Why do dumpers not express their feelings sooner?

[Panatana90]

This is something that has been bugging me since my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me out the blue.

Despite being in a bit of a rut in the relationship, things still seemed fine to me and any problems (and there wasn't many at all) would have been very fixable.

 

But why do some dumpers just spring a break-up out of the blue? If they are having doubts about a relationship, why not talk it over and try to work at it? If that doesn't work and they still feel the same way, then at least you can both say you tried.

Am I right in thinking that by not doing this, the dumper is being a bit disrespectful over something you have both put a lot of time/love/effort into?

[zen2475]

I think in a good, healthy relationship, both parties express their concerns with their partner in an effort to communicate and work things out. You deserve to have someone who will value you and your relationship enough to really communicate, and for that reason your ex isn't the right person for you.

[amaysngrace]

If you call it a rut she probably saw it as much much worse.

 

Did you ever address being in a rut in your relationship and express to her how it was making you feel and what you both could do about fixing it?

 

If not you weren't as invested as you think.

[Ordinaryday]

they often do in indirect ways which you can usually pick up in hindsight.

 

one girl who dumped me, in the weeks before she dumped me she took ages to respond to my text messages (she never had before) and was all distant and seemed a lot sadder than she normally was. I realised it was because she was weighing up whether to dump me/how to dump me/etc.

 

they usually leave hints and you can pick up on them, a lot of them are too cowardly to be direct.

[Panatana90]

they often do in indirect ways which you can usually pick up in hindsight.

 

one girl who dumped me, in the weeks before she dumped me she took ages to respond to my text messages (she never had before) and was all distant and seemed a lot sadder than she normally was. I realised it was because she was weighing up whether to dump me/how to dump me/etc.

 

they usually leave hints and you can pick up on them, a lot of them are too cowardly to be direct.

 

Yeah I know what you mean about hindsight, but at the same time I feel if they were willing to give up a great relationship, then why waste your energy trying to figure out why?

[Ordinaryday]

Yeah I know what you mean about hindsight, but at the same time I feel if they were willing to give up a great relationship, then why waste your energy trying to figure out why?

 

because they don't see it as a 'great' relationship. they probably figure they can do 'better' than you, or you have too many dealbreakers. this may or may not be true but it is how they see it.

 

when they dump me I am done. dont settle for being 'just friends' with them

[Boomshine]

This is something that has been bugging me since my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me out the blue.

Despite being in a bit of a rut in the relationship, things still seemed fine to me and any problems (and there wasn't many at all) would have been very fixable.

 

But why do some dumpers just spring a break-up out of the blue? If they are having doubts about a relationship, why not talk it over and try to work at it? If that doesn't work and they still feel the same way, then at least you can both say you tried.

Am I right in thinking that by not doing this, the dumper is being a bit disrespectful over something you have both put a lot of time/love/effort into?

 

I'm not going to say you're neither right nor wrong. If someone looks at things in a logical standpoint, which you clearly do (as do I as well), then what you say makes sense. The issue is that her breaking up with you isn't a thought - it's a feeling. There's no rationale behind feelings. Rationalization occurs AFTER the feelings do.

 

Also, although it may have been out of the blue for you, I'm willing to bet that was not the case for her. If she did not have a singular act causing her to want to break up (such as cheating, etc), then this is something they've come to terms with over time. My girlfriend broke up with me April 2012. But she told me she'd been having these feelings slowly building since around the September prior. In every "case study" I've read about or witnessed, the same has been true every single time.

 

Essentially, in her mind, her sticking around for as long as she did after these feelings first came to be (which at that time, were surely very small - as I said before, the certainty of the feeling is something that builds over time) WAS her trying to give things another shot.

 

But for whatever reason, she chose not to express those feelings to you until she was absolutely certain. And the potential reason could be one (or multiple) of many things:

- She was unsure at the time she first felt it, and didn't want to express it. If time proved it to be a fleeting thought, she didn't want to give you reason to worry in the future as your relationship continued.

- She wanted certainty of the situation, as in the beginning, the feeling was small and insignificant, and only grew over time.

- She didn't want to go through the drama of you trying to fight for her and pity her into something she wasn't 100% on-board with.

- She was seeking to validate her own feelings without any sort of outside influence.

- Her consumption of the media's idea of love has got her lost in a Hollywood dream vs reality, and she needs to wake up to realize that life is not scripted and perfect like we hear/see in music, movies, and TV shows.

- Many other potential reasons that I haven't listed already.

 

Regardless of what the reasoning may be, the take-away here is that, unless you did something she deemed entirely unforgivable, then this is something she's been sitting on for a while now. From what I've witnessed thus far, the average seems to be about six months from the feeling's inception to culmination.

 

I don't blame you for being blind to the situation. Most people typically are. I know for many years, I was unaware of the signs to look for as well. And it's only recently that I've become more attuned to recognizing them as they occur. But until you know what to look for, it's impossible to spot the signs.

 

In your shoes, I wouldn't blame her for being "weak" in that regard. We're all human, and we all have our flaws. Pobody's nerfect. (Metalocalypse reference!) Plus, it's never EVER easy to hurt those whom we care about and have only treated us like royalty. When you have someone in your life whom you care about so intensely, you never want to do anything to intentionally hurt them. So the suffering builds and builds on that person's end until they make the decision to finally look out for #1.

 

Especially because, what if what she was feeling was merely a mistake? How would she ever live with herself making such a critical error and spurning you entirely?

 

Putting ourselves in the shoes of someone we used to be involved with is such a difficult issue, especially because it's difficult to be objective when you're so involved in the situation. But when you can truly do that, you'll be able to gain a level of understanding, empathy, and coping that others call a "pipe dream".

 

It's a s***ty situation, mate. After everything I've said, I still fully sympathize with you. I wish society was one where we COULD express what we're feeling with no hesitation. Unfortunately, logic and emotion just simply don;t go hand-in-hand as some might prefer.

 

I hope this has been beneficial to you, and I'd be glad to elaborate further on anything I've said if needed.

[Panatana90]

because they don't see it as a 'great' relationship. they probably figure they can do 'better' than you, or you have too many dealbreakers. this may or may not be true but it is how they see it.

 

when they dump me I am done. dont settle for being 'just friends' with them

 

I agree. For me, the whole "being friends" thing simply doesn't work. There's just too much history there.

We have each broke NC once in the four months since we've split. I did it last, and despite it being for a friendly reason (family-related) I took no satisfaction from it.

[Boomshine]

Yeah I know what you mean about hindsight, but at the same time I feel if they were willing to give up a great relationship, then why waste your energy trying to figure out why?

 

If the person wasting their energy trying to figure out why is the dumper, then refer to my post I just made. The uncertainty behind feelings is real.

 

If the person wasting their energy trying to figure out why is the dumpee, then ask yourself that very same question, and see why YOU feel the way you do. Emotional intelligence, as valuable as it is, is unfortunately too rare in our current day and age. Even if it were to become commonplace, it would still retain value. But unfortunately, too many people are not willing to dig to that extent and admit fault on their own behalf.

[Panatana90]

I'm not going to say you're neither right nor wrong. If someone looks at things in a logical standpoint, which you clearly do (as do I as well), then what you say makes sense. The issue is that her breaking up with you isn't a thought - it's a feeling. There's no rationale behind feelings. Rationalization occurs AFTER the feelings do.

 

Also, although it may have been out of the blue for you, I'm willing to bet that was not the case for her. If she did not have a singular act causing her to want to break up (such as cheating, etc), then this is something they've come to terms with over time. My girlfriend broke up with me April 2012. But she told me she'd been having these feelings slowly building since around the September prior. In every "case study" I've read about or witnessed, the same has been true every single time.

 

Essentially, in her mind, her sticking around for as long as she did after these feelings first came to be (which at that time, were surely very small - as I said before, the certainty of the feeling is something that builds over time) WAS her trying to give things another shot.

 

But for whatever reason, she chose not to express those feelings to you until she was absolutely certain. And the potential reason could be one (or multiple) of many things:

- She was unsure at the time she first felt it, and didn't want to express it. If time proved it to be a fleeting thought, she didn't want to give you reason to worry in the future as your relationship continued.

- She wanted certainty of the situation, as in the beginning, the feeling was small and insignificant, and only grew over time.

- She didn't want to go through the drama of you trying to fight for her and pity her into something she wasn't 100% on-board with.

- She was seeking to validate her own feelings without any sort of outside influence.

- Her consumption of the media's idea of love has got her lost in a Hollywood dream vs reality, and she needs to wake up to realize that life is not scripted and perfect like we hear/see in music, movies, and TV shows.

- Many other potential reasons that I haven't listed already.

 

Regardless of what the reasoning may be, the take-away here is that, unless you did something she deemed entirely unforgivable, then this is something she's been sitting on for a while now. From what I've witnessed thus far, the average seems to be about six months from the feeling's inception to culmination.

 

I don't blame you for being blind to the situation. Most people typically are. I know for many years, I was unaware of the signs to look for as well. And it's only recently that I've become more attuned to recognizing them as they occur. But until you know what to look for, it's impossible to spot the signs.

 

In your shoes, I wouldn't blame her for being "weak" in that regard. We're all human, and we all have our flaws. Pobody's nerfect. (Metalocalypse reference!) Plus, it's never EVER easy to hurt those whom we care about and have only treated us like royalty. When you have someone in your life whom you care about so intensely, you never want to do anything to intentionally hurt them. So the suffering builds and builds on that person's end until they make the decision to finally look out for #1.

 

Especially because, what if what she was feeling was merely a mistake? How would she ever live with herself making such a critical error and spurning you entirely?

 

Putting ourselves in the shoes of someone we used to be involved with is such a difficult issue, especially because it's difficult to be objective when you're so involved in the situation. But when you can truly do that, you'll be able to gain a level of understanding, empathy, and coping that others call a "pipe dream".

 

It's a s***ty situation, mate. After everything I've said, I still fully sympathize with you. I wish society was one where we COULD express what we're feeling with no hesitation. Unfortunately, logic and emotion just simply don;t go hand-in-hand as some might prefer.

 

I hope this has been beneficial to you, and I'd be glad to elaborate further on anything I've said if needed.

 

Wow, great stuff man. I definitely see the points you are trying to make. And knowing my ex the way I do, it was something that built over time in her head as she told me the doubts started "a few months" prior to break-up, but only became "really intense" in the few weeks leading up to the dumping.

I get that she probably didn't want to say something early maybe because she hoped they would just go away. For example, I had a few doubts about the relationship over the years, but they never lasted long because I knew I did love her. She didn't want to hurt me or even worry me. But just springing it out of nowhere for me, was probably worse in the end.

 

Just another question - I (like many people who get their heart broken) go through a period of beating themselves up over the relationship and even blamed myself in some ways for the relationship's demise.

 

For example, a few months prior to break-up, I went through a really tough time with anxiety and hypochondria that lasted maybe a few weeks, if that. I even doubted my own love for her and told her this (cos of anxiety) but she dismissed it as me being my usual 'dramatic' self and that all faded and everything returned to normal. I knew this bugged my gf and I just hope it didn't have an impact on her decision. I cringe now at all the crap I went through and look back on how I acted with embarrassment. Deep down, I think she knows that isn't what I'm really like, and as I said, things did return to our normal relationship (at least in my eyes).

 

She did tell me that it was nothing I done that made her break up with me. She even said she "wished" it was, because it would make her feel less guilty. Tbh, I don't know whether to believe that or if she was trying to spare my feelings. Maybe she just fell out of love with me. I got a very, very strange like - let me know what you think of this. She said she was worried I would propose to her, because she wasn't sure if she would say yes or not. Honestly, I had no real plans to ask her to marry me any time soon. She also said that breaking up with me "could be the biggest mistake" she'll ever make. If you have any thoughts on this, let me know man!

[mightycpa]

Sorry boys, but this is all wrong. There are two reasons the dumper doesn't share, and it depends on why they are dumping you:

 

1) Something is going on in your life: For the dumper who has just met your replacement, the time to bail is generally RIGHT NOW. But sometimes, life gets in the way, and as a courtesy to you they hold off before dropping the bomb. You might have exams, a birthday, a long-planned trip, a dying mother, whatever. But as soon as the obstacle removes itself, you're done. By the way, notice how I didn't include holidays. That's because you'll be with family, and that is a great place to drop you off. Thanksgiving and Christmas are prime dumping holidays.

 

2) When it has everything to do with you, and another person is not in the picture, it is different. They are in doubt. The feelings are unwelcome, and they think that if they stick it out, the feelings will subside and go away. As the feeling becomes stronger, a lot of dumpers will ratchet up their protestations of love. They actually do the work to become closer to you, and to fight off this growing feeling of detachment. This is how you know that the relationship actually meant something to them; this is your only evidence of the struggle they went through. Of course, it doesn't work, and may even accelerate the end, because their words are not in concert with their feelings. Sometimes, that's when they will leave you. But usually, when their feelings for you leave, there is a vacuum that needs to be filled. The culmination of their detachment from you is when someone new piques their interest. When that happens, see #1.

[ja123]

If the person wasting their energy trying to figure out why is the dumper, then refer to my post I just made. The uncertainty behind feelings is real.

 

If the person wasting their energy trying to figure out why is the dumpee, then ask yourself that very same question, and see why YOU feel the way you do. Emotional intelligence, as valuable as it is, is unfortunately too rare in our current day and age. Even if it were to become commonplace, it would still retain value. But unfortunately, too many people are not willing to dig to that extent and admit fault on their own behalf.

 

 

 

Boomshine - your post No7 is brilliant. I can't say that I've read something as well put.

 

 

Would you mind elaborating or re-wording the above post, though? Admittedly, I haven't had my morning coffee, but I'd like to consider more about what you said.

 

 

Thanks!

[mightycpa]

I'm not going to say you're neither right nor wrong.

 

I missed this one (#7). Pretty much what I think.

[CT98]

The annoying thing for me is that I did see it coming, but didn't do anything to try and help the situation. I think because I didn't want to come across as insecure or 'plant any ideas in her head'.

 

Strange thing is about 2 weeks prior to the break up I came out with 'maybe we should just end it' I didn't mean it, I was just annoyed with the current situation, she started crying, told me no she didn't want that and we had a big hert to heart. Then one week later, poof, she's dumped me. I really don't understand relationships.

Edited September 18, 2014 by CT98

[mightycpa]

Strange thing is about 2 weeks prior to the break up I came out with 'maybe we should just end it' I didn't mean it, I was just annoyed with the current situation, she started crying, told me no she didn't want that and we had a big hert to heart. Then one week later, poof, she's dumped me. I really don't understand relationships.

 

Think about it this way - she was fighting this internally, and you bailed out loud. You gave her permission to give in to her feelings, and a week later, she took you up on your offer.

 

Comfort yourself with the knowledge that you couldn't have done anything. You were on a slow boat to Splitsville, and all you did was get yourselves their earlier. There was no thought to plant, no idea that would turn her around. The heart wants what the heart wants, and it doesn't want what it doesn't want.

 

If you could just turn it on and off at will, this forum wouldn't exist as it is.

[tim_tom]

Strange thing is about 2 weeks prior to the break up I came out with 'maybe we should just end it' I didn't mean it, I was just annoyed with the current situation, she started crying, told me no she didn't want that and we had a big hert to heart. Then one week later, poof, she's dumped me. I really don't understand relationships.

 

 

Same thing happened to me, exactly. When I told her she was unhappy and should leave I got the same reaction, and I meant it. Maybe part of me was trying to do the yin and yang thing, but I was really done at that point and even began telling friends I needed to end it.

 

Of course, almost 2 weeks later when she actually left I felt awful and regretted what I did. But thinking back to my headspace at that time, I wasn't happy, I was sick of her complaining and wanted to be done with it

[dumbass2]

Same thing happened to me, exactly. When I told her she was unhappy and should leave I got the same reaction, and I meant it. Maybe part of me was trying to do the yin and yang thing, but I was really done at that point and even began telling friends I needed to end it.

 

Of course, almost 2 weeks later when she actually left I felt awful and regretted what I did. But thinking back to my headspace at that time, I wasn't happy, I was sick of her complaining and wanted to be done with it

 

Sounds like me too. The relationship was not healthy and I had started giving up and caring less the last month about issues and all her drama and we didn't talk. I think I had convinced myself that it was just a matter of time and one of us would end it. She did and I took it well and didn't fight. Bottom line is that I realize that I knew back then it never would have work with this woman. I don't feel like a dumpee most of the time now, at times I feel like the dumper, but i still went through a lot of mixed emotions. It was still very difficult.

Edited September 18, 2014 by dumbass2

[Boomshine]

Just another question - I (like many people who get their heart broken) go through a period of beating themselves up over the relationship and even blamed myself in some ways for the relationship's demise.

 

For example, a few months prior to break-up, I went through a really tough time with anxiety and hypochondria that lasted maybe a few weeks, if that. I even doubted my own love for her and told her this (cos of anxiety) but she dismissed it as me being my usual 'dramatic' self and that all faded and everything returned to normal. I knew this bugged my gf and I just hope it didn't have an impact on her decision. I cringe now at all the crap I went through and look back on how I acted with embarrassment. Deep down, I think she knows that isn't what I'm really like, and as I said, things did return to our normal relationship (at least in my eyes).

 

She did tell me that it was nothing I done that made her break up with me. She even said she "wished" it was, because it would make her feel less guilty. Tbh, I don't know whether to believe that or if she was trying to spare my feelings. Maybe she just fell out of love with me. I got a very, very strange like - let me know what you think of this. She said she was worried I would propose to her, because she wasn't sure if she would say yes or not. Honestly, I had no real plans to ask her to marry me any time soon. She also said that breaking up with me "could be the biggest mistake" she'll ever make. If you have any thoughts on this, let me know man!

 

I'd say that beating yourself up is completely normal. A breakup should be TWO things for everyone in existence: Reflecting so as to make yourself a better person, and coping through the pain until you come out on the other side.

 

"Beating yourself up" is the reflection period. You're looking back, seeing what mistakes you've made from the past, attaching a sensation of pain to them, and hopefully because of that pain, never repeating those mistakes. That's learning from your mistakes. That's making yourself better. That's growing!

 

I'm not going to guarantee that you did something wrong during your relationship. But the odds are high that there are things that could have been done better by both parties. Hopefully, you're both utilizing this time to learn and make things better, for yourself, and for whatever path future relationships take you down.

 

I guarantee she does feel guilty. She had to break your heart, and like I said before, that's NOT an easy thing to do unless you did something terrible like cheating. Or kicking a puppy. She DOES feel bad for it. I will absolutely guarantee she cares about you. And it's NEVER a good feeling to break the heart of someone you care about. If only you'd been a filthy cheater though, because then she wouldn't care about you anymore, and kicking you to the curb would be easier than slicing a hot knife through soft butter. She wouldn't feel guilt, because you'd be scum. Although she's phrasing it in a VERY poor way, the subtext of what she's saying is, "I DO care about you, and this was not in any way an easy decision for me to make. I'm very sorry this is the decision I've had to make, but unfortunately, I don't believe I can be the person you want me to be with where I'm at in my life."

 

And it's all about how she feels in this current moment. Nobody has a single clue what they'll be feeling 1 month, 6 months, a year, 5 years from now... All we can do is speak for our feelings in the moment. Things may change, they may not. There's no certainty to it though, so she can't fully and honestly speak as to how she'll feel about you in the future. All that can be done is move forward with your own life, and if she has a change of heart, well... I'm sure she can find some way to get a hold of you again.

[Boomshine]

Boomshine - your post No7 is brilliant. I can't say that I've read something as well put.

 

 

Would you mind elaborating or re-wording the above post, though? Admittedly, I haven't had my morning coffee, but I'd like to consider more about what you said.

 

 

Thanks!

 

Cheers mate, glad you enjoyed it!

In regards to my other post, when Panatana posted:

Yeah I know what you mean about hindsight, but at the same time I feel if they were willing to give up a great relationship, then why waste your energy trying to figure out why?

 

I was confused with who he's saying was wasting their energy trying to figure out why. I BELIEVE he meant the dumper though, in which case, I refer back to my previous post, where I mention how we're not always 100% certain about our feelings. Many times, people can be on the fence about a particular issue, and the slightest breeze just BARELY tips them in one direction. They're not fully on board with that one belief, as there's still many selling points to the other side as well.

 

For example, if someone were to come up to me right now, and offer me an INCREDIBLE amount of money for the rest of my life to pursue one of my passions, and gave me the choice of being either a professional soccer player or being in a band which would see success to the likes of Muse, I wouldn't be able to come to an immediate decision. And when I did come to the decision, I'd always wonder what would happen if I'd gone with the other choice. There's selling points to both, and I'm very passionate about soccer and music.

 

People doubt themselves constantly, wondering if they're doing the right thing or not. Very few possess the conviction to always make a decision, stick with it and see it through, and NEVER look back. For the rest of us, there's always the wonder of "What if?", "Did I actually make the correct choice?", or whatever second-guesses and doubts we may feel throughout the process.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Don't underestimate the power of denial. Many people, especially people with poor emotional awareness (like me!) spend a lot of time second-guessing their feelings. They try to talk themselves into believing that things are okay. This is very easy to do in a relationship where one partner is very deeply in love and the other isn't. The less attached partner may wonder why his/her feelings aren't stronger, and feel like an ******* for wanting to dump the other person. But eventually, something happens and they can't deny it anymore, and that's it. They're done. What seems like a sudden catastrophe to the dumpee may be the steadily building force of extreme denial.

[Magnet]

"I DO care about you, and this was not in any way an easy decision for me to make. I'm very sorry this is the decision I've had to make, but unfortunately, I don't believe I can be the person you want me to be with where I'm at in my life.".

 

Boomshine, this was what my ex said to me, almost verbatim. Eerie, were you eavesdropping on our texts?!!

 

She also said: "who knows what will happen in the future- but I just know that I need to be myself, I need to be me."

I am trying hard not to think about the fact she probably has replaced me already if what CPA says is true. That thought really makes me feel mad.

 

I am moving from the beating myself up phase to the hating/ anger phase.

Starting to get fed up of beating myself up as I figure a lot of what I did wrong was borne out of frustration at a poor relationship.

I was feeling it myself too but promised I would never walk away from her. Why though.... I need to figure that out.

[Panatana90]

I'd say that beating yourself up is completely normal. A breakup should be TWO things for everyone in existence: Reflecting so as to make yourself a better person, and coping through the pain until you come out on the other side.

 

"Beating yourself up" is the reflection period. You're looking back, seeing what mistakes you've made from the past, attaching a sensation of pain to them, and hopefully because of that pain, never repeating those mistakes. That's learning from your mistakes. That's making yourself better. That's growing!

 

I'm not going to guarantee that you did something wrong during your relationship. But the odds are high that there are things that could have been done better by both parties. Hopefully, you're both utilizing this time to learn and make things better, for yourself, and for whatever path future relationships take you down.

 

I guarantee she does feel guilty. She had to break your heart, and like I said before, that's NOT an easy thing to do unless you did something terrible like cheating. Or kicking a puppy. She DOES feel bad for it. I will absolutely guarantee she cares about you. And it's NEVER a good feeling to break the heart of someone you care about. If only you'd been a filthy cheater though, because then she wouldn't care about you anymore, and kicking you to the curb would be easier than slicing a hot knife through soft butter. She wouldn't feel guilt, because you'd be scum. Although she's phrasing it in a VERY poor way, the subtext of what she's saying is, "I DO care about you, and this was not in any way an easy decision for me to make. I'm very sorry this is the decision I've had to make, but unfortunately, I don't believe I can be the person you want me to be with where I'm at in my life."

 

And it's all about how she feels in this current moment. Nobody has a single clue what they'll be feeling 1 month, 6 months, a year, 5 years from now... All we can do is speak for our feelings in the moment. Things may change, they may not. There's no certainty to it though, so she can't fully and honestly speak as to how she'll feel about you in the future. All that can be done is move forward with your own life, and if she has a change of heart, well... I'm sure she can find some way to get a hold of you again.

 

Thank you again for your input, Boomshine. I do have another question. Since we broke up, I have wrote out a long email to my ex about our relationship, my feelings and how much everything meant to me. It genuinely doesn't read as desperate in any way and is very heartfelt. I'll even compliment myself in saying that it is well written and would definitely tug at her emotional buttons and heart strings.

Should I send it? I have been thinking about it for ages but quite a few people have told me not to. We have each broke NC once since we broke up and I was the last to do it, and only a few days ago now. I have been told by friends that ANY contact now should be initiated by her, and her only.

I have NO expectations in getting her back through such an email/letter, it's just a lot of feelings that I think she should probably know about it. I don't ask her to get back together, either. What do you think?

[No Limit]

This isn't feelings. It just takes some time for their ego and boredom to develope great enough to take such steps like getting back in touch with someone you really wanted to get rid of.

[dumbass2]

Thank you again for your input, Boomshine. I do have another question. Since we broke up, I have wrote out a long email to my ex about our relationship, my feelings and how much everything meant to me. It genuinely doesn't read as desperate in any way and is very heartfelt. I'll even compliment myself in saying that it is well written and would definitely tug at her emotional buttons and heart strings.

Should I send it? I have been thinking about it for ages but quite a few people have told me not to. We have each broke NC once since we broke up and I was the last to do it, and only a few days ago now. I have been told by friends that ANY contact now should be initiated by her, and her only.

I have NO expectations in getting her back through such an email/letter, it's just a lot of feelings that I think she should probably know about it. I don't ask her to get back together, either. What do you think?

 

In the end you are going to do what you feel you need to do, BUT I will tell you from recent experience that the ABSOLUTE worst thing you could do right now is send any email/letter. I don't care what it says in it, it will come off as desperate because SHE DUMPED YOU! Please for the love of god, do not send it. It will not help anything right now. You're not thinking with a clear head so soon.

 

I wish I had never sent my email letter. Sent 1 month after the break up. It was way too soon to send anything and it is the biggest regret I have through the whole break up. If I felt I needed to send it again, I would send it now 5 months later, 60+ days of NC and it would not come close to saying what the original did.

 

Let things continue to progress naturally. Do not force the issue. Do not try to force her to try and feel the way you want her to. She broke up with you. She needs to be the one begging and pleading with you to make up and that she made a huge mistake. 60 days or so of NC may make her miss you and regret it. If that never happens, then it wasn't meant to be. Do not respond to bread crumbs. If she wants back make her work for it. I found that out the hard way and it made my 5 months a living hell. I did it all to myself. Please send the email to a friend. Store it away. Look at it again a month from now and see how you feel.

 

Best of luck

Edited September 19, 2014 by dumbass2

[Boomshine]

Thank you again for your input, Boomshine. I do have another question. Since we broke up, I have wrote out a long email to my ex about our relationship, my feelings and how much everything meant to me. It genuinely doesn't read as desperate in any way and is very heartfelt. I'll even compliment myself in saying that it is well written and would definitely tug at her emotional buttons and heart strings.

Should I send it? I have been thinking about it for ages but quite a few people have told me not to. We have each broke NC once since we broke up and I was the last to do it, and only a few days ago now. I have been told by friends that ANY contact now should be initiated by her, and her only.

I have NO expectations in getting her back through such an email/letter, it's just a lot of feelings that I think she should probably know about it. I don't ask her to get back together, either. What do you think?

 

Absolutely, it's my pleasure! In regards to the email, it's hard to say for certain without actually seeing it myself. But what I would say is this: Hold on to it until you get to that point of acceptance where you just don't care anymore. Then, you'll be able to look at it from a completely objective standpoint, and determine truly whether it's worth sending or not.

 

Plus, there's always the fact that everything you've written in this email about what you're feeling right now won't persist. A lot of those feelings may be moot in a few weeks or months. And anything you feel about this situation that would be fleeting like that isn't worth mentioning to her.

 

I know it's not exactly what you were hoping to hear, but I promise you, if you hold on to it for a while until you reach a sense of indifference about what's happened, you'll see everything much more clearly in regards to what to do, how to say whatever may need to be said, etc.

 

Although things are bad between you two right now, it doesn't have to be fixed ASAP. You can ALWAYS rectify the situation later. I would highly suggest you save it. Go back to that email one month from today, and see how different you feel in comparison. Then you'll see what I mean.