It's been 9 months.. Boomerang ex boyfriend

[xxxj]

Hello everyone

I thought I would post my problem on here and hopefully get some kind of outsiders opinion/advice/anything. It's a long one, I'm sorry..

I'm 18 years old, I met my first 'proper' boyfriend at 16. I was his first girlfriend too. We got together about 6 months after meeting. We were together for only a short time, 7 months, but I fell over heels for this guy and was so devastated by the break up. Nothing really caused him to dump me, but my guess was that there was a lot of external pressure from his family. We were arguing for a while but I thought nothing of it, easily repairable etc.

Fast forward 9 months and I feel like I'm still going through this awful break up. I've read and googled about it and this 'boomerang ex boyfriend' idea seems to sum it up, but I'm so confused that I need a little more light shed on the situation. In the 9 months, we have been friends, enemies, we've met up and had casual sex too. We both admit that we had used sex as a way of covering up any feelings. I haven't slept with anyone else since our break up, and I know he hasn't either. I'm at college with this guy, we are in the same friendship circle which again makes things awkward, although I barely see him, except on nights out.

The problem is- he keeps coming back. He will text me and tell me he misses me, he still loves me but there's too much water under the bridge, not enough time or energy for a relationship. We talk, and I find myself getting attached to this guy and then this is when he leaves. It's like he senses it? He says we shouldn't talk, we need to move on. I don't argue, I accept this, I block his number and as hurt as I am, I try and pick myself up and move forward. For a while it seems okay, I find myself happier this way. However, it's only a matter of time before he will initiate some form of contact, whether that's approaching me when we see each other, or he will text my friends asking them to ask me to unblock his number. I find myself strong when he comes back, adamant we shouldn't talk, I give the impression I'm absolutely fine without him. But then I see how unhappy he is when he starts crying and all my walls tumble down.. I care for this guy a lot, he's hurt me so much and I resent him as a result, but I care so much for his happiness and success. I have sacrificed my own happiness for the sake of him. I think about him when we aren't speaking, but I feel better in myself when we don't speak. When he comes back, I end up feeling vulnerable. I get angry at myself for becoming weak. I don't understand why I let him manipulate my feelings. I miss him irregardless, but I know I'm better off without him. I just can't seem to find the strength to move on. To ignore him when he comes back. I know i deserve better but I'm still stuck on this guy. I don't really know what I'm asking for here, but anything would be appreciated. Feeling pretty low, I'm exhausted, I feel like this break up is never going to end.