Life. It is like an hourglass

[Breadimus]

BEWARE 1500 words

 

Typo heading - Life it is like AN hourglass

 

WAY TL:DR -

 

Boy meets girl and they love deeply. He gradually becomes a doormat. Girl kicks him to the curb. Boy feels terrible but starts to reclaim himself, a new and better self, and for this he is eternally thankful.

Hello All,

 

I have been stalking these forums for a month now since the end of my relationship with JW. It has given me a lot of strength to read the intimate musings of all of you during such a difficult time, and though we all have our foibles, fears and failures I take encouragement from all your unique and determined strengths.

 

As an academic and a male in my mid 20s I have found the process of healing from what has been a 'fade to black' break up as almost tragically sad. I have consumed every piece of information possible and whereas before I would have spent 6 hours a day reading journals and working on my thesis, I spend it reading LoveShack. A quasi hobby, if you will. It is with this in mind that I want to share my story of accepting to accept and how I have found moving on a tedious but fulfilling journey (so far).

 

I met JW at work, we had been hired to work for a company and tasked with Social Media marketing. The moment I saw her I wanted to have her with every fiber, but I did not need her. Sophisticated, classy, intelligent and strong, with a beautiful gap toothed smile to boot I look back and thank past Breadimus that I took time that morning to look incredible as she was hooked as well.

 

The inevitable happened, and we became lovers, confidants and best friends. Two young yuppie’s from outside the big city living a HBO inspired lifestyle in the "cool" parts of town. I was driven, confident, and arrogant even and knew what I wanted and knew how to get it. It was this confidence that JW was drawn to and she even had a running joke that she kept my flippant one liners in a black book.

 

A year in we decided to quit our jobs and travel Europe. We left for six months and had an incredible time. However inevitably when a couple travels, cracks can emerge. I had wanted to plan a different route to JW and was aggrieved that my "epic adventure" with my love had turned into a regimental tour organized by JW to the minute. Consciously I was ecstatic at having a wonderful trip to all these amazing places. Places I had studied and written about and spent a long time admiring from afar. But call me a selfish romantic I wanted a bit of freedom in my decisions and the parts I was left to plan, I did not. Nor did I tell JW.

 

Suffice to say when JW found out, it did not go well. She attacked with emotion, a sense of betrayal and of broken trust. I countered with logic and argued that it will be done so don't stress. I hated to argue with JW and instead of learning how to understand her I always looked for quick fixes to make her happy and push past the fights. A theme it now seems that spelt the end of our relationship.

 

I had seen my love recoil from me with such anger and bitterness, albeit briefly, I knew I would have to battle hard to overcome what I had done. Still we returned in love and committed to each other.

 

The next eight months were different. We no longer lived in the same places we use to nor had the same jobs. We were different and I was yet to recover from my travel blues, whereas JW had moved back home and started to therapy to overcome terrible memories from her past. I saw her on the weekends only and looked forward to that time above anything else. I did not catch up with my friends, nor spend time with my family. I hated my job, my car, my house, and was as far away from my dreams as I had ever been. I began to suffocate JW, always looking to go to her, or for her to see me. I would organize dates and events so we could spend time together, and we talked about moving into a place at the end of 2013.

 

During this time I could feel JW slowly drift away, though I was too fearful to confront the issue. She came to me in tears after a party and accused me of lusting for a male friend of mine. I had a conniption and did not speak to her for a week. She accused me of this because she had not seen me so happy since we were away. What I should have done is sat down and discussed why this was and how we could overcome the hurt. Again though I brushed it under the carpet and left it at that.

 

Eventually I became scared to lose JW. When before I had no fear at all. I chased and chased and did everything in my power to rekindle the spark. Instead of opening her up and talking with her, I planned holidays and took her to concerts where we had fun but a building resentment between the two of use always seemed to be under the surface.

 

I knew I was on my last legs when the things we always did as a couple had a best friend third wheel tacked on by JW and then the nail in the coffin in hindsight was when she moved in her with brother and his partner.

 

A week before the housewarming we spent a long weekend together, and instead of talking and laughing and throwing down. We sat in uneasy silence watching the first three seasons of Girls. A nightmare to say the least. During that week I tried to organize to come over early to help out with the set up for the housewarming, but was met with excuses and lame attempts to head me off. I went to bed uneasy and angry and woke up with a passive aggressive text advising me that JW was not annoyed at me wanting to see her but annoyed that I would come over uninvited.

 

I finally decided to speak openly about how I felt and how we were going, but JW had clocked out a long time ago and just could not do it anymore. The dreaded 'I love you but I am not in love with you' came out and 'I don't even know who you are' was backed up with 'We need to do things on our own' followed by the 'You are my best friend and I will love you deeply.'

 

I returned with 'We can work on this' and 'I need you' and proceeded to beg for 'Could we get back together in the future after I work on myself?'

 

Well obviously it didn't work and after a meet two days later to return stuff, I told her that I did not want to be friends, I wanted her and only her and that I wish you all the best in the world and contact me only if you change your mind as you want me out of your life and I respect that.

 

I am thankful I said that as it has enabled me to reclaim the old me and focus on my life for a change. That old me is better though. He is more compassionate, caring and open minded, less arrogant and lenient with others.

 

I have converted my Masters to a PH.D. I left my rubbish job and started a new one. I sold my car, bought a fixed gear bicycle and now I ride to work every day. I go out on the weekends with my friends and again have fun with no stress. I paint again, I play music again and I enjoy being with me again. There is not a day that goes by that I don't want to wake up with JW next to me, her gap toothed smile and her grey eyes welcoming me to a new day. But that is a memory and one that I have had and will cherish for as long as it is vivid in my mind.

 

What does this all mean? Well I have no idea, but my Dad who has been separated from my mum for 8 years now told me that:

Life is like an hour glass, before someone turns the glass over we are just grains of sand in a heap surrounded by thousands of other grains. But when someone turns the hourglass over, for a brief moment two grains that never met before touch each other as they pass from one chamber to the other. Whether that moment is 2 months or 80 years, those grains were there and those memories are yours and yours alone. Cherish them and love them for what they are and love that person if you can because they have been in your life. Remember though there is always another hour and you will again pass through to a new chamber and that is exciting.

 

I have a feeling my Dad could be Gandalf.

 

Stay strong every one and love yourself, for someone loves, is in love and loved you. And you have the gift of love or have loved and that is something to cherish and be proud of.

Edited March 10, 2014 by Breadimus
heading typo

[OzHeartache]

Life is like an hour glass, before someone turns the glass over we are just grains of sand in a heap surrounded by thousands of other grains. But when someone turns the hourglass over, for a brief moment two grains that never met before touch each other as they pass from one chamber to the other. Whether that moment is 2 months or 80 years, those grains were there and those memories are yours and yours alone. Cherish them and love them for what they are and love that person if you can because they have been in your life. Remember though there is always another hour and you will again pass through to a new chamber and that is exciting.

 

 

 

Wow!!...... that makes so much sense and is a fantastic way to look at love/life..... thanks for sharing!

[Breadimus]

Hello Guys,

 

I hope everyone is going well today and that we have not tortured ourselves excessively. This of course is to both sides, as both sides of any relationship fall out goes through some pretty horrendous moments, I would know.

 

I have vented to all and sunder and feel that it is now time to turn to the LS to feel my feels and get them out, as today I am having a terrible one.

 

Today is day 33 no contact, 35 days since the BU. I have focused on myself and started the whole new life chapter thing, even so far as to apply for University Research positions in Austria. I am from Melbourne Australia. This was my goal before I met JW and I am pretty keen on staying well on track to achieving it.

 

The problem is today I just hit rock bottom. I got up and did my usual morning routine and turned on the radio, as I sat down to my coco pops London Grammar came on the radio and I just cried salty tears into the bowl. JW and I saw them during New Years at a Festival in AUS and it was our truly last moment of coupledom bliss. Because of this flashback I have been driving myself crazy to pinpoint the exact demise of our relationship. I probably wont ever be able to as someone who gradually falls out of love does it ever so slowly that you rarely see it, but I just cant stop it.

 

I suppose it came down to a party we went to and one of JW's friends noted that I was a less fun person to be around and that because of this JW was less fun herself. For me this is when it clicked. After that we had a falling out over JW crying in the arms of a work colleague she met two weeks prior instead of coming to me, and it was at this moment I began to stop putting my best foot forward with out realizing it.

 

I suppose she did this because I was no longer acting like the man she fell in love with but more a morose impostor, and this fellow was more attractive to her emotionally, albeit ever so briefly. I kind off lost my marbles and went so cold for three hours after that, that I show her no affection nor did I comfort her. When we got back to my place I pretty much accused her of emotional cheating and she accused me of trying to get one over her after she accused me of lusting after one of my male friends the week before. I am not proud of this and I wish that I handled it better but at the time I didn't have the answers and I know after JW kicked me to the curb that it was that fight that made her realise I "wasn't for her".

 

Feels bad guys. All the best and stay strong.

Edited March 14, 2014 by Breadimus
terrible spelling

[Breadimus]

Hey Guys,

 

I hope every one is doing ok today.

 

I have started to go through the what if stage and really pick a part the last six months of my relationship with JW.

 

I am not after any sort of justification but just some passing comments by a neutral observer would be greatly appreciated. I'm my harshest critic so I am already at the point of understanding what went wrong.

 

After JW and I had our argument in Europe over who booked what. We resolved to put it behind us and move one. Though we never addressed properly why JW was so angry and broken by my inability to tell her that I was going to book and plan later.

 

I felt really shocked that she would be so emotionally distressed and would lash out with such hurtful words. I withdrew ever so slightly and began to moderate my actions and became very aware of how hurt I could get. A selfish reaction for sure.

 

I began to look at pron whilst we were holidaying and though I never shunned intimacy I subconsciously knew it was because I was so hurt by her reaction to my inaction.

 

This was soon discovered as I saved some on my phone. This was stupid but I did it, can't take it back now. JW was deeply hurt by this and was very close to ending our relationship in the middle of Edinburgh. I expressed my remorse and we slept in separate rooms for three nights before re-uniting with passion and undying love.

 

From then on in though I became fearful. Little by little it crept in to my mind and as I was going through a difficult time once we arrived home I became less and less the man I was and am.

 

JW pleaded for me to come back and be the love she had, but I was so wrapped up in my sadness that I just couldn't. I let myself go slowly and began to fight with her over stupid things.

 

She loved me and cared for me and wanted me to feel better, she said all the right words and told me not to worry at what happened but to come back bigger and stronger for her. I suppose I just did not know how to.

 

I suppose we never properly addressed the issues that stemmed from Europe, it frustrates me so much that every time JW wanted to it was like a child crying to a father about a bully and never as an adult wanting to talk to another.

 

If only I knew now that those hurtful accusations were her cry for help and her willingness to fix and talk about things with me. What annoys me is that instead of talking she would spend three days loving me and one day in deep resentment, a feeling I could feel the moment she woke up. I suppose that was her dealing with her slow loss of love.

 

If only she spent as much time worrying as talking to me, If only I did the same.

 

Ahh well life.

 

Cheers guys.

[Breadimus]

Hey Guys,

 

My little online diary is gonna continue.

 

Today as I got off the train to go to work I saw someone that made me feel my feels right at the station, and put me back to square 5. I think.

 

She wore an ankle length maxi dress, cream, with a black blazer cut at the waist. She must have been 5'7" with a slight heeled sandal. Her straw coloured haired was up in a ball on the top of her head and when she walked her hips swayed from side to side. I saw her from behind and I could pick out her gait and stance and style and my heart skipped and my stomach dropped.

 

My mind raced back to our first meeting, our first kiss and our first night together. To kebabs in Berlin and paella in Barcelona. To our weekends on the beach and our nights curled up watching television in winter.

 

To our cuddles in the shower before work and the times when I woke up beside her and stared as she still slept. It was like a knife in my gut, but it didn't hurt as much as I thought.

 

The girl turned, it wasn't her. And though I felt awful, alone and lost. Knowing that I would never see that girl again, or the woman I thought she was.

 

I began to feel happy sad and continued on with my day.

[loveandwar]

In a very similar situation to yourself. Thesis submitted finally, a little bit ahead of you on the NC days, but feeling close to the same way you are feeling about the break up. On my tough days, love shack is a saviour. I guess ill be following your diary now, its odd how closely related our stories are.

[Breadimus]

Edit: Excuse the typos

 

Hey all,

 

I hope everyone is doing well today and relaxing this weekend.

 

So I am on to day 62 of no contact and I am feeling a lot better about my situation with JW, but not about life in general. Which is sad since I have all the pieces to the puzzle by I have trouble putting them together.

 

Today was the first day in a long time since I saw my cousin and two of my greatest mates. We use to play in a band together and decided as all of us are recently single that we would get back together and play again. My cousin has really helped me out with my depression along with my counsellor and I can see the light at the end of that tunnel.

 

My work has suffered badly since my break up and I have been placed on review. I knew it was coming as I have barely met any tasks provided. It was a good kick in the teeth and I have no ill will towards my boss. For the first time n a king time I enjoyed my weekend and my best mates and felt almost afresh in my social setting.

 

A few wines in tonight we got on my cousins tinder. He rarely goes on and just likes the validation of matches. After a fare few hundred swipes the unbearable came about and JW was staring back at us. It is by no means the worst news as it is not as if JW left me for another man but it hurts immensely that she would leave me for hours spent trolling through profile pics, receiving rubbish one liners and potentially setting up casual sex with random strangers. The incredible thing is that I live 60km from her now in Melbourne which leaves an incredible amount of women I could have seen instead of her!

 

We are no longer together and she owes me nothing and the time we had was incredible but it still jars to know that a woman who stated hat she finds tinder sad when we were together would now use instead of spend time with me watching Game of Thrones and snuggling up with me on a Sunday.

 

Life!

Edited April 12, 2014 by Breadimus

[elseaacych]

Breadimus: Amazing, very poignant journal about how you are coping with your loss. I wish you didn't have to go through the heartache that led you to write it. However, I am confident that you will find someone to share the adventure that is your life with someone you are compatible with, and will love you like you deserve to be loved, in time.

 

That love, when you find it, will be far deeper and far more profound than that you experienced with JW, and your experiences with JW will lead you to appreciate it even more.

 

Good luck with your research and your journey towards healing and finding new love. Life is unfathomable at times, but also beautiful.

 

Best.

[bojangles]

Breadimus: Glad to hear you're doing much better. It's been 1 week since my BU so it's nice seeing updates from someone further along the path of recovery. As far as using LS like a diary, despite not much posts/response, know that somewhere out there, someone like me has read it and can relate. Keep doing what you're doing and hopefully I can catch up at some point. Misery loves company, even if we're complete strangers.

[Breadimus]

Hi Elseaacych, Loveandwar, and Bojangles,

 

Thank you for your kind words. It is amazing how similar people's experiences are, yet so very different. I would not wish the pain of heart break on any one yet most of if not all of humanity has gone through it.

 

To Bojangles, it has been incredibly difficult as I have become a man prone to looking back in the last year to joys gone by and it fills me with such sorrow that memories are all I have, yet I am so thankful for them. Would I swap experiences for innocence? No I would never if I could. And it is this gratitude for those experiences that keep me going. No matter how bleak it feels I have wonderful experiences and I have learnt how to be a man in a relationship, not just a boyfriend. I post my experiences and story for people to reflect on and draw conclusions from in order to look at their life. The historian in me for sure.

 

Elseaacych, thank you for your being so kind as to leave me with your thoughts. I read your musings with much thought and it saddens and gladdens me all at the same time to read your words. I read yor comments and can see your pain from the view of a dumpee but also the confusion your boyfriend may have harboured on top of his chaos towards your actions. It is incredible how different actions can conjure up the same pain. I can almost see in the last part of your relationship the lunging grasps for that feeling you know existed but was just out of reach between the two of you. I lived that life for the same amount of time and did everything I thought was right to rekindle that connection. You did all you could at that time, and that should be a comforting thought and not a painful one. I am so thankful that in my time of sadness that I am not confronted with a 'paper boy' sleeping on my side of the bed and whispering sweet nothings to JW. Though there could be a secession of tinder t**ts.

Though this should not be my concern.

 

 

Loveandwar: Congratulations and well done for getting it done through such a terrible time. True strength. That is a wonderful ability and I hope you are kicking goals academically for years to come with a wonderful being by your side. It seems so unobtainable now does it not buy I bet so did a completed thesis when we started out undergrad. It is amazing what can be achieve.

[mattny]

Im glad to see you are starting to see the light. My visions/emotions are almost identical to yours. I know the pain, and its not over yet, but it gets a little better everyday.

 

Im going on nearly 5 months of NC, 7 months BU. She started dating someone else two months after our 4.5 year relationship(which was 30 days from me proposing to her), 5 years total as friends. I see her in the gym prolly 3 times a week, I dont say hi, I dont look in her direction, nothing. My friends dont know how I do it, but it simply comes down to the fact I dont care anymore. And you my friend will reach that point and wonder why did you care so much? Great memories can always be had/created with someone else.

 

I on the otherhand, decided to take some time off from the dating scene. Im financially in the hole (partially due to her), so it will take sometime to recover. My new career I landed will help but its a two year journey to get back on my feet. At least you can find new hobbies, go out, vacation around, etc to keep your mind busy. Im literally broke at the moment, I can only afford to go to work,the gym and home....no vacations for me anytime soon. Im also emotionally and mentally exhausted. I dont feel up to the task of being able to provide for someone when I can barely take care of myself....7 years of back to back relationships, random short stints before that, I just need time to myself to go for my goals I kept putting off.

 

Get back to finding yourself again, and be happy. Im 31, looking forward to getting my Porsche and a Harley...something Ive wanted to do since I was 25. Until those goals are achieved and Im truely happy, I would rather not date anyone.