Why do we change/work on ourselves after break ups?

[Ecko08]

I've always wondered this because I did it almost 9 years ago after a break up and now have the urge to do it again. People start exercising and working out, change their appearance, maybe a new tattoo/piercing, stuff like that. Why is it that we do this? My first go around I had the mind set "pfffft I'll get all ripped and look good to make her jealous and rub it in her face". I was about 19/20 then. I'll be 29 next month and I started going to the gym because a) there's nothing else to do and I'm bored because I live on a couch and don't have a home b) I'm sick and need to stop smoking c) I don't want to drink (yea, I'm a drunk but have been doing relatively well even before the break up and since) d) I have a bad knee and need to exercise it anyway.

 

But so many times I see or hear of people dramatically changing themselves after a split. Is it an expression of newfound freedom? Is it to elicit jealousy? Is it to distract the mind from the pain?

[mightycpa]

For me, two reasons:

 

#1 - I saw something in the one I lost that I liked, and wanted for myself

 

#2 - I took a good honest look at myself, and saw things I didn't like

[loversquarrel]

I think people who ifdentify themselves with a relationship are the ones who try to drastically change themselves because the pain is to great to remain what they previously identified with. People with unresolved emotional issues have a tendency to look to others to fulfill their needs, something they can identify with.

 

I also think people who have time on their hands they didn't have before will try to fill the void by improving on themselves. This may come in the form of exercising, hobbies, etc. There is a difference between improvement and drastic change.

[Arieswoman]

For me (not in any particular order) ;-

 

1. Because I had spent 8 years of my life putting someone else first and I wanted to indulge ME for a change. (New clothes/hair/makeup etc)

2. Because I wanted to use the time that I used to give to the marriage with something productive that was good for ME (gym membership)

3. Because I wanted to get involved with activities I didn't have time for before (night-school classes in languages)

4. Because I wasn't going to let his bad behaviour grind me down, destroy my self-esteem and turn me into an introvert

5. Because I wasn't going to be that super-nice girl-that-got-walked-on anymore (assertiveness training)

6. Because I wanted a new direction in life, and not just following someone else (counselling)

[mav3rik]

I think people who ifdentify themselves with a relationship are the ones who try to drastically change themselves because the pain is to great to remain what they previously identified with. People with unresolved emotional issues have a tendency to look to others to fulfill their needs, something they can identify with.

 

I also think people who have time on their hands they didn't have before will try to fill the void by improving on themselves. This may come in the form of exercising, hobbies, etc. There is a difference between improvement and drastic change.

 

This is true, I have motorcycle that I used to ride everyday. Now, I'm almost always on my mountain bike. I go to gym as well, so you can say I am almost getting ripped. I disappeared from FB but I still hangout with closest buddies. Getting a new tattoo next month as well.

 

And all these is because a:) I don't drink as much as i used to b:) I want to look different. It kinda feels like I have a new identity. When I look at the mirror I feel totally different. I don't see the guy that was dumped.

[Chi townD]

I think the reason why it's important to make positive changes after a break up, is to help us heal faster after we've been dumped.

 

 

After a break up, our self esteem, self worth and self confidence are in the toilet. And we're stuck asking ourselves questions like, why wasn't I good enough? What did I do wrong? How come he/she lost attraction for me? You know, some really hard questions that put us in some pretty dark places.

 

 

We make positive changes to turn all of that around. We change our hairstyles and wardrobe. We want people saying that we look good because that will help your self esteem. We go to the gym to work off the stress and frustrations we're having. Plus, we're working on that hot bod that people are going to notice and that's going to help with the self esteem and self confidence.

 

 

We pick up new hobbies that are going to occupy our time, so we don't drift back to thinking about our Ex's. We join clubs and meet new people. These people will think we are fun and engaging and are happy to include us with what they are doing.

 

 

Then we travel. We visit places that take us out of the norm. There will be less things that this new location that will trigger thoughts of our Ex's. We find that we're able to enjoy ourselves and find the time to decompress and re-energize.

 

 

Make sense?

[me85]

Because we want to feel better about ourselves. Plain and simple. After BUs we feel like such failures. Such losers. Like any other thing in life that gets you down, you eventually get tired of hurting and start pursuing ways to make the hurt go away.

 

It's the human condition. I never jump right into the whole "do better, live better" thing until I have already allowed myself to grieve properly. That really is important. Because guess what? No matter how deep you bury a bomb, or how far you throw it, it's still going to explode!

 

It took me like 6 months to really start feeling positive and having that good mindset again about wanting to change and be better.

[krooton25]

to boost up our self esteem!

 

But i wonder why some people do NOTHING after a break up and instead get fat and too comfortable while others become really really good version of themselves.