Break up - regrets

[toffeecream77]

I'd appreciate advice and thoughts on a recent break up. Some background:

 

I left my home country two years ago for a job based only 1.5 hours away. I sat next to a male colleague and we started dating almost immediately. We lived and worked together for two years. We were together 24/7. We are both now 29. I was the first girl he ever wanted to be in a relationship. Or so he says.

 

A few months ago, he quit work to focus on new opportunities. I supported him all the way, encouraged him. We made a good couple, but he did have trouble opening up and talking. But I was the same, I guess, because I'm not a needy person and I was engrossed in work and we just "fit". I helped him with everything, and he helped me a lot too. He was on antidepressants for 6 years and I encouraged to get off them. He did fine. In the last 6 months or so, he did start seeing a psychologist about some of his problems, which is good.

 

Overall, our actions spoke louder than words. All of our mutual friends would comment on how in love he was with me (the comment was: he's so in love with you, it's in his eyes). The only problem was also around 6 months ago, when he started talking about new opportunities abroad - I replied by saying "ok, let's make a list of countries where we can both apply for jobs". We almost broke up because he said he was unsure of the future - including our relationship. But he didn't want to break up, he still wanted to be with me. Things were good again and he would make encouraging comments about us being together, moving etc. Our agreement was to apply for jobs that appealed to us abroad, and that we would sit down and talk if something serious came up. We were happy.

 

Two months ago, he left for a work related trip and he was so emotional about leaving. We had nice romantic meals and really became close. He was very busy on his trip, but we talked most days. Then a serious job offer in my home country came up - I was at the final stage interview. And I got it. By this point, he had finished his work trip, but was staying with his parents for a few days before returning to me. But stupidly I told him about the offer on the phone and I was frustrated when he said "ok, let's keep talking." Here I have a huge break for my career and he didn't sound happy for me or enthusiastic to make it happen. So I asked him "are you coming?" and he eventually said it was too much of a big move for him, too much of a commitment. I was angry and upset so I told him things were over.

 

The next day, I called him and said "well, when you come back, let's talk - I was upset and impulsive" and he replied that this "was for the best". I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The day after, we spoke for four hours on the phone, opening up etc and he told me he loved me for the first time. I told him some of the things we needed to improve upon etc. It was a nice, liberating talk. He was crying a lot, sometimes hysterically, telling me how down he's been feeling about his career, and he was also crying about his depression and anxiety issues. He's always made comments like this, he said again that I am doing so much better than him, that he is "pathetic". I asked him to come home for us to talk about things, because I didn't even know if I wanted this job. He agreed.

 

But the next day, the day he was meant to catch his flight, he called to say that he still thought breaking up was for the best and that he didn't want to return and "lead" me on. He even said he didn't know if he was making a mistake - so I said again "well, come back, let's just make sure we're not making any mistakes here". I tried not to talk about the job, I thought we could talk about it in person. But I saw no issues. After all, this new job is in a country only an hour away, where he could also make a fresh start, seen as he doesn't have a job where we are currently. The new job is in a huge city where he would look for jobs, volunteer etc. Honestly, the wealth of opportunities for him would be staggering compared to where we are now. I also mentioned "how about long distance" because he had a course that he wanted to do in this same city, and at the time he said we could do long distance, but he changed his mind about it the course. He simply replied no, LDR wouldn't work and that we should end things. I couldn't believe he was saying this after the talk we had the previous night where he was crying and I was comforting him. It wasn't me crying and feeling sorry for myself. It was him. I was upset and told him not to bother coming back if his decision was made - after all, what was the point? Then he said he could return in a few days because he didn't feel well enough to catch the flight that day. I told him not to bother, because I was distraught.

 

Two days later, I emailed him a beautiful message, telling him we couldn't end things on the phone, after not seeing each other for two months. That we had to talk and whatever happens, will happen. That we had do this properly, because we have been together for two years. That it was normal for him to perhaps feel detached - we've been apart for months. He replied after a few days to say he was sorry for everything, that he wants me to be happy and that he doesn't know when he will be coming back. He said he would reply to my message in detail. But I messaged him saying I accepted his decision and that there was no need to reply in detail (I couldn't handle reading a message where he rejects me all over again). That was a week ago. I removed him from FB. I didn't wish him happy birthday a week ago.

 

Earlier this week, I emailed the people we rent from sorting out the termination of the contract, how I will find people to replace us etc. My ex messaged to say he would be coming back soon to pick up his things etc. He was so cold. But we ended up in a long, heated discussion that involved mainly him telling me how important it is for me to understand how difficult he is finding things - he hasn't sleep in a week, he is miserable etc. He also made a big deal about how much he wanted to come back to talk (because I called him a coward), but he felt he had to be honest on the phone etc. But he never came back, yes he could be honest, but he still never came back to do the decent thing. Instead, I was left alone, not knowing if he could ever come back and I have to deal with a lot on my own now, not least the apartment.

 

Anyway, stupidly last night, I asked him if he wanted to come back and talk about things with an open mind, given that the decision was taken over the phone, when we hadn't seen each other etc. I told him I didn't necessarily want to get back together, but that it might be good to talk whatever the outcome. He said he wanted to have a dignified talk about things, but that he cannot change his decision. Then we talked about how he would come back end of next week to pick up his things. He is so cold in his messages, he writes so formally, it is shocking. I am nice and friendly. I don't impose anything. I try to sound like a human being.

 

I had to tell some of our mutual friends because I was organising a surprise birthday party for him upon his return. I couldn't wait for him to return. I've never organised anything or done anything like this for a boyfriend before. But of course, I had to cancel it. And everyone is completely shocked. And I haven't asked anyone to comment on this, but all have also said he is making a terrible mistake and that he will regret his decision. But somehow, I don't think he will. He's probably had doubts for a while and probably feels relieved. He's "free" now to look to his future without me. Maybe he felt constricted, altho I never compromised his freedom - I always encouraged him to do whatever he wanted. It's tough, really tough. I love him, I really do. Many friends tell me they had no idea why I was with him in the first place. And they are right to some extent. He is almost 30, hasn't started his career, has depression, anxiety etc and probably never loved me, really. I was willing to help him (and my god I did), I was willing to overlook these things. I did start to believe he would regret things, when he returns and faces the grim reality of the break up. But I don't want to kid myself. He obviously doesn't have feelings, he has switched off and he genuinely thinks this is the best decision for him. Our mutual friends disagree tho. But maybe they are just saying these things to make myself feel better. I can't even cling onto the hope he will regret...I will be in another country, that will create more distance. It hurts me.

 

I don't know if I have any specific questions or requests for advice. I think this is just more of a rant and hope people can offer encouraging and positive thoughts during this difficult time.

 

Thanks.

Edited October 23, 2014 by toffeecream77

[No Limit]

You thought you could fix a person who has issues and learned the hard way. Be grateful for the distance, else it'd eat up much more of your sanity and time.

[toffeecream77]

Again, a fourth friend independently commented on how much he loved, how it was in his eyes, the way he would look at me, and how cheesy it was. Before he left for his trip, he curled up to me, almost crying saying how he didn't want to leave me. So what happened in the two months while he was away? He realised he didn't miss me so much after all? Yes, I got this new offer, but why didn't he come back and discuss the options as a grown adult?

 

I can't get my head around things. I really can't.

 

Can somebody switch within such a short time frame?

Edited October 23, 2014 by toffeecream77

[toffeecream77]

He came off them with the help and agreement of his doctor.

[toffeecream77]

He is coming back week from his country after next with a truck to pick up his things. I don't know how to cope. Stupidly, in a message last night, I told him he could stay in the spare room here. No reply yet.

 

I didn't go into work today and I think I might just quit and not return next week. I have a new job lined up in two months anyway.

 

Also, maybe I should just move back home to my country. It sounds there is no hope and I'm worried of being on my own. This morning, I've never felt so low.

 

I could just leave the apartment for him and he can deal with everything, he has no job, no nothing after all, and I don't even speak the language here.

 

Anyone, please reply?

[Arieswoman]

toffeecream77,

I am sorry for your pain.

 

I've posted this before on LS, but I am posting again in case you haven't seen it.

 

I hope it helps,

 

Closure and Other Catastrophes: <br>10 Commandments for Breaking Up | Maryjane Fahey

 

Good luck

[toffeecream77]

I asked him the other night if he wanted to come and talk with an open mind, I told him it wasn't a call for getting back together. He said we could talk, but he wouldn't change his mind.

 

I know this sounds stupid, but could he maybe change his mind if he comes back, sees me, is with me in the apartment? He's been away for over two months, he broke up on the phone.

 

Otherwise, I should just leave the country and not drag this out anymore.

[toffeecream77]

He said I was amazing and will never forget me two nights ago. That sounds very platonic, doesn't it?

[No Limit]

You should finally stop listening to what he says, much less what others say. Look at his actions.

[xUnknown]

Don't quit your job just yet. You don't want to make any rash decisions.

 

If/when you see him, ask as if you two are just friends. You can't expect him to change his mind just because he saw you. Just take things slow. Don't get heated and overreact. TALK. Don't yell. Be Mature about it.

 

It takes two to get into a relationship, one to get out. You can't change his mind if he already has his mind made up. All you can do is respectfully agree with it and know it was for the best.

[irresolute]

Op, I havent read all your thread. Its just too long and detailed...

Just wanted to say hes nit into you and its better if you could stop trying to grab him. Just let him go. Think it this way: hes not worth of your live if he doesnt love you back. Let him go.

[toffeecream77]

now he wants to meet up and talk - he says, finally after three weeks, that he wants to talk, that face to face is better because we can form a connection and it changes dynamics, that whatever happens, we should talk in person. to give you some background, last friday I called him asking him to come back so we can talk - he wasn't so keen, but he called me yesterday to say this is what he wants now.

 

i told him on the phone that i really think a lot of the issues were down to us being stuck in a rut. we weren't having sex much, if at all. we were too focused on work. we weren't going out. all this can affect things, but he thinks it's something else. he said some things you just can't explain, sometimes things don't progress. maybe he just knows deep down, he's not ready to committ and i'm not the girl for him?

 

i don't really want to see him because i'm hurt, i'm angry. besides, will him seeing me after two months (he's been away) really change anything?

 

but i do love him. at the same time, i don't want to be stuck with somebody who doesn't love me, who doesn't have feelings for me or doesn't see a future - i do have self respect and i know my worth.

 

help?

[toffeecream77]

Do I back off, not meet him? Let him go? And see if he misses me? Bearing in mind, I will be leaving the country in two months, and he will be off on travels around that time too.

 

Ideally, I would have liked for us to talk, to maybe make up and see how things go for a couple of months. But he says some of the problems cannot be explained, sometimes things don't progress. So there's not much to talk about, you see? So maybe it's best to do what is widely advised on the internet - accept things, let the ex go, start moving on and see if they come back?

[toffeecream77]

He contacted me a couple days ago, when he arrived, and wants to meet up. I said I was too busy this week, but he was welcome to pick up his things from the apartment during the day. I have mostly ignored him. Then my friend last night showed me his active and recent profile on tinder. I sent him a message "you're on tinder already? that was quick :)" and he replied with a long email, defensive, saying it was an old profile, he wasn't using it etc and that he still hoped we could meet soon to talk. I replied that he should just enjoy the girls on tinder with a to which he replied insisting he wasn't using it and wouldn't be. but it's a lie - he had logged in and the pictures were recent, from the last few months. anyway, i replied calmly, that he is a free man, he can do whatever he wants and that i am not interested in seeing or meeting with him and that i'd keep him updated with regards to the apartment. i cc'ed him in a message to our landlord, explaining that i would be away in december, travelling. hopefully another kick in the balls for him. but i doubt it. he's moved on very quickly and is already looking for women.

 

I should keep my head held up high and walk away with dignity. But it doesn't take away the pain.

[David87]

Op stop sending messages to this guy. Its over he doesn't love you anymore if he ever did. Have some self esteem and walkway with the dignity you have left.

 

Silence is better than words in this kind of situations. NC NC NC!!!

[toffeecream77]

Hi David87, As i said, I have been mostly ignoring him and have refused to see him despite his pleas. I think i have a little more self esteem and dignity than you suggest. Your words are quite hurtful. I've come here for support.

[David87]

Sorry to hear that. I know how it feels and how much it hurts, but you need to understand that there's no other person out there more important than you.

 

Learn to put yourself first...love yourself more and the rest will follow.

 

Sorry if my words hurt you in anyway, but my intention is to open your eyes.

[toffeecream77]

Thanks for your kind words. But haven't i opened my eyes? I told him I don't want to see or speak to him and won't contact him again.

[David87]

Thats a very huge step for you as long as you'll stick to what you said.

 

Next time(hope it won't be necessary) Dont say it just do it and be done with it, as hard as it sounds.

 

Ive learned the hard way when my first gf left me.....but I've applied what I've learned then when my second gf left me. She's dead to me to this day...I ve never spoke to her since last year.....and I've suffered and cried( but no one knew that).

[martaldn]

Thanks for your kind words. But haven't i opened my eyes? I told him I don't want to see or speak to him and won't contact him again.

 

U are doing well in my opinion OP

dont bother with this NC no-sense now ( sorry friend David! ) if you have stuff to sort with him, do them and then the NC phase will come with the time.

 

good luck!!

[David87]

Well he has a profile on a dating site from what I understood. He doesnt love her anymore and most important he doesn't want to reconcile.

 

Any contact with him will only cause more pain and suffering.

[toffeecream77]

Thanks to both of you.

 

I will go NC completely (I was barely responding before). See how that brings down his ego. He only wanted to meet to relieve his conscience for breaking up with me on the phone when he was away for months. He said it wasn't, he wanted to see how it felt when he saw me, to discuss things properly...but that was a load of crap as he was browsing for girls online. I will only cc him into emails about handing over the apartment we rent.

 

I used to think NC would bring him down a peg or two, the break up would hit him when he got back and was living out of a suitcase on his friend's couch. But it doesn't look like it - he's looking for girls less than a month after the break up, when his stuff still in the apartment.

 

All my friends and even some of his friends say he's made a mistake, but too stupid to realise it. He has no job, no aspiration (I guess that's why he has time for Tinder) - I was the only good thing in his life. I am moving onto a dream job. In all honesty, there is nothing that this guy can offer me - and he's almost 30, but he's more like a 24 year old. I gave him everything, was even organising a surprise party for him. Yet I do feel like such a mug, such a chump.

 

I am moving country next month, that should help.

[BeautyPrincess]

I believe you're right in everything you say OP about giving everything, but definitely don't feel like a mug. He's the mug if he doesn't appreciate it all and can just let u go!!

Just to add a different perspective though...my boyfriend ended things with me just over a month ago, due to his 'issues' apparently, and I was straight on tinder. I know that he broke up with me, however I just wanted to say that as someone who joined it straight away, I am NOT looking for anything on there, I am just trying to use it as a distraction to be honest. Maybe it's different for a dumper, I don't know, but just wanted to add a different perspective.

I think you've been very strong OP in not seeing your ex! Not sure I could do the same lol

[martaldn]

Well he has a profile on a dating site from what I understood. He doesnt love her anymore and most important he doesn't want to reconcile.

 

Any contact with him will only cause more pain and suffering.

 

true. but at moment they have some things going on like the stuff he left in the apartment and the rent to sort out.

I am sure OP is very much aware the quicker she will go NC the sooner will start to heal.

she is showing she got balls and she definitely deserve better than this!

[toffeecream77]

I believe you're right in everything you say OP about giving everything, but definitely don't feel like a mug. He's the mug if he doesn't appreciate it all and can just let u go!!

Just to add a different perspective though...my boyfriend ended things with me just over a month ago, due to his 'issues' apparently, and I was straight on tinder. I know that he broke up with me, however I just wanted to say that as someone who joined it straight away, I am NOT looking for anything on there, I am just trying to use it as a distraction to be honest. Maybe it's different for a dumper, I don't know, but just wanted to add a different perspective.

I think you've been very strong OP in not seeing your ex! Not sure I could do the same lol

 

Thanks! I am also surprised at how strong I have been. But deep inside, today at least, I feel sick and weak.

 

He was adamant in his messages that he didn't like tinder and didn't plan on using it, it was just an old profile. Yet he had logged in 20mins previously and there were very recent photos on there. Maybe a distraction, maybe an ego boost. He's lying regardless - it wasn't an old profile at all. He was being too defensive. He didn't even reply to my last message saying I didn't want to meet or talk - if he really wanted to, he would have tried a bit harder.