Lost the Love of my Life and It's All My Fault -- Where Do I Go From Here

[dammit]

Hey everybody,

 

I've never done anything like this before, but it's been a month and a half, and I honestly don't know where to turn.

 

So right now I'm a sophomore in college and I started dating this girl near the end of my senior year in high school. I had just gotten out of a train-wreck of a two-year relationship with a girl who cheated on me multiple times, so going into my relationship with the new girl (we'll call her Ann), I wanted to keep everything casual. I had no intention of actually committing to anything - I just wanted a casual hook-up to get me through high-school.

 

But then, something changed. The more I talked to Ann, the more I realized that I liked her, loved her even, and I wanted to stay with her. It's hard to explain exactly what made me feel this way but I felt it, like I've never felt anything before. She was such a good girlfriend -- she was so devoted, and she really cared about me a lot, and I could trust her, like I'd never been able to trust anyone else. Plus she was, and still is, the prettiest person I've ever seen. She was way out of my league, and she was totally into me. It was the best situation I ever could have hoped for.

 

So, going into my freshman year, I stayed with her. Even though we were an 8 hour drive apart (she was still in high-school; she was a year younger when we started dating), we saw each other every month, talked/skyped constantly, and everything was pretty good. Sure, long distance put some mild strain on the relationship, but we made it all the way through, and I felt, at the end of the year, like we were closer than we ever had been. The plan was to stay together forever. We were both ready to commit long term.

 

Then, when she found out where she was going to go to school, things started to change. It's important to note, it was NOT different for her. She acted the same way, gave me the same amount of love (I mean, things cooled off a little bit, but nothing dramatic), and cared for me like she always did. But something about me switched as soon as I thought about her in college. I became extremely jealous and territorial, I was constantly worried about her leaving me for another guy. And even though she reassured me, I couldn't feel any better. There was nothing she could say to make me comfortable.

 

So, we decided (really I decided) that going into the year we were going to take a month-long break, so she could scope out college, see if she was interested in anyone, and go from there. I really wanted to do it for her - I anted to make sure she was with me for the right reasons, that she wasn't going to run off the first time some guy whose hotter than me talked to her.

 

But during that month, when we were both off at our respective schools, I just became crazier. I constantly felt like she was cheating and not telling me, and one night, I got really drunk and let a girl kiss me for a couple second. It was totally ****ed up and totally my fault -- I could have stopped it whenever I wanted to, but I let it happen because I was afraid of getting hurt. I didn't want to be cheated on again, I wanted to make sure that I wasn't the one caught off guard.

 

Needless to say, I felt unbelievably guilty. Ultimately, I called her that night and told her what happened, at which point she told me she could never trust me and didn't want to be with me anymore.

 

I couldn't accept that and totally freaked out. About a week after the break, I kept texting her telling her to call me, which really made her angry. Finally, she gave in and we talked, but she said I was harassing her, and under no circumstances should I ever, ever try and contact her again. A week after that I sent her a long, apology email which she didn't respond to, and then blocked her on Facebook so I wouldn't have to see her pictures at college.

 

Since then, it's sen a month and a half, and all I can think about is her. I know everyone here will say that she won't take me back because she DOES want to see other people - because she wants to experience college as a pretty freshman girl. But I swear, I don't think that's true. I think she has major trust issues now, because of our relationship, and I know that, if she's seeing anyone, it's probably pretty sporadic and unhealthy. I've heard, from her friends and my friends, that she hasn't really moved on to a new guy, so theoretically she could be just as ****ed up as I am.

 

So, I guess, the question is, what do I do? She doesn't want to talk to me, but I swear to God I think she's the one. Will she ever get over this? Would you? I'm worried about giving it time, because she's a very proud girl and she's also pretty stubborn, so I could definitely visualize a situation where she doesn't want to be with me anymore because I cheated on her, and actually never talks to me again. On the other hand, how can I move on from someone who I think was the one? Everyone I've talked to and met, just doesn't measure up. She's too good, too honest, too caring, too loving. How can I live knowing I ruined the best thing I've ever had and ever will have?

 

Please let me hear your thoughts. I want to move on but Don't know how. I just feel totally dead inside.

[d0nnivain]

Break ups are difficult but the transition to college has killed many a relationship. You can't handle the LDR thing when she has options. It's OK. A lot of people can't handle an LDR.

 

Both of you need time to explore & grow & find out what college has to offer. Perhaps you will see each other at breaks when you are both home but don't have any expectations.

 

For now, keep yourself busy. Surround yourself with friends. Get involved in groups / clubs / activities on campus.

 

Before long you will find yourself coming back to life & she will be part of your fun memories from high school, nothing more.

[mightycpa]

Forward, dammit! You go forward!

 

You can look to the past for lessons, but you cannot look to the past for destinations.

 

You go forward.

[PinkElephants]

My ex could have written this post. His first love cheated and totally broke him; he thought any woman he dated would eventually cheat and leave. He was also convinced I was out of his league and would definitely abandon him so he beat me to the punch and slept with someone while on vacation.

 

He confessed, I dumped him, he begged for me back for seven years. SEVEN YEARS. He would drive up to visit me and ask for me back, he'd go quiet then email, go quiet then myspace me, go quiet then facebook me, go quiet then ask mutual friends about me. During those years he finished college, got a great job and an awesome place and started bargaining for marriage.

 

During this time, I moved on. Started and then transferred colleges, dated a few guys, traveled, and was in a 2 year long relationship when he surfaced for the last time. He'd done it again. Dated a girl, panicked and thought she was going to leave, cheated, and got dumped. He came crying to me saying the only time he'd ever been happy was with me and that he couldn't date anyone else because she wasn't me. He was absolutely convinced that I was "the one" and that I was as screwed up as he was because his ex screwed him up. He kept talking about needing to save me I told him to leave me alone for the millionth time and he finally listened.

 

Don't be my ex. He was almost 30 by the time he finally understood I'd never take him back. He wasted 7 years pining for someone that had been over him for 6 3/4. She's moving on, she'll get over it, she'll learn from it and do better next time. Casually dating isn't unhealthy for her; she probably realizes that she's too young to settle down and is having fun. You didn't f*ck her up so stop giving yourself more credit than you deserve. You gave her the gift of freedom from wasting time on the wrong guy and hopefully she realizes that like I did.

 

As for you, again, don't be my ex. Figure out why you did what you did and don't do it to the next girl but you lost the one you had. Leave her alone before she labels you a stalker or creepy. You're young and still have lots of opportunity to meet someone else and treat them right.

[mightycpa]

My ex could have written this post. His first love cheated and totally broke him; he thought any woman he dated would eventually cheat and leave. He was also convinced I was out of his league and would definitely abandon him so he beat me to the punch and slept with someone while on vacation.

 

He confessed, I dumped him, he begged for me back for seven years. SEVEN YEARS. He would drive up to visit me and ask for me back, he'd go quiet then email, go quiet then myspace me, go quiet then facebook me, go quiet then ask mutual friends about me. During those years he finished college, got a great job and an awesome place and started bargaining for marriage.

 

During this time, I moved on. Started and then transferred colleges, dated a few guys, traveled, and was in a 2 year long relationship when he surfaced for the last time. He'd done it again. Dated a girl, panicked and thought she was going to leave, cheated, and got dumped. He came crying to me saying the only time he'd ever been happy was with me and that he couldn't date anyone else because she wasn't me. He was absolutely convinced that I was "the one" and that I was as screwed up as he was because his ex screwed him up. He kept talking about needing to save me I told him to leave me alone for the millionth time and he finally listened.

 

Don't be my ex. He was almost 30 by the time he finally understood I'd never take him back. He wasted 7 years pining for someone that had been over him for 6 3/4. She's moving on, she'll get over it, she'll learn from it and do better next time. Casually dating isn't unhealthy for her; she probably realizes that she's too young to settle down and is having fun. You didn't f*ck her up so stop giving yourself more credit than you deserve. You gave her the gift of freedom from wasting time on the wrong guy and hopefully she realizes that like I did.

 

As for you, again, don't be my ex. Figure out why you did what you did and don't do it to the next girl but you lost the one you had. Leave her alone before she labels you a stalker or creepy. You're young and still have lots of opportunity to meet someone else and treat them right.

 

He still loves you, or at least he thinks he does. I can totally sympathize with that guy, except I had the good sense to go NC on day 1, and stick to it. She didn't have to tell me twice. Sometimes, you can just tell, you know?

 

I have no idea what she might think of me today, or if she even does think of me, but if so, at least it won't be like that.

 

Ouch.

 

Read it and weep, OP.

[Xiane]

forgive yourself and move on dear