Break up after nearly 4 years, but why?

[jimbobeen]

Hi all,

This is my first post here, seems like a good place!

 

Well here is my situation:

 

My girlfriend of almost 4 years told me a few days ago that she thinks we should break up. This came as a total shock to me. I'm 29 & she's 25. It was my first serious relationship.

She said

-She has changed a lot in the last few years; she's a "completely differently person"

-She's been "completely f***ed up" lately

-She needs time to sort out her thoughts and emotions

-She doesn't feel strongly about anything at the moment

-She still loves me

-The feeling she has for me is not the same as it was

-I haven't done anything wrong, she just needs some space to sort her own head out

 

Background (I'll try to keep it brief)

I have been working in the same place since we met. She has been studying since we met. Now she's almost finished with her studies and has started working. We've been living in the same city, though both of us are from other countries.

When we met, everything was really exciting. We've had a great relationship since, almost never arguing, always having a lot of fun. She told me many times I was the most important thing in her life, and that she wanted to be with me forever. Recently we've been talking about moving in together. I feel like not doing this sooner might be part of the problem. But it was on the cards for early next year.(as I type, I'm asking myself did she really know/believe that?)

 

Now she is working, she has to travel almost 2 hours each way and I think this has added a lot to her stress levels. She feels she doesn't have time for anything.

My guess is she's finally achieved the goal she has been working towards and her parents have been pushing her towards her whole adult life, and now that's she's got it: she's thinking on some level "is this all there is? is this it? Crappy 9-5 office life and hours on public transport each day. Rarely see my boyfriend. Living alone is a small flat"

 

 

 

I feel another part of the problem is us not spending much time together, We didn't live together, I worked at night, she worked 9-5 in another city. We often only spent 1 or 2 nights/week together. (I'm shocked at how that looks and sounds! I think this is even more important that I previously thought)

 

Also, me not being there for her emotionally. She never said this, but in hind sight, I think I could have done a lot more.

 

Anyway back to now: this happened Friday, I took the weekend off work at short notice. We spoke briefly on Saturday. I tried to understand why she was doing it and convince her to talk to me instead of just breaking up suddenly. She insisted it had to happen, she needs space to figure stuff out herself.

We haven't been in contact since.

 

The only people I've told about this so far are my boss, my closest friend (who lives in another country) and one friend/housemate. I'm still not entirely sure I can face work and telling people without bursting into tears. I see now that I've made some mistakes, but I'm not even sure if these are the reasons she broke up with me, or if I'm still missing the point!?!

 

At the moment I just want her back and I'm looking for advice.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this

[jimbobeen]

Well a coupla days on and I'm still stuck in between accepting it and starting to move on, and trying to figure out a way to get her back. Yesterday I met some friends/colleagues and enjoyed my evening. I didn't mention the break up but I got the vibe that they had heard somehow. I'm working for the first time since the break up this evening.

In a way I feel like things are getting back to normal, but I can't fully believe the best thing I can do is nothing!

 

Any advice?

Thanks

[irresolute]

You cant force a person back. Respect her wishes and move on. Eventually, go no contact and move on. It hurts, but its your only choice. Shes made her decision already.