Taken for granted

[John Grogan]

Hello, i will share my story, hoping you guys might help me, i will try to tell you all the important details.

 

 

In this spring i met a girl, i met this girl and we hooked up, even though i should had not do that, because after a month, she left to study abroad for two years. (3 hours by plane)

 

It was hearbreaking, because in that month we spent one of the best times in our lives, we met daily, went in two holidays, it was something incredible for me, well for us. When she had to leave, we decided to try the long distance thing, but without a actual plan, because she might want to stay further more there, while i didn't want to leave our country. I have a job here, a name made in my field, friends, family, while she has none, only two girlfriends left.

 

So, after a month in, i decided to go, but not now, after a year, basically, if this works, next spring i want to move there and be with here. I will give up on everything, i will go to the British Council, pay a lot of money and take the test necesary for me to work abroad and go to be with her. We talked a lot about this and decided to do that, finally go for it.

 

At this point, we have 6 months of relashionship. The last time we saw each other face to face was in september. Since then, we speak daily on whatssap, viber, skype and all of the other things that mean online communication. She cares about me, maybe she loves me, she said those words to me, however, the past month started to make me wonder about all our situation.

 

First of all, even if our communication did not change, we speak the same amount of time, i notice that we have no intimacy. We didn't have in the past, she lives with two girls, but maybe once a week or two times a week, she went to the bathroom and we talked from there (they live in a studio). We do absolutely nothing in common, things that help the people in this type of situation. Nothing, none. We have a routine that is lacking couple things.

 

Then, i don't know why the hell, i became kinda of a needy person. I focus a lot on our relashionship and i need affection from her. I, from time to time, send her mails or messages where i say cute things. She does not. From the start she was like this, but from time to time, she would send me in the middle of the night or at some points some messages and stuff or post pics with us on facebook. For over a month in a half now, nothing. I feel now that her reaction of what i send her is: meh.

 

Then, i posted on her profile the other day something, she had no reaction, until i told her to look on her profile, she said she saw it, then finally had a reaction. She has this ability to ruin cute moments like no one else, like: me: i miss you

her: i know

 

I knew that from the start, she was like that, but at that point i acted kinda the same, but now the situation is different. We see each other only only and from my point of view, we need romantic moments. Yeah, i know i am difficult sometimes asking this, this constant need for her to need me, but i can't change that. As i said, she had a lot of things to fight for, she was alone from her 18 year birthday and maybe i understand somehow why she is like that.

 

Then, she is the type of girl that is too friendly with men. Me, also, have more good communication with women rather than men, but she is really to friendly. I saw that from the first week we met and went to a dinner with some people. At school she spend her time with this guy, gay guy from what she told me, but that is it, only at school. Beside being to friendly, she is that type of girl that most be present at all the school reunions, every week and leave the last from there. I really dislike that, but i can't say stuff, i don't want her to think i hold her in some leash.

 

Now, the piece of resistance: Her ex-boyfriend moved in the same neighbourhood as her and she asked him for some favours, translate some stuff, etc. I really dislike the fact that they still talk, not often, but this creams the top for me, him moving in the zone. At first, i had my mind convinced that her attitude is caused by him, but if that would had been the case, when would they had meet. If she would cheat, when the hell would that be when we talk that much. When she left the first time, they left together, he was the reason at first for her wanting to go, but they split and after a year, she decided to go anyway. He still bought her something for her b-day, which i obvious dislike and when i asked her in a joke if he will buy something for Christmas, she said: maybe something i need for the house, haha. I was fuming, of course.

 

She does not cheat, but in her way, maybe she like to flirt with them. That is what i think.

 

Then, another huge problem. She went there to study. That is why we are doing this, for her to study there on her third master. Well, she started working this week, after she searched a lot of time and she finally found something in a pub. Well, the schedule will be horrible for her and she showed some moments that work will come first. How the hell does that work, why did she leave then? To work in a bar, when she could had worked in her field here or to study? If school does not come first, then what will? What is she thinking. That are my questions, i feel that she has no idea what she is doing.

 

She is having a long hard month at school, plus work, maybe that is why she is like that, but i am afraid it is not.

 

I am afraid that she took me for granted, she took me for granted after i told her many times i am there for here, i will go there for her, miss her and yada yada yada.

 

The last period of time was horrible for me and feeling like that, makes me puke. I really have no idea how i could change that and i have three scenarios.

 

1. She took me for granted. I am always there for her, why the hell should she work for something she already has?

 

2. The honeymoon stage was longer at her and she finally understood she likes me, but not that much, but why end it? I am coming in a month to stay with her for two weeks.

 

3. All her focus is now on school and work and she is stressed.

 

The funny thing is that she is sending mixt signals. From those above, not showing love or rarely showing love, to speaking about our future almost every two days: when you come, when you yada yada, save some cash for you to survive here, do that, etc.

 

So my question is, what is really happening? How can this work?

Edited November 5, 2014 by John Grogan

[John Grogan]

A little bit of help, lads.

 

Much needed. Thanks

[xUnknown]

I can only relate to this for a few details you mentioned.

 

Your girl moved away. My ex moved away for 3 months for work. Your girl is becoming distant. My ex became distant. Stressed from work + school...same here on my end with my ex.

 

Here is what happened with me. Again, my situation is a bit different.

 

We were together for 2 years. She broke up with me last Sept. Came back in Dec begging. Started again end of Jan '14. Things were great. She moved July for work. Things became off in August. Sept she came back. Then I essentially was forced to break up with her.

 

My ex's best friend became engaged in early August. My ex always compares herself to others (low self esteem). She became confused and not happy anymore...knowing the problem was with her. School overwealmed her, work overwealmed her, she was just given a job offer where she moved to and didn't know how to handle it.

 

A lot of it was stress. But I think more importantly, something happened (her friend getting engaged) that caused her to become confused about where her life was headed. Perhaps for you this was where her ex moved close to her. Ultimately, she pushed me away...yet, I would still do all the wonderfull things for her.

 

I would let her go. She doesn't sound like she knows what she wants...in a sense that she cares about you, but not to the extent you care about her. She loves the attention from others. If you haven't mentioned that it upsets you (though it seems you have) then you need to. But, I don't think it will make any difference. I think you need to pull back or break up (if you didn't already) and let her figure herself out. Long distance is difficult...believe me, I know, almost our whole relationship was long distance.

[John Grogan]

I can only relate to this for a few details you mentioned.

 

Your girl moved away. My ex moved away for 3 months for work. Your girl is becoming distant. My ex became distant. Stressed from work + school...same here on my end with my ex.

 

Here is what happened with me. Again, my situation is a bit different.

 

We were together for 2 years. She broke up with me last Sept. Came back in Dec begging. Started again end of Jan '14. Things were great. She moved July for work. Things became off in August. Sept she came back. Then I essentially was forced to break up with her.

 

My ex's best friend became engaged in early August. My ex always compares herself to others (low self esteem). She became confused and not happy anymore...knowing the problem was with her. School overwealmed her, work overwealmed her, she was just given a job offer where she moved to and didn't know how to handle it.

 

A lot of it was stress. But I think more importantly, something happened (her friend getting engaged) that caused her to become confused about where her life was headed. Perhaps for you this was where her ex moved close to her. Ultimately, she pushed me away...yet, I would still do all the wonderfull things for her.

 

I would let her go. She doesn't sound like she knows what she wants...in a sense that she cares about you, but not to the extent you care about her. She loves the attention from others. If you haven't mentioned that it upsets you (though it seems you have) then you need to. But, I don't think it will make any difference. I think you need to pull back or break up (if you didn't already) and let her figure herself out. Long distance is difficult...believe me, I know, almost our whole relationship was long distance.

 

 

Thanks.

 

Logically, that i would want to do. I become unhappy with this and she does not do things to keep me interested.

When we talk, he phone keeps beeping from facebook notifications, whattsap or others, but when i talk with her friends here, they say they did not talk with her in a thew.

 

My first reaction is that she is cheating, but when? When does that come when we speak that much, plus every night she spent home so far. She doesn't go out after dark, clubbing or who knows what.

 

Plus there is another tricky part here, in a month i am going to be with her, spend the holiday there, three weeks. All booked, money spent, etc. I think that will be decisive for me. If she will act different, then i know what to do.

 

The problem is that i love her and i prepared to leave it all behind for her, but as the days pass, the more i feel unhappy and sad, but i find it difficult to give up.

 

I try to confront her with small things, i don't want to reveal that i am desperate, scared and needy at this point and i became dependent on this, but it is really hard, really hard when she our emotional communication does not exist.

[xUnknown]

Thanks.

 

Logically, that i would want to do. I become unhappy with this and she does not do things to keep me interested.

When we talk, he phone keeps beeping from facebook notifications, whattsap or others, but when i talk with her friends here, they say they did not talk with her in a thew.

 

My first reaction is that she is cheating, but when? When does that come when we speak that much, plus every night she spent home so far. She doesn't go out after dark, clubbing or who knows what.

 

Plus there is another tricky part here, in a month i am going to be with her, spend the holiday there, three weeks. All booked, money spent, etc. I think that will be decisive for me. If she will act different, then i know what to do.

 

The problem is that i love her and i prepared to leave it all behind for her, but as the days pass, the more i feel unhappy and sad, but i find it difficult to give up.

 

I try to confront her with small things, i don't want to reveal that i am desperate, scared and needy at this point and i became dependent on this, but it is really hard, really hard when she our emotional communication does not exist.

 

I would pull back. Let her wonder about you. After 2 or 3 days she'll wonder whats up with you.

 

Relationships are a push/pull thing. I did this once before when I started noticing things becoming off last year. In two days I had her biting at me to come back. I wish I had done it again. The only reason why I didn't is because i trusted her when she told me it was just stress with work/school. Though deep down, I knew it was more. Our communication has improved since last time around and I trusted her.

[John Grogan]

I would pull back. Let her wonder about you. After 2 or 3 days she'll wonder whats up with you.

 

Relationships are a push/pull thing. I did this once before when I started noticing things becoming off last year. In two days I had her biting at me to come back. I wish I had done it again. The only reason why I didn't is because i trusted her when she told me it was just stress with work/school. Though deep down, I knew it was more. Our communication has improved since last time around and I trusted her.

 

I am trying, but i am not that type of person. I can't concentrate if i do that, but as days pass, as those examples increase, i really feel the urge to do that, but i don't know if i would be able to cope with it.

 

Funny enough, when we fight, every time i am the one that give up and takes the blame, because she never does that. It is never her fault, never.

[John Grogan]

Last night when we skyped i had another attitudine, more distant, arrogant, sarcastic, but not overreacted. When she said she is worried about what is next, etc, that i might get mad if she doesn't have time for me with all the school work she has, i snapped, but not in a weird or angry way, but in some awkward charismatic speech were i said:

 

Listen, i am really tired of this. I showed you how much i cared about us, that i ma there for you, but i had enough with all this scepticism from you. If you want me and believe in me, fine, if not go and hug your roomates.

 

Funny enough it somehow worked. She looked more intimate with me with stuff like: "Can't wait to see you tomorrow and talk with you about my day. Hope you dream of me and stuff".

 

I am trying to hold the line and keep this attitude.

[John Grogan]

Common guys, anything?

 

I feel i am breaking in so many pieces.

[GorillaTheater]

Common guys, anything?

 

I feel i am breaking in so many pieces.

 

Well, you have several hallmarks of an unhealthy relationship, including this push-pull business. You want to get closer, she backs off. You back off, she gets closer. The old adage of "the person who cares the least has the most power" seems pretty applicable, too.

 

If you want to make this "work", I'd continue to have the sort of "backed off" attitude you displayed in the previous post but really, "work" is a relative term and standing where I am I don't see much of a future.

 

What I think it's going to come down to is whether the relationship ends well or badly. You can tell her in a calm way that you don't see a future and that you wish her well, or you can wait for her to make you so miserable that you either break up in the middle of a screaming match or she does the slow fade on you (which I think she's already in the middle of).

 

Your choice.

[John Grogan]

So tonight she had a big day at her new job, then went to a course. This happend at 9 p.m. Now it is 2 in the morning and she texted me half and hour ago that she is still there. After waiting for three hours, i went to a party.

 

I was the saddest man there. Now, i am in a cab and i sent her a text to inform me when she is going home because i want to talk,

 

Either i freaking make her understand or all is going to ****sville.

[John Grogan]

So tonight she had a big day at her new job, then went to a course. This happend at 9 p.m. Now it is 2 in the morning and she texted me half and hour ago that she is still there. After waiting for three hours, i went to a party.

 

I was the saddest man there. Now, i am in a cab and i sent her a text to inform me when she is going home because i want to talk,

 

Either i freaking make her understand or all is going to ****sville.

 

Well, my fears were true. I called her and we talked, well, we argued. She said that i was paranoic, that i am not happy that she stood there for hours, etc. We argued for about 1 hour on viber.

 

Then, in the middle of the night, early morning. She called me, she wanted to skype with me. I accepted even if it was 5 in the morning and we talked. At first all seemed like nothing happend, then i asked her how is she and when she asked me how i am, i said that something changed for me.

 

She started crying, then she said she is getting used to this relashionship, because things are new for her, but then that she likes the independency, like she is not in a relashionship, but she wants me, she doesn't want to stop our relashionship. She wants to fight for me, but i become different, but i am different because of her and then, the piece of resistance.

 

Me: You said you love me a month a go, did you ment it?

Her: Yes

Me: Do you still feel that way?

Her: I don't know.

 

Fatality. So, i just watched the post bipolar skype talk ever, i ended the session and cried my ass of until 11 in the morning.

 

We talked today, she called me, again she said she can't wait for me to come, she needs me, but we need to slow things down.

 

 

 

 

I am really lost.

 

Help

[lemonsugar]

walk away shes in a bad place. She needs to be happy with who she is. The relationship sounds so unhealthy its untrue. I think you two need some time apart not talking

[John Grogan]

I want to do that but i can't, i can't. In a month i am going there.

 

I wanted to end it today, but she wants to fight for it.

[lemonsugar]

Is it really worth your sanity as it sounds like you are losing a certain amount. Somethings you cant fight for sorry

[Sugarkane]

Why was she helping her ex? Couldn't he have gotten help from anyone else?

[John Grogan]

Why was she helping her ex? Couldn't he have gotten help from anyone else?

 

It was the other way around, he was helping her. She doesn't know the language, etc.

 

 

This was a weird day for me. After we had that discussion in the morning when she said she doesn't know if she still love me and then that she needs me in her life and asked me not to leave her, we spoked briefly during the day.

 

A thew messages with kisses and about her school work. But for me, things are so off and weird in this moment that i have no idea what to do. First of all, something broke inside of me and i don't know if it could ever be fixed again by her. I feel a weird bittersweetness. I took a small step back and i am trying to understand what happend. It doesn't make sense, not a single logic.

 

I can describe it in one phrase: she wants to be independent, telling me that i am needy, while she asks me in tears not to leave her because i am her love.

 

Can someone explain this to me? She said she misses her independency, her solitary life, while she cries of how much she wants me to stay.

[John Grogan]

A thew days in, i am a different person.

 

First of all, we are still together, we still talk kinda a lot, she is the same as always on whattsap.

 

On the other hand, i am starting to really get angry when i see her. When we talk on viber or skype, she irritates me kinda a lot. Her way of talking to me makes me close the session and ask her to %@#@ off.

 

After what happend, i still love her, but i see her different. I see her like someone who is not reliable. Basically, all her flaws are highlighted in my face right now. Her shallow attitude with her roomates that she always said bad words about them with me. Her egocentric way on things, her constant nerves and incapacity of understanding when she is wrong.

 

I still love her, but it is like i am looking at some different person now? Is this normal?

[John Grogan]

So here i am, since that moment, we did not have any other argument. Did she change or realise anything? No.

 

So i am here facing the biggest hugest dilemma out there. Wait another month and see her face to face or end this now?

 

I want to see her face to face, i want to spend 2 weeks with her to know what i need and get what i need to move on, but really i can't take it anymore. I can't stand her attitude no more, It is like i am speaking with a freaking wall.

 

What to do? How do i work this out in my favour?

[John Grogan]

I really need help.

 

I did not wait and finally had the talk with her. No fighting, just talk and she said i put pressure on her when i said i am coming to live there the next year (when i actually said that i will come only if this will work). Then she said she want independence, then that she wants me, then that she wants to go in other place and finally she asked for a break. I said yes, but after i said yes, she changed her mind, she said she doesn't want that.