shiningbrighteyess Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 I'm female, ex is male. My ex from two years ago was, and still is, emotionally abusive to me. It was at its worst when we were very close. He would publicly insult me by calling me stupid, a bitch, etc. then turn around and be incredibly sweet to me in private. He'd give me the silent treatment if I ever hurt his ego, and he would even threaten that he could ruin my life if he really wanted to. Aside from that, he'd also tell me a lot how easy I was to manipulate, and how he enjoyed manipulating others. He'd go through cycles where he would want to be around me a lot, then other times where he'd ignore me for his friends or other girls. Ever since we broke up, we have never maintained no contact. He ended up contacting me first wondering why I hadn't talked to him at all. We started talking again, and then hooking up casually. Ever since then, we have basically been friends with benefits. However, he has major jealousy and possessive issues, where he's threatened a lot to stop sleeping with me if he finds out I'm sleeping around with a lot of other guys. He's stated that he basically owns me sexually now because of how much I enjoy the sex we have. What I don't tell him, obviously, is that it's not strictly the sex I enjoy, but also being close to him throughout the night and morning. We talk a lot when we 'hang out', even cuddle sometimes, and that and his jealousy issues confuse the hell out of me. I don't understand how he can't want to commit, yet be so controlling and possessive of me. These are all the bad things. There were obviously good things too, or else I wouldn't have fallen in love with him. When we were together, we would often stay up all night talking about really deep stuff. We really 'got' each other. He has severe emotional reservations and would tell me he felt really comfortable opening up to me. He told me he loved me. We would hang out often, laugh a lot, and just had a lot of chemistry between us--everyone noticed it. We couldn't keep our hands off each other usually. Even now when we hang out as FWBs, there's still a lot of talking, touching and kissing. I feel as though I've hit a wall with all of the casual sex we have. I can't take it anymore. I tried, for a long time, to tell myself that I was fine and could treat him as JUST a sexual partner. But now, I feel this immense weight on my chest, imagining how little he actually cares for me. I feel this tremendous sadness, wondering what went wrong and why he never really wanted me. He still talks to his ex from years ago (something that really bothered me during our relationship) who he claims "messed him up" in relationships and broke his heart. I keep wondering what the hell is so good about her that made him so broken hearted over her. I am obsessive, jealous, and paranoid, constantly thinking he may just eventually get back together with her, and how would I feel then? I don't even know how I could handle that. I feel so terribly alone and in such pain from the entirety of our relationship, and post-relationship. I feel like I've let myself get played countless times and just been like a sex object to him, or something to satisfy his insecure ego. Every time I try to stop talking to him, he eventually contacts me and makes me feel wanted again. And I just fall back into this cycle, secretly hoping I might make him love me again. I honestly don't know how I will get over this, or when. Every guy I meet, I compare them to him, and think that he's better. It's so messed up; he's screwed me over so many times and yet I still crave his presence and his affection. I just can't imagine hating someone who has brought me such (fleeting, but still real) happiness. He's made me cry thousands of times, but I still always think back on our good times and miss when he actually loved me. I'm sorry for the super long post. I just am feeling very full of emotions and needed to vent, at least on here. tl;dr: I am still having casual sex with my emotionally abusive ex from two years ago. He is still possessive, jealous and controlling of me, but refuses to commit. I've hit a breaking point and don't know what to feel anymore--part of me knows I need to say goodbye, and another part can't imagine doing that to someone I've cared for so much. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 You absolutely must stop seeing him. Stop talking to him. Stop having sex with him. You need to take a few months off from men completely. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 I hope you seek counseling to find a healthy boundary for yourself. And to work through the pain from the abuse. It's painful to face but worth getting past it to the new behavior. Can you not see him? I hope you can stop all communication with him. You deserve the best - but you won't get better while in touch with him. Please stop allowing him to see you. That is a CHOICE YOU HAVE! Link to post Share on other sites
Hoosfoos Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 (edited) Your gut is telling you that you need to leave for the sake of your health. Listen to it. Unfortunately after you leave your heart will be craving him for a long, long time. Don't listen to it. Edited May 26, 2014 by Hoosfoos formatting Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 You know, I didn't even read this. Women like you are just unhelpable (if that's a word). ^^Untrue!! I also only read the title. The answer is, you must identify and work through your own issues. This really has very little to do with the ex, but has everything to do with you and your issues. I'm guessing you experienced some sort of trauma(s) at some point in your life. That is the key to your recovery and breaking this cycle... Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted May 26, 2014 Share Posted May 26, 2014 Stop talking to him, start NC and don't look back. There's no other way. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts