Serious anxiety - dumped after losing virginity

[StevenJPG]

Hi - sorry this might be a long post but I'm not sure how to sum it up quicker. I'll try and be as brief and accurate as possible.

 

I went out with a girl for 4 years while at university, and she left me for another guy on my birthday. During that relationship, we didn't have full sex. I was happy waiting, thinking that if we were to be together for life (she spoke about marriage and kids and living together) there was no rush.

 

After that breakup I went to counselling because I was a wreck. One of my friends convinced me to use a dating site after 2 months.

 

Through this site I got chatting to a girl, and somehow found myself seeing her for more than 4 months - she was great, I really cared about her. We didn't label each other as boyfriend/girlfriend - I met a bunch of her friends but she never told her parents about me. She was so gentle and understanding about me being a virgin, and (Without going into detail), I ended up losing it to her.

 

That was maybe a month ago? But two nights ago she told me she didn't want a physical relationship any more because she is going through a very stressful period at work and at home with her parents - the last thing she said on her mind at the moment is sex.

 

Now, I totally understand she's going through a lot at the moment and don't want to stress her out more by being demanding, and I certainly don't want to take advantage of any emotional trauma she is going through right now. Her happiness and emotional state mean a lot more to me than me getting my rocks off (sorry to be crude)

 

However, she said "I'm not dumping you because I don't enjoy sex with you, I don't want you to obsess about that, I won't have sex with anyone right now"

 

I didn't get any sleep last night because I just kept thinking over that last sentence - the fact she singled that out really worried me (probably the exact opposite of what she meant to do)

 

She said that she doesn't want to stop seeing me and would like to meet up on Tuesday for lunch.

 

Should I go along? I want to be a supportive friend while she's going through a hard time, all her friends are at university at the moment so are miles away. She said she doesn't want to stop seeing me.

 

I'm feeling really anxious as other friends are telling me to start dating random people again, but after 2 major rejections for me I'm really hurting right now and so confused.

 

I'm 25. I know that's very late to lose my virginity but I was in no rush, I wanted it to mean something - I thought it would be with the first girl I mentioned, didn't expect it to be with the newer girl. It took a lot for me to open up in that way, and I feel so rejected.

 

She texted me a few times yesterday, and was even the one to initiate contact - what does that mean? Do you think that means she does still want me in her life? Am I being taken for a ride?

 

I overthink a lot, I just don't want false hope and get hurt even more, but I'm lost.

 

Please let me know if anyone has been through something similar.

[d0nnivain]

You are totally over thinking this.

 

Her decision had nothing to do with the fact that you lost your virginity to her. I don't know exactly what her deal is but it's not this. If it were about sex she would have dumped you the next morning with no explanation.

 

When people break up they say they want to stay friends. It's just something people say because deep down they don't want to come off as unfeeling jerks.

 

If you want to be her buddy while she moves along to other guys, that is up to you. Sounds like a raw painful deal.

[sooshi]

I agree with d0nnivain that this has nothing to do with the way you lost your virginity to her. You're overthinking this, but overthinking the end of relationships is what many of us do.

 

You seem to really care about this girl and I am afraid she might take advantage of your care and kindness. You have to take care of yourself too. Like d0nnivain said, you can be friends with her and still in her life (if she truly does want that), but how will you feel when she's with someone else? Sounds like it would cause you a lot of pain. But if you really, truly feel like you'd be okay with her being with others, it's up to you what you do. It sounds like she isn't as invested in having you in her life as you are with her, though. It seems like you care about her way more than she cares for you--a completely different level.

[VeronicaRoss]

It hurts like crazy, and your stories are completely normal. 25 isn't too old to be going through this, sounds about right. Almost everyone's first couple of romances don't work out. How many people do you know who have ended up with their first lover? Everyone else had to go through what you are experiencing now. Typical doesn't mean less painful. I don't mean to diminish your feelings, just the opposite. It hurts like crazy, welcome to the human race!

 

My first two break ups were some of the hardest experiences I ever had, it felt like I was never going to be loved again the same way. Looking back though, I wouldn't give them up for anything because I remember the good mostly and I'm happily married to someone who is really better than them both together. Not surprisingly, he has a lot of similar qualities to them both. I wouldn't have believed it possible, and it took a lot of learning and growing but that's how it ended up.

 

Trust me, there are a lot of REALLY wonderful women out there, you're at the perfect age to be dating. Women are getting ready to settle down and are looking for a decent guy.

 

I agree with Don above that she's trying to politely break up with you ("It's me, not you.") and you need to stop seeing her so you can move on more easily. Realize she is letting you go so you can find someone even better, someone who cares even more.

[Kamila]

She wants to stay friends, even have lunch with her after you've broken up?

 

Not to mention you lost your virginity to her. That is just too much for you to handle.

 

Just politely tell her, you need time and distance to heal yourself. No contact would be best here. Think about yourself.

[StevenJPG]

Hi everyone, thank you all for the feedback, I appreciate it.

 

This whole experience has brought up a load of painful emotions from the first relationship. In hindsight I think I rebounded and just ended up getting hurt again, painful rejection....

 

I'm not sure what to do. I would like a friend too, most of my friends have moved away as well, and after the first failed 4 year relationship I wasn't after anything serious...

 

Maybe I'll see how this lunch meeting goes if it's still happening... she hasn't mentioned it again in recent texts... who knows what she's thinking.