Reconciling, It's so good and so hard...

October 17, 2014

From breaking up from a text quarrel to him coming home to talk, three times now.

One lesson learnt is I will not allow text quarrels to happen again. It's so easy to go wrong and end a relationship to stop the conflict of the moment. I had a chance to prove that last night and it was so rewarding.

We have been trying to feel each other out or where we stand. We both love each other deeply and want to be back living together.

But he is not making any steps towards that, from what I can see. He is telling me why he is not...

He thinks if he came home the night of the text quarrel, I would have thought I WON and treat him worse. I told him that I wouldn't have, but I really don't know because he didn't come home.

He thinks I only show I really love him when I am about to lose him.

In a way he is right, I will fight for us if I feel a threat.

He thinks I don't want a long term relationship. While I have been trying to fill my days, while he is with his children...he has been thinking that I am starting to move towards a single life.

He thinks I am trying to stop him from seeing his children and said he will not apologize for adoring his children and he will always adore his children.

This is the hard part...I do not feel I have ever asked him to make a choice and don't understand why he feels this way. I was a part of his children's lives with him, until his Ex felt the children were getting to close to me. Now, it's as she wants it...he is only allowed to see his children at their place and exclude me. That is the part that hurts!

Now, there is another situation...three days ago the children's main caregiver quit. His Ex works and most times stays close to her work, during the weekdays. He is more available, so even if he wanted to make the move to come home, he can't until they sort out this. I am so scare that the Ex will just expect him to live there and watch the children. She has done many things to interrupt our lives and she tells the children that Daddy doesn't love you and want to take care of you, if he doesn't.

Any advice how to continue this reconciling to move forward and

how to deal with the Ex/children would be so much appreciated.

I am at a loss, I have no been in a situation of reconciling or with a man with small children and an ex trying to break us up.

October 18, 2014

I don't mean to be harsh on you though what you have is a triangle of conflict of interest with your mate being stuck in the middle.

#1 Until you both can understand each other in communication, never put important issues in messages. You both need to have a sit down on how to communicate better.

#2 His children are #1, so he will always be helping with their needs. Being separated from them makes things difficult your relationship, as their mother will be a concern even if you feel you and him are together.

You will have to learn to be selfless for his children until they are grown enough to be less of a burden on care and needs.

I know how you feel, as it can rob you of time and secure feelings. If you want things to work out, then you must confront your insecurities and put a lot of faith and trust in your mates actions with you.

You can tell him what you feel, but you must tell him you know your insecurities have made you jealous and not so understanding to his children's needs, along with being understanding to him as well. It is a lot to swallow, putting the blame on you, but by doing so you are allowing for reconciliation.

Once you get the message understood and he is willing to accept, you can ask of him to show caring to your needs as well. Showing that you are in his heart and thoughts as well. Not to be any more than his children but honor how much you are willing to sacrifice for his children's well being and time with him.

Yes, it sounds like you are selfish, but in reality you have been left out in the cold a time or two, which builds your insecurity and displeasure. Along with building his expectations of you in accepting how things are. Allowing him to know what affect you in limitation, allows him understand your needs than to rely on expectations of you.

I can't say any issue can be solely blamed on one person. As a relationship requires 50/50 commitment, and understanding. Any time when expectation is used over lack of knowing, the path one takes will veer away from 50/50. Sometimes it gets swept under the rug and allows more expectations to be seeded. The person who sweeps such things under the rug, in hopes things will even out, is also to be blamed.

So, being open and honest with every wee matter will keep things understood between you both. That is critical for any relationship, but most critical for LDR or D with children. He must learn to put you along side his thoughts as if you are their mother as well, so he is not alone in dealing with such matters. I know he probably is keeping Ex out of the picture as much as possible, as to protect you from feeling burdened by dealing with his matters.

I hope some light is given by my reply, as there is hope for your relationship. Just allow trust in him, as he has shown he is fighting for you, not fighting to leave you. Else you would not have had such heated arguments.

October 18, 2014

One lesson learnt is I will not allow text quarrels to happen again. It's so easy to go wrong and end a relationship to stop the conflict of the moment. I had a chance to prove that last night and it was so rewarding.

Good. Serious and/or emotional discussions have no business in this format. It's quite dangerous because you misunderstand and are misunderstood. You need facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. to accurately hear what someone is saying. Text messages allow too much of your personal lens, which is anger and fear when you are arguing, to interpret what is sent.

He thinks if he came home the night of the text quarrel, I would have thought I WON and treat him worse. I told him that I wouldn't have, but I really don't know because he didn't come home.

"WON"? Does he not realize that arguments with a significant other are not about either party winning, but solving a problem together? I'd worry about a man who doesn't understand that.

He thinks I only show I really love him when I am about to lose him.
In a way he is right, I will fight for us if I feel a threat.

What does he define as love? Drama, longing, etc? Because, yeah, those aren't going to happen if you're not arguing, because the honeymoon period always comes to an end. And I'd worry that if this is how he's getting his emotional needs met and feels "loved", that he may be manufacturing drama to get you to give him what he needs.

For a healthier approach to this, read about the 5 Love Languages, and figure out what languages you both speak, and then give love to the other in their preferred language, as opposed to the default setting of assuming that they receive love the same way that you do.

He thinks I don't want a long term relationship. While I have been trying to fill my days, while he is with his children...he has been thinking that I am starting to move towards a single life.

But the reality is that you don't have children, so you are free to do with your days as you wish. He has kids, his time is limited. He sounds jealous and threatened by the prospect of your independence, rather than happy to let you spend your time how you wish.

He thinks I am trying to stop him from seeing his children and said he will not apologize for adoring his children and he will always adore his children.

This is the hard part...I do not feel I have ever asked him to make a choice and don't understand why he feels this way. I was a part of his children's lives with him, until his Ex felt the children were getting to close to me. Now, it's as she wants it...he is only allowed to see his children at their place and exclude me. That is the part that hurts!

Okay, this part has my alarm bells ringing. I recently got out of a relationship with a man with kids (his were teenagers, though), and an ex-wife that tried to break us up using the kids to control him. For a long time, my now-ex didn't see her games and manipulations... probably because he didn't want to see it, because then he'd have to do something about it, and going against his ex-wife meant her pitching a toddler-level screaming and accusatory fit.

If he wants a successful long term relationship, he cannot allow his ex-wife to dictate what happens at his home. She is divorced, and part of that harsh reality is that she can no longer control her children 100% of the time. Many co-parents struggle with this, especially when their ex gets into a serious relationship, which is understandable. But many are able to set their egos aside and do what is best for the kids by accepting the new reality and the associated loss of control. Then there are those who choose to live in the past and still think their feelings should be at the top of their ex's priority list because they share children. Those are the ones who cause unnecessary conflict to avoid dealing with what is another loss, and you've got yourself one of those.

When they are at Dad's house, Dad decides what is best for them, and that includes whether they spend time with you. The fact that he is allowing her this level of control over his life, and then having the gall to project his ex-wife's manipulations onto you... yeah, this isn't looking good.

SHE is the one trying to prevent him from seeing his kids because she is upset that he has a woman in his life. You are not doing anything, and if he chooses to blame you rather than the party who IS responsible, then a relationship with this man is not going to be healthy or fun for you.

Now, there is another situation...three days ago the children's main caregiver quit. His Ex works and most times stays close to her work, during the weekdays. He is more available, so even if he wanted to make the move to come home, he can't until they sort out this. I am so scare that the Ex will just expect him to live there and watch the children. She has done many things to interrupt our lives and she tells the children that Daddy doesn't love you and want to take care of you, if he doesn't.

This guy needs to get some boundaries with his ex-wife around parenting time. Being her constant back-up and covering for her so she can work is akin to the arrangement of being married. I can understand if this is temporary, or if he watches them at his house to maintain boundaries, but what you've said sounds a bit too cozy to me.

(And before the parents of board jump all over me, I am viewing this through the lens of whether he is ready for a long-term relationship, not whether he is a good father. I agree that he should be there for his kids on his time, in emergencies, and occasionally helping out if the ex has a scheduling conflict. But the cozy arrangement of being a constant back-up for his ex at her residence is not conducive to moving on with his life, and he shouldn't try to have a serious relationship if these are the choices he is going to make. He can balance caring for his children and having boundaries with his ex and he is not doing that.)

Any advice how to continue this reconciling to move forward and
how to deal with the Ex/children would be so much appreciated.

I am at a loss, I have no been in a situation of reconciling or with a man with small children and an ex trying to break us up.

Though it is tempting to feel powerless and blame the ex, the real problem is your guy and his lack of boundaries. Once kids are in the picture, people seem to want to cling on to some sort of co-dependence with their ex and end up acting like they are still together. Your guy is doing this, and while it is fine, it is not allowing space for a new serious relationship in his life.

Unless he can find the strength to develop boundaries and separate his life from his ex in a respectful manner, then you are going to be unhappy.

Start viewing him as the person causing you pain, because that is what he is doing. He can change things in his life to make room for you and still be a great loving dad to his kids, he is choosing not to do that, and he isn't even aware that there is a problem.

All signs point to unhappiness for you. I would walk away with my head held high, after explaining to him my boundaries for myself, which include not letting his ex-wife run his life via the kids any longer. You may have to specifically point out examples for him, because he has blinders on. Be prepared for that conversation not to go well, though, since it's easy to blame the "outsider" for causing problems, rather than taking a good hard look at how he is helping to create those problems.

So, a guy with poor boundaries with his ex, who projects her bad behavior onto you, and who doesn't know how to communicate in a healthy manner... it's not looking good. I would walk away after telling him my expectations. Maybe he'll be back someday after sorting things out and developing boundaries with is ex. If you don't walk away, I think you will be getting more than your fair share of pain as the convenient scapegoat for his ex, because you have the audacity to want to have an adult relationship with a man who thinks he is ready for that but is so not ready for that. It is him that is the problem, not you.

Edited October 18, 2014 by idoltree

October 19, 2014

Hi sdrawkcaB,

I replied to your encouraging words and insight..but I don't see it here so here goes again...

a triangle of conflict of interest with your mate being stuck in the middle.

This is true. It has been over a year, since I have seen his children.

He doesn't want to put his children in the middle of this, either. He is trying to protect his children from being drilled and told I am a bad person.

During our last talk, I suggested maybe his Ex will reconsider now that the caregiver quit. He didn't think it would make a difference to his Ex. I told him that somehow there has to be a counteraction to the negative things said to his children about us, especially me.

You both need to have a sit down on how to communicate better.

This is what I am hoping to do with the ongoing talks. I am trying to find answers why we fight the way we do. I don't want it that way anymore.

I have been searching the net...conflict styles and 5 love langauges.

His children are #1, so he will always be helping with their needs

I know this and that is okay with me. What is not okay with me is the circumstances around that. I have told him that we actually agree that he has to be with his children even though it's a sudden interfering tactic of his Ex.

you must confront your insecurities and put a lot of faith and trust in your mates actions with you.

I have started doing this and I think that word "needy" is used too loosely.

It's a fine line expressing your feelings to sounding "needy"

I have told him that I feel neglected and abandoned when these sudden sleepovers happen.

That I needed him to tell me...I Love You. Not just "Sorry" and I will be home tomorrow. He really thought I had nothing to be concerned about and not start a fight because he said he would be home the next day.

I hope he is more sensitive to my insecurities, the next time. I know there will be a next time, because this has happened 3 times since we moved back in together.

He must learn to put you along side his thoughts as if you are their mother as well, so he is not alone in dealing with such matters. I know he probably is keeping Ex out of the picture as much as possible, as to protect you from feeling burdened by dealing with his matters.

YES!

there is hope for your relationship. Just allow trust in him, as he has shown he is fighting for you, not fighting to leave you.

Thank you for seeing this and understanding why I want this relationship and want to do my part.

I still have my doubts but when I surrender to putting my love and trust in him, I can see he is more willing to communicate his insecurities and fears, too. And he will show his strong side, too.

October 19, 2014