Will future contact always be considered "breadcrumbs"?

[disclosure]

I keep reading in threads about breadcrumbs. Is there EVER an ok time to contact an ex without the other person trying to interpret it as something other than simply catching up? I really struggle with the idea that I will never, ever be able to contact my ex again without her thinking I am just trying to **** with her. Like "hey we dated for ____________ so we obviously still care about eachother and wonder how the other is doing?"

 

 

 

Honestly from what I get from a lot of these threads/posts... it's like some of you think your ex dated you and broke your heart on purpose. Like they didn't go through pain as well with the break up or question why the feelings weren't there for whatever reason. Tbh 3.5 months later and I am still broken/questioning myself. But is it not possible to think "hey, it sucks that they broke up with me and it hurts and I'm ****ing devastated...but they just don't feel the same and that's just how it goes sometimes." I don't mean to make light of it or anything because I know it is the worst feeling in the world and it lasts for months/years. But the amount of anger a lot of you have towards your ex makes a dumper feel like complete ****. I mean maybe a site geared toward breakups isn't the place to go if that happens to be you in the first place.

 

But I ask this because my ex had a rough couple years...and obviously I still care about her and want her to be happy. But from the sounds of it, if I EVER try to contact her in the future she is going to resent me/think I'm an ******* trying to some how **** with her/send her bread crumbs and try and get her to fall for me again. I mean some of you even after a year are posting things like "haha I guess I won cause my ex is contacting me and she is single" or "It's been a year and my ex is contacting me... WHY?!?!?" I mean ****, can it not just be harmless?

 

 

Will it always be "**** you, you broke my heart and didn't want to date me so now I never want to speak to you ever again because you're an *******"?

Edited March 17, 2014 by disclosure

[Ordinaryday]

I keep reading in threads about breadcrumbs. Is there EVER an ok time to contact an ex without the other person trying to interpret it as something other than simply catching up? I really struggle with the idea that I will never, ever be able to contact my ex again without her thinking I am just trying to **** with her. Like "hey we dated for ____________ so we obviously still care about eachother and wonder how the other is doing?"

 

 

 

Honestly from what I get from a lot of these threads/posts... it's like some of you think your ex dated you and broke your heart on purpose. Like they didn't go through pain as well with the break up or question why the feelings weren't there for whatever reason. Tbh 3.5 months later and I am still broken/questioning myself. But is it not possible to think "hey, it sucks that they broke up with me and it hurts and I'm ****ing devastated...but they just don't feel the same and that's just how it goes sometimes." I don't mean to make light of it or anything because I know it is the worst feeling in the world and it lasts for months/years. But the amount of anger a lot of you have towards your ex makes a dumper feel like complete ****. I mean maybe a site geared toward breakups isn't the place to go if that happens to be you in the first place.

 

But I ask this because my ex had a rough couple years...and obviously I still care about her and want her to be happy. But from the sounds of it, if I EVER try to contact her in the future she is going to resent me/think I'm an ******* trying to some how **** with her/send her bread crumbs and try and get her to fall for me again. I mean some of you even after a year are posting things like "haha I guess I won cause my ex is contacting me and she is single" or "It's been a year and my ex is contacting me... WHY?!?!?" I mean ****, can it not just be harmless?

 

 

Will it always be "**** you, you broke my heart and didn't want to date me so now I never want to speak to you ever again because you're an *******"?

 

well it depends, but mostly... yeah. if an ex dumped you when you cut through all the lines they gave you ("it's not you... it's me", "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now", "I love you... I'm just not IN LOVE with you" and so on) what they basically said is:

 

"you're not good enough me". they probably did not actually say this (unless they were really mean!) but they felt and thought it... because if they thought you were good enough for them THEY WOULD NOT HAVE DUMPED YOU.

 

So yeah, most dumpees don't appreciate contact from the ex and see it as breadcrumbs. I coincidentally happened to walk past my ex in the city two months ago and she simply said "Hi [real name]" and kept walking. this SET ME BACK heaps. I posted about it on here, you can find it if you go through my profile.

 

so yes, ANY contact outside of "I made a mistake and I want you back" is breadcrumbs and inappropriate.

 

I don't need to know how she is going. I don't want to hear how happy she is without me. I don't want her messaging me saying "hi" or asking about something we did together.

 

and there is NOTHING she could say to me outside of "I want you back" that I would be interested in hearing.

 

so yes, it is for the better that you never hear from them again.

 

and if you want to be technical, a dumper who leaves you alone and NEVER sends you breadcrumbs is a nice and considerate dumper, cos they must realise that any breadcrumbs run the risk of setting you back... so they are showing huge respect to you by leaving you alone and allowing you to heal.

[disclosure]

well it depends, but mostly... yeah. if an ex dumped you when you cut through all the lines they gave you ("it's not you... it's me", "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now", "I love you... I'm just not IN LOVE with you" and so on) what they basically said is:

 

"you're not good enough me". they probably did not actually say this (unless they were really mean!) but they felt and thought it... because if they thought you were good enough for them THEY WOULD NOT HAVE DUMPED YOU.

 

So yeah, most dumpees don't appreciate contact from the ex and see it as breadcrumbs. I coincidentally happened to walk past my ex in the city two months ago and she simply said "Hi [real name]" and kept walking. this SET ME BACK heaps. I posted about it on here, you can find it if you go through my profile.

 

so yes, ANY contact outside of "I made a mistake and I want you back" is breadcrumbs and inappropriate.

 

I don't need to know how she is going. I don't want to hear how happy she is without me. I don't want her messaging me saying "hi" or asking about something we did together.

 

and there is NOTHING she could say to me outside of "I want you back" that I would be interested in hearing.

 

so yes, it is for the better that you never hear from them again.

 

and if you want to be technical, a dumper who leaves you alone and NEVER sends you breadcrumbs is a nice and considerate dumper, cos they must realise that any breadcrumbs run the risk of setting you back... so they are showing huge respect to you by leaving you alone and allowing you to heal.

 

Why can't those lines be valid reasons? I broke up because I felt I wasn't ready for a relationship. And that's the truth. Of course there are things that helped me come to this conclusion, and NO ONE is going to list off the things they dislike about someone when they break up, let's be real. But I'm 23 now, was my first LTR, plan on going to college/uni, she plans on doing something, I struggled with insecurites/self esteem, and I broke up with her because I feel I need to overcome this and although I love her, I worry that once we get to a place where we are happy with ourselves we will want to experience these things and breaking up will just be harder then..

 

as for the rest of your reply...that sucks..

[David87]

I'm not sure if you are a dumper or a dumpee.

 

If you are a dumpee, the they aren't called breadcrumbs, but a desperate attempt from you to reach out and show that you're still hooked and can live your life without them, pretty pathetic.

 

Never compare the pain the dumper feels with the pain of the dumpee. Sure the dumper suffers to but he is prepared for what is about to happen and detached himself from the relationship during the time the two aof them are stil together.

 

The dumpee s blindsided most of the times, their pain is worse and their recovery is much slower.

 

If you are a dumper it's not fair to send breadcrumbs because you slow their recovery.

[Ordinaryday]

Why can't those lines be valid reasons? I broke up because I felt I wasn't ready for a relationship. And that's the truth. Of course there are things that helped me come to this conclusion, and NO ONE is going to list off the things they dislike about someone when they break up, let's be real. But I'm 23 now, was my first LTR, plan on going to college/uni, she plans on doing something, I struggled with insecurites/self esteem, and I broke up with her because I feel I need to overcome this and although I love her, I worry that once we get to a place where we are happy with ourselves we will want to experience these things and breaking up will just be harder then..

 

as for the rest of your reply...that sucks..

 

because the feelings of dumpees is typically like this: "when you broke up with me you broke my heart and left me in a terrible fragile emotional state... and now six months/a year/whenever later you are contacting me and bringing up old memories and hurts and making me remember getting dumped... and you are doing this not because you want to reconcile but because you want to SAY HI?!!?! Are you serious?!?!?! are you REALLY this clueless or is this some sort of sick joke?"

 

my thoughts have been along those lines whenever I have had a breadcrumb. most dumpees I have spoken to tell me they have the same thoughts.

[disclosure]

I'm not sure if you are a dumper or a dumpee.

 

If you are a dumpee, the they aren't called breadcrumbs, but a desperate attempt from you to reach out and show that you're still hooked and can live your life without them, pretty pathetic.

 

Never compare the pain the dumper feels with the pain of the dumpee. Sure the dumper suffers to but he is prepared for what is about to happen and detached himself from the relationship during the time the two aof them are stil together.

 

The dumpee s blindsided most of the times, their pain is worse and their recovery is much slower.

 

If you are a dumper it's not fair to send breadcrumbs because you slow their recovery.

 

I don't mean to compare, and sorry if my post comes across that way but not gonna lie it hurts reading all of this stuff about the dumper not caring at all.

 

I definitely know the first 6 months it would be considered breadcrumbs unless you want to get back together. I'm talking after a year or something.

[David87]

I don't mean to compare, and sorry if my post comes across that way but not gonna lie it hurts reading all of this stuff about the dumper not caring at all.

 

I definitely know the first 6 months it would be considered breadcrumbs unless you want to get back together. I'm talking after a year or something.

 

What are your intentions? Why do you need to reach out? Do you want to get back together or just be friendly. She might not be over you.

[Ordinaryday]

I don't mean to compare, and sorry if my post comes across that way but not gonna lie it hurts reading all of this stuff about the dumper not caring at all.

 

I definitely know the first 6 months it would be considered breadcrumbs unless you want to get back together. I'm talking after a year or something.

 

you don't know how their progress is going. sometimes they might find another person and forget about you quicksmart. other times you dumping them might crush their self-esteem and destroy them and leave them a mess for years.

 

that is not your responsibility, but you have no right to barge back into their life after removing yourself from it by dumping them.

[Never Again]

I think it'll be easiest if I answer your two "quotes":

 

Like "hey we dated for ____________ so we obviously still care about eachother and wonder how the other is doing?"

 

If you care, and I mean really care, about an ex that you dumped, you leave them be. At least for a couple of months. Many dumpers aren't REALLY interested in how the dumpee is doing, they just get an itch they need to scratch.

 

I'm not saying dumpers are evil or nefarious, but many feel like they've got the dumpee in their back pocket - after all, the dumpees wanted to salvage the relationship more often than not.

 

So, the dumper reaches out. Not because they care, usually, but because they're curious and want to satiate their own curiosity. They wanted out from the relationship, but don't want to detach entirely. The problem is, dumpees still have feelings for the dumper...and those feelings usually are heightened because of the rejection. Add in the pain, confusion, etc...well, the dumpee just gets the short end of the stick when a dumper reaches out, gets what they want (a "platonic catchup") and then disappears again.

 

Many dumpers also reach out to "catch up" as a way to rationalize alleviating their own guilt. After all, if the dumpee responds, they can't feel TOO bad about the breakup, right? This helps the dumper validate their decision, completely emotionally detach and move on while the dumpee gets reset back to square one.

 

Now then, after quite some time of NC...I'd say 3-6 months minimum, I don't see and problem with the dumper reaching out to be friendly as long as they are EXPLICIT about their intentions and don't pressure the dumpee. That leaves the dumpee room to reject the offer if they just aren't comfortable with it yet.

 

 

"hey, it sucks that they broke up with me and it hurts and I'm ****ing devastated...but they just don't feel the same and that's just how it goes sometimes."

 

Unfortunately, that's not "just how it goes", and that's the problem.

 

I've dumped and been dumped plenty of times, and feelings just never go away for no reason. Usually, when there's no big reasons (cheating, abuse, etc), the problem is the BOTH sides screwed up. They let distance come between them, didn't communicate effectively, didn't maintain their connection or keep the relationship moving forward, or just plain old unaddressed bad behavior (I find this to be most common...the dumpee starts acting in a way that turns the dumper off, the dumper fails to communicate effective because it's "not a big deal", it becomes a big deal but it still goes unaddressed, hits a breaking point and...welp, those feelings are gone now).

 

Dumpees THINK (it's a big think, they're usually wrong) that they see this clearly. They see that things could have been fixable in the past, if only they'd known better, so they assume things are still fixable now. The dumpers have generally detached enough to decide that it's not worth the effort now that their feelings are gone - yes, some work could bring them back, but why bother when you're not feeling it?

 

Dumpees still feel it. They're still stuck in pain and rejection mode, and sometimes they never let go of it completely. When a dumper leaves, they NEED to accept that they're losing the dumpee forever. Heartbreak isn't something easy to shrug off with a "well, that's the way it works sometimes" attitude. If the dumpee meant enough to keep them in your life, then they should've meant enough to try and salvage the relationship.

 

If you're done, you need to be done.

 

That's how it needs to work everytime.

 

I'm sorry to break it to you like this, but dumping someone is giving up on them. It's telling them that you're no longer willing to invest or even try in the slightest to reignite those old feelings (it IS possible, most people simply can't get beyond the negativity that made those feelings fade in the first place, which is entirely valid). You're telling them that, effectively, they're not worth your time.

 

So, for the first 3-6 months, everything is breadcrumbs.

[Ordinaryday]

I think it'll be easiest if I answer your two "quotes":

 

 

 

If you care, and I mean really care, about an ex that you dumped, you leave them be. At least for a couple of months. Many dumpers aren't REALLY interested in how the dumpee is doing, they just get an itch they need to scratch.

 

I'm not saying dumpers are evil or nefarious, but many feel like they've got the dumpee in their back pocket - after all, the dumpees wanted to salvage the relationship more often than not.

 

So, the dumper reaches out. Not because they care, usually, but because they're curious and want to satiate their own curiosity. They wanted out from the relationship, but don't want to detach entirely. The problem is, dumpees still have feelings for the dumper...and those feelings usually are heightened because of the rejection. Add in the pain, confusion, etc...well, the dumpee just gets the short end of the stick when a dumper reaches out, gets what they want (a "platonic catchup") and then disappears again.

 

Many dumpers also reach out to "catch up" as a way to rationalize alleviating their own guilt. After all, if the dumpee responds, they can't feel TOO bad about the breakup, right? This helps the dumper validate their decision, completely emotionally detach and move on while the dumpee gets reset back to square one.

 

Now then, after quite some time of NC...I'd say 3-6 months minimum, I don't see and problem with the dumper reaching out to be friendly as long as they are EXPLICIT about their intentions and don't pressure the dumpee. That leaves the dumpee room to reject the offer if they just aren't comfortable with it yet.

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately, that's not "just how it goes", and that's the problem.

 

I've dumped and been dumped plenty of times, and feelings just never go away for no reason. Usually, when there's no big reasons (cheating, abuse, etc), the problem is the BOTH sides screwed up. They let distance come between them, didn't communicate effectively, didn't maintain their connection or keep the relationship moving forward, or just plain old unaddressed bad behavior (I find this to be most common...the dumpee starts acting in a way that turns the dumper off, the dumper fails to communicate effective because it's "not a big deal", it becomes a big deal but it still goes unaddressed, hits a breaking point and...welp, those feelings are gone now).

 

Dumpees THINK (it's a big think, they're usually wrong) that they see this clearly. They see that things could have been fixable in the past, if only they'd known better, so they assume things are still fixable now. The dumpers have generally detached enough to decide that it's not worth the effort now that their feelings are gone - yes, some work could bring them back, but why bother when you're not feeling it?

 

Dumpees still feel it. They're still stuck in pain and rejection mode, and sometimes they never let go of it completely. When a dumper leaves, they NEED to accept that they're losing the dumpee forever. Heartbreak isn't something easy to shrug off with a "well, that's the way it works sometimes" attitude. If the dumpee meant enough to keep them in your life, then they should've meant enough to try and salvage the relationship.

 

If you're done, you need to be done.

 

That's how it needs to work everytime.

 

I'm sorry to break it to you like this, but dumping someone is giving up on them. It's telling them that you're no longer willing to invest or even try in the slightest to reignite those old feelings (it IS possible, most people simply can't get beyond the negativity that made those feelings fade in the first place, which is entirely valid). You're telling them that, effectively, they're not worth your time.

 

So, for the first 3-6 months, everything is breadcrumbs.

 

summed it up perfectly. my ex dumped me for the exact reasons you described (I had some problems that I was trying to work through and was making gradual progress, but eventually she decided my progress was not enough and dumped me).

 

when she dumped me she said something like "I really enjoyed spending time with you and would like to keep you in my life, but not in a relationship. how do you feel about staying friends?"

 

I told her "sorry that would hurt too much, it is boyfriend and girlfriend or nothing, no in-between just friends thing". she said she accepted that and I pretty much never heard from her again, apart from a twosecond accidental bump in in the city.

 

I appreciate that she left me alone. I would have a MUCH lower opinion of her if she contacted me with breadcrumbs.

[disclosure]

What are your intentions? Why do you need to reach out? Do you want to get back together or just be friendly. She might not be over you.

 

I honestly don't know at this point. Which is why I'm not contacting her. But like I said, I'm pretty sure I will never NOT care about her. So yes, some point down the line (over 6 months/a year) I would like to contact her.

 

you don't know how their progress is going. sometimes they might find another person and forget about you quicksmart. other times you dumping them might crush their self-esteem and destroy them and leave them a mess for years.

 

that is not your responsibility, but you have no right to barge back into their life after removing yourself from it by dumping them.

 

If you're done, you need to be done.

 

That's how it needs to work everytime.

 

I'm sorry to break it to you like this, but dumping someone is giving up on them. It's telling them that you're no longer willing to invest or even try in the slightest to reignite those old feelings (it IS possible, most people simply can't get beyond the negativity that made those feelings fade in the first place, which is entirely valid). You're telling them that, effectively, they're not worth your time.

 

So, for the first 3-6 months, everything is breadcrumbs.

 

I guess I can see that that is the way it needs to be as ****ty as it is. But because one doesn't know if they want to be romantically involved with said person for the rest of their life, that in no way, shape or form means that they don't think they are worth their time at all...? Sure it means you are giving up on them romantically, but I'm sure if they had it their way they would still do anything for them as a friend. It's like from one extreme to the next. I guess that's the way it needs to be, but that's what I'm getting at. Nobody sees it as that on this site. They're either an ******* for sending breadcrumbs or an ******* for ignoring. Sucks.

 

 

 

Honestly what I have taken away from this is that I will never initiate a break up again. Way too much pressure and you're always made out to be an *******/the bad guy.

Edited March 17, 2014 by disclosure

[Ordinaryday]

I honestly don't know at this point. Which is why I'm not contacting her. But like I said, I'm pretty sure I will never NOT care about her. So yes, some point down the line (over 6 months/a year) I would like to contact her.

 

 

 

 

 

I guess I can see that that is the way it needs to be as ****ty as it is. But because one doesn't know if they want to be romantically involved with said person for the rest of their life, that in no way, shape or form means that they don't think they are worth their time at all...? Sure it means you are giving up on them romantically, but I'm sure if they had it there way they would still do anything for them as a friend. It's like from one extreme to the next. I guess that's the way it needs to be, but that's what I'm getting at. Nobody sees it as that on this site. They're either an ******* for sending breadcrumbs or an ******* for ignoring. Sucks.

 

 

 

Honestly what I have taken away from this is that I will never initiate a break up again. Way too much pressure and you're always made out to be an *******/the bad guy.

 

As that person said, there is a HUGE difference in perspectives between the dumpee and dumper.

 

the dumpee typically thinks:

 

"ok, we have some problems but we can work through them. I can do A, B, C and D, and they can do E, F, and G and then we can repair our relationship"

 

the dumper typically thinks:

 

"I have had enough, this problem is too big, I can't do this anymore. I GIVE UP"

 

and no matter how the dumper tries to cushion it, all the dumpee hears is "I AM GIVING UP ON YOU".

 

And most dumpees want NOTHING to do with someone who GAVE UP ON THEM and basically said "you are not doing enough. I'm out".

 

there is a huge single about this very topic, in the charts right now: SAY SOMETHING (I'M GIVING UP ON YOU) by A Great big World - listen to it.

[disclosure]

there is a huge single about this very topic, in the charts right now: SAY SOMETHING (I'M GIVING UP ON YOU) by A Great big World - listen to it.

 

Haha oh don't worry I have. Several times, much to my dismay.. :/

[disclosure]

Also another ****ty thing about being a dumper. I have thought for the last 3.5 months about giving it another try. But I know if I do that and feelings don't change, then it's the same **** again, except now I've hurt her more and I am seen as an even bigger jerk which is what stops me every time from contacting her with the words "I want us to give it another shot".

 

 

I am 100% serious when I say I will never strive to end a relationship on a good note again, or be the dumper. I just don't think I have the confidence to know that I've done the right thing and be able to detach completely.

[Ordinaryday]

 

 

I am 100% serious when I say I will never strive to end a relationship on a good note again, or be the dumper. I just don't think I have the confidence to know that I've done the right thing and be able to detach completely.

 

that actually IS a common passive-aggressive way cowardly people have ended relationships.

 

they don't have the courage or whatever to actually dump the person so they start acting like a COMPLETE and utter jerk to them all the time, start being REALLY nasty to them and then get THEM to end the relationship, not you.

 

I am ashamed to say that in my younger days I did this with one girl who I could not stand but did not have the courage to dump - started being so nasty to her that she dumped me.

[disclosure]

that actually IS a common passive-aggressive way cowardly people have ended relationships.

 

they don't have the courage or whatever to actually dump the person so they start acting like a COMPLETE and utter jerk to them all the time, start being REALLY nasty to them and then get THEM to end the relationship, not you.

 

I am ashamed to say that in my younger days I did this with one girl who I could not stand but did not have the courage to dump - started being so nasty to her that she dumped me.

 

Eh it's not so much the courage to dump someone. I felt I handled that situation well considering.

 

I mean, I will forever remember it as one of the worst/hardest moments of my life, but still feel courage wasn't the issue. It's all of these post-break up emotions and the lack of confidence to sit here and know that it is time to move on and know that I should ignore any feelings I still have for her and know that she isn't the one and I will find someone else along with the pressure that I SHOULD already know all of this. Then couple that with this new discovery that if I don't do something soon, I will likely never be able to contact her again.

 

I've been an emotional wreck these last 2 weeks, I just don't think I can handle this ****. I have so much respect for her (and anyone who can successfully stay NC, really) and the fact that she has yet to contact me after the first couple weeks. She is stronger than I knew.

 

So yeah, to summarize: **** relationships/break ups.

 

 

Also, sorry mods if you end up merging this with my thread...was meant to be a general question so I didn't want to throw it in there myself.

[lolablue17]

I dont think that there are rules here. Each individual feels different. What works for me, may not work for you.

 

Sometimes NC helps the dumpee to recognize the reality, and it helps to move on faster. Not for me, I always wanted contact after I was dumped. It helped me a lot, and even after a while when she contacted me for some reason, it made me feel better. Why?

 

Because when we are in contact I feel i live in a sane environment, that the breakup wasn't the end of the world, and its like "hey, everything is normal, no one hates me and she even likes me. it just didnt work out for her".

 

So basically i think you should do what your gut tells you to. Just remember you might be hurt, and take that as one of the ingredients in your considerations. But i dont think that the fear from being hurt should be the only thing to consider.

Edited March 17, 2014 by lolablue17

[Ordinaryday]

just remember the nicest thing you can do for a dumpee is to leave them alone to heal.

 

now IF they contact you down the line to respond feel free to provided that THEY, not you, initiated the contact.

 

respond politely, but make it clear that you have no interest in trying again, unless of course you do.

 

otherwise... leave them alone.

 

I once got contacted by a dumper about eight months later to ask how I went with my university studies... I know she was trying to be polite and general and all that, but I thought (as mentioned before) "you dumped me, broke my heart, left me in a near suicidal state and now eight months later you want to know how my studies are going??!? are you being serious?!?!"

[disclosure]

just remember the nicest thing you can do for a dumpee is to leave them alone to heal.

 

now IF they contact you down the line to respond feel free to provided that THEY, not you, initiated the contact.

 

respond politely, but make it clear that you have no interest in trying again, unless of course you do.

 

otherwise... leave them alone.

 

I once got contacted by a dumper about eight months later to ask how I went with my university studies... I know she was trying to be polite and general and all that, but I thought (as mentioned before) "you dumped me, broke my heart, left me in a near suicidal state and now eight months later you want to know how my studies are going??!? are you being serious?!?!"

 

But see, even you yourself know that your feelings of anger are just that and that she was just being polite and genuinely wants to know how you are doing. Why do you still insist on flipping it around to being something negative?

[Ordinaryday]

I dont think that there are rules here. Each individual feels different. What works for me, may not work for you.

 

Sometimes NC helps the dumpee to recognize the reality, and it helps to move on faster. Not for me, I always wanted contact after I was dumped. It helped me a lot, and even after a while when she contacted me for some reason, it made me feel better. Why?

 

Because when we are in contact I feel i live in a sane environment, that the breakup wasn't the end of the world, and its like "hey, everything is normal, no one hates me and she even likes me. it just didnt work out for her".

 

So basically i think you should do what your gut tells you to. Just remember you might be hurt, and take that as one of the ingredients in your considerations. But i dont think that the fear from being hurt should be the only thing to consider.

 

I did like getting contacted by one dumper after two years. why?

 

because when I dumped her I made every mistake in the book (begged for another chance, wrote her a long pathetic letter telling her how great she was, etc) and that was the last contact we had, she got a huge ego boost.

 

she contacted me two years later and I was REALLY NASTY to her, told her in no uncertain terms that I did not appreciate being contacted by her, that I had nothing to say to her, and at no point in the future should she EVER contact me again.

 

I know people here say not to do that... you should just ignore them cos silence speaks louder than words... but boy am I glad I did it. it felt so good.

[disclosure]

I dont think that there are rules here. Each individual feels different. What works for me, may not work for you.

 

Sometimes NC helps the dumpee to recognize the reality, and it helps to move on faster. Not for me, I always wanted contact after I was dumped. It helped me a lot, and even after a while when she contacted me for some reason, it made me feel better. Why?

 

Because when we are in contact I feel i live in a sane environment, that the breakup wasn't the end of the world, and its like "hey, everything is normal, no one hates me and she even likes me. it just didnt work out for her".

 

So basically i think you should do what your gut tells you to. Just remember you might be hurt, and take that as one of the ingredients in your considerations. But i dont think that the fear from being hurt should be the only thing to consider.

 

If I went with my gut I would have contacted her a couple weeks ago. I honestly have already posted exactly what you just said before, but no matter who I asked NC was the way to go.

[Ordinaryday]

But see, even you yourself know that your feelings of anger are just that and that she was just being polite and genuinely wants to know how you are doing. Why do you still insist on flipping it around to being something negative?

 

because if you had bothered reading through some of the NC threads you would read the most common reason for breaking it - because the dumper feels guilty about dumping you and by contacting you with a breadcrumb it relieves their guilt - I have no interest in making her feel less guilty.

[disclosure]

because if you had bothered reading through some of the NC threads you would read the most common reason for breaking it - because the dumper feels guilty about dumping you and by contacting you with a breadcrumb it relieves their guilt - I have no interest in making her feel less guilty.

 

Something I guess I will never truly understand. Guess we just have different views on this. But IMO, 8 months is a pretty generous amount of time to go no contact for, and I feel at that point if she had respected you long enough to do that, then these are no longer breadcrumbs but just a genuine conversation.

[Ordinaryday]

Something I guess I will never truly understand. Guess we just have different views on this. But IMO, 8 months is a pretty generous amount of time to go no contact for, and I feel at that point if she had respected you long enough to do that, then these are no longer breadcrumbs but just a genuine conversation.

 

as I said before, people get over breakups differently, and grieve differently. I was dumped by my ex EIGHTEEN MONTHS AGO and I still grieve for her as if it was yesterday she dumped me. I am not over her in the slightest.

[disclosure]

as I said before, people get over breakups differently, and grieve differently. I was dumped by my ex EIGHTEEN MONTHS AGO and I still grieve for her as if it was yesterday she dumped me. I am not over her in the slightest.

 

Ahh that is very understandable. Just as a new thread pops up titled "Still miss her after 4 years". Relevant.