Girlfriend of one year kissed another guy! Need should I leave or stay??

[phawkins85]

Okay, sorry for the length of this, but I am stuck im a situation and I need help to make a decision! and I have to tell the whole story. So I am 22, and my girlfriend of a little over a year now is 21. We saw each other from time to time in high school and ended up getting together and started a relationship. I had a thing going on with Another girl, only for a couple of months right before me and my current gf got together, but the girl was moving to Miami and I had NO FEELINGS towards her at all what so ever. Me and my current gf got together and I must admit before I say what happened, the first week in my new relationship I kissed the other girl before she went to Miami, and we almost had sex, but it didn't get to that point.

 

I felt bad and guilty, and I lied to my current gf about where I was that night, and the Miami girl moved and ever since that day I was ALWAYS FAITHFUL! No other girl had been involved in our relationship since then on my part. Fast foward, months with my current gf go by, and I must say I truly fell in love with this girl. I have never felt this way about any woman in my life. We had many, many ups and downs but we have had soo many good times. The main problem that has happend in our relationship is constant arguing. Over little and sometimes big things, mostly dumb things when I really think about it. It got so bad that we both thought about breaking up because it happened so frequently, but we always stuck it out. One night months into our relationship, maybe 8-9, I asked her if our arguing led her to ever think about being with someone else, and she said yes! I was hurt! And she even told me it was someone specifially, a guy in his late 20's that she has school with! She kept it honest with me and said that she looked at his characteristics, and thought maybe he wouldn't argue so much and he was focused on school alot and knows what he wants in life. I was crushed! Granted she was always still with me and she explained that to me. She said even though she looked at that she was still here with me and she never left me for him at any point and I asked her the question so she gave me the honest answer.

 

A month or so went by, and it still bothers me to this day, but I let it go. One night a few months later, we got into a huge arguement and she went out with some friends bowling. I had a bad idea because she said she was going with friends from school. I had a gut feeling that the guy she told me she thought about or looked at being with was gonna be there. She went out, we didn't talk much that night, we nade up from the arguement, and months went on. That was in about April 2014 and we have been together since June 2013. Now maybe in about May or maybe even June of this year, I finally asked her who was all there that night and she said she would tell me if I don't get mad, sure enough that guy was there. I already knew. Now as a whole, these last few months leading up to our first year together have been amazing! We both agree that these times have been absolutely incredible and we have had so much fun together. I am in love with her and she says she is in love with me. I have done soo much for her and honestly she has for me. She holds me down in tight situations and is always there when I am at my lowest. She is a very smart and beautiful girl and I really think about moving out with her and a future together.

 

So rewind to a few days ago, she asks me if I ever cheated on her specifically asking if I ever had sex with anyone else in our relationship, I tell her no, which was the truth. I never told her about kissing the other girl the first week. I had ALOT of chances to do so though, but I never once cheated on her after that first week because I fell in with her! I knew I would feel so guilty if I did and that it would come back on me. Even through our arguing, it never once led me to think about doing or being with anyone else. Then I asked her if she did, and she said no. I asked again, then she said please don't be mad at me. I asked again, she specifically said "it's not what I did, its what someone did to me..". I got mad and asked what happened. She told me that night she went bowling which was in April, that guy from school kissed her, just a peck and she backed up as if she didn't kiss him back. And then she left. Thats the first story.

 

I kept pushing her to tell me the truth because I knew she said she thought about being with him. Then she told me, she let him kiss her. Now I am angry! Why did she lie? I was so hurt. Why did you lie and why did you let him do it. She says it was a mistake but we had argued so much to that point she wanted to see if any feelings were there for him at that point. She let him kiss her, just a peck she claims (which I don't believe) and then she left that night. Me and her are together alot, and she doesn't text or call anyone really at all but me. And she would never really have time to, because we work in the same place and are always together. She said her and him stopped talking after that, and i did see a change in that for a while because they did talk from time to time about school, but I had no idea why until now. She has apologized so many times, told me she made a stupid mistake, she wants me and only me, give her another chance and that she doesn't want to see me with anyone else. She said she regrets it and if she could take it back she could because it was a stupid mistake. She says that it wasn't worth it and she knows it's not worth losing me and that she didn't tell me because she was scared and didn't want me to leave her. She also says nothing else happened that night, but idk what to believe because she lied at first! I feel like i can't even trust her. All I did for you leading up to that and you cheat on me.

 

We were together 9-10 months when that happened. When I kissed the other girl there were NO feelings really at all towards my current gf because it was only the first week. I know that doesn't make it right, but its still the truth. Idk if I should leave her or not, we just made it past a year and i'm just now finding out about this. And it hurts so bad. She keeps texting me saying she doesn't want to be without me and that she loves mr so much and honestly I have never had anyone like her or done the things we have done. Alot of the thinga we have done have been a first for both of us. I really don't want to let her go at all, but idk how to get past that. Too much has added up with that guy from her school and idk what to do! PLEASE HELP AND ADVISE ASAP!

[Smarty Pants]

To answer your question, you should leave. This will only create mistrust in your relationship.

[Oregon_Dude]

When trust is in question, it is OVER.

 

My ex lied. I recently found this out. Even if she wanted me back, I would never... because she LIED.

 

I do not lie. Ever. Not to my neighbor, my friend, and certainly not my SO.

 

It's going to hurt, but your relationship is over, because she betrayed you. Get out now, or deal with more of this for a long time.

 

It's scary to leave, but it's necessary. Good luck.

[redbaron005]

To answer your question, you should leave. This will only create mistrust in your relationship.

 

I disagree, I think you should sit down with her and have an adult conversation before making any decision. Fight for the relationship while you're in it. Tell her whats bother you, don't attack her. She needs to cut ties with this guy, permanently, so give her the option to do so. Delete his number in front of you, block on fb, etc. Ask what you can do better as a boyfriend. Have you had a discussion about where you think the relationship is going? Get a better feel for her feelings. Stop being jealous.

[Jay77098]

No trust, no relationship. End of story.

[pound5050]

She probably had sex with this guy. Let's get real. Girls are smarter than us and she had the nerve to break it down to a t who she would be with if you weren't meeting her needs. Then your gut told you that she was with him and she was. I mean do you expect her to say "yeah I went back to his place and we had sex but I swear it wasn't the same and I'll never do it again"? No. She's a girl and doesn't want to look like a slut. However, she also know you're weak, as any man at the time, in your situation might be, if they don't immediately kick the girl out of the car after she tells you who they might potentially leave you for. It is what it is, man. But I find a lot of truth and therapy in these posts here. The dude played her and now she's playing you. Kick her to the curb.

[redbaron005]

She probably had sex with this guy. Let's get real. Girls are smarter than us and she had the nerve to break it down to a t who she would be with if you weren't meeting her needs. Then your gut told you that she was with him and she was. I mean do you expect her to say "yeah I went back to his place and we had sex but I swear it wasn't the same and I'll never do it again"? No. She's a girl and doesn't want to look like a slut. However, she also know you're weak, as any man at the time, in your situation might be, if they don't immediately kick the girl out of the car after she tells you who they might potentially leave you for. It is what it is, man. But I find a lot of truth and therapy in these posts here. The dude played her...

 

Agreed. However, I think the situation could lend itself to giving her a second chance. It depends on how the OP feels. Trust is hard to build, quick to destroy, and even harder to rebuild.

[marcjb]

She cheated on you. Leave, because we both know that you do not want to be with a cheater. The only people that would want to be with a cheater is if they are cheater themselves.

[d0nnivain]

Forget the kiss. You kissed someone else so you can't get all high & mighty about that now.

 

Get out because the constant arguing has already eroded your relationship to the point where this happened.

[sugarlove]

Don't really care if it's a peck or a full on slobbery french kiss. But the fact that you are writing an entire 6 paragraph story about kissing is showing that you don't trust her, you never did and you never will.

[veggirl]

omg, find a relationship that isn't non-stop drama. you guys are too young and immature to be in serious relationships, it's not going to last forever so cut the cord and enjoy your early 20s w/o the drama.

[Shinobi]

There is a big chance she had sex that night but even if she did not, isn't a kiss good enough reason to end it? It is a matter of time until she goes and have sex with someone else. Even if she restrains herself how much time do you think she will sleep only with you? 1 year, 2 years? 5 years? Sooner or later she will have it- why wait until then?

[Smarty Pants]

I disagree, I think you should sit down with her and have an adult conversation before making any decision. Fight for the relationship while you're in it. Tell her whats bother you, don't attack her. She needs to cut ties with this guy, permanently, so give her the option to do so. Delete his number in front of you, block on fb, etc. Ask what you can do better as a boyfriend. Have you had a discussion about where you think the relationship is going? Get a better feel for her feelings. Stop being jealous.

 

Sorry. You don't need to do this in healthy relationships. No need to fight for something that is going to fail because of lies.

 

You are describing what a doormat does. Girls walk all over doormats and do whatever they want.

 

This is not good advice.

[mightycpa]

I don't think you have to be so black and white about it. Try this:

 

First, you're going to have to grow a pair. Practice the following in the mirror so you can get through it without crying.

 

Tell her you've been thinking about the kiss and the things that she said about wanting to go out with this guy. Explain how the blowout quarreling has been bothering you too. Tell her that early in the relationship you kissed somebody too.

 

Tell her that while it will hurt you now, what you'd like to try is non-exclusivity in dating. Explain that you're still interested in her, but you can see the benefits of going out with other people too. Tell her that you'd like to see her regularly, and ask if you can have a standing day where you two will plan to be together. Tell her you'd like to keep Saturday nights open, so maybe Thursday nights would be good. You should check to see when the most ladies nights are in your area before you decide. Don't pick those nights.. pick something else, and leave Friday night open to hunt, and Saturday night open to date. Treat her really nicely when you date her. Hell, treat them all nicely.

 

You will learn a boatload more about yourself, about dating and about how to keep an adult relationship going by seeing multiple people than you will seeing just one person that you regularly fight. Multiple dating partners keeps you on your toes. Make sure you date pretty women too.. don't settle for anything less than she is. Keep working your way up.

 

She may just dump you, and you'll get your answer. She may take you up on it, and learn to like it, dump you later, or want to return to you. But you'll be a better man for the experience.