Ex is depressed and inappropriately reaching out [updates]

[Smurf03]

My boyfriend of 4 and a half years broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We had a silly fight, which seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back, and he broke up with me over the duration of a phone call. He hadn’t planned this to happen, he literally came to the decision over our conversation. The day before he was telling me how much he loved me and couldn’t wait to see me.

 

We met when I was 17 and he 21. We had a relationship full of ups and downs, but we loved each other very much. His reasons for breaking up were: he couldn’t let go of the bad times, he needed to be alone just now to focus on his career, he thinks I could be happier with someone else. We had been long distance for the past 7 months or so, and it had worked fairly well. I told him (long before the relationship ended) that I thought this long distance would be good us, we had gotten perspective and we’d have a healthier relationship, to which he whole heartedly agreed with. During our long distance, he had became needier and his love for me seemed to grow. This break up came out of the blue for me completely. And no he 100% hasn’t met someone else.

 

We met up to ‘end things properly’, about a week after he broke up with me over the phone. He was more emotional than me, and if anyone was to see us, you wouldn’t know who had broken up with who! He told me in person that he still loved me and it was so hard, but he couldn’t be in our relationship, just now. He said over the phone ‘maybe in 5 years time….’ (im obviously not waiting around for 5 years!!).

 

The thing is, if he had tried to break up this time last year, I would have accepted it and understood it. But he broke up with me literally a week before he was coming back home, to our new and healthier relationship. I have changed a lot (for myself) and I truly believed we were about to enter a great chapter of our relationship. The last time we saw each other, which was when I visited him for a weekend in feburary, we had a great time. That’s why I am taking this so hard.

 

He can be quite a depressive person, and I was looking through our texts a from a month ago, where he was saying things like ‘we can work, I’m nearly home, I love you so much’. And it hit me just how much all this does not add up. I’m worried about him. What should I do? Should I completely leave him alone or not? I have my head screwed on and am doing all the right things to cope with this, going out lots, exercising etc. Is this a confusing situation or am I just thinking it is in my head and not letting go properly?

[d0nnivain]

My 1st thought was that there was somebody else. I don't usually go there 1st but the timing seemed to be going that way, until you said he was coming home & the distance was ending.

 

Perhaps it's a life change / transition thing & your relationship has run it's course. He may be thinking about marriage & for some reason concluded that he's not ready but doesn't see another way out. He could just have decided that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you but he doesn't dislike you or want to see you unhappy, hence his tears.

 

Only he knows why but it seems like he doesn't have the words to give you more than he has already said.

 

You have to do what is best for you to heal. You can not worry about him at this point.

 

I'd leave him be but reach out about a week or so after he gets settled back at home. See if the emotions are less raw & you can get more out of him.

[Smurf03]

My 1st thought was that there was somebody else. I don't usually go there 1st but the timing seemed to be going that way, until you said he was coming home & the distance was ending.

 

Perhaps it's a life change / transition thing & your relationship has run it's course. He may be thinking about marriage & for some reason concluded that he's not ready but doesn't see another way out. He could just have decided that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you but he doesn't dislike you or want to see you unhappy, hence his tears.

 

Only he knows why but it seems like he doesn't have the words to give you more than he has already said.

 

You have to do what is best for you to heal. You can not worry about him at this point.

 

I'd leave him be but reach out about a week or so after he gets settled back at home. See if the emotions are less raw & you can get more out of him.

 

Thanks for your response

 

He did say that he wasn't sure that he ever wanted to get married or have kids, he just needed to feel it. He most definitely doesn't want kids for another 6 years. I asked him if he could imagine me with anyone else, and he said the thought of me even having kids with anyone else hurts him a lot. I asked him if he could imagine having kids with me, he said yes.

 

I told him that I said i wish we'd met right now instead of when we did, and he agreed. I think it's a case of right person, wrong time.

 

It's his birthday tomorrow. I have to wish him happy birthday, should I reach out or just leave it at happy birthday?

[Smurf03]

Thanks for your response

 

He did say that he wasn't sure that he ever wanted to get married or have kids, he just needed to feel it. He most definitely doesn't want kids for another 6 years. I asked him if he could imagine me with anyone else, and he said the thought of me even having kids with anyone else hurts him a lot. I asked him if he could imagine having kids with me, he said yes.

 

I told him that I said i wish we'd met right now instead of when we did, and he agreed. I think it's a case of right person, wrong time.

 

It's his birthday tomorrow. I have to wish him happy birthday, should I reach out or just leave it at happy birthday?

 

Also, he told me that he loved me when we met up to say goodbye. Less than a month ago he was talking like we were in this was the long haul. Seems very random him deciding he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with me. He also seemed desperate to stay in contact. We've been NC since meeting up tho.

[d0nnivain]

I'd send him birthday wishes. If you want to fix this ignoring a milestone won't work. But don't be overly solicitous. Wait until he comes to you or get settled at home

[sooshi]

Smurf, I'm sorry that you're hurting. The breakup is recent and your feelings are still fresh, but I think you're doing well.

 

Sometimes the reasons we get for the end of a relationship don't seem to add up. Sometimes the person breaking things off don't really know why they're ending it, and come up with the reasons they can think of. What we do know is that he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. This could mean he doesn't want to be in one with you specifically (might've fallen out of love, etc.) or he doesn't want to be in one at all. You both got into a long-term relationship at a very young age, and he may be wanting to have the freedom that comes with being single.

 

It could be one or a combination of reasons... we don't know. We do know that he has made his choice though, and to help you heal, it would be best to leave him alone completely. If he decides he wants to reconcile, you can hear him out and see how you feel then. Don't count on this happening though. Keep doing what you're doing to cope and heal.

 

As for the birthday: it may be best to just say nothing at all. He'll reach out if he wants to communicate.

[Smurf03]

I'd send him birthday wishes. If you want to fix this ignoring a milestone won't work. But don't be overly solicitous. Wait until he comes to you or get settled at home

 

Is saying something along the lines of 'hope you're doing well, if you ever want to chat just give me a call' too solicitous?! My friends are divided on this one haha

[Smurf03]

Smurf, I'm sorry that you're hurting. The breakup is recent and your feelings are still fresh, but I think you're doing well.

 

Sometimes the reasons we get for the end of a relationship don't seem to add up. Sometimes the person breaking things off don't really know why they're ending it, and come up with the reasons they can think of. What we do know is that he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. This could mean he doesn't want to be in one with you specifically (might've fallen out of love, etc.) or he doesn't want to be in one at all. You both got into a long-term relationship at a very young age, and he may be wanting to have the freedom that comes with being single.

 

It could be one or a combination of reasons... we don't know. We do know that he has made his choice though, and to help you heal, it would be best to leave him alone completely. If he decides he wants to reconcile, you can hear him out and see how you feel then. Don't count on this happening though. Keep doing what you're doing to cope and heal.

 

As for the birthday: it may be best to just say nothing at all. He'll reach out if he wants to communicate.

 

Thanks sooshi I know 3 things for sure: he is still In love with me, he hasn't met anyone else and he doesn't want to be with me just now. I'm just worried about him.

[Smurf03]

Thanks sooshi I know 3 things for sure: he is still In love with me, he hasn't met anyone else and he doesn't want to be with me just now. I'm just worried about him.

 

Oh and also that his career is VERY demanding and important to him.

[sooshi]

I understand that you're worried about him. You said he gets into depressive moods. I have felt concerned about my ex-fiance as well because he also suffers from periods of depression, but he doesn't want me to reach out to him. If your ex wants to communicate with you, he will.

 

Keep doing what you're doing. He may choose to want to be with you later on, and if that happens, you can discuss its possibility. He may not choose to be with you at a later time; be prepared for this. Either way, keep working on healing yourself. You're doing great.

[Smurf03]

**Threads merged by moderation to keep it easy to follow**

 

I posted my break up situation on this recently, but now I've accepted it I am worrying whether or not my outlook is healthy?! My ex boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago. To cut a long story short, it was out of the blue (the day before he was telling me he loved me, couldn't imagine life without me etc) his reasons were that he loves me but needs to be alone to focus on his career, he appreciates that we have both grown into each other (we met when I was 17 and he 21) but can't let go of the bad times yet. We had been long distance for the past 7months, and I had changed A LOT, for myself, in ways that I truely believed would be healthier for our relationship, but he didn't get to see that. He broke up with me a week before coming home, a moment we were both so desperately looking forward to the day before the break up. And no he 100000% has NOT met someone else. He desperately said that he would love to stay in contact because he wants to be there for me. He also said 'maybe in 5 years time...'.

 

So, I've started the healing process. Doing all the right things etc. however, sometimes I catch myself feeling happy, thinking this could be a good thing, a year or so of space to do our own things, then we'll be ready for each other. A year or two doesn't seem a long time.

 

I know I can't rely on that and I don't plan to wait on him at all, I'm just not ready for anyone else and won't be for a while anyway. Is this a case of I should let myself feel what I need to feel to get through the day just now? Or how should I look forward? Also...what do you think the chances are of us getting back together at some point?

Edited April 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaraMaiden]

Honey, you're all over the place.

 

First of all, read the NC Guide in my signature, inscribe it word for word on your heart, memorise it and live by it.

 

You're broken up.

He's your ex, and as such, all thought of future possibilities of reconnecting should be as far from your head as anything possibly could be.

[Smurf03]

Thanks Tara I really do 100% believe what you are saying, I do. But I can't help but also consider that people break up and successfully get back together a lot. I mean look at prince William and Kate Middleton haha!

 

However I have embraced NC and am doing all the right things to heal. I am trying hard to eliminate false hope. However there's a curve ball...today is his birthday. Ignoring it is not an option, but considering what angle to approach it at...?

[TaraMaiden]

No.

Ignoring it is THE only sensible and advised option.

You do precisely that.

 

You do NOT say, do or give anything to him, for his birthday.

THAT - is the one and only angle of approach.

[Ph123]

I can fully empathize with what you're going through, having just recently ended my relationship. I know this sounds almost impossible right now, but believe me once you cut contact and let yourself heal you will move on. Might he come back at some point? Absolutely. Chances are though, if you let yourself heal and grow, if he does come back, you won't even want him.

 

This just happened to me, an ex of mine whom I was desperately in love with when I was around your age, came back to me after almost 10 years. However, I am so not the same person that I was back then and I have truly moved on so I had no interest in re-igniting a relationship where the person had already left me once.

 

As for his birthday, at the most, an e-mail or text, just saying 'happy birthday' nothing else. You have got to cut ties with him, which I know is super painful (going through that right now too) and it hurts but imagine being in touch with him and then seeing him with a new girl - which will eventually happen. Let yourself heal first and in a few months if you still want him in your life, you can attempt to be friends but until you are completely over him, there is nothing in it but more hurt for you.

 

Let it go, give yourself some time, grieve as much as you need to but then get out and about, meet new people, date.. chances are, you will meet someone who is much better for you and the person you are now.

[BC1980]

Don't ever wait around for someone else. That's demeaning to your worth. Go NC. This is over, so no birthday message. It will make you look pitiful and set you back emotionally.

[Smurf03]

Thanks guys I completely believe in everything you're saying. Its difficult though, because the objective opinions and subjective opinions are clashing. Everyone I've talked to who knows us both, doesn't even consider ignoring his birthday to be an option, and don't even like the thought of me being really cold with just a happy birthday. Whereas that's what most of you are strongly suggesting. Confused!!

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks guys I completely believe in everything you're saying. Its difficult though, because the objective opinions and subjective opinions are clashing. Everyone I've talked to who knows us both, doesn't even consider ignoring his birthday to be an option, and don't even like the thought of me being really cold with just a happy birthday. Whereas that's what most of you are strongly suggesting. Confused!!

And that's where the problem lies....

 

The 'people who know you both', are emotionally invested.

That is, they have gotten to know you both, and are speaking from a position of the heart.

 

we take a look at what you have given us, and relying on extensive personal and discursive (forum) experience, (having seen this very thing happen countless times before, with many other people) and give you factual, unemotive and logical advice.

 

Take ours.

Don't be confused, because in matters where a decision to act or not act upon something, is required, you cannot base it on emotional reason.

you MUST exercise a logical approach.

And sending birthday greetings to someone who has instigated a separation, is not logical.

[Smurf03]

I suppose, harsh but true. What are the chances of me saying happy birthday changing his mind. I'm assuming a very slim chance to zero chance haha.

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah:

 

Two Hopes: 'Bob' and 'No'.

[Smurf03]

So I was an idiot and text today wishing him happy birthday. His reply:

 

Im glad u text I really wanted you to text. Its been a ****e birthday. Did nothing now off to cinema. Hope your well. May call you some point this week if u fancy?

 

Guessing I am being majorly bread crumbed?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

So I was an idiot and text today wishing him happy birthday. His reply:

 

Im glad u text I really wanted you to text. Its been a ****e birthday. Did nothing now off to cinema. Hope your well. May call you some point this week if u fancy?

 

Guessing I am being majorly bread crumbed?

 

Yup (ten characters)

[forever_lost]

So I was an idiot and text today wishing him happy birthday. His reply:

 

Im glad u text I really wanted you to text. Its been a ****e birthday. Did nothing now off to cinema. Hope your well. May call you some point this week if u fancy?

 

Guessing I am being majorly bread crumbed?

 

Hooooooly crap that's one giant breadcrumb. Seriously. Don't choke on that one.

 

He had a bad bday and it's in the moment. Don't respond; if he really wants to call you, he will.

[Smurf03]

I know right!!!! I never thought he'd be so selfish. Like what the heck. Never in a million years did I predict this.

[Smurf03]

So I took the advice of my friends and ended up being dealt another massive blow by being majorly bread crumbed. He asked to meet up, I flat out asked his intentions. Turns out he's super depressed and alone and needed to talk to me. He thought we could start being friends. Although he misses me, he still can't be in a relationship just now. He can maybe see us working in the future but not yet. I am so annoyed with myself. I regret my reply because I was far far too nice. Yes I don't want him to get more depressed, but he doesn't deserve my sympathy now. Here was my last message:

 

Okay. Listen, just concentrate on yourself. Be happy. I don't think we're a million miles away from being friends, but now is too soon. Although I'm not waiting on you (So if you ever feel ready for me, don't hold back. Go for it.) sometimes I feel like this could do us good and we will be great together one day. You are a good person, don't be sad. Will meet up soon, but this was too soon silly haha. I'd still be up for chatting on the phone if it would make you feel better, now that I know the boundaries. I honestly would like that. A friendly chat, but the last one for a wee while. Let me know either way.

 

REGRET!! He hasn't replied anyway. And he won't if he's got any shred of decency left.

Any tips on how to cope with this situation? I plan to continue on my road to recovery, but any specific help in this situation would be sooo greatly appreciated.