Short (very short) term relationship. Confirm what I already should know.

[dwerli]

I just ended a very short-term relationship (1 month). But I will admit the break up affected me a lot.

 

Reasonably short version, I just started a new government job downtown two months ago in February. My Ex started working on the same floor in the same department (but a different section) of this government office.

 

I have been divorced a little over a year (12 year marriage) and have had one other relationship in the meantime. I ended that relationship about 8 months ago in August. I was the dumper....no regrets about ending that one. I have two kids (14 and 11)and she has one kid as well (10).

 

Back to the story, so my ex pursues me. I was reasonably content and not looking for a relationship. She would arrange to ride the same public transportation home even when not convenient. She dropped hints and asked me to lunch (which I declined). Anyway, we cave and we eventually go out on a Friday night and things progress a little quickly. We start spending most of our free time over the next three weeks (by that I mean the time when neither of us has our kids). She starts calling me her boyfriend within the first week. (We slept together on that first date and discussed about at least being monogamous if we were going to do that).

 

From the beginning, she says she is stressed about the work aspect of our relationship. While we do not work directly with each other, our coworkers are the same. Another dynamic is that while I am not management I am one of the professional salaried employees (i.e., lawyer) and she has a staff position.

 

Her friends tell her it is a bad idea. Originally her mother told her the same thing, but she said it was worth it to go out. We just keep it under wraps at work. We both are hard diligent workers it does not interfere with our work. We try and act casual around each other, but the most that came of it was a few comments to her that I might like her and another coworker who asked her if he should put in a good word for her with me (i.e., trying to set us up).

 

Fast forward, to last week. On Tuesday, she tells me (through an email during the day) about some other office gossip (rumors of an old office romance between other coworkers), and she says she is really stressed about this. (She has concerns about being thought the office slut and not being taken seriously for her work).

 

I write back that same day (in an email), that maybe the best thing is that she break up with me. What had been fun has already turned into something stressful all day long and that is not helpful to either of us. I said if she eventually decided that she missed me and that it might be worth it, maybe we could try again. I said that the only thing this course of action risked was losing me. She wrote back and said "I wish I could talk to you personally. I am soaking in what you said." Not a good sign.

 

That night we talk briefly in person riding home on the train (which is not conducive to intimate conversation) and over the phone. Long conversation, but she agrees with me. She says she is having trouble sleeping and some real anxiety issues with the work and she says it is making her think too quickly about the future (in other words, am I a serious enough prospect for risking all of this). I cannot say that I am proud of all of the conversation in that I probably gave up a little dignity, but in the end I said my goodbyes, thank yous, etc. and said that I would not be in contact. She said she "cherished" our relationship and that the decision was like between deciding whether to "eat" or to "drink." But she said she would respect my decision not to be in contact. "I will leave that up to you, but I would like to still get together."

 

We ended the conversation and I went immediately into no contact. With one exception, she was still at the bus station after work on Wednesday (she normally leaves earlier that day so I should not have seen her there at that time).

She greets me and asks how my day was.

I just shake my head.

She says, "Can I tell you something?"

I say, "If it is something you think I should know."

She says, " I had lunch with Jesse today and I wanted to tell you that he asked me if I liked you. I said 'yes' and then he asked me if he should mention something to you. I told him "no." But he said he could do so very subtly. I just wanted you to know."

I acknowledged this with a headshake.

She then said, "Jesse also told me about the people in the office. You are definitely one of the people he likes."

I said, "I am one of the good ones, huh?"

She said, "yes."

And then we sat for the rest of the bus ride to the train station (about 7 minutes). When we got off the bus, she looked back to see if I was following her to the train station, but I turned a different direction and waited at a different part of the platform.

 

I managed to avoid running into her at all on Thursday or Friday and have been no contact all weekend.

 

 

 

 

OK, so the point of the post, is that I probably just need to hear what I already know. I need to totally forget about this girl. Nothing is ever going to change. I am not sure why I am hung up on her for such a short term thing, but I am. She impacted me much more than I thought and the quick change from passion to abrupt STOP has me off kilter.

 

I admit I found this site this week while trying to draw inspiration for the no contact and regaining my dignity.

 

Remind me why I should not waste more time thinking about a relationship of weeks.

[Mr.Pine]

I just ended a very short-term relationship (1 month).

 

You do realize it will take us longer to read your post than it would for your 1 month relationship to be played out?

 

Try a Cliffs Note version next time.

[dwerli]

Yeah, I know. Sorry. But it was therapeutic to write it too. haha.

[Mr.Pine]

Yeah, I know. Sorry. But it was therapeutic to write it too. haha.

 

Then you've been saved by your own hands. Bravo.

[dwerli]

Should I try the cliff notes?

 

I got hung up on a short term thing that ended because of the work complication. Because of that, I really will never know if there was a chance for something more and I was having a really good time until it came to a screeching halt.

 

I need to move on and forget all about it, but I will run into her again for the same problem. We work near each other.

[mammasita]

Well, my first bit is that you should NEVER date co-workers.....it makes things messy. Your situation is a textbook example. It's all fun and games in the beginning, but when it ends...and 95% of the time it does....**** goes downhill fast.

 

Aside from that, minimal contact and keep it completely business if you have to speak. In the grand scheme if things it was only 4 weeks. How long is that? Well, that's one menstrual cycle LOL

 

OK, Sorry....not trying to minimize your feelings, I know our feelings don't recognize time. Hang in there.

[dwerli]

What I am hoping for is a good kick in the ass to get my head screwed on straight again.

[Million.to.1]

I don't understand why you HAD to break-up. And others at the office are trying to set you up? Interoffice dating is obviously not frowned upon at your place of work so what was the issue exactly?

Why didn't you just get rid of the stress of sneaking around and keeping it all hush hush, and just openly date?

 

I understand why some people choose not to date coworkers, but it isn't necessarily a bad thing to do so. It totally depends on the situation and your positions, etc, but most of the time people aren't working directly together. I know 3 different couples (2 are married now) that met through working together or both worked at the same place. I know numerous couples who live and work together on yachts 24/7. Saying it's a "no no" is too black and white for me. There is plenty of grey area to work within and many people have made it work.

 

The older you get, the more likely friendships and relationships will be forged from professional connections as we don't spend all our free time going to parties and hanging out in bars like we did in our twenties.

 

You did suggest the break-up though, so she obviously thought you weren't thinking it was that serious anyway. Sounds to me like she was fishing for a little more commitment from you, and you suggested the opposite. Called ya bluff, didn't she!

[okc85]

Sometimes short-term break ups can be pretty devastating, because you have all the 'what ifs' and 'what could've been' thoughts. Eh. It happens. Don't date co-workers!

[dwerli]

I don't understand why you HAD to break-up. And others at the office are trying to set you up? Interoffice dating is obviously not frowned upon at your place of work so what was the issue exactly?

Why didn't you just get rid of the stress of sneaking around and keeping it all hush hush, and just openly date?

 

* * *

 

You did suggest the break-up though, so she obviously thought you weren't thinking it was that serious anyway. Sounds to me like she was fishing for a little more commitment from you, and you suggested the opposite. Called ya bluff, didn't she!

 

Actually, that is what I said in that telephone conversation that evening, so I do not think she was fishing for MORE commitment. I think I just ended up on the short end of the decision about whether I was worth it. It was TOO much commitment to openly declare a relationship for her. I was fine with openly declaring a relationship.

[Million.to.1]

oh well. Move on then I guess. That's your only option really.

[dwerli]

oh well. Move on then I guess. That's your only option really.

 

Yes, that is what I already should know. I just have to give in to this. Those "what ifs" plague you!

[dwerli]

I guess I am more just using this thread to get out a few thoughts, because I should know the answers.

 

Anyway, I am just going to update that I have been doing well with NC and it does work wonders. One of the great benefits of NC is that it allows YOU to write the story. In other words, in my mind I can think what I want about how much she must really regret ending things so easily...etc.

 

But the problem is when you actually do run into them. Today was an mandatory all office meeting. I managed to do great without actually even seeing her in the meeting, but I accidentally got into the same elevator after the meeting. Uggggggggg. Just a head not to acknowledge her and about the same from her. Luckily there was another coworker in the elevator too that I could have a brief conversation with and appear completely normal.

 

But the problem is then in trying to stop my brain from trying to interpret each body gesture of a 30 second elevator ride. Yuck. I like the much more powerful feeling I get from avoiding her completely and then thinking she is really missing me. That gets me through the down moments.

[todreaminblue]

I guess I am more just using this thread to get out a few thoughts, because I should know the answers.

 

Anyway, I am just going to update that I have been doing well with NC and it does work wonders. One of the great benefits of NC is that it allows YOU to write the story. In other words, in my mind I can think what I want about how much she must really regret ending things so easily...etc.

 

But the problem is when you actually do run into them. Today was an mandatory all office meeting. I managed to do great without actually even seeing her in the meeting, but I accidentally got into the same elevator after the meeting. Uggggggggg. Just a head not to acknowledge her and about the same from her. Luckily there was another coworker in the elevator too that I could have a brief conversation with and appear completely normal.

 

But the problem is then in trying to stop my brain from trying to interpret each body gesture of a 30 second elevator ride. Yuck. I like the much more powerful feeling I get from avoiding her completely and then thinking she is really missing me. That gets me through the down moments.

 

 

You do know the answers you know, its recognising them thats hard, following through even harder,one suggestion I would give is what would you tell someone you cherished,in a similar situation to do?

 

Because whatever that answer is, is the answer for you too that answer you would give a cherished friend or family member, would be an answer from your heart so don't doubt it....

 

 

break ups are hard no matter the amount of time spent...i wish you well....deb

[dwerli]

Since I guess I continue to know the answers, I will just keep "journaling" here. I have managed to keep NC for almost a complete week.

 

Today the ex sent me an email at about 3:30 this afternoon. Tomorrow is "Take Your Daughter to Work Day." She emailed me to ask "if I could introduce the two of you or no?"

I responded with "I would like that. Thanks for asking."

 

Obviously, I am assuming that the email was "courtesy" to let me know about that and to make sure I would not act strangely. It is common practice at the office when someone's kids come in to introduce them around and it would have looked odd to skipped me. After a week of NC, I am actually doing better. It is amazing how helpful that is.

 

But I will confess, when I first saw that I had an email from her and during the day, my heart flipped. Of course, it is also ironic to me that I will meet her child like this when we had discussed earlier waiting on meeting each other's children while we were dating. Ohhh the irony.

[dwerli]

OK. I met the kid and saw the ex today. I am really not sure how to feel about it. In many ways, I feel like it really set me back on my recovery and certainly on the NC. Not only did I get the introduction this morning which lasted a little longer than a simple introduction, but then I made the mistake (so I think now) of sending an email later this morning saying Thanks for doing that. I enjoyed it. That prompted the ex to respond to me this afternoon with an email saying she was enjoyed introducing us. and signed it off "bye for now."

 

Then to top it off, I ended up getting in the elevator at the end of the day with both of them (and some others as well). All of that is too much contact and has my brain spinning again as to what it all means, etc. But that is exactly what I should NOT be thinking about. I am recommitting to NC (as much as possible considering the work environment).

 

I guess I will forgive myself a little bit because the LC kept anything from seeming awkward to her kid.

 

I will also say that later I thought it was a little cruel of her to introduce her kid to me this way. That is giving me some renewed strength for NC.

[BlueIris]

Tough situation. Hey, people do things that are bad judgment but feel/felt great in the moment. If you really want to stop the hamster-wheel thinking, shift to the other “what-ifs.”

The risk to your career, your reputation.

Sexual harassment possibilities? Maybe the EEOC specter?

Advancement?

Rumors and distraction.

Inability to work effectively with support staff in the future.

 

Think of it as aversion therapy.

 

Or… you two could go public. But I’d talk to my supervisor about it first, or HR. Just that thought could be aversion therapy.

[dwerli]

Tough situation. Hey, people do things that are bad judgment but feel/felt great in the moment. If you really want to stop the hamster-wheel thinking, shift to the other “what-ifs.”

The risk to your career, your reputation.

Sexual harassment possibilities? Maybe the EEOC specter?

Advancement?

Rumors and distraction.

Inability to work effectively with support staff in the future.

 

Think of it as aversion therapy.

 

Or… you two could go public. But I’d talk to my supervisor about it first, or HR. Just that thought could be aversion therapy.

 

I am assuming you missed my post that I was OK with going public. The problem is she did not think it was worth it.

[dwerli]

Back to a good NC. Did not see the ex at all, but that is only one day. Sometimes time moves so slowly.

 

On a different note, I had a date tonight. Trying to move on and all of that. I just have one comment: DATING BLOWS! What good is it to have someone that is into you when you are not into them. I think she was really down that I did not try and kiss her at the end of the date.