Marco Valerio Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Hi everyone: Some years ago I met a really nice girl (she has eating disorders), we started dating some months later. From the beginning I saw things I didn’t like about her, about her actions towards me and other boys. When we got to 5 month “anniversary” I caught her cheating on me. She was acting very nervous (I was playing with her phone) saw that was a red flag,. I decided to pick her mobile and read some messages. When I got to a conversation with boy call “Charles” she started saying he was a boy with some trouble and she was helping him (quite strange because I never heard of him). I didn´t like it at all, so I ran as fast as I could and locked myself in the bathroom…what I read broke my heart. In those messages she said things to the boy like she didn´t regret what happened the night before, that she was looking forward to see him and stuff like that. The messages kept going for a week. I was devastated. I confronted her and she said stupid things, she also said that she loved me and it had been a mistake. I drove her to her house and left her there. I cried and cried that night as I have never done before, not even when my father died. The next day I called her to speak to her (I was in a very bad situation, I was afraid of everything). She said she loved me and she wanted me back, that she had done the worse mistake in her life. After all that curb I heard I decided to give her another chance, it was more because of me than because of her. The weeks when pass and everything looked going pretty well. Until I discovered months after the “incident” that she was talking to a male friend about sex, to be more specific…imagine the situation where the friend tells my GF that he masturbates at nights thinking about her. My question is? How the **** do you get to that point? For sure she was speaking about nasty stuff with him. So I got very cross and angry and told her that couldn’t happen again. Later on I discovered that this boy “stole” a kiss from her one night =( The months kept passing and we reached our first anniversary. We had discussed a lot because she will keep talking to an specific boy until late at night and she would lie to me about it. After the year she started acting less supportive and loving. After some months it was worst, she wouldn’t take care of me at all…so we decided to end the relationship. Now it has been 4 months since then… Why after all I have been thru I can´t move on? I have no contact with her, but I do miss her badly. I do feel she is still the one. I gave her everything I had, I helped her with her illness more than I could, did everything for her...and she treated me like that…why?
Strength in Healing Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 That's messed up, sorry to hear you went through all that brother... Many reasons why it could be hard to move on. Ego, the pain, the fact you think she has a good side or that she can be saved... The point is, you didn't deserve that. You deserve someone who is honest, don't you? Someone who is loyal? You can do better my friend 1
Author Marco Valerio Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 It might be that, I find quite difficult to accept that the girl that I thought she was doesn't exist. She lied so many times, I really thought it was all because of her illness, but I can see that I was wrong. She lied so much and she was nasty to me because she is like that, maybe the illness helps...but I think that is also her nature. Thanks very much.
mangetout Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 The first thing you need to do is get it out your head that she is "the one". No she is not Marco. You like the idea of her but the real her cheats on you and hurts you really badly. She is emotionally immature and needs some serious growing up to do before she commits to a person. Is this the type of person you really want to settle for? If she doesn't address her behaviour she will carry on cheating and hurting others. You still want to hang around for that? Look I was cheated on and my God it hurts. I thought he was the one too. Infact I took him back but too much damage was done. A year later it ended, after a lot of fighting. Please start focusing on yourself. You have a lot to offer the right girl. She isn't right for you. Far from it. And if you think she is then you suffer from very low self esteem. Why do you think you deserve this. You shouldn't. 1
hestheone66 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Either with her, or with you. She most likely, if she has eating disorders, needs professional help. When you fall in love with someone with a mental illness you realise that you are trying to make sense of a situation where you will never be able to get answers that satisfy you. Learn from it that 1) if someone betrays you for any reason don't be quick to get back with them... they need to work very hard to regain your trust. If you take them back after a heartfelt apology, your value decreases in their eyes. They know they did bad and instead of punishing them, they are forgiven without any effort on their part. Things we don't work for, we don't value and we lose interest. 2) you could consider professional counselling to understand why you were so giving at the expense of your own happiness. just some thoughts for you to help you move on. 2
AtTheStart Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Man, I feel for your situation. Know Im right there with you. Only 3 weeks in and Im realizing YOU CANT SUFFER for anyone. I know that might not feel like what's in your heart...that you would and were suffering for her because she was worth it but she's gotta figure / LOVE herself on her own. You can't fix someone. I am a health care professional and ED is completely centered around a lack of self-love. Which is sad, totally sad, but it's SELF-love...without it people are going to do *anything without rational thought* to get it if they're suffering from ED or trying to suffer no longer. Whatever the reason I was dumped...I spent 2 years trying to get a girl with an ED to love herself...I lost myself...my own identity in a relationship where I was trying to show her YOU ARE SO LOVABLE!! Now sure my intentions were good and admirable but while doing that it started to smother her. I actually became AFC because I wanted to make her first serious relationship "easy" for her, stopped at all being a mystery or challenge. I thought I was doing her a favor when in reality I was doing a relationship no favors. Who knows maybe she's finally starting to love herself so realized "I dont want this smothering anymore" Ive realized that our relationship was never on a BETWEEN two people level. I mean yes, it was...but I loved her so much I got lost (never done that before in a relationship) in "aaaaaah you're so lovable, see it, live it!" No one wants to hear the there's someone out there. But GET EXCITED...someone is out there who is completely ready to love you, accept you as is, reciprocate, and NEVER let you go! You will get there. For now, free yourself from the suffering. Love yourself and get ready to meet the love of your life. 1
AtTheStart Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 But seriously...your description is mine to a T....started "watching a movie with another guy...downplayed..." POOF. After 2 years of nothing but eyes for me. Listen to your gut when crap like that starts to happen...you dont deserve anything but to stay true to you. It's not the ED....the ED just perhaps contributed to never being able to develop integrity or loyalty. Or just who she is doesn't contain those qualities yet. Or she does have loyalty...to herself. It's hard to face, for me it is at times, but feelings change. The best thing you can do is improve your life and become a man who will welcome love and attract many potential partners to find the one truly accepting of your love. You got this, Im rooting for us both! 1
Author Marco Valerio Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 Hi mangetout, you are totally right, she is emotionally immature and needs growing up. But I always thought this could be done with me in her life. Also as you say, I don´t want that kind of behavior in my life, I don’t want the cheating and the lies…I want someone that values me and respects me. I find quite difficult not giving a chance or an opportunity to redeem others bad actions. They have always told me that love has ups and downs, that you have to be prepared to forgive…maybe I´m getting lost in my thoughts, and this type of behavior should never be forgiven. How do you know if it’s worth to forgive? All the nasty things she did to me made me suffer of a low self esteem, I started thinking I wasn’t good enough for her…”reason why she cheated on me”…and stuff like that. What I don’t really understand is how someone could hurt others like that, without any compassion or empathy. Thanks for your answer. Hi hestheone66: Sometimes I really think love is like playing “Risk” or “Monopoly”, you have to have your strategy. I can also assume that people that do not love themselves can’t ever love others right. I know I did really wrong going after her the day after I discovered the cheating. I was so afraid of “losing her”. Do you know what she said to me that day? She would not delete the boy’s number because she was afraid of the idea the boy could get of her (I told her to write a text to the boy saying she cheated his boyfriend with him). I did so many wrong things with her, she didn’t deserve all the things I did for her, all the stuff I helped her with (family issues, illness...) Thanks for your answer.
Author Marco Valerio Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 (edited) Hi AtTheStart: I feel everything you said. I lost myself in the relationship, my priority was her. I did whatever I could to help her with her ED, cheer her up every day, talking to her parents (because they didn’t treat her very well), going to her house every single day, went to see her when she was feeling low (even if it was late at night), wrote her letters and notes I would hide in her room so she could find them, helping her buying clothes to make her feel comfortable. I left myself apart just to help her to make her happy; I gave her all my heart… I wasn’t expecting the same from her, but I would never had thought all the things she did to me. When we were dating just for one month she told me she had anorexia (despite I already knew), I said to her - Don’t worry I would not feel different about you or the relationship. Now I feel I was wrong, I should have never gone into the relationship. Thanks very much for your answer. I wish you lots of happiness !!! Edited April 4, 2014 by Marco Valerio 1
Author Marco Valerio Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Hi everyone: Today she sent me a message in a friendly way and I answered back in a nice way too. Just wanted to know how everything was going. She knows that tomorrow is my best friend's wedding...maybe she wanted to use that excuse to catch up... I know I would never get back with the person she is, no way...but I can't be nasty to her or ignore her...it's not my nature. What do you think?
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