Was I right to dump my boyfriend for this?

[Wearyone]

So I had been with my partner for two years. At times he was loving, kind, appeared to be caring. But from early on I noticed he drank a great deal, and would become extremely unpleasant and suspicious towards me in these times. He would start random fights with me and others and accuse me of cheating on him with various friends of his whom I do not even know that well, or of just cheating in general. I have done no such thing. The longer I knew him, the more apparent his drinking problem became. I also noticed that he would constantly refer to his ex as "a slut" and that he was extremely unpleasant about her. Claiming she had cheated.

 

His grip on reality was questionable at best. He has very pronounced mood swings, and one minute would be nice, the next he would be silent in a way that could only be described as sullen, and brooding constantly. When he was like that he was very snappy and moody. He constantly questioned if he was "good enough" in bed for me. Reassurances that he was were met with resistance or saying I was "lying."

 

His drinking was severe for most of our relationship. I almost left him multiple times when he would come home and be verbally abusive, rip my bags open when I tried to leave, keep my from leaving the house when he was like this, I once was forced to ring the police as he was screaming in my face and would not allow me to leave the house after he came home one night and I had had enough of his abuse and insistence I had "been with someone else" while he was gone. This became excessively tiresome. Even when he was sober some days he would ask before going out if I was going to "be good and not sleep with someone else" while he was gone. This went from concerning to annoying very quickly.

 

I in no way claim to be perfect. I too snapped, shouted and screamed. However his insistence that I was a slut who could not control my raging sex drive for everyone but him began to make me wonder if he was a misogynist who actually subtly looked down on me and women in general, denigrating me to the status of "slut" and who feared and hated the ability I he perceived I had in his mind to betray him and therefore hurt him due to our closeness. I noticed that whenever he was verbally abusive I had to force him to apologise or else he would say "what I said was your fault." Blame was always assigned to me, he once said that he physically assaulted me by grabbing my crotch and saying that "all the other men have touched you like this so why can't I" when he was drunk one night was because I went out to a female friends house for drinks without "telling him first." He was out and ignored my texts so I didn't text him that I was going to see her. He said if I had told him it would never have happened because he never would have drunk so much. I found this line of "logic" to be blame assignment at best.

 

I was disgusted and refused to speak to him the day after that but he called me every hour on the hour all day the next day and even came to my house and attempted to break in. I reluctantly assented. He refused to apologise for that too, because after he did that I punched him in the face and gave him a black eye. I fully own that action. I was brought up in such a way that if a man treats me like that, he can only expect retaliation.

 

In any case.

Last night was the final straw. He came home, and as soon as I saw his facial expression I knew hell was afoot. He proceeded to demand why I was naked (???) I was actually lying in bed in my pyjamas. He then threw a bottle at me, in my face. When I jumped up to demand and explanation, he told me I was a fat pig and a slob, as the lights were out, the tv was off and I had not done the dishes (I had been in my room reading.) He screamed at me for half an hour at least, and his face was so close in my face that his spit was spraying on it.

 

It seems to me he began this fight on purpose. Needless to say, I packed my bags and stayed at a friends house that night (after he took my key and tried to force me to stay I escaped the house through the laundry door) and when he tried to call me in the morning I just texted him (Because I am TIRED of talking to him. His logic is very twisted.) that I wanted him out of my life. I have realised that I cannot, nor do I wish to put up with this any longer. I have asked him multiple times to seek counselling for his trust issues and alcohol/drug issues and he refused. I now really want to leave and never go back. I am afraid if I go back I will be trapped baby-sitting a bitter alcoholic man baby for years and years. Am I right to feel this way?

[Natsu21]

So I had been with my partner for two years. At times he was loving, kind, appeared to be caring. But from early on I noticed he drank a great deal, and would become extremely unpleasant and suspicious towards me in these times. He would start random fights with me and others and accuse me of cheating on him with various friends of his whom I do not even know that well, or of just cheating in general. I have done no such thing. The longer I knew him, the more apparent his drinking problem became. I also noticed that he would constantly refer to his ex as "a slut" and that he was extremely unpleasant about her. Claiming she had cheated.

 

His grip on reality was questionable at best. He has very pronounced mood swings, and one minute would be nice, the next he would be silent in a way that could only be described as sullen, and brooding constantly. When he was like that he was very snappy and moody. He constantly questioned if he was "good enough" in bed for me. Reassurances that he was were met with resistance or saying I was "lying."

 

His drinking was severe for most of our relationship. I almost left him multiple times when he would come home and be verbally abusive, rip my bags open when I tried to leave, keep my from leaving the house when he was like this, I once was forced to ring the police as he was screaming in my face and would not allow me to leave the house after he came home one night and I had had enough of his abuse and insistence I had "been with someone else" while he was gone. This became excessively tiresome. Even when he was sober some days he would ask before going out if I was going to "be good and not sleep with someone else" while he was gone. This went from concerning to annoying very quickly.

 

I in no way claim to be perfect. I too snapped, shouted and screamed. However his insistence that I was a slut who could not control my raging sex drive for everyone but him began to make me wonder if he was a misogynist who actually subtly looked down on me and women in general, denigrating me to the status of "slut" and who feared and hated the ability I he perceived I had in his mind to betray him and therefore hurt him due to our closeness. I noticed that whenever he was verbally abusive I had to force him to apologise or else he would say "what I said was your fault." Blame was always assigned to me, he once said that he physically assaulted me by grabbing my crotch and saying that "all the other men have touched you like this so why can't I" when he was drunk one night was because I went out to a female friends house for drinks without "telling him first." He was out and ignored my texts so I didn't text him that I was going to see her. He said if I had told him it would never have happened because he never would have drunk so much. I found this line of "logic" to be blame assignment at best.

 

I was disgusted and refused to speak to him the day after that but he called me every hour on the hour all day the next day and even came to my house and attempted to break in. I reluctantly assented. He refused to apologise for that too, because after he did that I punched him in the face and gave him a black eye. I fully own that action. I was brought up in such a way that if a man treats me like that, he can only expect retaliation.

 

In any case.

Last night was the final straw. He came home, and as soon as I saw his facial expression I knew hell was afoot. He proceeded to demand why I was naked (???) I was actually lying in bed in my pyjamas. He then threw a bottle at me, in my face. When I jumped up to demand and explanation, he told me I was a fat pig and a slob, as the lights were out, the tv was off and I had not done the dishes (I had been in my room reading.) He screamed at me for half an hour at least, and his face was so close in my face that his spit was spraying on it.

 

It seems to me he began this fight on purpose. Needless to say, I packed my bags and stayed at a friends house that night (after he took my key and tried to force me to stay I escaped the house through the laundry door) and when he tried to call me in the morning I just texted him (Because I am TIRED of talking to him. His logic is very twisted.) that I wanted him out of my life. I have realised that I cannot, nor do I wish to put up with this any longer. I have asked him multiple times to seek counselling for his trust issues and alcohol/drug issues and he refused. I now really want to leave and never go back. I am afraid if I go back I will be trapped baby-sitting a bitter alcoholic man baby for years and years. Am I right to feel this way?

 

He clearly doesn't want to change his ways. Make like Forrest and Run.

[d0nnivain]

The minute he threw that bottle, it would have been over for me, with no looking back. You can't stay in a dangerous abusive situation. The violence is escalating. What if he doesn't miss next time?

 

If you are less convinced, before you go back to him go to an Al-Anon meeting. It's a support group for people who love people who are addicted, mostly to alcohol. There are Narc-Anon meetings if the loved one is addicted to drugs.

[Diezel]

Um, yes... yes you were.

 

The ex probably knew better, too, and exited... stage left.

You do the same.

[ExpatInItaly]

This man is an abuser, alcoholic and criminal (he assaulted you, more than once)

 

I'm not sure why you're questioning your decision to leave him in the dust. He in no way is a healthy and loving influence in your life. Stay away and never speak to him again. That violence will eventually get to the point where the damage is irreversible.

[Wearyone]

I am not really questioning my decision as much as needing support to make sure I get rid of him for good this time. Although I know I want out, he can be very convincing and I do not want him to come back and start stalking me or something. Sociopaths are good at making you think you are the one in the wrong, because other wise they wouldn't have anybody at all in their lives. He has perfected his lies to an art, so much so that tragically, he believes them himself.

 

Anyway I just need a kind of "you go girl" push. Support if you will.

My self esteem is pretty crap at the moment after two years of being told what a slut and selfish cow I am, and being guilt tripped "look how I made dinner for you, and yet you won't do this, this and this, you are a pig."

Repetition kind of makes you numb so you just keep quiet and hope things will change. But of course, they never do.

 

I am planning to try to get a transfer to a different university as I am a student at the moment, and move to a different town as I really want a new start. I am adding him to my list of types of men to watch out for in future. I think I need to be single from now on, for a few years AT LEAST. Now that I am free I find myself coming out of a sort of sleep and being myself again. For example, he didn't like it when I would sing around the house. And that all my ideas were weird (I am an artist and writer) and that feminism was "stupid" ( I call myself one and yet look who I was with!!!) You lose yourself a bit when someone else had control of your self worth.

NEVER. AGAIN.

[Arieswoman]

Wearyone,

As soon as I read this,

 

He would start random fights with me and others and accuse me of cheating on him with various friends of his whom I do not even know that well, or of just cheating in general. I have done no such thing. The longer I knew him, the more apparent his drinking problem became. I also noticed that he would constantly refer to his ex as "a slut" and that he was extremely unpleasant about her. Claiming she had cheated.

 

I could see you were in an abusive relationship.

 

You've got out of it, now stay out and keep away from him.

 

Moving to a new area is a very good idea. So is concentrating on your studies, for now.

 

Good luck.

[David87]

You made the right decision, he has issues.

[d0nnivain]

If you need support go to an Al Anon meeting. They aren't about preserving your relationship with an alcoholic. They can give you the strength to walk away.

 

Get some therapy to rebuild your self esteem but remember this: whatever he said to you, it was the booze talking & none of it was true.

[Wearyone]

I feel sick today. I actually stayed as long as I did because I thought that too. That it was just the alcohol talking. But then I realised it wasn't.

 

When I thought about his lack of ability to say sorry to me after calling me horrible names and his attempts to blame me for everything as well as the constant subtle put-downs I realised that everything he said when he was drunk is the true, ugly person he is amplified as though through a speaker. I have made a mental list of all the things I put up with. If I remember them and get some therapy to change the type of person I let into my life I will never have to go through it again.

 

I haven't even mentioned the worst parts.

I feel psychically sick when I realise how blind I was and the things I let him do and say repeatedly. Sick to my stomach.

Edited October 4, 2014 by Wearyone

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to continue to beat yourself up about this. You tried to give someone the benefit of the doubt. You saw the best in someone. Turns out he wasn't worry of your kindness but live & learn.

[Downtown]

Sociopaths are good at making you think you are the one in the wrong, because other wise they wouldn't have anybody at all in their lives. He has perfected his lies to an art, so much so that tragically, he believes them himself.

Wearyone, perhaps your Ex is a sociopath. That is not what you're describing, however. Rather, you're describing behavioral traits that are far closer to the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Because a BPDer is unable to regulate his own emotions, he frequently experiences feelings so intense that they distort his perception of your intentions and motivations.

 

Moreover, because a BPDer is filled with self loathing and shame, his subconscious protects his fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It accomplishes this by projecting his painful feelings and bad thoughts onto his partner, i.e., onto YOU. Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, he will truly believe that you are the cause of the painful feelings and bad thoughts.

 

This is why a BPDer generally believes the outrageous allegations coming out of his mouth. And, a week later when he is claiming the exact opposite, he likely will believe that allegation too. As you say about your Ex's many false allegations, "he believes them himself."

 

The result of all these thought distortions (caused by intense feelings) is that a BPDer is incapable of trusting anyone for an extended period. It therefore is not surprising that, if he is a BPDer, you "have asked him multiple times to seek counseling for his trust issues...." Nor is it surprising that you say "His grip on reality was questionable at best." As I noted above, the intense feelings severely distort the BPDer's perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. A BPDer nonetheless will see physical reality just fine. That is, unlike a person who is psychotic or crazy, a BPDer does not believe that the planes flying overhead are spying on him or that the TV news announcer is speaking to him personally.

 

if I go back I will be trapped baby-sitting a bitter alcoholic man baby for years and years. Am I right to feel this way?

If your Ex is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), your "baby sitting" remark is closer to the truth than you realize. BPDers typically have the emotional development of a 3 or 4 year old child because -- due to heredity and a childhood trauma -- that development became frozen at a very young age. They therefore are fully reliant on the primitive ego defenses that are available to young children. These defenses include those you have been describing: projection, black-white thinking, denial, and temper tantrums (starting in seconds and typically lasting 4 or 5 hours).

 

Significantly, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal and physical abuse, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control (e.g., alcohol abuse), self loathing, irrational jealousy (i.e., strong fear of abandonment), black-white thinking, paranoia, child-like behavior, and always being "The Victim" (blaming every misfortune on you) -- are classic traits of BPD.

 

He has very pronounced mood swings, and one minute would be nice, the next he would be silent in a way that could only be described as sullen, and brooding constantly.

The most common causes of mood swings are hormone changes (e.g., puberty) and drug abuse. If those can be ruled out as causes, the two remaining common causes of mood changes are bipolar disorder and BPD. Significantly, you do not seem to be describing a hormone change or the warning signs for bipolar. If those factors can be ruled out, the remaining issue is whether strong BPD traits (such as lack of impulse control) are causing the alcohol abuse or, conversely, the alcohol abuse is causing the appearance of strong BPD traits.

 

[i thought] that it was just the alcohol talking. But then I realised it wasn't.

To determine which of the factors is the cause and which is the effect (i.e., BPD or the drug abuse), a therapist typically will wait until the abuse of drugs ends before making a definitive diagnosis. If that is not feasible, a therapist will consider the person's behavior before the drug abuse began -- and look at his childhood to see if there is any evidence of abandonment or parental abuse. About 70% of BPDers report that they had been abandoned or abused in childhood. Moreover, if the person has full-blown BPD, the dysfunctional behaviors typically starts appearing with the onset of puberty.

 

I realised that everything he said when he was drunk is the true, ugly person he is amplified as though through a speaker.

Although that could be true of a sociopath or narcissist, it would not be true of a BPDer. As I discussed above, a BPDer has a distorted view of your intentions both when he is splitting you white (as during infatuation) and when splitting you black. Hence, while he is splitting you black, he is NOT revealing an amplified version of what he normally thinks about you. Instead, he is only revealing the distorted perception he has of you at that moment in time. Later, when he gains access to his loving feelings and splits off his feelings of hatred, he will have a very different perception of you. Consequently, BPDers are NOT "ugly people." Their problem is not being "ugly" but, rather, being emotionally unstable and immature.

 

If I remember them and get some therapy to change the type of person I let into my life I will never have to go through it again.

Yes, it would be prudent to see a psychologist to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you were dealing with -- and why you tolerated it for nearly two years. Moreover, to protect yourself and avoid repeating this toxic relationship with another man, I suggest you read about the warning signs for BPD, narcissism, and sociopathy while you are waiting for an appointment. It is not difficult to spot the red flags -- once you know what signs to look for -- because there is nothing subtle about behavioral traits such as verbal abuse, irrational jealousy, and rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde.

 

An easy place to start reading is my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those warning signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my post in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Wearyone.

[mightycpa]

Long story short, you're out. Stay out. Be finished with this. Your story reads like a typical wife of an alcoholic story. Imagine him with your kids.

 

You were so right. Run. Don't look back.

[Wearyone]

Downtown I would just like to thank you for your answer, which had been very helpful to me. You are correct, he does show many of the traits you spoke about. I may even recommend this post to him so that he might read it and not put some other girl through this crap in future.

[Poppyolive]

You definitely did the right thing. You lost self esteem and no doubt this wore you down... But it stops here. You will be OK. Give it time. Completely shut him out. No replying, block everywhere.

 

I went through something similar, me five years. He bigger me for months after, I eventually blocked him everywhere.

 

Go check out sober recovery forums and go to alnon.