it's complicated

[adapting]

Ok, I was in a relationship for 6 years, and have been broken up for not quite a year and a half. We were living together most of that time. In the last couple years I had gone back to school 2 hours away and was only coming home on weekends (but I was living with his sister while I was in school, which was nice cause I still felt connected).

 

For a short period of time while I was away at school, one of our (male) friends moved into the basement of our house. There was no mention of his girlfriend living there, but then she was ALWAYS there, would do laundry there and whatever...

 

Anyway, one day my (now ex) boyfriend and I were walking our dog on a trail by our house, and she came along walking her boyfriend's dog, because she was at our house, but he wasn't (I don't know if he was working or what, I don't remember, this was like 2 years ago). She would always wear these skin tight leggings showing off her ass. While we were walking that day she was always making sure to position herself in front of my bf, and she always had this really skanky way of doing stuff to try to get his (and every other guy's attention). He and I had been having issues with our dog, basically arguing over training him. We got into a fight on this walk, and he reacted differently, and I felt like it was because this girl was basically trying to seduce him right in front of me (you might think I'm overexaggerating, but keep reading). This was one of our worst fights, and after this time is when I kind of gave up on the relationship, because we had been having problems, and I felt like he was betraying me the way he treated me during that argument, and I blamed it on that girl being there.

 

Anyway, fast forward a few months, and that girl's boyfriend leaves her, and moves out west. This girl and the guy's brother come over at seperate times to move his stuff out of our basement, because even though he kind of left her, in her mind in some way they were still together... don't ask me. Anyway, she leaves a note on our coffee table for my boyfriend saying "Hey, here's my number, call me if I forgot any of (her bf's) stuff". And around the same time we notice that one of the spare keys to our house is missing. I freak out, pissed off that she would leave her number, and paranoid that this skank is giong to let herself into my house while I'm away at school during the week. My (ex)boyfriend tells me I'm overreacting and takes offense because he says I don't trust him... (we have had issues when we first started dating where he lied to me and got caught in it, where he was going to the strip club with guys from work but wouldn't tell me he'd be late or anything, and wouldn't answer his phone and then would tell me he was playing video games and didn't hear it. Whatever, I probably wouldn't have cared if he were at the strip club if he hadn't tried to hide it from me.) So yes, there were some underlying trust issues, but what I told him was it was HER that I didn't trust. Anyway, our relationship just kept deteriorating after that, and one day he finally ended it (though at times I had considered it myself).

 

I see this girl at a party shortly after the break-up, and when I reveal to everyone there that my bf and I have broken up, the look of satisfaction on her face was obvious.

 

The thing is, my ex was actually really sort of kind to me in some ways during the break up. He even agreed to see a relationship counsellor, and was totally open to talking to me anytime I wanted. I've had about 4 conversations with him about our relationship since the breakup, which as I said was almost a year and a half ago now. At none of these times did I or he mention this girl.

 

Well in the past few months, I have been to a couple of parties where this girl is, and she will literally take every willing guy into the bathroom. At one, everyone saw her take two guys into the bathroom, all three came out at once, and she immediately went and sat on another guy's lap. Someone else told me they then saw her go into the bathroom with another guy later on. So my inclination was right - she's a ho. This past weekend, I was at another party, and two friends of mine were there together as a couple. The girl had to leave, but the guy was staying the night. After the girl left, I find the ho and the guy outside the bathroom, and see her putting the moves on this guy. I pull him away and tell him that girl is a ho, and not to do anything stupid. And sure enough, a few minutes later she's taking some other guy out into her tent for some "alone time". Whatever, I don't care what she does with this guy, she wasn't going to break up my friends if I could help it...

 

Anyway, in the past few months this girl has also added my ex as a friend to facebook, and I'm sure she's trying to get to him. And now that I pulled one of her potential belt notches away from her, I feel like she's going to go after him even more.

 

My dillemna is this: I still love my ex, to an extent, although the thought of him having anything to do with this girl makes me rethink that. The last time I spoke to him which was about a month or so ago, he said he cares about me but he "doesn't think it's enough" for us to get back together. He gets teary eyed when we talk about things though - and this guy is not a crier - and he has still been receptive to seeing me every time I've asked, but I now feel I've gotten out everything I had to say about us - except about this girl. I want to talk to him to let him know what a ho she is, because I'm afraid she's going to try to weasel her way into his life. And I also want to explain to him how I was frustrated because I felt like that day we had the big fight while walking our dog, to me that fight was more about her presence than anything else.

 

I really do think my ex is a good guy. I, being a bit of a creep, checked his internet browsing history after we broke up when I was at the house moving out some of my stuff, and after the breakup he was looking at girls online, but this ho wasn't one of them. So to him, I don't think she had anything to do with our break up. Plus, she's a smoker and he had told me before he and I started dating he had asked a girl out and then realized she was a smoker so told her nevermind. She's not really his type. But he and I had been going through a really stressful time, with a lot of people close to us sick, plus me being away at school, and us both having very little money... and I guess I just felt like this girl made him think that life would be so much easier with someone like her. And maybe this was just my own insecurities talking, but anyway...

 

After all that, what I really want to know is... If I now go talk to him about her, let him know what a ho she is, and also the role she played from my perspective on the demise of our relationship, do you think it would be the kind of thing that would actually push him to her? The reasons I want to talk to him about it are for the sake of my pride, for sure. I don't want this ho having the satisfaction of thinking that he broke up with me for her (because I really don't think that's what happened) and I don't want to see him with someone like that. Yes, part of me wants him back, but I don't think going to talk to him about this girl is going to do that for me. But I do want to let him know the type of person she is, and the reason I had kind of given up on the relationship when I did. So what do you think... will telling him any of this push him toward or away from this girl?

[Chi townD]

I wouldn't inform him of crap. All you're going to do is tell him where to get an easy piece of ass. Because, let's face it, you're not together anymore and he's free to do what he wants.

 

 

But, it's obvious you still have feelings for him and you're hurting that you two aren't together anymore. I think you might want to focus more on that. Because, if he does sleep with this girl, you KNOW that it would be over. So, work on the things you can work on.

 

 

Don't worry about ol' girl, she has more than enough men to keep her busy.

[adapting]

Thank you, I think that's exactly what I needed to hear!

[Chi townD]

And besides, you may not believe this, but a lot of guys would be turned off by this girls behavior. I know I wouldn't want to get with a girl that is known to be easy. I wouldn't want to walk away with some disease.

 

 

Talk with your Ex and see if there's a chance to work things out or if it's completely over. If it is, then walk away and don't look back, start NC.

[Griesfootball]

Think it's the same thing the other way. When a girl breaks up with a guy she doesn't want to see him sitting on her doorstep one day pleading about how he wants her back. You can love your ex still that is very normal. Focus on the good things in life activities, family events, work, school hobbies. You sound like a great girlfriend to this guy during the relationship. It's always tricky finding the line between trust and freedom, when somebody goes out with a group of friends we are always curious. He's knows who you are and he knows he can talk to this other girl so you will have to be patient and let him choose for his own because clearly from the information given this other girl is nothing compared to you

[adapting]

Thanks for both your input. Other than those 4 times I went to see him, I've been NC. And when I did go to see him it was mostly to clarify my position on everything that had happened.... Partly because I couldn't talk about any of it when we first broke up because there was so much other stuff going on with people close to me who were sick, that I couldn't even process anything. And any of the times I did talk to him, when I asked if he thought we could work things out, he was always wishy-washy, like "I don't *think* I want to..." but his body language (and teary eyes) seemed to say different, so I guess I kind of held on... but I don't know, it was a REALLY complicated situation... There was so much that contributed to it, but it was never really a lack of love. Even when we went to see the counsellor he said "I always loved you" - so things like that made it harder to let go. But at the same time he also told the counsellor he thought our relationship just "ran its course". But anyway at this point, the only thing I feel I didn't talk to him about was this girl, and last night I couldn't sleep because I just wanted to reach out to him about it, but I'm glad I didn't, and thank you both for helping me see things a little more rationally!