Dealing With These Emotions

[ReallyTrying]

So I recently experienced a breakup after 1 1/2 years. I'm having a really difficult time with my emotions and I'm hoping (praying) that someone here can say something to make me feel better. Below is the "shortened" history of our relationships together. Scroll down to the ---------------- for my current emotional problems and questions.

 

To make a long story short, I'm 32, she's 26. We have been dating on and off for the past 4 years, and our most recent breakup was 3 days ago after being together for 1 1/2 years. In the past it would usually last anywhere from a few months to 1 year, then she'll slowly withdraw and eventually tell me "I don't know what I want, I need time alone." We'll break up for a few months, then run into each other at work or text out of the blue and start dating again. The last time this happened which was 1 1/2 years ago things seemed different when we got back together, they were better. She had told me she dated a bunch of guys during that prior break and they were all A-holes or she didn't feel the connection with them that we have.

 

Things will always start out amazing, the whole newness thing. There is SO much love at the beginning and then things started to slowly fall into a routine, mostly my fault because A) I'm an introvert, and B)I like routines. She is a very demanding girl and always held grudges after a fight. If we fought about something I would try to smooth it over, say I love you lets just move on and her answer would be "No, why do you always have to win every fight.. I'm still mad." After dating for 7 months this time she said she's ready for a ring. She flat out told me what religion she is going to raise our kids, what she is going to name them, and where we are going to live. It wasn't a conversation, they were demands. When I told her I've always wanted a new car and I would like to get that sometime over the next 3 years her response was "That can wait, I want a house and kids first."

 

She didn't have any money saved up for a house, but expected me to pay some and her parents would pay the rest. I told her I would shoot for a ring by the end of this year (2014), and pretty much every month leading up to that either her or her family would say something to me like "when are you going to propose?" It got to the point where I became very pressured and started pulling away from the relationship. Sex wasn't enjoyable anymore because I always felt so pressured around her. We both worked hectic schedules so the majority of our time on weekdays consisted of her coming home to my apartment and us either having sex or falling asleep in bed while holding each other and watching tv. On our few days off together I would try an activity with her, either hiking, a walk in the park, tennis, skating, mini-golf. movies, etc... She hated everything and would be texting on her phone the whole time or looking at facebook.

 

She said her hobbies were shopping and going out for dinner and drinks with friends. She most recently told me "was I supposed to think mini-golf was fun? Because I was miserable and bored the whole time." At the time she looked like she was having fun though. She was a good-intentioned person, but her parents were in a dysfunctional marriage without any communication (they rarely did anything together) and often yelling at each other with profanity in front of everyone. Her mother would also harshly criticize my girlfriend and her sister using profanity and then proceed to go days to weeks without talking because both sides wanted to "win the fight." However I was on good terms with her parents.

 

Last Friday she came down with the flu. I let her stay over, took care of her, gave her medications, massaged her. At one point she tried to kiss me and have sex and I gently replied "I'm really sorry, I don't mean to sound like an *** but I can't get sick, i have a very busy week at work next week." She became infuriated and started yelling at me, saying if I was a real man I would just do it and not care about the fact that she was coughing up a lung and her nose was stuffed and running like a faucet. The following morning she was still upset and told me that she didn't want the ring this year anymore, she has been unhappy for the past few months as she has become bored with our "routine." Keep in mind she works 5 days a week with 13 hour days, would come over after work and just crash in my bed.

 

I told her the feeling was mutual but I loved her and still wanted to work on things. I offered to go to couples therapy but she said she didn't have time with her work schedule. She became very cold and distant earlier this week, only texting me "I love you goodnight/goodmorning." There was no more playful banter. I confronted her and she said things feel different and that she needs time to her self to think about things. This is how she broke up with me all the other times, she wouldn't actually break up but instead slowly pull away and stop talking to me.

 

She came over Monday morning to "talk." I again said I will do whatever it takes to fix things, give me a chance. I'll go to therapy, etc.. She said she doesn't know what she wants, she has her family and friends giving her conflicting advice (she's 26). We both said some mean things in the heat of the moment and she started crying and hugging me. She cried so hard that she couldn't breath and couldn't even speak. Not only was I hurt that things were ending but I was in so much pain knowing that she was being hurt. Eventually she calmed down, i walked her out to her car. We had a very passionate kiss outside her car and I thought maybe there was hope. I said "So where does that leave us? What are we doing?" She said "I don't know, we'll see."

 

She drove off. I didn't hear from her the rest of the day on Monday, Tuesday morning I sent a text saying how much I love her and how much I want to work on things. She said she's at work and really upset. Later in the night she texted me that we're wasting our time, there is nothing left to say, and that I have to respect her and give her her space.

 

I texted her mom (whom i was on close terms with) and her mother basically said that my gf had spoken to her a few days ago and said she was unhappy, and that she (mother) in the past had high hopes that we'd be able to work through all our problems but sometimes things aren't meant to be. She said (texted) it was a pleasure having me as part of the family and she wished me all the best, whether it's with her daughter or with somebody else.

 

---------------------------

 

So now to my emotions. I have never been in this much pain before. I would rather have a broken leg or arm than have to feel this kind of emotional pain. When I read her mom's text I knew it was over because she is usually the one who would fight for us. I started crying my eyes out, I've never cried this hard and yes I"m a 32 year old man. All I keep thinking about is her laying in bed with me, us cuddling and watching tv, kissing her cheek, her lying on my chest, her little habits like waking up at 5am to drink a glass of milk, all the inside jokes and cute pet-names. I put all her stuff in garbage bags and took down all the pictures of us, moved them to my father's basement. My apartment is so empty now. Everywhere I look in here reminds me of her. My bathroom is barren without her hair products everywhere.

 

How am I going to go to sleep at night without hearing her voice first, or waking up in the morning without seeing a "good morning baby" text?? I was hysterically crying nonstop yesterday to my family members and friends. At the end of the day I was so exhausted that I finally slept for around 4 hours from 1am to 5am. Now Im awake again, starting a new day hysterically crying again. I'm in pain from the fact that I will never get to hold her again. I'm in pain from the fact that I saw how badly she was crying when we broke up and how hurt she was. I truly believe this feeling is never going to go away and I don't know what to do. People always say "try to keep busy" but that's bs. I'm almost immobilized I'm in so much pain. She is still going to work everyday but I believe she is in pain as well. I made a fake facebook account (I don't have fb) and saw her facebook page still had our pictures on it, she didn't take them down.

 

That gave me some temporary relief that maybe we'll get back together one day. But all in all I am just a mess right now. I have no appetite and it's difficult to think about anything else besides what we had. I'm at my wits end. I don't want any other girls. I don't want to sleep or have sex with anyone else, I don't want to cuddle with anyone else. I don't care that the sex became pressured and unenjoyable. If she texted me tomorrow and said she wants to try things again I would buy her a ring and let her permanently move in. I would forget whatever second thoughts I was having or about the new car I wanted, I would save up all I could for a nice house for her.

 

I would treat her the way should should have been treated instead of letting things slowly become routine. I should have surprised her with nice vacations (we only went on 1 vacation per year - it was hard with our work schedules). I was initially only planning to spend ~$6000 on a ring. She said that was fine and she didn't want anything expensive - she just wanted the ring and committment. She wasn't a very materialistic person. I am so mad with myself that I let our relationship get to that point of boredom.

 

I was not a good boyfriend. Obviously I never cheated or raised a hand to her but I could have and should have done more to make her feel loved. The fact that she held grudges and basically couldn't discuss a disagreement without raising her voice was a red flag but I was willing to deal with it because I loved her. We never really had time to go out to dinner (occasionally I would take her out on saturday nights) but I would often cook for her during the week when she came here after work. I am ok with routines and enjoy sitting on the couch watching sports or lying in bed watching movies WITH HER. I should have made more of an effort to make plans with other couples knowing she is an extrovert and enjoyed that. I took her for granted and assumed she would always be here and put up with me, and now I have nothing. If in the past she ever came out and said to me "If this relationship is going to work we have to do X Y Z" then obviously I would have done it.

 

I never thought a breakup was on the horizon from her perspective. She just quietly chugged along being unhappy. Now I can't imagine making small talk with another women and going on a first date again. I can't imagine meeting a new family, having "the talk" prior to our first intimacy, getting used to new habits. I truly believe I'm never going to love again and I really don't want to love again. My family said I need to walk away, that we are two different personalities and that this is for the best. Not a single person who knows our relationship and history has told me to try to get back together with her. They think she was going to walk all over me once she got her ring.

 

Please, can somebody give me some advice. Please tell me this pain is going to lessen. Please tell me how to cope with this. Luckily I have a few days off so I don't have to worry about it distracting me at work and I do have some great family and friends to be with but even so this seems impossible. Will there ever be a point where I can look at the wall in my apartment and not think about the picture of us that used to hang there? Will I get used to sleeping alone every night?

Edited October 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ConfusedMike]

Different circumstances but similar outcome for me. My gf and I broke up this week after 3 years. My happiest memories all include her and I'm lost. I'll take it one day at a time, go through a rollercoaster of emotions, try to stay busy and focus on what I do have. I take comfort in coming to LS to share my feelings and read other peoples experiences and I realize that I'm not the only one to go through this pain...There's some comfort in shared pain. I love my girl with all my heart, but now she's gone and I have to accept that.

 

Hang in there and share your feelings. Listen to some music, spend some time reflecting, cry, read books and read some of the experiences some other members have shared and try to find some positives from them and realize that despite the incredibly crushing pain that we are going through, the sun will rise tomorrow and with time, we will heal.

[Michael 93]

ReallyTrying, That was hard to read man. I really do feel your pain. I want you to stay away from the thoughts about "I could have done more to make her feel loved, I should of done more etc" that will not help you right now. Nobody is perfect within a relationship and to master it down to a fine T is pretty near impossible.

 

I can tell from how you write how difficult this is on you. The statement about the hair products not in the bathroom really stood out to me and I can totally relate to that.

 

One thing you need to understand is that you are not on your own in this. There are hundreds if not thousands of people on this site who are going/have gone through this that are here to help and support. You have beat the first hurdle by acknowledging that you require help and want to stop feeling like this.

 

What you have to do here is give her space and work on yourself. The worst possible thing I did after my break up was push and push and plead and cry, believe me that is NOT a good look. 1. It will drive her further away and 2. If she don't come back you have the memories of how destroyed you were after the BU. Please remain strong. She knows you are there, and if it is you she wants she will let you know. But in the meantime you must work on yourself and show her you are trying to improve.

 

If you want therapy then go and do it, exercise, buy new clothes and stay well groomed. Take care of your appearance and then like you said, if you happen to bump into her again (like has happened previously) you will resemble a strong confident man who has worked hard to get his S*** together. She will admire that. Nobody can tell you how important this is more than me, my story was a train wreck ask any of the guys on here. The one mistake I made was to not use this as a motivation from the first day!!

 

Go away for a weekend with friends, refresh and come back with confidence and a desire to win. Leave your ex to think things through and realise what life without you is like. Do not act hastily and do not rush things...

 

What's meant to be will be..

 

I give you my best.

 

Mike