hockeydan Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Hi guys. A quick summary of my relationship before I go into my question. 3 year relationship with my best friend and the girl I was sure I was going to marry. She (26F) dumped me (30M) about 2.5 months back, GIGSish type situation (I love you, but not in love with you). I have been 100% NC for 3 weeks after I moved my things out of our apartment and moved back to my hometown. She is completely blocked on everything except texts/phone calls. I would consider reconciliation with her in the future if she finds the grass is not greener, but only if I am available as I am moving on without her. I found out through a mutual friend today that her father passed away from a disease he has been fighting for years. It always took a toll on her, and I was always there for her as she struggled through the slow loss of her father. I do love her family and have spent family holidays with them in the past and the news of his passing has definitely been hard on me. So to get to the question, I would like to stick to NC as much as possible and I don't think I am going to reach out to her and offer my condolences. Is this the right move, or is this such a situation where I break NC? I am also curious how to approach any sort of contact from her end. While, I would usually ignore anything other than "I want you back," I feel that this might be a special circumstance where I offer a limited emotional crutch during a very difficult time, but I also don't want to be used as just a crutch for a short time and then tossed away again. What do I do if she contacts me to talk about this? Link to post Share on other sites
Ordinaryday Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I gotta be honest with you dude, it sounds like you are just inventing reasons for why you 'have' to contact her. when she dumped you she effectively said that she does not want or need your support or love in her life anymore. that includes ALL OCCASIONS, including deaths in the family. it is not your job to 'be there' for her anymore, thats the job of her new boyfriend. so no, dont do anything, believe me she is not expecting or wanting to hear from you. and IF (a huge if, as the chances of this happening are ridiculously low) she reaches out to you for support or comfort text her back ONCE with "Im sorry to hear the news, and I hope you get better. but it is not appropriate for you to contact me for support in light of the fact that you dumped me" and then just ignore all other contact from her. there is nothing else you can do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Caring is caring. If you genuinely cared for the father and family, a card of condolence to the family (not just to her and not mailed to her) is appropriate. If the family requested donations to a particular organization in his memory, then go that route. No reason to contact her at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Feelbettersoon Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I would defiantly acknowledge it, think about if it happened to you? Would you want to know she is thinking of you during this hard time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hockeydan Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 I honestly do not want to break NC. I am 3 weeks and I sure as hell do not want to start over. With that said, I feel that maybe the mature thing to do is to pass along my condolences as they were always great to me and I really do love her family. This is what I think I am going to do: I am going to get a condolence card, address it to her whole family and send it to her mother's house. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JunkYardDog Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 NO contact means no contact bro. There are no asterisks. You owe her, her family, everything that has to do with her, nothing. That was all revoked when she threw you to the curb. Dont waste your time or feelings on it, move on and forget about her. Just remind yourself of the **** she put you through. She has her own family to console with and bereave. Read my story, DO NOT DO WHAT I DID after mine dumped me a week after my dad died last year. F those type of people and the horse they rode in on until the end of time. Respect yourself and dont let guilt get the best of you. It took me a LONG time with a hard road to get it but I do now. NC NC NC NC!!!!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 My grandmother died recently after suffering dementia for years. No exes have contacted me though. Why should a dumpee? Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I honestly do not want to break NC. I am 3 weeks and I sure as hell do not want to start over. With that said, I feel that maybe the mature thing to do is to pass along my condolences as they were always great to me and I really do love her family. This is what I think I am going to do: I am going to get a condolence card, address it to her whole family and send it to her mother's house. I think this is fine. You had some kind of relationship with him, and them. Think of it this way. If your ex was or married or otherwise completely unavailable to you, and then the dad died, would you send the family your condolences? I'm pretty sure you would. The unspoken message by addressing the family and sending it to the family home is that you are not reaching out to your ex. You are reaching out to the family you know. There is a big difference, and your ex will recognize that your note was NOT for her in particular. The only caution is keep it short and sweet and on topic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 My grandmother died recently after suffering dementia for years. No exes have contacted me though. Why should a dumpee? Sometimes it isn't about you. It is about empathy. Look I get NC but the extreme it gets thrown around is ridiculous. I very strongly dislike my ex-husband. Although I forgive him that doesn't make me a saint or mean that if he was standing on the side of road with a flat my steering wheel wouldn't momentarily become possessed and drift the car in his direction. With that said, if he lost one of his parents I would certainly send a card to the family. They are no longer in my life (another pill I had to swallow) but I also have lost a parent and it is a club I wish none of us had to join but the least we can do is acknowledge it. Now if someone is in such an emotional state that performing that simple task will lead them back to therapy, medication, no sleeping and endless crying then I certainly can understand the decision to not do so....most however are far enough in the healing process that one would have to ask did they simply not feel a connection with the family etc. or has bitterness and spite taken over. That of course all depends. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 In the end they don't want you and don't care enough. If you're doing NC right, you shouldn't know anyway., Sometimes it isn't about you. It is about empathy. Look I get NC but the extreme it gets thrown around is ridiculous. I very strongly dislike my ex-husband. Although I forgive him that doesn't make me a saint or mean that if he was standing on the side of road with a flat my steering wheel wouldn't momentarily become possessed and drift the car in his direction. With that said, if he lost one of his parents I would certainly send a card to the family. They are no longer in my life (another pill I had to swallow) but I also have lost a parent and it is a club I wish none of us had to join but the least we can do is acknowledge it. Now if someone is in such an emotional state that performing that simple task will lead them back to therapy, medication, no sleeping and endless crying then I certainly can understand the decision to not do so....most however are far enough in the healing process that one would have to ask did they simply not feel a connection with the family etc. or has bitterness and spite taken over. That of course all depends. Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 In the end they don't want you and don't care enough. If you're doing NC right, you shouldn't know anyway., Again, the NC rules. Look, it's a small world...local paper, social media, family connections....news travels and unless you move cross country, cut all ties and start a new life there is the chance you will hear this information. Trust me, I had ZERO contact when my ex abandoned me but damned if information hasn't managed to get back to me randomly over the past 5 years. As I said, if contacting will set someone back to hell then I understand them not reaching out..it is self preservation. That said I believe grace is something we need to show more of in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 OP could you handle getting no answer in return? Link to post Share on other sites
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