Broke up last night. Just want to stop feeling anything at all.

[Sadspork]

Last night my boyfriend decided he had had enough. Ironically, in just a month it would have been our two year anniversary. I'm well aware that one day this will all be a memory, but right now I feel like total crap because I know if I hadn't treated him so badly so often this may not have happened. I know you aren't supposed to think about what "could have been." But I can't help but remember the hostility I sensed from him. The fact that I hurt him badly enough to foster and intensify that hostility over the last few months, to the point where he can no longer cope with my selfishness. When I say selfishness I mean that I have depression and am a train wreck of a person. I no longer have any friends as they all saw me as a negative person. Now he sees me that way, and he had carefully but firmly closed the lid on the miserable saga that was our relationship. I am hurting so much and can't imagine that he could be hurting as much as I am since he is the one who ended it.

Today after I left his place in the morning he later dropped off some of my things. He was extremely cold to me and wish he never had even though I know I need my things at some point. He has been going from extremes such as radio silence, to saying he didn't want me to leave to then yelling at me to leave, to this coldness. What can I do? I feel like I have betrayed myself by allowing myself to get hurt again. I knew I was too depressed to be in a relationship and now an even bigger hole is left in my heart then before. I just wan't to put my head underwater and hear silence. No more feelings, no more screaming emotions jerking back and forth. No more sad resignation. Inner peace is months, years, eons from my grasp now even more so then before. What is the point anymore?

[sugarlove]

The only thing you can do now is to allow yourself to go through the process of grief and not act on anything due to your emotions.

 

Sadness is part of a breakup and it's needed especially when you lose someone dear to you. The feeling now for you will be numbness but eventually it'll hit you like a ton of bricks. Be prepared that it always get worse before it feels better.

 

I don't know what else I can say except to keep the faith that things sometimes do happen for the best reasons we are unable to see now. But in a few months time, things will be clearer for you.. until then, feel the pain and do whatever you need to help you move past it and the idealisation of who he was.

[Sadspork]

I know he wasn't perfect but I was such a goddam bitch all the time. Such a bitch. I see that now. it's not just him that has said that I'm a negative person, many others have told me that I suck the happiness out of a room. My own mother said I was a negative person. I actually have no friends at the moment, presumably because a depressed person like me seems to be able to clear a room in 5 point nothing seconds.

[sugarlove]

You know yourself better than anyone else. If you do think that the root of the breakup is due to your behavior, then perhaps you'll have to consider steps to change or prevent the same things from happening again.

 

It's easy to blame oneself for a breakup but more often than not, the fault lies with both parties. Nonetheless, you can only take responsibility for your own actions. Don't worry too much about how others feel about you now, it's hard not to indulge their thinking but you have more pressing issues to overcome and that is you.

 

I'm not familiar with your country's system as I'm from Australia but perhaps some youth counselling services might be available where you are?

[Sadspork]

yes. Am in new zealand and am going to get counselling now. Whilst he did a lot of things wrong too, I am seeing a very painful pattern emerge in most of my relationships which include friends and family. I said I was going to stop it after the last time but I have not. Thats why I understand that being around me can be unpleasant as I have had depression since I was a teenager and am now 22 and am constantly mood swinging, insecure and have anger issues to the point I can be violent. I was actually kicked out of home because my own family had had enough of me. My now ex says he though he could "fix" what was wrong with me. But even I haven't been able to because I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. Some insight but I don't know why I snap, get violent, have random and sudden mood changes. So whilst in some ways he has "thrown me away" at the moment I'm not angry at him. I'm just sad and hope that a friendship can eventually come out of this mess.

[Moonborn]

yes. Am in new zealand and am going to get counselling now. Whilst he did a lot of things wrong too, I am seeing a very painful pattern emerge in most of my relationships which include friends and family. I said I was going to stop it after the last time but I have not. Thats why I understand that being around me can be unpleasant as I have had depression since I was a teenager and am now 22 and am constantly mood swinging, insecure and have anger issues to the point I can be violent. I was actually kicked out of home because my own family had had enough of me. My now ex says he though he could "fix" what was wrong with me. But even I haven't been able to because I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. Some insight but I don't know why I snap, get violent, have random and sudden mood changes. So whilst in some ways he has "thrown me away" at the moment I'm not angry at him. I'm just sad and hope that a friendship can eventually come out of this mess.

 

Focus on yourself now. You need to understand and learn how to deal with this problem first. Nobody can "fix" you... And I am sorry to hear about what happened with your family. Maybe if you start counselling and tell them, and show them that you are aware you have a problem and that you are trying to solve it, they will support you again. Anyway, it is definitely more important for you to be in good terms with them than being friends with your ex.

[Sadspork]

Yes I know. I still have some resentment towards my which I think might be part of it. I guess I feel guilty as though I "used" my ex to try and forget about my problems. In fact I had a very intense upbringing, my mum and stepdad are heavily christian and resented my choice to disown christianity, whilst my dad lives in the UK and I haven't seen him since I was fourteen. So I know that those are some of the things I struggle with. I just feel like another person has thrown me away. Instead of trying to "fix" me why couldn't somebody just love me for who I am? Clearly he couldn't. I don't want anybody to try to fix me. I just wan't them to respect what I'm going through and not call me "crazy" or " negative" or "selfish." I'm so tired of hearing all those words. So what if I am? Aren't we all those things sometimes? Am I supposed to be full of happiness and pooping rainbows all the time, never allowed to authentically think or feel anything?

[benzo72]

Trust me, i know exactly what you are going through! I am currently dothe same with my ex gf. The most important thing right now is to take time to greve! You need to do away with any social media that might be friends with your ex. I am currently do no contact, not to get my ex back, but to allow yourself to heal! Im so sorry, and please keep your head up, everything WILL be ok with time

[Moonborn]

Instead of trying to "fix" me why couldn't somebody just love me for who I am?

 

The question is: do you love yourself for who you are? If the answer to that question is no, you cannot expect others to love you to fill your void. The harsh truth is that it is not going to work.

[Sadspork]

I honestly don't know. Iv'e been told so many versions of who I am that it's hard to hear my own voice anymore. I know I get frustrated with myself for not being able to recover from my depression. But I don't implicitly "hate myself" as far as I know. I feel like I deserve to be heard and understood and that nobody had ever tried to understand my side of things. Recently I've though about learning to meditate because I seem easily influenced by what other people say about me. In terms of how I feel about myself, I feel fairly neutral. There are things about myself I do and don't like- for instance, my tendency to be overly emotional. But then I see myself as hardworking and smart. So over all I think I have a reasonable amount of self esteem.

[ImThinkingWTF]

I hate that this term is being thrown around so much lately but have you spoken to your counselor about the possibility of borderline personality disorder? The depression, anger and other things it might be a good idea to look into that.... There are effective therapies to help with the emotional instability.

[Sadspork]

Yes I think I may need to go to another psychiatrist because although my diagnosis fits with depression there seems to be elements that are something else completely. I know that my dad has bipolar, however I wasn't diagnosed with any manic tendencies. So that doesn't fit. Am starting to think I should just slap a label on myself that says "warning, highly explosive" and leave it at that. Mostly it all just falls under "crazy emotional female" to most people or " manipulative evil girl who is doing this to me as a punishment." No my illness is not me trying to punish anybody….gah.

[Eagle755]

I'm basically the guy in your situation. Except my ex with depression left me. Even though she hurt me as you hurt him. She had no friends or anything either. But she fought with me everyday. Even though I was the one that constantly got stressed out, and constantly hurt by her. She was able to turn it on me somehow and leave me because she was "tired of fighting and tired of me not caring", then sleep with another guy a month later

Maybe he was trying to save you both from hurt. What I'm going through is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I wish she had never stopped taking her medicine

That is a big part of it. If you aren't being properly treated, you're hurting everyone else as well.

Also as the person above me stated, I'm almost certain my ex has bpd. Its not something to mess around with at all.

[Sadspork]

Am sorry to hear that. I never really understood how badly my mood changes and issues were hurting him until he broke up with me. It sounds ridiculous for me to claim that but truly, to me being all over the place and expressing your emotions in a loud and disorderly manner ( I watched my bipolar dad have about eight different moods in five seconds every day, not that I'm calling him a bad father, just the same as me, ill) is a completely normal thing. So obviously I have some eccentricities or immaturities I need to sort out. Until he actually dropped me on my ass and said "Iv'e had enough" it was a game that could have gone on for a much longer time. I'm not angry at him for leaving and I understand why he left. Therefore I have not contacted him, and will not until he does first to get my stuff from his house. I'm not going to be begging either. Because as long as I'm using him to make myself feel better and ignore my problems they won't go away.

[Sadspork]

Also I'm on pills for my depression. Dear lord in heaven I would hate to think what I would be like off them. Sometimes I feel like my switch got stuck on mr.hyde mode. Like Im a monster of some kind.

[Eagle755]

At least you have genuine feelings and emotions. When it happened to me, she seemed like she didn't even care. Of course she cried and begged me to stay the moment I found out about the other guy. But that's out of guilt. She would say she wanted me, loved me ,etc. But there was never genuine emotion shown, at all.

So I'm glad that you at least have a heart. You'll find someone for you.

I actually enjoy being with people like my ex. Shows underlying problems to my own self, but oh well.

So you'll definitely find someone that will know how to handle your illness. Or if you really want it to be him, try hard to fix it.

My ex is off in another state trying to fix her problems because she wants to be with me(but, she screwed up pretty bad)

But if you really are alone, you can talk to me. I'm also going through this alone, because nobody wants to hear a guy cry about his problems.

[Sadspork]

As much as it doesn't help to say it, at least you found out what she did now, rather then later. I think thats one of the most unfair parts of a breakup, women are free to vent to their friends but men just kind of pat each other on the back and talk about other fish in the sea. It seems men have to hide their feelings. I think thats why they go very cold after a breakup, because they don't feel free to show emotion. If she doesn't show any genuine empathy I would see that as a warning. Some mental illnesses actually make people less empathetic towards others. If I were you I would cut your loses, as she seems more regretful that she got caught then genuinely sorry. But who knows.

 

Just looked up the symptoms for BPD (yes I know, self diagnosing on the internet) and it was pretty much me to a t. Even the bit about getting annoyed if friends go on holiday or changes of plans. Oh dear.

[Sadspork]

I just noticed that in your post you said your ex had bipolar? I expect that was like trying to ride a horse without a saddle. In my memories of my dad one minute he would be happy and joking, the next crazy angry about a very small thing. :/ I would hate to live with that…funny coming from me haha.

[changchewsoon]

At least you have genuine feelings and emotions. When it happened to me, she seemed like she didn't even care. Of course she cried and begged me to stay the moment I found out about the other guy. But that's out of guilt. She would say she wanted me, loved me ,etc. But there was never genuine emotion shown, at all.

 

Your ex is exactly just like mine. Hence, good riddance.

[Downtown]

Just looked up the symptoms for BPD ...and it was pretty much me to a t.

Sadspork, I agree with I'mThinking that you are describing several of the warning signs for BPD. I'm glad to hear that you are going to see a therapist, hopefully a psychologist or psychiatrist who is very experienced in treating personality disorders (in case that is what you actually are suffering from).

 

If you are interested, I list the BPD red flags in my post at 18 BPD Warning Signs. I also provide a list of the differences I've seen between the typical behavior of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and that of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) in my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. Finally, I provide a much more detailed description of BPD symptoms in my posts at Rebel's Thread. If those discussions ring some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Sadspork.