picnicinthepark Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 (edited) I need another set of eyes on this situation: My now ex-girlfriend broke up with me over 2 weeks ago. We met in university and would have been together for 5 years this coming May. We are both in our mid 20's. Around the end of fall '12 everything fell into place and both of us had jobs in the city and her roommate/our friend was moving out so we decided to move in together. Things were great and we were very happy! We never really fought about anything major but we had communication issues. I can really only remember one big fight in the summer where communication came up again which lead to a discussion about our future. Nothing too serious but we both agreed that there was a future for us. I was laid off this past fall and it was very hard for me. I struggled to find employment in the city and was not at my best. I had employment insurance so finances weren't an issue. She was very supportive and patient. After a few weeks I decided that I wanted to travel since I had never done so before. She also supported me with this (she is very well-travelled). So for a month I travelled Europe by myself and it was amazing. My ex-girlfriend and I stayed in contact during the entire trip. She was travelling for work as well so it wasn't too lonely for her during the short time she was at our apartment. While I was travelling I missed her very much and was excited to bring her back to all of the favourite places I had been that she hadn't been to yet. I returned from my trip to her and things were great! I got back into the swing of things and the job hunt but no real bites. My ex-girlfriend had booked tickets for a trip while I was gone but I wasn't surprised since she had been planning this trip for some time now. She became very busy at work and I felt bad because I was unemployed. I tried my best to do as much as I could to help her out during the next few weeks leading up to her trip. She would stay late at work and leave early and I could sense her stress levels. We spent some time together not doing anything out of the ordinary. Weeks pass and she's leaving for her trip and she just got a promotion the same day! Everything was great when she left (or so I thought) and I was happy and excited for her and for us. She was on vacation for about a month visiting her one girlfriend for a week and then another girlfriend in another country for the rest of her trip. We tried our best to keep in contact but it wasn't possible for the majority of the time due to the remoteness of some of the places she went. It was her first time having christmas and new years away from home/family/me in another country. We fb messaged, texted, and skyped however we weren't able to skype on christmas or new years, mostly texting. She would send pictures and tell me about her travels just like any other time she's been gone. She's coming home and I surprise her at the airport and we hug, kiss and tell each other how much we love and miss one another. I'm so happy! She seems distant during the ride home I can tell something is different... I ask her whats wrong and she says she's just jet lagged. We get home and she tells me about her trip for a little bit then she goes to sleep. Its the weekend and for the next couple days our sleeping patterns are opposite and we barely talk. I definitely think something is wrong but she says nothing is wrong so I blame the jet lag and get a little frustrated and I start acting distant for some reason. Mid-week she comes home early from work due to exhaustion and takes a nap. Later that night she wakes up and we have dinner. After dinner out of the blue and in one breath she says, "We need to talk. I'm not happy. I don't want to be in a relationship anymore." I'm speechless and she goes on about how comfortable we've become, we don't go out, we don't meet new people, how I never want her to go out with my friends (vice versa), we don't have things in common but rather we only "have things together", we don't challenge each other and that there are so many more things she wants to do. I try to reason with her but it seems as though she's had her mind made up for some time. She tells me she doesn't feel the same way about me like she used to and doesn't see a future for us anymore. All of this out of nowhere. She leaves the apt for the night and we talk again the next day with the same result. She tells me that she doesn't know what she wants and needs to be alone and that she doesn't want me to change for her and that one day we'll both find someone who loves us for who we are. She tells me there is nothing I did wrong or could have done to change anything. I pack all my belongings that day and prepare to move out that weekend. Before I leave we're both in tears kissing, hugging, telling each other how sorry we are and how we will always care for and love each other. This is the saddest day of my life. It has been over 2 weeks since this happened. We have had minimum contact limited to apartment matters but nothing more. I am temporarily living with my parents until I get back on my feet. I am very sad and have no idea what my next move is. She was my life. I miss her so much. I don't know where I went wrong. Why didn't she bring up these things before? I'm so confused. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance! Edited February 3, 2014 by picnicinthepark
itsabiguniverse Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Wow, that sounds really harsh and I am going through something very similar. My ex bf said some of the things your ex gf said to you about why she didnt think the relationship was for her, and its confusing. My best advice on this issue is that maybe you should just take advantage of this time you now have on your own, it will be the last time you get to be single and see whats out there before you get tied down for the rest of your life! If you're like me, that wont sound All that appealing without the ex but if you think about it, we should be taking advantage of this time exploring for ourselves and seeing who else is out there. I've basically only been with my ex and even though i only want to be with him, ive always wondered what it would be like to be with someone else or to see how other guys can treat me. While you're exploring and having some you-time, maybe she can have time to herself and figure it out that she misses you and everything. Maybe she'll come back, maybe not. But i always think that if it is meant to be, it will work itself out in the future no matter what and if it doesn't, then you will find something better. 1
sportzhl24 Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 First off I'm sorry that had to happen to you. I haven't been with somebody for 5 years but I can imagine how much that must hurt when they take off like that. The best thing you can do right now is to give her 100 percent space. Back off completely. No contact; no texting, fb, calls, letters, nothing. It sounds like she has made up her mind and is pretty solid about her decision. So again the best thing to do is just back off. I know it sucks and it is one of the most painful things to deal with, but you must accept this into your heart and start focusing on yourself. There are literally formulas for dealing with breakups, as you will discover on LS if you continue to read/make posts. Stay strong bro, I know how break ups feel, they suck, so keep afloat. Survival mode. You are going to be fine. 1
Author picnicinthepark Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Wow, that sounds really harsh and I am going through something very similar. My ex bf said some of the things your ex gf said to you about why she didnt think the relationship was for her, and its confusing. My best advice on this issue is that maybe you should just take advantage of this time you now have on your own, it will be the last time you get to be single and see whats out there before you get tied down for the rest of your life! If you're like me, that wont sound All that appealing without the ex but if you think about it, we should be taking advantage of this time exploring for ourselves and seeing who else is out there. I've basically only been with my ex and even though i only want to be with him, ive always wondered what it would be like to be with someone else or to see how other guys can treat me. While you're exploring and having some you-time, maybe she can have time to herself and figure it out that she misses you and everything. Maybe she'll come back, maybe not. But i always think that if it is meant to be, it will work itself out in the future no matter what and if it doesn't, then you will find something better. Thanks for the advice. It does not sound appealing to me at all either. A future with her is all I knew. I had a few girlfriends before her but nothing too serious. I knew from the beginning of our relationship that she was special and that I could see us spending the rest of our lives together. I was close with her family and she was the same with mine. I just don't understand how she didn't even want to fight for us and at least bring up these issues instead of just holding them in. I'll admit that I shared most of these concerns and I should have also brought them up and I agree that we became comfortable but I don't think thats necessarily a bad thing? We definitely stopped doing things like we used to in the beginning (picnics, dancing, running, hiking, etc.) but we had so much freedom, time, and less worries back then. I should have made more of an effort to rekindle our relationship and now that I think about it I've realized that I always knew this but never acted on it until it was too late. She would ask me if I wanted to go to gym classes with her, go out with her girlfriends, etc. and I'd respectfully decline. She was trying too I suppose but I wish we communicated about these concerns more openly. I've had some time to look at everything from a different perspective and after talking with a lot of friends and family I've realized that everything we ever did in our relationship was a result of what we knew to be right at that moment in time. Maybe it was right for me, maybe it was right for her or maybe it was right for us, etc. that was just who we were. If I could go back and do it all over again I would but we all know that's impossible. Maybe one day we'll perfect for each other but I think holding on to that hope won't help me in the long run. As for being single, exploring, etc. I don't think I'm quite ready for that right now. I also thought about what it would be like with someone else then immediately dismissed these ideas because I genuinely thought that she was the right one for me. I can't imagine her with anyone else. It really hurts for me to think about that. But you're right I need to be selfish and focus on myself right now. First off I'm sorry that had to happen to you. I haven't been with somebody for 5 years but I can imagine how much that must hurt when they take off like that. The best thing you can do right now is to give her 100 percent space. Back off completely. No contact; no texting, fb, calls, letters, nothing. It sounds like she has made up her mind and is pretty solid about her decision. So again the best thing to do is just back off. I know it sucks and it is one of the most painful things to deal with, but you must accept this into your heart and start focusing on yourself. There are literally formulas for dealing with breakups, as you will discover on LS if you continue to read/make posts. Stay strong bro, I know how break ups feel, they suck, so keep afloat. Survival mode. You are going to be fine. Thank you for your kind words. I agree that space is necessary but this is all very fresh and it is very difficult for me to just shut her out of my life. Its been over 2 weeks since I last saw or spoke to her. Sometimes I want to message her so badly. I'm used to talking to her about everything. I slipped maybe a week ago and sent her a text to check in on her. She responded and we both agreed that it was best to take time and focus on ourselves but be open to communicate when we felt like we were ready to. I've been keeping busy with the job hunt, training for a marathon, learning a new language, etc. Unfortunately, as busy as I am I still think about her. The hardest are the moments before I go to sleep and when I wake up. In the back of my mind I'm telling myself that she's coming back, she's just confused, etc. It crushes me when I wake up and she's not there and reality hits me. I've been visiting friends in the city during the weekends to maintain some sanity and its hard to not think of her. It seems like everywhere I go something takes me back and reminds me of her. As cliche as it sounds I'm confident that it'll only get better with time and regardless of the outcome, we'll both be better.
conf Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Mid-week she comes home early from work due to exhaustion and takes a nap. Later that night she wakes up and we have dinner. After dinner out of the blue and in one breath she says, "We need to talk. I'm not happy. I don't want to be in a relationship anymore." I'm speechless and she goes on about how comfortable we've become, we don't go out, we don't meet new people, how I never want her to go out with my friends (vice versa), we don't have things in common but rather we only "have things together", we don't challenge each other and that there are so many more things she wants to do. I try to reason with her but it seems as though she's had her mind made up for some time. She tells me she doesn't feel the same way about me like she used to and doesn't see a future for us anymore. All of this out of nowhere. Probably in this trip she met someone. That's why she was distant. I dont say that she cheated but probably she felt the butterflies and the excitement of something new and she want to chase them.
flightplan Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Probably in this trip she met someone. That's why she was distant. I dont say that she cheated but probably she felt the butterflies and the excitement of something new and she want to chase them. +1 Without a doubt. She met someone who gave her a rush. Sorry dude, but that happens a lot. I don't see much of a mystery here. Hang in there...
ithappenedagain Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I've been keeping busy with the job hunt, training for a marathon, learning a new language, etc. Unfortunately, as busy as I am I still think about her. The hardest are the moments before I go to sleep and when I wake up. In the back of my mind I'm telling myself that she's coming back, she's just confused, etc. It crushes me when I wake up and she's not there and reality hits me. I've been visiting friends in the city during the weekends to maintain some sanity and its hard to not think of her. It seems like everywhere I go something takes me back and reminds me of her. As cliche as it sounds I'm confident that it'll only get better with time and regardless of the outcome, we'll both be better. I feel your pain and I am so sorry for the breakup. 5 years is a lot of time and investment. I once had a breakup where I dated a girl for 4 years, and we even moved to a new state together. A month into our big move, she broke up with me! I was lost and confused and scared. I didnt want to even go out, let along hook up with other girls for a LONG time. In fact, I think it took me 7 or 8 months to finally pick myself up and get out... Like you said. The mornings and nights are the worst. Your mind just wont stop spinning. You almost start to believe that everything you are thinking is TRUE when in fact most of it is jibberish. It's completely normal. I am going through the same thing right now. I am still in the denial stage with my current heart break It's only been 3 weeks, and in those 3 weeks I have: -moved out -got a new apartment -got a promotion at work (I am the boss now!) A ton of crap has happened in 3 weeks, yet I have only heard from her once.. and that was 2 weeks ago. She told me i forgot my ipad at our old place... It's tough man. I really thought she was the one too... we will get over this, but like you said. it will take time. Please post here. I would love to hear how you are going.
Author picnicinthepark Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Probably in this trip she met someone. That's why she was distant. I dont say that she cheated but probably she felt the butterflies and the excitement of something new and she want to chase them. She's definitely got the travel bug but she never came back like this all the other times she's been away. I don't want to believe it but I suppose you make a valid point. +1 Without a doubt. She met someone who gave her a rush. Sorry dude, but that happens a lot. I don't see much of a mystery here. Hang in there... Thank you I'm trying my best. I just don't understand how someone you think loves you so deeply can just drop everything in an instant. I'd also like to give her the benefit of the doubt and think that she'd tell me if that was the case. I don't think I'm doing myself a favour by succumbing to these thoughts. I feel your pain and I am so sorry for the breakup. 5 years is a lot of time and investment. I once had a breakup where I dated a girl for 4 years, and we even moved to a new state together. A month into our big move, she broke up with me! I was lost and confused and scared. I didnt want to even go out, let along hook up with other girls for a LONG time. In fact, I think it took me 7 or 8 months to finally pick myself up and get out... Like you said. The mornings and nights are the worst. Your mind just wont stop spinning. You almost start to believe that everything you are thinking is TRUE when in fact most of it is jibberish. It's completely normal. I am going through the same thing right now. I am still in the denial stage with my current heart break It's only been 3 weeks, and in those 3 weeks I have: -moved out -got a new apartment -got a promotion at work (I am the boss now!) A ton of crap has happened in 3 weeks, yet I have only heard from her once.. and that was 2 weeks ago. She told me i forgot my ipad at our old place... It's tough man. I really thought she was the one too... we will get over this, but like you said. it will take time. Please post here. I would love to hear how you are going. I'm so sorry to hear that you're in a similar situation. It truly is difficult. However I'm glad to hear you've made positive progress in your life. I'm currently living with my parents and unemployed while I get back on my feet. Their support is great but being back home isn't helping things. I'd like to eventually move back into the city once I've secured employment. I haven't had contact with her since maybe last week when I checked in. On several occasions I've fought the temptation to message her. I think its best to wait until we're both ready. I don't want to start from square one again. Our mutual friend visited her this past weekend and I was also in the city visiting a friend. I don't like to put our mutual friends in the position of choosing sides or feeling uncomfortable. But it's been nice to reconnect with friends since our relationships were neglected due to life I guess. I'm trying my best to keep busy so my mind doesn't wander. Thank you for your kind words and I also look forward to hear about how you're coping.
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