Your views on what happened

[newsingleton]

Hey Guys

 

 

I've been reading the board for a few weeks since my recent breakup and have got some fantastic advice from here. I thought it was about time I ran my scenario past you to get your views on what happened. Ok here goes (its hard to keep it short, I hope you understand):

 

 

My (now) ex fiancée and I got together when we were 18 (her) and 19 (me). We met during our part time university job and hit it off fairly quickly after having been friends for a while.

 

 

About 5-6 months in she broke up with me - she said we spent too much time together and she missed her family / friends...fast forward a few weeks and we're back together like nothing has ever happened (she came back looking for me).

 

 

Another year or so later, and we break up again, this time for a bit longer but for similar reasons. Again, a month passes and we're back together (again she initiated getting back together).

 

 

We got engaged in between both break ups (very very young) but agreed that we would wait until we felt ready and were financially secure enough to buy our own home / afford a good wedding.

 

 

In the intervening 6 years between the breakups and now, we had a strong relationship. Not a relationship without it's problems (she would often say I was jealous of other guys - more on that later) and we would sometimes have arguments where one or the other could huff for a couple of days. In the last few years this had very much eased off, I guess we were both just growing up and learning how to deal with any issues better.

 

 

We spent most weekends together and maybe a night during the week, gradually got better jobs, had similar interests and for the most part became two peas in a pod. Holidays with family / weekends away, integrated into each others family lives.

 

 

In 2012 we booked our wedding. All good. In 2013, the planning started in earnest. Again, all good. Honeymoon booked / house bought / dress bought, you name it, and 10 weeks ago, invitations sent out...........

 

 

The week or two before the invitations went out, I noticed a difference in her. A distance, a lack of interest, she seemed distracted and not herself.

 

 

I mentioned earlier other guys and I noticed that she and another guy had been texting a lot (she met him in work). At first I genuinely thought nothing of it but it got to be every night all night. Eventually the dreaded anxiety and knots in my stomach set in, and I asked her about it. I got little back (unlike her) and alarm bells went off.

 

 

Another week or two went by, during which time I blamed myself (and she also blamed me) for being paranoid about the male friend. There had been another male friend in the past who eventually had professed his desire for her after similar texting / interest etc.

 

 

About 7 weeks ago I told her I couldn't take any more and confronted her about her distant behaviour. It took about two hours, but finally she confessed that she had strong reservations about getting married. She noted the following:

 

 

1) What if there are other people out there that make us happier?

2) Do we make each other laugh enough? Do we help each other enough? What if other people do that better?

3) She wished she had dated more when younger so that she appreciated us better

4) The other guy on the scene made her feel as though she may have missed out on something (though claims her feeling weren't specific to him, that he just made her realise this - interestingly he had split with his fiancée only weeks earlier)

5) That we argue too much and is that normal?

6) That she loves me and doesn't actually want to break up but that she was confused and thought that the above things meant marriage wouldn't work.

 

 

Eventually I called a break and said she needed to clear her head / decide what she wanted. We broke up 3 days later. It all seems so strange

/ sudden after all the effort she put into planning the wedding and making our house beautiful, not to mention the expense.

 

 

My feeling is that she got a case of GIGS. Also not helped by the fact that when younger she watched her father leave for other women in later life because he got bored (mother and father eventually reconciled).

 

 

Post break up we kept a lot of contact (from both sides) until last week. She continued texting me saying that she wasn't sure if other people would make us happier or not, that she loved me and didn't actually WANT to break up. Eventually I couldn't take any more mixed signals and told her that we had to cut contact. I saw her with the other guy in town the other day and feel as though she had been keeping in contact with me as a back up in case her new adventures don't work out.

 

 

What are your thoughts guys? Any questions please ask. I'm sorry this was a long post.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

sounds like cold feet, and its totally inappropriate for your finance to be texting other guys, sorry I don't believe in that, don't care about what people say about females having male friends, especially every day , its more than "friends" and totally inappropriate.

 

 

if you had asked to see those messages, im sure she would have fond find any and every excuse not to show you, and if she did she would have waited to delete anything incriminating.

 

 

you had every right to be paranoid, because its not paranoia, its intuition and I would say that was a disaster waiting to happen.

 

 

bunch of total bs on her part.

 

 

I smell cheater too... especially if you saw her in town with the guy shortly after.

 

 

its the same ol story on here over and over.

 

 

im sorry man.

 

 

walk on and keep walking.

 

 

dodged a bullet here, calling off the marriage.

Edited August 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[No Limit]

The b!tch cheated on you and got cold feet afterwards. Move on and thank God she isn't the type that acts happy world to your face while her lover is hiding beneath your bed.

[BlueIris]

 

...

 

About 7 weeks ago I told her I couldn't take any more and confronted her about her distant behaviour. It took about two hours, but finally she confessed that she had strong reservations about getting married. She noted the following:

 

1) What if there are other people out there that make us happier?

2) Do we make each other laugh enough? Do we help each other enough? What if other people do that better?

3) She wished she had dated more when younger so that she appreciated us better

4) The other guy on the scene made her feel as though she may have missed out on something (though claims her feeling weren't specific to him, that he just made her realise this - interestingly he had split with his fiancée only weeks earlier)

5) That we argue too much and is that normal?

6) That she loves me and doesn't actually want to break up but that she was confused and thought that the above things meant marriage wouldn't work.

 

 

Eventually I called a break and said she needed to clear her head / decide what she wanted. We broke up 3 days later.

 

......

 

Post break up we kept a lot of contact (from both sides) until last week. She continued texting me saying that she wasn't sure if other people would make us happier or not, that she loved me and didn't actually WANT to break up. Eventually I couldn't take any more mixed signals and told her that we had to cut contact. I saw her with the other guy in town the other day and feel as though she had been keeping in contact with me as a back up in case her new adventures don't work out.

 

 

What are your thoughts guys? Any questions please ask. I'm sorry this was a long post.

 

My initial reaction is that the list/ cold feet conversation was important. Those are normal concerns and fears.

 

So, what did you say to those concerns?

 

It sounds like you confronted, called a break, and pretty much bailed... or at least left her hanging rather than reassuring her that the marriage would work, you two could overcome your fears, and that you would always love her (ie the essence of marriage vows). It seems she was saying, "I'm afraid" and you didn't respond as she'd hoped or needed.

[newsingleton]

Fair points.

 

 

I responded to all of those concerns with reassurance and things were 'good' again for a week or so, but eventually she went back to being distant / cold.

[barky2]

I'm going to be blunt, but I need you to understand this.

 

This jumped off the page at me..

 

"1) What if there are other people out there that make us happier?"

 

Can I tell you what that means without you getting mad at me or thinking I'm trying to hurt you?

 

Ok.

 

This girl likes the idea of being engaged, or married...

 

But not with you.

 

She doesn't see a future..with you.

 

She's broken up with you how many times?

 

Any time a new shiner rock comes along she jumps on it.

 

She's mos def cheated on you, then called a " break " to see if it'll work out with new guy.

 

I deeply apologize if this hurts, but the writings on the wall.

 

 

No one deserves to be messed with like you have, you need to leave this one in the dust and move on.

 

Because if not, you'll never be truly happy.

 

Ok I take that back.

 

Maybe you may be happy one day with her.

 

In about 10 years and she's exhausted all other options.

 

Don't hate me for saying this, this is something you needs to read.

 

 

Best of luck man, I truly mean it.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[Strength in Healing]

Barky is right, with the sole exception of his final comment -- that one day you may be happy with her once she's done with other guys.

 

Because when that day comes, she will be nothing but emotionally draining and abusive. Because she will never be satisfied. Which translates to you will never be happy.

 

 

 

 

 

We have a perception in our heads of who we believe someone to be -- but the reality is often times not in line with this.

 

The person she really is, is someone willing to cheat and lie. Very selfish, self-centered. You certainly can't do much worse.

[barky2]

Lol I think you get what I was saying, maybe I should've worded it differently!

 

Agree with your points as well.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[Strength in Healing]

Lol I think you get what I was saying, maybe I should've worded it differently!

 

Agree with your points as well.

 

 

 

 

Barky

 

 

Nah you did good, I just wanted to nail your point down even further -- that this relationship will never result in happiness.

[newsingleton]

Thanks for your input guys