Is a break what we need?

[nyfan1992]

Hi guys,

 

About a few days ago I posted in the "second chances" thread about my situation with my girlfriend. We had a very happy and beautiful relationship for about 18 months, and I still love her very much.

 

While our relationship was great, where we are in our lives as people turned out not to be good timing. She is 20 and I am 21, but we still have a lot of maturing and growing up to do. I am admittedly sensitive and she is very insecure which created a bad mix. Because of her insecurity, she would often make unintentionally hurtful and insensitive comments. For example, she worried that because I typically get hit on by girls more often than she gets hit on by guys that I thought she was ugly. I always told her how beautiful she was, so I know this didn't have to do with me neglecting her but instead because of her insecurities about herself. She once told me she wanted to get hit on more by guys and it really made me upset. I never thought about other girls because my girlfriend made me so happy and she was everything to me, but it seemed like I wasn't good enough for her.

 

That comment was said many months ago but it still has bothered me to this day. I do believe my girlfriend when she says she only said that because she thought that if she got hit on more I would think she was beautiful. However, I am still shocked and upset that she said that to me. She has made similar comments to me three other times during our long relationship. While they only happened a few times, they have hurt me on a deep level and has caused me to not fully trust her. In my opinion, things like saying you want other people to hit on you is just so common sense not to say. My girlfriend is one of the smartest people I know and she is near the top of her class in college, so I am so confused that a person as smart as her could make comments as dumb as that.

 

I do think I have every right to be upset about her comments, and my friends are always shocked that I never broke up with her on the spot when she first said those comments. However, I am a very sensitive person and I do attribute that to the fact that I took those comments more personally and have had trouble forgiving her. Perhaps, if I overcome my sensitivity I won't allow things to hang over my head so much.

 

About a week ago, she made another insensitive comment about how she would dress slutty if she was single. She argued that she meant to say that she dresses more conservatively than she did when she was single because she's with me and wants to respect me. Despite her excuses, I was so tired of her insensitive comments and I hit my breaking point. I broke up with her in a fit of rage and hung up the phone.

 

The next few days, we talked about things and tried to work them out but it only led to more fights. So from this past Thursday to Sunday we decided to not talk at all and give ourselves time to clear our heads and think about what we want. During that time I was torn about what I wanted to do. I loved her so much but her insensitive comments caused so much damage that I knew I could never fully trust her no matter what she said. I wanted to give her a second chance, but I knew that her insecurities and my sensitivity wouldn't change any time soon and we would just end up breaking up again.

 

We finally talked last night and she begged me to take her back and told me she would do whatever is necessary. I wanted to be back with her more than anything, but deep down I felt that it wasn't the right decision. She's going abroad for college studies in a month and I'm starting my first full-time job next Monday so our problems couldn't be fixed in such a short period of time. Our lives are changing so quickly and we need to discover ourselves before we can commit ourselves to a serious relationship. I felt like rushing back into things wouldn't allow us to mature and address our problems and would ultimately lead to another break up, perhaps one that would end much worse than this one did.

 

While at first sad and reluctant to do this, my girlfriend finally realized that my plan for us made the most sense. I decided that starting now we should take a break until she came back from her time abroad next December. This is not a break up, but just a cleanse for our relationship. We will talk once a week and still be a part of our lives. We will be faithful to each other and not hook up or date other people. Then when she comes back home we will see each other and see if we have matured and if we still want to get back together.

 

My thinking is that if we continue our relationship as it was before, it would put too much pressure on us and wouldn't allow us to grow as individuals. I wouldn't have time to address my sensitivity and she wouldn't have time to address her insecurities because we would be so focused on the relationship. The purpose of not getting involved with other people is not to control each other, but instead to allow us time to just focus on finding ourselves and not be distracted by others. In addition, this break is with the hope of getting back together later so if we hook up with other people it will only bring in more baggage into the relationship.

 

My hope is that even if this ends with us realizing we're not meant for each other, this break will give us the time we need to get closure and end things nicely. But if we have matured and still want to be with each other, then our relationship will be stronger and happier than what it was before. I am sad to be taking a break from someone I love so much, but I optimistic for the future and think that doing this just for the next few months will make us so much happier long-term. As I said to her last night, I will still always make sure she knows I love her. While I will say it a lot less than I used to, I believe it is important that we both know we love each other and are committed to one another.

 

I was wondering if anyone could please offer any suggestions or comments on my plan. I feel like it is the right thing to do, but like I said before I'm still young and need time to mature so I'd like to hear any advice you have.