How Much Working On It Is Too Much Working On It?

[gris]

Love the one you're with, right?

 

Live-in, 3.5 years and counting.

 

This is my first adult relationship that's been anything beyond a passionate rendezvous. If I've got a real good thing going and I just need to be patient and put forth more effort, then I'll heed that. My mother's single-hood was punctuated with lots of moving us around and quick and unstable relationships. I say that because I'm only just realizing how clueless I am about the long-term. I don't have a frame of reference, though. I really don't. The following is long. So the short of it is that this guy does a lot of great things but an equal amount of frustrating things.

 

 

 

I don't know. He's the sweetest most of the time. The sex is good physically speaking, but the emotional attachment is nil (no passion, but is that even a real thing this far into a relationship)? He makes me laugh all the time and our senses of humor are parallel. I get along with his family, he gets along with mine. We have similar cultural perspectives and backgrounds.

 

He works hard and will go through with whatever I set up for him. He'll be (and has been at certain times) a good provider for us and potential kids, will put socks on me when my feet are cold, tells me I'm pretty from time to time, and will give me a hug when I ask for one. He tolerates my neuroticism and my cynicism. He doesn't mind my 10-15 pound occasional weight fluctuations and thinks my curls are cute. I like his face.

 

He gets annoyed if I express sadness or insecurity and will say I'm taking myself too seriously. He'll say "what do you want me to do about it?" if I express physical pain (so I've stopped). He only occasionally puts effort into how he looks, smokes way too much ganja (and is cranky when he doesn't have it), has way more ideas than execution (more ambition than drive), and doesn't practice nor encourage me to practice healthy eating habits. I've got kinda flimsy health, so eating healthy is important to me, but he'll request that I drive him to get all kinds of sweets and chips and get pouty when I decline. He doesn't have a license right now (some mistakes in his late teens have come back to haunt him).

 

He learns from his mistakes, though, but I don't know if he acts on those things learned. There's progress always, but it's slow, and when bad things happen he falls back into bad habits, but his habits could certainly be worse, and he's acutely self-aware.

 

He will listen when I complain about the smoking and stop for a week or two, then he's right back at it once it's around him. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not anti-the stuff, I'm just anti-anything that becomes a need to the point of disregard for other things (like legality or responsibility or relationships).

 

I don't receive much help from him on my voyage for self-improvement, though he does encourage my ambition, has made me a better verbal communicator and has helped me decipher emotions. I write his resumes and help him draft cover letters. I plan his days, make his lunch, set his alarm because he'd otherwise be late to work all the time and forget important dates. I rarely get a "thank you" and need to stop playing Mommy, I know.

 

He's never laid an angry hand on me and I feel genuinely safe around him. I'm a child of some pretty raunchy abuse, so this is important. He's also in touch with his emotions to the point of being pretty good at communicating, but also to the point of being sensitive to any possible slights. He's about as emotionally volatile as a hormonal me.

 

We're surviving a bit of financial hell right now, so I don't expect him to take me out to dinners, etc. But, in retrospect, I don't recall him ever doing so, even when the finances were good. No going for long walks, no spontaneous kisses, flowers only when I've asked. He will only begrudgingly join me for a card or board game every couple months even though he knows I adore them. He will, however, let me pick the movie that we watch. No romanticism but, conversely, not much drama. This lack of romanticism has gotten worse in recent months but we've been stressed out, and I think this stuff is supposed to get more predictable with time? No idea. Googling it's too polarizing.

 

He can tell when I'm upset or overwhelmed and will adjust the surroundings accordingly (turning down lights, turning up or down music). He cooks pretty well and does just about anything I ask of him. He'll sometimes call my nagging cute. He doesn't pay much attention to me though, and will be on his phone the entire time we're out anywhere together (not talking to other people, mind you -- just looking things up).

 

He's insecure about his lack of a degree, but he's a creative self-starter and has plans of doing big things (plans are so ambiguous, though). I think he's very bright and he thinks very cleverly. He's interested in my career and my graduate school ambitions, and will flesh out my ideas with me.

 

He has too many female friends and talks about everyone like he's in awe of them, but rarely gives me those real genuine compliments that extend beyond "you're pretty" unless we're having sex. Really, though, shouldn't the occasional "you're pretty" or "your hair looks cute" be enough?

 

He says he wants to marry me and is willing to try hard to make things work, but he's said a lot of things including "I'll stop smoking for awhile." When I bring up a gripe, he pays attention, changes his actions for a couple weeks, and then falls back into old habits. He'll do dishes once a month or so and I feel really grateful for it, but then realize that I have to ask him to do them, and it's only about once a month. He sleeps a lot in the middle of the day, but he also lets me sleep in on weekends and will come put a blanket over me when I'm cold.

 

He's nice to his mama and kind to others, but also tells too much of our business and, in the past, would readily throw me under the bus (e.g., she got into a car accident) so he can, for example, get out of work early. Most of these are immature habits and he's grown a lot since I've been with him. A lot of changes have been made and he's much closer to being a man than a boy, but can anyone really change so much that irresponsible personality quirks evanesce?

 

I keep my **** together really well, but I probably set us up for failure when I didn't establish ground rules.

 

 

 

 

Don't get me wrong -- I can be insecure and I'm sure I do tons of bad things that he doesn't complain about, but that's not really the point here. I'm wondering how much is too much to tolerate, and could use some words from some folks who've been in more of these than me, perhaps. If I'm being honest, he probably does about 50% really great things and 50% slightly annoying-to-really-bad ones. Is that an OK ratio to try to work it out?

 

Any suggestions on how to determine whether it's worth it? I'm not asking for anyone to make a decision for me; I just don't talk much to others and could use some outside opinions on how much working at it is too much working at it, how much waiting for growth is too much waiting for growth. This makes me feel crazy.

 

Thanks kindly,

[owenlee]

50% is too much.

 

But really the pothead thing is the red-flag here.

 

Give him an ultimatum. If he stops entirely (or largely), I bet a lot of these issues will disappear incl. sleeping, lack of drive, lack of attn to physical appearance, unhealthy eating habits, legal problems, & general obliviousness.

[todreaminblue]

Pot causes major problems.......i have dated a few pot heads that i wouldnt want to date another.....drugs suck, they sap all motivation and make relationships unpleasant.I feel if he would be willing to give it up to try and make your relationship work, it might just stand a chance of working.....otherwise its set to fail ...pot will make sure of that ...freakin demon thing..hate it .....loathe it,I want to kill all pot.............huge bonfire...

 

 

 

kill the pot and be honest with what you want from the relationship ...i broke up with a guy recently because of drugs its not a life path to travel happily on not in my experience ....way way over it years over it...... or putting up with going out with an addict........full of discord ....disillusionment,disharmony,disappointment...lots of disses ....deb

[loversquarrel]

Would you be happy with an alcoholic?? - any type of drug taken in excess is a show of deeper lingering unresolved problems. You are approaching an age where you are starting to think "I'm too old for this shyt". You are an adult caught in a juvenile relationship.

[mtnbiker3000]

any type of drug taken in excess is a show of deeper lingering unresolved problems.

 

Yup! I have been self-medicating with alcohol for yeeeeeeears!!! Only recently discovered why... Always thought I just liked alcohol and being buzzed / drunk. Nope, it's all been a distraction from the real issues.

 

My ex too. At first I thought it was awesome that we both drank a lot. And honestly, it was fun at times. Obviously, she's got some issues too. But I know she is not ready to admit it or look deeply into herself. I guess I wasn't either until just recently...