If you're questioning No Contact...

[somegoodman]

From a male perspective...

It doesn't matter how "unique" your situation is. There is no drawback to going No Contact. It is a win/win for you even if you feel like a loser.

If you stay NC you can't do anything wrong, and anything you "try" will always be wrong. If she never reaches out it means the relationship wasn't going to work anyway.

If she does care about you then she won't be able to handle you not caring about her. She will break eventually and contact you. It won't happen as long as you're expecting it so just know you're doing the right thing and work on detaching from her.

If you want a shot at reconciliation, go No Contact, it really is that simple.

[Thomas the Red Fox]

Breaking NC ends bad all the time...

 

It's just a bad idea to break.

 

 

I waited until I was in another relationship and broke NC. Thought I could absorb the blow at that point.

 

Well, negative.

 

She told me she got into a new relationship 2 weeks after we broke up, and moved in with him a week later, and they're really happy now.

 

Broken NC in a few past relationships, never ended up good with any of them.

[d0nnivain]

From a male perspective...

It doesn't matter how "unique" your situation is. There is no drawback to going No Contact. It is a win/win for you even if you feel like a loser.

If you stay NC you can't do anything wrong, and anything you "try" will always be wrong. If she never reaches out it means the relationship wasn't going to work anyway.

If she does care about you then she won't be able to handle you not caring about her. She will break eventually and contact you. It won't happen as long as you're expecting it so just know you're doing the right thing and work on detaching from her.

If you want a shot at reconciliation, go No Contact, it really is that simple.

 

 

No! The above is a misapplication of NC. It's for you to heal not win somebody back.

 

 

If you want a reconciliation, reach out & talk to the other person & work together to resolve whatever send you to splitsville in the 1st place.

[somegoodman]

 

 

If you want a reconciliation, reach out & talk to the other person & work together to resolve whatever send you to splitsville in the 1st place.

 

No, that will never work. You couldn't possibly be more wrong. You can't negotiate desire.

[d0nnivain]

No, that will never work. You couldn't possibly be more wrong. You can't negotiate desire.

 

 

You cannot negotiate desire. But desire when the underlying relationship was terminally dysfunctional doesn't help either.

 

 

 

 

If the relationship broke & one person fixed whatever was wrong, that can & should be discussed.

 

 

To misuse NC to lure somebody back is game playing.

[BC1980]

No, that will never work. You couldn't possibly be more wrong. You can't negotiate desire.

 

You're right, but NC doesn't work either. It only works to get the other person's curiosity piqued, so they reach out. The same old problems arise of you don't talk about them.

[somegoodman]

 

 

To misuse NC to lure somebody back is game playing.

 

you're right, it is game playing. And relationships are a game, no question. Life is a game. Relationships are about power, not compromise, not equality.

[KaliLove]

From a male perspective...

It doesn't matter how "unique" your situation is. There is no drawback to going No Contact. It is a win/win for you even if you feel like a loser.

If you stay NC you can't do anything wrong, and anything you "try" will always be wrong. If she never reaches out it means the relationship wasn't going to work anyway.

If she does care about you then she won't be able to handle you not caring about her. She will break eventually and contact you. It won't happen as long as you're expecting it so just know you're doing the right thing and work on detaching from her.

If you want a shot at reconciliation, go No Contact, it really is that simple.

 

So basically..what you're saying is that guys who want their girlfriends back should wait around patiently with their d*cks hermetically sealed in jars for their exes to call them. Awesome advice!

[somegoodman]

So basically..what you're saying is that guys who want their girlfriends back should wait around patiently with their d*cks hermetically sealed in jars for their exes to call them. Awesome advice!

 

No, I didn't say that but it is amusing to watch you project. Please do continue.

 

No Contact is the best way to move on and it is also the best way to get her back. Simple as.

[Simon Phoenix]

You cannot negotiate desire. But desire when the underlying relationship was terminally dysfunctional doesn't help either.

 

 

 

 

If the relationship broke & one person fixed whatever was wrong, that can & should be discussed.

 

 

To misuse NC to lure somebody back is game playing.

 

That should be talked about when the relationship is still going. Once it has been broken, the time for those discussions is past. Now I'm not saying go NC to "wait them out", but going for the nuts and bolts discussion after the breakup has been executed is not going to go well.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

I will debate the whole NC thing until the cows come home.. I dont think its appropriate in every situation and I also think it can be detrimental to a reunion (if thats what u want) but one thing that I will say is that I heard a saying on here (when things were raw) which stuck in my mind and I try to remember it every time I want to send a text etc and that is "you cant do anything wrong by doing nothing"... its true x

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I will debate the whole NC thing until the cows come home.. I dont think its appropriate in every situation and I also think it can be detrimental to a reunion (if thats what u want) but one thing that I will say is that I heard a saying on here (when things were raw) which stuck in my mind and I try to remember it every time I want to send a text etc and that is "you cant do anything wrong by doing nothing"... its true x

 

Really? So if they break up with you, then you should keep contacting them for a possible reconciliation?

 

NC ISNT the only way to go, but its easily the smartest.

 

To the OP's point, he is right. NC should never be used as a tool to get anyone back. If you are using it that way, youre wasting your own time and life. With that said, obviously keep talking to them and asking them to reconcile all the time will only push them away. The ONLY way a dumper is wanting to "get back" with the dumpee is if they want to. NC isnt going to magically make them go "oh yeah, I should have stayed with him/her" If its going to happen, its only going to happen if you let THEM figure it out and thus NO CONTACT would be that way. Does it happen?

 

Again, not a reason to use no contact. THATS TO MOVE ON. The OP gets that.

 

As Simon said, the time for discussing what went wrong and mending a relationship is done when the relationship is. It falls on the two parties involved to not talk about their issues while IN a relationship.

[SCJACK]

NC is to move on and heal. It's not used to get them back, but isn't it the best chance to have them come back? If there's any chance of reconciliation, you'd basically had to be NC and disappear until they decide if they want to come back. Talking to them will push them away. What I mean is, NC is the best way to move on, heal, and have the greatest chance of reconciliation even if you don't intend to reconciliate with them. Is that correct?

[Simon Phoenix]

NC is to move on and heal. It's not used to get them back, but isn't it the best chance to get them back? If there's any chance of reconciliation, you'd basically had to be NC and disappear until they decide if they want to come back. Talking to them will push them away. What I mean is, NC is the best way to move on, heal, and have the greatest chance of reconciliation even if you don't intend to reconciliate with them. Is that correct?

 

Yep, it can serve as the best shot to get someone back, but if you use it for that purpose, you are setting yourself up for a world of pain. If you use NC for what it's meant to do, to heal and move forward, you make yourself more attractive, and sometimes your ex is one of the people attracted to the new you. But that's not a guarantee.

[Haydn]

The amount of time i have been here and read about NC. The in`s and out`s. I can say it does work for moving on for yourself. When i applied it properly i really saw that my ex did not give a .... really. Then i saw the things i was really useful for, for her. I helped her last week but have remained NC for such a long time it was like helping a distant member of the the family. There is no longer any need for me to be curious about her. I works but there is no time limit, its all individual.

[SCJACK]

Yep, it can serve as the best shot to get someone back, but if you use it for that purpose, you are setting yourself up for a world of pain. If you use NC for what it's meant to do, to heal and move forward, you make yourself more attractive, and sometimes your ex is one of the people attracted to the new you. But that's not a guarantee.

 

What about low contact? Assuming they are the ones to reach out first, could I keep it simple and not have expectations? People don't really like being ignored, and I'm not the type to burn bridges. I'm not cheap either or want to be a doormat, reply to be nice about it and not stoop down to a selfish level. That's just the way I was taught "Treat others the way you want to be treated"

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

What about low contact? Assuming they are the ones to reach out first, could I keep it simple and not have expectations? People don't really like being ignored, and I'm not the type to burn bridges. I'm not cheap either or want to be a doormat, reply to be nice about it and not stoop down to a selfish level. That's just the way I was taught "Treat others the way you want to be treated"

 

Since you're asking this question,you KNOW you have expectations.

[somegoodman]

What about low contact? Assuming they are the ones to reach out first, could I keep it simple and not have expectations? People don't really like being ignored, and I'm not the type to burn bridges. I'm not cheap either or want to be a doormat, reply to be nice about it and not stoop down to a selfish level. That's just the way I was taught "Treat others the way you want to be treated"

 

who cares what she likes? people don't like to be dumped either but that didn't stop her

[oracle]

You use NC because its DONE.

 

The minute u have the problems and it ends.. its DONE. Going back will give the same results.

 

Its all a F'ing waste of time at that point.... thats why you go NC.

 

Take it from someone who has:

 

1) gone back after being dumped 1 year in.

2) had the same result play out the same way 13 years later.

3) have to live with the ex for 3.5yrs while 'done' during the divorce.

 

Nothing you can say think or do will change anything or the fact that the relationship doesn't work, and they ended it with you already once. ...

 

Anything other than NC is a waste of your time and life.

 

Don't think in what ifs and whys. Its just spinning your wheels. The minute those thoughts come into your head.. change the channel. Think about your bathtub and how you need to recaulk it. Then do it.

[Simon Phoenix]

What about low contact? Assuming they are the ones to reach out first, could I keep it simple and not have expectations? People don't really like being ignored, and I'm not the type to burn bridges. I'm not cheap either or want to be a doormat, reply to be nice about it and not stoop down to a selfish level. That's just the way I was taught "Treat others the way you want to be treated"

 

Not until you are completely healed and indifferent, which you aren't. And honestly, your last sentence made me cringe because it's not coming from an honest place. You don't want to "treat others the way you want to be treated" you want the go-ahead to chase and pursue.

[BC1980]

What about low contact? Assuming they are the ones to reach out first, could I keep it simple and not have expectations? People don't really like being ignored, and I'm not the type to burn bridges. I'm not cheap either or want to be a doormat, reply to be nice about it and not stoop down to a selfish level. That's just the way I was taught "Treat others the way you want to be treated"

 

What about treating yourself the way you would treat others? How could you best respect yourself? Also, all relationships have expectations on both sides. the problem occurs when those expectations are not the same, which is likely when you have to exes.

[bluegreen]

You're right, but NC doesn't work either. It only works to get the other person's curiosity piqued, so they reach out. The same old problems arise of you don't talk about them.

 

 

 

And since after dumping you their interest in you is about on scale of zero

It matters not if they get curious you will just get one or few pathetic crumbs and thats it.

 

NC is for moving on not mind games !!!!

You won't win they did they dumped you so that ship has sailed.

You simply can get to keep some self respect pride and dignity and stay away move on one day and time will come when you could not care less about their existence ...