He used to blame me for his self- harm, should I feel responsible?

[AieshaR]

hey guys, so I'll get straight into it!

 

I was dating this guy for almost 2 years and everything was so beautiful as it always is in the beginning of a relationship. I knew him for 4 years before we started dating but we were only friends. When we were talking one night, we started to form this amazing connection and he opened up alot about himself and that he suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts. Knowing this, I still went into the relationship even though his mum had warned me that this wasn't going to be easy.

 

Anyway so he use to smoke a lot, and before he asked me out he told me that he quit. One day I went in his room and I found a cigarette on his table. I got pissed because he lied. He didn't have to lie, I would've been so okay if he had just told me he slipped and had a cigarette. It's just the lying I hate..I questioned if he was lying about more things. I mean, if he could lie to me about a bloody cigarette then he could be lying about more things. We had an argument and I left his house.

 

We broke up the next day because I felt disrespected that he lied and he did not once say sorry. But we got back together not long after. But he was so distant, he kept breaking up with me..even when everything was amazing. I thought we we were fine. I then started to have suspicions that he was cheating...and I was right. He came over one day and we had sex for hours! It was amazing. I wanted to ask him if he was cheating but I knew he would deny it. So before he left my house I hid his phone under my bed..which I know was wrong. And when he left I went thru it and found all these messages about him cheating on me the night we had the fight about the cigarette and even when we got back together after the break up. They kissed and went out to concerts and clubs. I was devasted. Especially because it thought we were finally back on track.

 

I told him I went through his phone and he came over the next day and apologised, but stupid me forgave him! I was scarred from then on and could see that I had no trust in him what so ever. I even stopped him from watching porn and seeing his friend who was also a cheater to his gf.

 

Then one day he and I had an argument over weed, I hated that he smoked so much weed and I told him to stop because he would just bum around after getting high and would bring out his depression. He couldn't admit that he became addicted. The argument got so heated because he became so defensive to the point where he grabbed a knife and sliced his wrists with blood pouring out. The only thing I could say was "are you satisfied" and he said yes. I just looked at him and was in shock. This was not the first time. He would bang his head on walls, break things, talk about suicide. And then one day he said to me that it's my fault he does it. That if I never argued with him he wouldn't feel the need to cut him. I felt so ****. I didn't know what to believe.

 

He broke up with me 4 times this year and 3 last year but just 3 months ago I left. I couldn't let him keep breaking up with me and hurting me continuously. He lied way to many times, even after the cheating he would lie so much. He continuously told me he quit smoking but then I would see recepits that he bought a packet of cigarettes. It's like really?? After everything you still lie?! I would over hear him bitching about me to his mum, saying **** about my brother to his sister.

 

Then after I broke up with him, we still had sex for a month or so and then I stopped it. Then I found out that I had a miscarriage. We hadn't spoken for almost two months but I needed to tell him so I called. But ever since then he hasn't even messaged to ask how I am. He doesn't even care after all those things I did for him. I was there through everything with him. EVERY time he broke up with me I would chase him and let him know that I will always be there but he cheated and lied to me time and time again. He would manipulate my words and make himself the victim. Even my friends say that he talks in a way that he wants people to feel sorry for him! Am I responsible for his cutting and am I responsible for the fact that he kept breaking up with me even when I though we were amazing?

 

Thanks x

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

sounds very close to what I dealt with... sounds like acute anxiety along with depression. It is umpossible to assist on your own, as they really need medical treatment. All you can do is listen without judgment and reafirm good things you have done. they will have a tendancy to lay blame from clouded thoughts. Plus will constantly bring up issues and negativity as if they relive the experince. Depending on current treatment, upping dosage for depression or even changing to a different drug may help. Best thing is gettiing him to see a professional to assist in his needs.

[Zahara]

Am I responsible for his cutting and am I responsible for the fact that he kept breaking up with me even when I though we were amazing?

 

Thanks x

 

No, you are not responsible for his emotional and mental instability. Regardless of how you behaved in the relationship and seeing that there was nothing that you did that "made" him do what he did, someone choosing to act the way they do is no one else's responsibility but their own.

 

You both were not amazing together. What's amazing about cheating, lying and disrespect in a relationship? What's amazing about breaking up with you 4 times this year and 3 times last year? It's time for you to pull him and the relationship off from that pedestal. I understand that you are idealizing what you had but when you look at it realistically, it's not what "amazing" relationships look like.

 

And stop seeking validation from him. If he never cared about you during the relationship, never considered your feelings, never prioritized you or the relationship -- what would make you think that he would now want to show care and reach out to you? It's over. Done. It's a break-up. Treat is at such. It's time for you to move on from this. It was never a healthy situation for you, even his mother told you that.

 

You can't love someone out of their dysfunction. The only way that changes is for him to want to seek help. And you can't do that for him at the expense of your own emotional and mental health.

 

Block and move on.

Edited October 16, 2014 by Zahara

[d0nnivain]

He's a mess & you are lucky he is out of your life. His choices were HIS. You didn't hold a gun to his head. Nothing he chose to do was your fault or your responsibility.

[Downtown]

Aiesha, welcome to the LoveShack forum. Because you've been reading my posts in Ali's thread, I assume you already realize that the behaviors you describe are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Of course, only a professional can determine whether your exBF has full-blown BPD. Spotting the warning signs, however, is not difficult once you know what to look for because there is nothing subtle about red flags such as temper tantrums, verbal abuse, cutting and head banging, and always being "The Victim."

He grabbed a knife and sliced his wrists with blood pouring out. .... This was not the first time. He would bang his head on walls, break things, talk about suicide.

Self harm like cutting and head banging is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found that

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.

See

J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004

.

He broke up with me 4 times this year and 3 last year.

The repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is a hallmark of BPDers. It therefore is not surprising that a recent survey of BPDfamily members found that 40% of the BPDer relationships went through six or more breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending permanently. It also found that nearly a fourth of BPDer relationships went through 10 or more such cycles before ending for good. See POLL: Break-up/make-up cycles.

 

Even my friends say that he talks in a way that he wants people to feel sorry for him!

If your exBF is a BPDer, that behavior is to be expected because BPDers frequently seek validation for the false self image of being "The Victim." Always "The Victim."

 

Am I responsible for his cutting and am I responsible for the fact that he kept breaking up with me even when I though we were amazing?

No, he is responsible for his own dysfunctional behavior. As long as you remained in the toxic relationship with him, it was impossible for you to avoid triggering the two fears you describe: abandonment and engulfment. The reason is that these fears lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum.

 

This means that, as you back away from one fear, you necessarily are drawing closer to triggering the other. Hence, when you backed away to avoid suffocating him with the engulfment fear, you unavoidably drew closer to triggering his great fear of abandonment. This means that, as long as you stayed in a relationship with him, you were always in a lose-lose situation.

[Xiane]

you deserve someone better for you i can feel the pain just by reading it, i am like, "what the @#@#$$!". i know it's easier said than done, but move on