From Girlfriend to Close Friend. How Did This Happen?!

[n0mnom]

I know this may be too long, but please! I need some advice~

 

I've known my (ex)boyfriend for five years starting when I was just 17 years old, and that time, we were just friends. I lost contact with him for around three years, until one day he appeared out of the blue and we caught up on a lot of things about life and simultaneously learned a lot about each other, etc. After around four months of constantly talking everyday, he and I finally got together a couple of months after I had turned 20 and he was almost 24. The number of years we'd be together would be 2 on May 8, but unfortunately our relationship ended before then on 2/10. Please hear me out because I'm just so lost and confused and in pain. What I really need help with is what do you think really happened so I can stop hating on myself?

 

For the past year and 8 months, things were going so well. Although our prospective on things weren't always the same, he and I shared the same interests such as eating out, movies, cartoons, playing games, napping together, etc. I don't know if this would be relevant at all, but he and I come from two different families that both lack the same thing; money. In order to fund our dates, I picked up a job while going to school in order to pay for our days out together. I didn't have a problem with paying at that time because money was never something I found important to be honest, especially when I knew he loved me and I loved him. He knew he couldn't afford to pay for things but he coughed up whatever he had when he could, and I really loved that about him. He would go out of his way to walk to a store, and buy me flowers with very little money he had. He would buy me desserts cause he knew I loved them so much. For Christmas, instead of being able to buy me something nice, he spent weeks being crafty assembling me a gigantic swan made of folded papers, etc etc etc. You get the idea.

 

We were each other's first everything, if you catch my drift. In addition to that, he was my first serious relationship, and I was his.

 

After I had been laid off from my job, I couldn't afford to pay for our dates anymore. I was sad, incredibly. He promised me he would get a job so that he could buy me everything I had ever wanted (not that I really wanted much) and pay for our times together. After a couple of months, he finally landed a job as a logistics analyst at a dental implant company. We both talked about how we knew that with this job, he was going to be busier than before, and I told him it would be okay. I told him to work hard and help pay for his parent's medical bills since they were both old and fragile. We continued with our dates and although I insisted on helping him with the payments, he paid for for everything.

 

Work was hard for him. He would wake up at 7AM everyday and walk/bus to work and wouldn't come home until 10PM. I would wait for him to get home so I could just call and ask how his day was. On weekends, he would come into work as well since he felt that as the new kid, he needed to get things down right and quick. I felt sad that I didn't get to see him as much anymore, knowing he was struggling as the new kid at work. I just tried to stay positive and I told him that at the end of the day, you're one step closer to making this all work and being successful.

 

After I turned 22 in January, he surprised me with surprise trip to San Francisco for the weekend by buying us plane tickets. I was so thrilled, not only because this was going to be our first getaway as a couple, but that I was going to be able to spend time with him again. Our trip to San Francisco was great. I enjoyed it so much and he did as well.

 

Things went well for another two weeks after we got back home. We talked about how much fun we had, and what we did, etc .. but it wasn't till after those two weeks, things started to become a little weird. He had to indulge himself back into work again and I understood completely. I told him when you find the chance, let's spend a day together on the weekends. He agreed, but things came up during those weekends where he had to go into work .. so we rescheduled our date to the next weekend .. and the next .. and the next. I felt miserable that I wasn't able to see him, but at the same time, I knew I had to understand since he had a career that he was now trying to focus on blossoming.

 

It wasn't until I realized things were getting too long since we last seen each other. I became suspicious and starting to think that he was trying to avoid me. It had almost been 5 weeks. I tried sneaking in a conversation here and there to try to work things about what could be wrong. He told me he was too tired and wanted time to himself on the weekends so he could just sleep in and play games. That, I totally comprehended, but what I didn't really understand was the way he was just acting towards me at that time. He seemed unexcited to talk to me unlike before, less text messages, distant, etc. and I knew something was wrong. Plus, he wouldn't tell me that he loved me anymore unless I told him it first, but even then, I felt like it was forced.

 

After one night, he came home from work, I did the routine of asking him how work was and what he had eaten. I tried cracking some interesting topics and jokes but he didn't seem interested or enthusiastic anymore (for the past few weeks). He showered and got ready for bed and texted me goodnight. I waited for an I love you but of course, he didn't say it. I confronted him about it asking why is it that he never told me he loved me anymore unlike before? I told him I understood that he was always tired, but it doesn't hurt to tell me he loved me at least once a day. It took him a while to reply, but I finally got his response.

 

He told me that he's been thinking a lot lately and to tell the truth, he didn't know anymore and that's why he felt like he didn't really wanna say it. He felt awkward. He said he feels comfortable when he talks to me, regarding anything, but it seems like I've become a family friend now.. and he doesn't know if he's always felt that way before or that it's some new feeling he's just developed.

 

In my head, I started screaming. How did I become a family friend? Although it had been around three months since we last had sex, I always tried to introduce sex when we could. During those three months, I always tried to make a move on him with sex but things came up and we just didn't have the chance (at that time, I knew he still loved me immensely). I kissed him often, I told him so many times I loved him, etc. Yeah, I understand that after two almost two years, our honeymoon phase would be over.. but as a girlfriend, arent boyfriends suppose to be comfortable with them? Isn't this what marriage kinda turns out to be as well?

 

He also mentioned that he wanted time to himself, focus on his career especially now that his job is introducing him to new branches in the company. I cried. I felt so betrayed in a sense... that after he had landed this job, he felt that I was irrelevant and decided to leave me behind as he advanced. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I just thought to myself, can't you focus on your career while I support you emotionally and we advance this obstacle in our lives together?

 

I don't know what to think anymore. I told him I tried really hard to making things spark again, but I needed his help as well to make things work.. I was so physically and emotionally tired of trying by myself. In the back of my head, I knew this day would come, but I tried doing everything to avoid it before my that last final push in the ignite to our fading spark.

 

After he told me the truth about how he felt about me, I told him to let's just go our separate ways. Although I love him SO much and devastated, I knew I couldn't bare trying to carry on a romantic relationship that no longer had any meaning to him. I cried myself to bed, woke up and cried more, and cried when I ate, etc lmao. I think I've even lost a total of five pounds already within 2 days. I'm just really sad and I don't know what I did to let this happen. He told me I did nothing wrong, but his feelings just sort of dwindled. I don't believe this. I asked him if there was another girl he was interested in, and he told me he barely had time to talk to me, let alone another woman. I just don't understand; I've been in love with him despite everything after all this time. My feelings would not just die for him so suddenly.

 

He said he cares for me still a lot, but I'm just wondering what did I do wrong for him to lose his feelings for me as a girlfriend to downgrade to a close friend? Can anyone maybe answer this?

Edited February 12, 2014 by n0mnom

[acrosstheuniverse]

You didn't do anything wrong. Trust me. This happens, a lot. It doesn't mean you triggered it in any way. You are not to blame.

 

People's feelings change all the time, sometimes there is no 'reason', sometimes it simply happens as we grow and change as people. Once my feelings changed about a boyfriend of four years and I simply didn't feel like I wanted to be his girlfriend before. Twice, boyfriends I've been in love with have essentially fallen out of love with me and left me. It happens every day, to so many people. It's actually nobody's fault, it's natural.

 

Please know that it's not your fault. The best thing that you can do now is to go no contact with your ex-boyfriend. No more speaking, texting, calling, no more online connections with him. It is simply the easiest, fastest way to move on and to heal. I know how bad these first few days/weeks of a breakup feel, they're devastating and you can't stop wondering 'what if?' I used to feel like there must be something wrong with me for these guys to suddenly decide one day that they didn't want me to be their girlfriend any more.

 

And you know what? After several months of healing from each, I met a new guy, who thought I was the best thing since sliced bread and wanted to be with me and cherish me. Sure, those new relationships have just a great a chance of failure as the ones in the past but every relationship is a fresh slate and each one has just a good a chance of success as any other, whatever your history. You never think you'll meet anybody else who can compare to your ex, until somebody far better comes along.

 

This isn't your fault, we've almost all been there. It sucks, it's horrendously painful. Personally being broken up with after a similar time period was more painful for me than losing a parent, for many reasons. Be kind to yourself, surround yourself with friends, try and eat even if it's just a little, and cut contact from him so you can start to see your life without him in it and you can start to live for you again. It will take some time but you'll be amazed how quickly you will start to feel a little like yourself again.

 

Good luck. This isn't your fault.

[n0mnom]

You didn't do anything wrong. Trust me. This happens, a lot. It doesn't mean you triggered it in any way. You are not to blame.

 

People's feelings change all the time, sometimes there is no 'reason', sometimes it simply happens as we grow and change as people. Once my feelings changed about a boyfriend of four years and I simply didn't feel like I wanted to be his girlfriend before. Twice, boyfriends I've been in love with have essentially fallen out of love with me and left me. It happens every day, to so many people. It's actually nobody's fault, it's natural.

 

Please know that it's not your fault. The best thing that you can do now is to go no contact with your ex-boyfriend. No more speaking, texting, calling, no more online connections with him. It is simply the easiest, fastest way to move on and to heal. I know how bad these first few days/weeks of a breakup feel, they're devastating and you can't stop wondering 'what if?' I used to feel like there must be something wrong with me for these guys to suddenly decide one day that they didn't want me to be their girlfriend any more.

 

And you know what? After several months of healing from each, I met a new guy, who thought I was the best thing since sliced bread and wanted to be with me and cherish me. Sure, those new relationships have just a great a chance of failure as the ones in the past but every relationship is a fresh slate and each one has just a good a chance of success as any other, whatever your history. You never think you'll meet anybody else who can compare to your ex, until somebody far better comes along.

 

This isn't your fault, we've almost all been there. It sucks, it's horrendously painful. Personally being broken up with after a similar time period was more painful for me than losing a parent, for many reasons. Be kind to yourself, surround yourself with friends, try and eat even if it's just a little, and cut contact from him so you can start to see your life without him in it and you can start to live for you again. It will take some time but you'll be amazed how quickly you will start to feel a little like yourself again.

 

Good luck. This isn't your fault.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I mean it.

 

We broke up right then and there on the phone that night. He asked to see me one more time before we went our separate ways, with me going back to school and working, and him focusing at the company. At first I wasn't sure, but I think I'm gonna take this opportunity to sort things out and tell him everything I feel that still lingers in my heart before we depart.

 

I won't lie about this either.. but I just hope that one day when work settles down and things become a little smoother in his life, he'll look back and think of me and realize what he has done ..

[acrosstheuniverse]

You're welcome. I would really advise strongly against meeting him 'one last time'. It won't take away the pain of what has happened, it won't make him change his mind. You probably won't get any clear answers because he's probably still quite confused himself. It's enough that he doesn't want to be together anymore, you don't need to rake over each last detail in the aftermath. He might also just want to ease his own conscience by seeing you, making sure that you're okay, confirm to himself he's not that bad a person because you will still give him the time of day, etc. etc. (not that he IS a bad person, this stuff happens! But you know what I mean. He'll be feeling guilt over hurting you).

 

And we all have those fantasies, too... 'he'll never meet a girl like me again, nobody will treat him as well as I do, he'll regret this' but unfortunately they very rarely come to fruition. You'll know if he looks back and regrets it because he'll find some way to get in touch, beg you for forgiveness and tell you he'll do anything to make it right again. But the chances of that are near zero. Once the feelings have slipped enough for him to willingly end things, they very rarely return. It's that old saying, right? It's called a break up because it's broken...

 

I have no doubt that you'll go forward and use all of those factors that made you a great girlfriend with somebody else someday, once you're healed. Chances are, he already knows what he has done. It's painful and rejection sucks, it hurts BAD. Especially if it's the first time it's happened to you! But breakups are only rarely mutual, usually one partner loses the feelings first. There's nothing wrong with you for being the one to get dumped and who knows, had it dragged on a while longer you might have been the one to lose feelings yourself and be in the position of having to leave him. If you really need to tell him everything you feel for closure, maybe an e-mail would be the best way. But I'd recommend writing it and then saving it to send in a month or so. It's even harder to look back and feel like you lost your dignity as well as got your heart broken. Personally whenever anyone has decided they don't want to be with me anymore, whether five months or two years down the line, sure they've seen me cry in the moment but after that I am dead to them and they have no idea how I feel or how I'm coping. The best thing you can do is realise you're better off without somebody that doesn't truly want to be with you, go no contact and forge forward alone