Hurt and alone.

[Noodles]

Well here I am, as some of you most likely are, empty and alone. I’ve been reading through this forum and in some odd way I found solace in not being the one going through this. I appreciate that sounds awful as I really wouldn’t wish anyone to be feeling like I do, but it’s the truth.

 

This is some ride isn’t it? A roller coaster of emotions where the twists and turns continue to surprise as to the new depths of pain and despair I never realised I could endure. Can’t eat, can’t sleep and seemingly unable to prevent thoughts of her running around the back streets of my mind.

 

Personally I find one of the most traumatic moments to be that split second when waking from a fitful 3 hours sleep. Lying in the bed once so blissfully shared to turn and look for her to find an empty space, and to know that she will never be there when I awake again.

 

It’s funny how so many guys have the same tale of woe to tell. She needs to enjoy time by herself and unable to deal with the level of commitment at the moment. How we’re such lovely guys and if only we had met in few years time, but that there’s a special someone out there who will be the girl of our dreams. All nice things to say and much more pleasant than screaming obscenities and pushing the buttons that hurt, and once we’ve been with someone a few years we all know where these buttons are.

 

I sometimes find myself wondering if I’d be able to cope with this if we had finished in an ugly manner. I would have come to resent her, hate her even, and in doing so perhaps I’d find it somehow easier to move on. By saying “I’ll always love you but just don’t want you in my life right now”, isn’t she saying she loves me but not enough to think I am THE man for her? We’d been living together for 3 years and she is in her mid twenties, perhaps it's simply she feels she needs to experience a bit more variety in life before settling down.

 

There were warning signs and I’m beating myself over not addressing them at the time. Before I went away on business she had confessed her feelings had changed and she wasn’t happy with the routine that our life had become. We’d discussed marriage and it never occurred to me that we would one day not be together. I told her that every relationship has a blip after a few years and that we’d be strong enough to get through it. While away I began planning new exciting things to do, picnic’s, places to visit etc. But I couldn’t reach her on the phone when I was away for days, and when I did she was drunk and told me she was moving out. I flew home immediately but all her stuff was packed, I was too numb with shock and grief to try to stop her too much. I don’t think it would have done any good anyway.

 

Unfortunately I can’t do NC, though I dearly wish I could. We work for the same firm and seeing her acting so normal in the office is like a knife being plunged into my chest.

 

The fact that she is seemingly in pain as well (so she tells me) chokes me up with frustration and presents some none too kind questions to ask of myself. We both work overseas and don’t have a huge network of support, having bought a place together back home last month we’re both not in great financial shape right now. So if this is hurting her both emotionally and financially as well as me, just what kind of a person am I to live with? Am I so awful that she'd rather be in pain without me and live in a small apartment with a friend? It’s best not to over analyse I suppose, but I do think it’s important for self-reflection. As much as it pains me to face a life without her, she has made it clear in no uncertain terms there is no way back. I don’t want to face or rather can’t face this pain again. I need to ensure whatever my negative traits that made her decide I wasn’t the one, never rear their head again.

 

I try to tell myself that I can make a difference through positive thinking, with thoughts leading to positive emotions and these emotions to positive outward behaviour. But wouldn’t you know it? I think my subconscious must be sado-masochistic because as much as I try, I just can’t stop thinking about her!

 

Apologies for this rambling I’m not sure why I posted this as there’s nothing anybody can say to make this any better. Perhaps someone feeling desperately alone and working overseas will read this and know they aren’t the only one in the same boat. Perhaps I just needed some outlet to get this all out to try and help myself.

 

It’s been 3 weeks since she left me and I am a world away from seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The only comfort is that I suppose I now realise that no tunnel can last forever. I will eventually get through this, hopefully a stronger wiser person without too much negative baggage. However should this happen to me again or the intense pain I feel does not subside, I’m becoming a Buddhist monk and buggering off to Tibet to beat myself with a stick. It’ll be less painful I’m sure.

[hulavie]

"However should this happen to me again or the intense pain I feel does not subside, I’m becoming a Buddhist monk and buggering off to Tibet to beat myself with a stick. It’ll be less painful I’m sure."

 

Hahahhaa....... I used to say that. Hahahaha.

 

Anyway, sometimes amongst my girlfriends, one or two will say things like "Shift out, see whether he comes after you. " Could this be the case here, that she needs some sort of major reassurance from your part.

 

Hope things turn out better for you.

[Noodles]

Hi Hulavie,

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply, and it’s good to know that you had used to say that and presumably you are now healed and have changed your tune. I know that eventually I will also overcome this, it’s all part and parcel of life I suppose.

 

Given I treated her like an angel – her words not mine- I’m not quite sure what kind of assurance I can give her. She knows I would do anything and everything to make this right, but that is not enough- again her words not mine.

 

So I need to press on without her in my life. Right now that is so painful to say I can’t begin to convey what it’s doing to me. But if that is what is takes for her to be happy then I have to be strong and let her explore what it is she thinks she needs to be happy. In the mean time all I can do is take the time to look after myself, and eventually the feelings I have will become less acute.

 

Can’t remember who posted it, but someone said you need to develop a new life, new happy memories to replace the ones I’m currently focusing on. That is what I’m trying to do (unsuccessfully at the moment), but just like the millions who have felt this way before me and succeeded in overcoming these emotions, so shall I.

 

Again thanks for your reply and your good wishes. You’ll have to excuse me know as I’m off to my spiritual chant training. “hhhhhhhmmmmmmmnnnnnnallwomenarenotcompletebeetcheshhhmnnnuwillbeOK……"

[PhotoGuy]

I often think that as well in these circumstances. I too am in this situation right now where things were great but after 7.5 years she decides that she is confused and needs some time and space and to be by herself for a little bit.

 

I think the romantic in me thinks that this is somehow a test, where women do this sort of thing to see how we react to the situation and to see what we will do as men. Am I the only that feels this way? It's like the women, before things really go forth to the marriage stage, want to push us as far away as possible and be as cold as they possibly can to see what we do. So the question is, what do we do?

 

Well I can tell you what I have been doing (and please don't take this is as the word of god, its justthe way I feel I should handle the situation). I am giving her the time and space that she asked for. I moved out and back to our hometown (12 hours away) I keep in touch with her through email. Not very often but once a week or so.

 

Some sappy talk (I love you and miss you kind of stuff) but no begging, whining, complaining or anything like that. Because I really have nothing to complain about. The hardest realization I came to was that, this is the best thing that is happening right now. Because on one hand if we get back together, our relationship will be that much stronger, and on the other hand if we dont end up together, it really is ok.

 

I urge all of you to reflect on yourselves as people and how you viewed your others. Do you "need" them in your life, or do you "want" them in your life. Needing a person in your life is not a good way to live, and time apart makes you realize weather it is the former or the latter.

 

I don't think that I am some relationship guru, but this being my third serious relationship in my life, I am handling this one far better than any others, because I truly love this girl and truly believe we are meant to be together.

 

Everyone on this forum needs to see the movie "what the bleep do we know" http://www.whatthebleep.com. It is so fitting and makes you understand where negative feelings come from and what relationships are really. Very very good.

 

This is week 2 for me being without the love of my life, and yes it is hard, but my chin is up and know that this is for the best in the long run.

 

Never, EVER discount the power of positive thinking. Anger, hatred, resentment and all of thos negative feelings towards your others, solves nothing. It takes more energy to focus on something you can't change than it does to forget it.

 

I wish all of you luck and hope you all find the true happiness you deserve. We will all be ok one way or the other, Iswear my heart on it. Just keep smiling!!!!

[hulavie]

Originally posted by Noodles

You’ll have to excuse me know as I’m off to my spiritual chant training. “hhhhhhhmmmmmmmnnnnnnallwomenarenotcompletebeetcheshhhmnnnuwillbeOK……"

 

Noodles, you are so funny.

 

LOL. What i meant in my earlier reply was that I used to declare "I'll be a nun and lead a happier life"

In Cantonese it sounds something like "Chou wo seong jung ko hou koh ah!"

 

Anyway, you sound like you are taking all this in good stride. That's the ticket bro. Laughter is the best medicine.

[headinclouds]

Hi Noodles,

I just wanted to offer you some support. Breakups are hard especially if you weren't the one to decide that.

a good friend of mine told me a few years ago (after I got dumped by my first and only love so far) that it is better to be the one DUMPED than to be the DUMPER.

I said to him, "what a horrible thing to say! how could you say that!?" and he explained to me that I will NOT live with regret. All I can do is hold my head up high and know that I gave all the love I had for him.... He is the one who will have to struggle for the rest of his life over the knowledge that HE maybe made a mistake and; thus, the regret lies within him.

I don't know if that makes sense to you, but I do hope that you will be able to move on...It takes time...dont let people push you to move on if you're not sure you can handle dating again.

But I do agree that going out with friends and doing new fun things will help to give you new awesome memories.

It really sucks that you guys work at the same firm..... the guy who dumped me 3 years ago, would always ALWAYS show up at my place of work, it hurt like hell. At first I would have to take uncalled for breaks and go cry my eyes out hoping he'd be gone by the time I got back....but he kept on coming in. It was only 6 months ago that I finally quit that job and by that time, I was seeing him come into my place of work with his NEW GIRLFRIEND. yup. it was hard.... There is light on the other side of the tunnel. I have to keep believing that myself because without believing and without hope, I may fall again. I haven't had anyone in my life for the last 3 years...except a few failed attempts at relationships (one turned out to be gay....my life is more Bridgit Jones than anyone can believe)... but I have to have faith in order to keep trying to move on. I wish you happiness.... I wish you strength, and I hope you do not fall. Friends are very important right now....use them.

Best of luck,

E

[chicothechimp]

It has been two months since my ex-GF initially wanted to break things off... I asked her to reconsider and give me 4 months to work on things that needed to be worked on. That worked for about a week. It was obvious that she was unhappy and closed off. But she also wouldn't talk about things anymore.

 

The week prior to her wanting to break up the first time was probably our hardest week to date. It is still a blur (as much of our relationship seems in hindsight) but I do remember that I was disappointed with her and the way she was treating her folks. Additionally, I know that I saidsome things too blunt; that is, I did not saturate them with enough care and love for her while still saying what I wanted to say to her. One ironic thing is that she had said for 2 years that I had been helping her to grow more confident and sure of herself. Well how ironic is it for someone to take their new sense of confidence and want to leave you in the dust. regardless, I do have to say that I am glad she wrestled with this issue a great deal about us breaking up. It just isn't easier for her (*I do know her that well).

 

One thing that this has taught me is not to say I love you unless that also means sticking around and working **** out. There is simply nothing as devastating in romance as to call each other every night and say "I love you" before they go to sleep (*I even called back just to say it when I realized that I forgot) and then to have someone just show up one day and say that it is over. You know, that is the strangest part about it to this day: the fact that she was just giving up and not even trying to work at things that needed work. She has been a fighter and surviver all her life. She has been in some situations that hammered away at her identity and self esteem but she made it through them. That is why it seems to lame for her to not talk specifics about why she needed 'space, 'time' and 'I need to be alone'. But love is a gift as much as it is commitment. Would I really wanna bee with someone who stayed with me just out of obligation/duty? No, not at all.

 

But then that is the point where we all ask "who really was this person I was with these past years... and what space aliens kidnapped her and took her soul out?".... yes, I still love her deeply... but a large measure of trust has been shattered... it would take time to re-build things if we did get back together... yes, I would be willing to take the risk... but I would also be far more cautious how vulnerable I made myself as well.

 

The first weeks after a break up of that length are brutal. I just hoped a bus would hit me while I walked across the street and end my grief and feelings of abandonment. The hard part was wanting to be honest about the grief but not be a drain on my friends and mates. I still feel like something in my being was sucked out and that a vacuum or black hole is just churning away in its place. It isn't the only thing I feel and I am getting better. But Sunday was a brutal day of blackness and heaviness. That is how it is. You have a great dat or two... and then you fall into the icy grip of pathos and despair the follwoing day. The key: ONE DAY AT A TIME.

 

I have met some new people and I have to say that it has been great meeting them. Ironically I am moving this week and I will really miss seeing these new friends as much as I have. Yes, in the very beginning there are many tears after a break up. But you begin to heal and get over it. I do recommend putting away pictures and gifts from your ex- while in this stage. Having constant reminders of them around just amplifies the pain IMHO. Her memory has already faded somwhat. The time with her seems like a long dream that I have woke up from. When I woke this morning I was reminded of the last time she slept with me. That night I just stayed awake and looked at her sleep and soaked in the moment (*ironically, at the time I did not know it would be the last time I would be able to do this). The next morning I woke before she did by an hour and I just gazed upon her again and we spooned/cuddled. It was so beautiful. The sun was bright outside and it filled the room with these delicious hues of colour. For a parting memory, it really just doesn't get better than that. She looked peaceful.

 

Those are some of my own thought and feelings about things. There is much, much more... but I have grown so much from listening to what you others have said here, too. To the people who are fresh out of a break up I would say talk about what is going on inside on these boards. if you just want people to listen then ask for people to do just that; if you are looking for feedback we can offer that, too. But hang in there and weather the pain and isolation. There is hope (as trite as that can sound).

 

 

 

Chico

[Noodles]

Hulavie- Laughter is indeed a great healing tonic, and I’ve booked tickets to a comedy club this weekend to enjoy a good old chuckle. When you cry, you cry alone. Laugh and the world laughs with you. As my post implies I’ve been doing too much of the former lately, and quite frankly I’m fed up with it and need to force myself to do more of the latter.

 

Photoguy- This was my 2nd serious relationship so I am by no means a relationship guru either, that’s clearly evident given my situation! It’s great that you’re feeling so positive and I hope that your reasoning as to why this is happening is sound. For the sake of self-preservation perhaps you should at least entertain the idea that she may not want to reconcile the relationship? It doesn’t seem at all logical to me that women would leave us to test our reactions before they committed to us for life. You are obviously the best judge of what is happening here though but I hope for your sake that you are not in denial. I’ve been there, and once acceptance replaces denial the door opens up to a whole new world of pain and anguish.

 

I don’t think I’ll ever understand women. I heard one fella figured it out but died laughing before he could tell the rest of us ( kidding ladies).

 

In my case I think the reason was fear of commitment, it can’t be coincidence that she left me the same week we exchanged contracts on our property? I think this planted seeds of doubt in her mind as to whether she ready to be with me, and only me, for the rest of her life. To never experience the fun of dating again or taste the ecstasy of the “honeymoon” period every new relationship has for a while.

 

To be fair our relationship had stagnated a little over the past couple of months but I was too blind to see it in time. When she had told me she was bored with the routine of our life I did make plans to do new things together. To introduce a little spontaneity that would break up life’s routine and breath new life into us. Unfortunately it was too late and I didn’t get a chance to do any of it as she had packed her bags when I came home.

 

I know I shouldn’t give in to negative emotions, but I find it so hard not to be angry over not getting the chance to work at us. It was as if our years together were just nonchalantly discarded without really giving us a fair crack of the whip.

 

 

headinclouds- Thanks for your warm words of support, though I’m not sure I follow your friend’s logic in it being better to be dumped. When someone has undergone the enormous change in mindset to end the relationship, they must have already partially let go of their feelings. The dumpee is left in bewildered shock holding onto the broken pieces of something that once was so amazing, and wondering where it all went wrong and why the love is no longer reciprocated.

In some ways it would be nice to think that one day she will regret this and wonder why she let me go. But that would imply she wouldn’t be happy with her new life and I honestly wouldn’t wish that on her as she is still a lovely person.

 

When I say I’m trying to make a new life I didn’t mean looking for someone else. I am not ready to date in any shape or form, it wouldn’t be fair to the other person whilst I am still pining for my ex. As so many people have pointed on here already, rebounds will nearly always end in tears. I’d most likely end up hurting the other person as I hurt right now, and in a vicious circle she’d then probably take it out on some other hapless fella!

 

My ex did tell me that she had fooled around with some guy she met in a club after the break up, but that it didn’t feel right so didn’t take it any further. I’m sure you can imagine how painful those words were to hear, and my initial reaction was to go out and get laid.

I have plenty of opportunity out here as the girls seem to fall all over western men. Whilst I’m sure this will prove very useful further down the road , I’m just not ready for it right now.

 

I’m sad to hear about what you went through and how you haven’t met Mr Right yet. It took me a similar amount of time to get over my first love, I spent months being miserable and thinking I would never experience love like that again. But then I met my ex 3 years later and experienced an entirely new level of incredible, wonderful love. I remember looking back and thanking my lucky stars that I had gone through the pain and anguish of my first break, otherwise I wouldn’t have met this incredible lady.

 

Here I am again feeling like I will never love anyone with the intensity I still feel for my ex. However I know that one day I will once again look back and thank my lucky stars for breaking up now. Because there will be a time when I meet another incredible woman and feel even more powerful love. Providing I’m not on some mountain in Tibet beating myself with a stick of course!

 

The same will happen to you; one day when you least expect it you will meet your very own Colin Farrell.

 

 

Chico- Mate your post struck a chord with me and I think the depths of despair you described pretty much sums up how I’m feeling. Taking it one day at a time is precisely what I’m trying to do; it’s all I can I suppose. Every day is a bad day for me right now, but when I am as far along the road to recovery as you are I know I’ll have good days too. I’ve had similar fleeting thoughts of a bus ending this pain, but I’ve got too much to offer and too much I still want out of life to seriously entertain the idea.

 

Working in the same office and living in the place we shared certainly doesn’t help me at all. I had an opportunity in NY present itself a couple of months back with a different firm. I am not going to make any rash decisions whilst I am feeling this way, but I am coming around to the idea of starting out a completely new life for myself in a new country.

 

My body has taken a bit of a beating the past 3 weeks and I need to start taking care of myself now. It’s absurd how an emotion can be so powerful as to wipe out your appetite and prevent you from sleeping. The lack of food and sleep deprivation took it’s toll yesterday, and I keeled over when walking out to go to work. Not really quite sure what happened I just came to lying on the floor with a sea of heads peering down at me. It was so embarrassing. I was mortified. Everyone was making so much fuss that despite my protestations I ended up being shipped off to hospital. Pretty embarrassing when I had to list down what I’d had to eat recently, as it was pretty much zilch.

This sounds so pathetic I can’t believe it happened to me, I am a strong minded fella in his prime and there I was keeling over because I’d forgotten to eat! When you take away your body’s natural alarm clock when you lose your appetite, it’s easier to do than it sounds- though I still can’t believe I did it! I’m now writing down what I’ve had to eat so I can keep track, and I’ve got some sleeping pills to take care of the insomnia.

 

As you rightly say I’m hanging in there and weathering the pain. I do have hope and appreciate that one day I’ll be over this. Yet as all of you in pain out there will know, knowing it will all be over one day is scant consolation for the pain and loss we’re suffering now.

[whichwayisup]

Never, EVER discount the power of positive thinking. Anger, hatred, resentment and all of thos negative feelings towards your others, solves nothing. It takes more energy to focus on something you can't change than it does to forget it.

 

Can be applied to every aspect of one's life! Great piece of advice Photoguy!

 

Noodles, your post caught my eye, so I had to read it...I do feel for what you are going through. I agree too, don't lose your sense of humour, take it one day at a time. Embrace your good moments, hours, days...Accept that bad ones as just that. But do know that it will get better. Good that you can post here and get some great support....Which leads me to Photoguy...Wow...

 

PG: You're very positive and that's a wonderful thing. I Do completey agree with you, only concentrating on the positives will benefit you and your spirit. You seem like me, you wear your heart and your emotions on your sleeve. That is a good thing but also can be a bad thing.

 

I do hope your relationship works out. The time and space she needs may make her realize alot. I do hope for the best. For you all.

 

WWIU

[Urban Rubble01]

Noodles

 

Man, when I first read your post I thought I had written it and just didn't remember.

 

What you wrote is exactly how I've been feeling but couldn't really put into words. Especially when you talked about how you wonder if it'd be easier if you had something to hold against her. I've thought about that too. Sometimes I feel like if I knew that she had done something cruel and didn't love me, I'd be able to hold that against her and move on. But she didn't. She's been perfectly honest and not in any way cruel. So I'm stuck loving her, wondering what's going on. Playing out every scenario possible in my head with a million different endings.

 

That waking up and realizing she isn't there is the hardest thing for me as well. Everytime I wake up, it's the first thing that hits me. I have to go through the day without her, without knowing I can call her and hearing that voice makes every problem you have melt away.

 

It's been a month and a half for me, and to be honest, the last few days have been almost as bad as the first week. I still think about her constantly. We're young, only 22, and supposedly on a break. We've known each other since we were kids and have had a mutual crush since we were like 12. The last 4 years have changed me so much, I'm so much better because of her. We've been positive that this is it, we've talked about marriage but we both want to wait a few years until we're financially stable and more mature. But now she needs space, dealing with making up credits to finish at the UW and working. I have a hard time believing that's all it is, but she assures me she just needs time to herself for awhile.

 

It's a hard line to walk. You want to be positive and think about it working out because that makes you feel better, but at the same time you're trying to fight those positive thoughts because if you rely on those and things don't work out it will be twice as hard. I've been trying to focus on the positive things, but until she's back in my arms I, don't rely on it working.

 

PhotoGuy

 

Some sappy talk (I love you and miss you kind of stuff) but no begging, whining, complaining or anything like that. Because I really have nothing to complain about. The hardest realization I came to was that, this is the best thing that is happening right now. Because on one hand if we get back together, our relationship will be that much stronger, and on the other hand if we dont end up together, it really is ok.

 

That's exactly what I tell myself and I really think that's the only thing that helps when you feel like we all seem to. I knew that being as young as we are that the relationship lasting forever would be a longshot. For the last year or so I've felt like we should do something about it, maybe spend some time apart. I was just not strong enough to do it. I love her too much, I don't want to spend ANY time apart and I definitely didn't want to risk losing her. So I held my tongue until she said something. There were no problems that I could see, so I have to take her word that this is just a break and that we'll be better off for it. But still, the doubt creeps in all the time. I get scared that while I see this as something necessary to strengthen our future relationship, she's just running away but letting me down gently.

 

But I totally agree. If two people can be mature enough to take time apart and keep the love there, the relationship will be so much stronger. You'd never be insecure about how she feels again, that's for sure.