I want to get back with ex-wife 11 month breakup 9 year relationship

[frankvega]

Hello this is the first time I post my situation here. I have been reading different situations and stories and decided to post mine so that the experienced members can give me some advice.

 

Before anything I want to thank all members that help others. I realize that this is genuine advice and without a need or interest in doing so. For me this is priceless and much appreciated.

 

My situation started last year. I have been with my wife "although not legally married we been together 9 years and have 2 beautiful children a 1 year old and a 2 year old.

 

Problems started after having first child, I had lost my job and finding work in my field was becoming impossible. But I had a little bit of savings and managed to support my family. After having the first baby, Less than a month after giving birth we became aware that my ex was pregnant again. "Ya that was a shocker" and we decided to have it because abortion was out of the question. So literally we had what some would say "Irish twins".

 

During the second pregnancy things started going downhill and since I could not find employment my savings quickly started to vanish. After the second baby was born it was pretty much were our relationship hit rock bottom. It was purely financial. she was caring for 2 babies and I was unemployed. Eventually because I could not pay the rent she was forced to move back in with her parents and I as well.

 

After she moved back with her parents we lost communication "which I don't blame her" and after months of being separated she decided she did not want this relationship any more.

 

I did the usual pleading and begging and promising that things were going to get better but in reality I was still struggling to get back on my feet.

After being separated 11 months I learned thru FB that she started a new relationship about 3 months ago which totally devastated me.

I was so crushed that this is when I can truly say I HIT ROCK BOTTOM.

 

After seeing The love of my life and mother of my kids with someone else I decided to better my self and change my life completely. I lost 30 pounds in 3 months and I out of necessity started a rather successful business. I paid the child support money in full, I bought a new car, and I moved out of my moms house to a house twice as big to were we used to live. I can now truly say that I can support my family without any problems.

 

The only problem and reason that i am here is one thing and one this only. SHE SAYS IS TOO LATE AND SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO BACK. she says that she found someone that truly makes her happy and that she really likes this guy.

 

About this guy. They have nothing in common. She barely speaks English and he is 100% American and speaks no Spanish. She used to hate it when I didn't shave for 1 day and this guy has a full grown beard, She used to complain about me gaining weight after fatherhood and the guy is twice as overweight than me. She used to complain that I could not support our family and the guy is 33 and still lives with his parents. She used to hate anything related to sci-fi and two weeks ago they attended comic con.

 

I really don't get it. Its like she is trying to relive our 9 year relationship in 3 months after meeting this guy. All she does all day is post in FB how happy she is and how loved she feels. Like in my face going to our secret intimate spots and posting pics with him there. Places that for anyone else would be insignificant but that she knows would truly devastate me.

 

I would really like to reunite our family because even though it is easier to move on and find someone new I would prefer to at least try for the sake of our kids and the love we once felt to save this.

 

Oh and one more thing. Two weeks ago was the first time that I saw my kids with her alone after the breakup. Usually when I see them its with her parents and she is never there.

 

But to my surprise for the past two weeks she has been calling me and texting me literally everyday asking to meet up so that i can see the kids with her alone. The first day we met up we both were their strictly NC only watching after the kids. And right towards the end after I was helping her load the kids in the car. BAM!!! she starts CRYING out of control she totally lost it and started saying how much she hates me for letting this happen and that even if she wanted now its to late because she meet someone who is a real nice guy that doesn't deserve her leaving him for me. and how he is the best thing that ever happened to her.

 

Also she texts me every single day sending me links to songs saying how much they remind her of me, she says that she misses me and that she misses our relationship and is constantly asking me if i have some else and how much weight I lost and how nice I dress.

She also started calling me everyday which she NEVER did since the break up.

 

I would really appreciate if you can give me your honest opinion on this because I more than anything don't want my kids growing up in a broken family and with all honesty I still am in love with her even after 11 months being apart.

[Chi townD]

Well, you better yourself. She spent time away and didn't bother seeing you. We always say on here is that the best revenge you can get is to lead a damn good life. You picked yourself up and dusted yourself off. You lost 30 pounds, started up a successful business, got a new car and a nice place to live. The next time she saw you, she was expecting more of the same she saw before. But, you surprised the hell out of her. She didn't expect to see you doing so well.

 

 

And when she didn't she had a "kicking herself in the ass" moment for not hanging in there longer. now she's texting and calling because she's keeping you on the hook. She wants to keep you on the sidelines while she's with this other dude. Because if it doesn't work out with him at least she has you waiting. But, how is that fair to you? She felt that you were pulling away from her with all of these self improvements and she now needs to get the dog (you) back on the leash so he doesn't wander off again.

 

 

Here's the deal, she made her choice. Unfortunately, it wasn't you. Therefore, you shouldn't put your life on hold just because she tells you to. The next time she texts something you should respond, " Look, if you don't want me to be your man, that's your choice. But, I have and always will be the father of those kids and we are their parents. Therefore, I'm respectfully asking that if you need to contact me, it should only be about the kids. I'm not going to respond to anything else. And it's not because of you or what's been done, it's that I need to heal and move on with my life. You found someone to make you happy. I need to move on and fine out what makes me happy." and then that's it. Don't respond to anything else. If she calls, let it go to voicemail. Listen to the message. If it's about the kids, then TEXT her back, don't call. If it isn't about the kids, ignore it.

 

 

Continue to make massive changes in your life. Go to the gym and start cutting muscle mass. Let her see that you are developing a rock hard bod. When you drop the kids of from a weekend visit, dress REALLY nice! Let her wonder, let her think that you've got something going on after you've dropped the kids off.

 

 

This will show her that you're moving on with your life and more importantly, without her. That might snap her out of it.

[frankvega]

Hi what you say makes sense, the only problem i have is that when I see the kids it is with her and it is for like 3 hours and this is like every other day(4 times a week).

I want her to miss me so that I can have a chance at reconciliation.

[Chi townD]

What? You can't take the kids out by yourself? Just pick the kids up and tell her you're taking them to lunch. Or tell her you're taking them bowling or to miniature golf. Make it about you and the kids. Don't let her dictate what you can and can't do with YOUR kids.

 

 

 

If she wants to be with another man, then that's her deal. You're there to spend time with the kids because she made the choice to have you out of her life. If she doesn't like it, then tough sh*t, this was her choice, not yours. Therefore, she hasto live with the consequences of her actions. And those consequences are that you, as their father, have rights. You can easily take this to family court and get 50/50 on visitation. Which means, she gets to be a part time mom during their childhood. She will not have her kids with her 24/7. You have rights too!

 

 

Here's the thing. You spend 3 to 4 hours over there. And I'm sure you're trying to win her back; telling her all the things she wants to hear. But, you're doing more damage than good. You're giving her and ego boost. You're letting her know that she's still desired by you and you'll do anything to have her. Hence, you're satisfying all her emotional needs and this other guy is filling all of her physical needs. Now, how is that fair to you?

 

 

She left you when things were at it's worst. She threw you to the curb and hooked up with another guy. If she's "happy" with this other dude, then she wouldn't need you to be hanging around. All her needs would be met. Now, you have to show her that you're ready to move on without her. She either gets 100% of you or nothing at all.

Edited July 25, 2014 by Chi townD

[frankvega]

You're right she is probably getting and ego boost and every time I see her diminishing my chances of ever getting back together with my family.

 

Also I cant just take the kids because the are still babies. the boy is 1 and the girl is 2 years old. Also know one knows that she is seeing me with the kids. Not even her parents.

[barky2]

Chi town as always is spot on, but as you requested, I'll give you my take.

 

Women want to know they are being supported, that you'll go get the wild animal, cook it , and feed the family.

 

That goes back to the ice age, and now, the same rules still apply.

 

Women want to be supported, or feel " safe ".

 

 

( now before I get attacked by independent women, I mean well).

 

 

So she I'm sure had " someone in her ear " " oh you can do better " ect.

 

 

So she ventured out.

 

Usually in a rebound they're the complete opposite of you, hense this.

 

Now she's contacting you again ( grass isn't greener).

 

You got ur crap together, extremely proud of you.

 

Hopefully you did it for your kids and yourself, and not for her.

 

Every man falls on hard times, I've been there and done that...especially in my trade.

 

She's holding you on the hook, obviously she isn't happy.

 

Make her live with her situation.

 

You deserve better.

 

What to do now?

 

Ignore her for awhile.

 

Honestly you made the changes that you needed to.

 

You did everything right.

 

She feels you pulling away.

 

Have some self respect now, and tell her to buzz of, that she's got a man, and to go send lyrics to him.

 

Have a backbone.

 

Congrats man, really proud of the changes.

 

( once again women don't attack me)

 

" women swing from branch to branch, but they never let go of one, until that have a good grasp on the other".

 

 

You figure it out.

 

Never truer words have been spoke.

 

Good luck broski.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[frankvega]

Chi town as always is spot on, but as you requested, I'll give you my take.

 

Women want to know they are being supported, that you'll go get the wild animal, cook it , and feed the family.

 

That goes back to the ice age, and now, the same rules still apply.

 

Women want to be supported, or feel " safe ".

 

 

( now before I get attacked by independent women, I mean well).

 

 

So she I'm sure had " someone in her ear " " oh you can do better " ect.

 

 

So she ventured out.

 

Usually in a rebound they're the complete opposite of you, hense this.

 

Now she's contacting you again ( grass isn't greener).

 

You got ur crap together, extremely proud of you.

 

Hopefully you did it for your kids and yourself, and not for her.

 

Every man falls on hard times, I've been there and done that...especially in my trade.

 

She's holding you on the hook, obviously she isn't happy.

 

Make her live with her situation.

 

You deserve better.

 

What to do now?

 

Ignore her for awhile.

 

Honestly you made the changes that you needed to.

 

You did everything right.

 

She feels you pulling away.

 

Have some self respect now, and tell her to buzz of, that she's got a man, and to go send lyrics to him.

 

Have a backbone.

 

Congrats man, really proud of the changes.

 

( once again women don't attack me)

 

" women swing from branch to branch, but they never let go of one, until that have a good grasp on the other".

 

 

You figure it out.

 

Never truer words have been spoke.

 

Good luck broski.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

 

 

 

Bro thank you so much for your words and past post. I am am forever grateful for the advice you give here. Thanks bro