How to Deal with Post-Breakup Fallout (Friendship drama)

[lehcar]

So, my ex and I broke up about 4 months ago and it has been really hard. The fallout of the break up has been particularly difficult. To give you the background of the situation:

 

We were together for just over three years and during that time I was truly in love with him. He, obviously, did not feel the same way for me as he spent the better part of a year going behind my back and cheating on me with someone from his home country. To say that it hurt to learn that is an understatement.

 

I've tried to handle the break up well. Besides wanting to shout curses at him and vent all of my anger towards him, I have left him alone. I found out he gave me an STD (curable, thank goodness) so I wrote him an email to tell him that. Foolishly, I did vent a little bit. I started by saying that I was incredibly hurt and that all I wanted from him was an apology b/c when I found out he was cheating on me he never even apologized, he just laughed at me for not finding out sooner and said to never contact him again, so I never got any closure. I then said that I wanted to apologize to him for my contribution to our relationship deteriorating and that if I did anything to hurt him, I apologize for it. I then followed that with saying he should get an STD test because he gave me one which he must have gotten from his new girlfriend. His response to the email was - "I deleted your email without reading it, do not ever contact me again. You are blocked everywhere"

 

So now I have not contacted him again even though almost every day I want to. But I am having a lot of trouble dealing with the fallout of the relationship and it is especially hard because I cannot contact him. We were together for very long so most of my friends are mutual friends with him. I have tried not to tell them any of the details. To my closest friend (who is a mutual friend), I told her that he cheated on me so we broke up, but I didn't give any of the details. To everyone else I just said that we broke up and werent talking anymore. But now I am finding out more and more that he is telling all sorts of things to our mutual friends, most of which sound made up. Most of my friends are not willing to tell me what he is saying, they say things like, "listen, he told me not to tell you anything he said but that doesn't mean that I believe what he said, I just don't want to be involved with this so I don't want it to carry on any further." Other people have told me vaguely what he has said which is essentially that I make up stories and to never believe anything I say to them. I understand why he is doing this... I think. I imagine he is thinking that I have told everyone he cheated on me, so he is trying to make them think I am crazy or a liar so that they won't believe me.

 

I don't know what to do about this. I can't contact him and tell him to stop saying things about me to our friends because he has blocked me everywhere, but even if he hadn't, I doubt that me saying that to him would actually make him stop it. I also feel like if I say to my friends that 'actually he is a gigantic ******* and is making all this up and he cheated blah blah' that I would just be playing into his hand and reinforcing his stories that I am a crazy liar. I have been reading online that it's not fair to ask friends to choose between us and that the most mature thing to do is to just stay friends with them and try not to drag dirty laundry into the friendship. But I feel like he treated me so cruelly that it is hard for me to understand how my friends could even be his friend anymore. If one of their significant other's treated them this way, I wouldn't maintain a friendship with their ex no matter how well we got along.

 

Of course, they don't all know what he did, but my closest friend knows and she is still good friends with him. In fact, when she told me that he was saying things to me, she said she didnt want to violate his trust by telling me what he said about me. I know I have no right to be upset that he said things to her because of course I also talked trash about him by telling her that he cheated on me. The difference of course is that what I said was true and that he is saying things to many people whereas I just spoke to one. She then told me that he has moved on and that I should just get over it and do the same... which also just plain hurt me

 

So okay, I get it. of course he has moved on, it's much easier to move on when you get to instantly transition into a new relationship than it is to move on when someone you love completely betrays you. I keep having an urge to send a message to her in particular saying that I don't feel like she is a true friend to me, that to tell me to just move on and get over it and telling me that he has is very disrespectful. I have only talked about our break up with her once 4 months ago, so it's not like I'm always bringing it up around her. I don't know if this is appropriate to say because it implies that I think she shouldn't be friends with him anymore just with me. But the truth is... I really don't want to be friends with people that are still his friend. I keep thinking about how he is talking with them about how happy he is with his new girlfriend and it just tears my heart apart. I imagine one of my friends congratulating him on his new relationship and it makes me mad at them. I know it's unreasonable, but it's how I feel.

 

How should I deal with this? What is the most mature way to handle our mutual friends? Should I say something like, 'I don't know exactly what he is telling you but I don't think that it is true' or should I just pretend like I don't care that he is saying things about me to our friends? And with the one very good friend who actually knows what he did to me, should I tell her how what she said made me feel? Or should I stop considering her a friend and just not bother talking to her anymore?

 

It's hard enough going through a break up... having it affect my friendships makes it even worse. I thought he was the love of my life and when I found out that he didn't even care about me, it almost killed me. I have to deal with that pain every day still. I thought after four months I wouldn't care so much but I still miss him every single day and I haven't been with anybody since him. Thinking about him with his new girl and thinking about why he hurt me has been torture. Now this added issue with my friends just feels like more than I can bear. I don't know what to do about it