I am broken... Boyfriend breaks up because I have to move away for a job.

[ain5053]

I am 22, and my boyfriend is 27. We have been dating for 1 and a half years and living together for about a year.

 

We are best friends in every way. We have everything in common (except our career goals), we never fight (except about career goals), and we are both madly in love with each other and have been ever since the day we met. He is the most gorgeous man I've met, and absolutely the best person I know. At least so I thought..

 

He tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. That I am his one and true love. He doesn't know how to live without me.

3 months into our relationship, I was about to graduate from university and wanted to move for a job. He broke up with me by not talking to me for 3 days and then removing our relationship on Facebook. Yes, this guy is a 27 year old business owner and an engineer. After a month and a half of crying and not hearing from him, fate brought us together again. (It was literally fate) We started talking again, and he acknowledged how much of a coward he was. He admitted he was just terrified of me moving away because his feelings for me were becoming so strong. I forgave him and we got back to being the happiest people in the world. I did not move away.

 

One year later (exactly). Again, the week on SuperBowl.

I get a temporary 6 month contract offer for my dream job, but it is far away. He encourages me to take it, saying how happy he is for me. So, I take it.. Thinking 6 months is nothing in relation to the rest of our lives. Well, he is telling me he doesn't want to even try to do the LDR because he has tried it in the past and it didn't work and wants to break up... He says he doesn't see how this will work, since his job requires him to stay put and mine will make me move around for a couple of years. What's worse, is I moved out 2 weeks ago from our house to my mom's house (my only chance to get out of my lease), and now he doesn't even want to see me before I move cross country....

 

I am completely broken. I feel like I did the first time he broke up with me, but worse, because at this point our feelings our so strong and there was no doubt in my mind we were going to get married. I am so disappointed and confused. I am terrified. Terrified of moving to a place where I know no one, starting a new job, without anyone by my side, and without the person that matters the world to me. Terrified that this is the end for us.

 

I basically begged him to just wait for 6 months and see what happens, do the LDR... But he is giving me no options. Either I move and we break up.. and that's it. He knew this was going to happen and always told me he would go where I go and move where I have to move. But now he is choosing his career over being with me. And I don't know what to do. I am completely lost and heartbroken. I have no doubt he loves me more than anything, but I do not understand why he is not willing to wait... or even see me before I move... I am still only 2 hours away for another week and a half.

 

Should I drive and see him? Should I stop replying to his text messages, or answer his calls if he calls? Should I do the opposite? Do I just forget about him and pack and move? (Can't do that)

[ain5053]

It feels like the end of the world. I have never met another like him. I don't think I can fall in love like this again... He is the man I picture I get married to, have a family with.... We are so very similar, and he is not just someone I love, but my one and only best friend. We laugh together about anything, and we are always a team. We've talked about marriage and spending the rest of our lives together many times. I am just confused as to whether I am brainwashed or whether what he is doing might be truly the best. I need to hear outside opinions...

 

I am not willing to give up my career for him, but willing to make sacrifices, like maybe take it slower with my career. I can only have a job in a few places in the country, while he can literally get a job anywhere. But for some reason now that it's that time, he is refusing to make any compromises....

[ain5053]

This is hard because there was nothing that was wrong with our relationship... When we are together, the world is the limit. I don't know how I am supposed to just move and eave... leave him behind. Leave everything behind..

[fixing]

Hey. Im so sorry for your pain right now. You boyfriend/ex sounds like a control freak. He is very selfish and very stubborn too. The thing is, if he really loved you the way you proclaim he would NOT break up with you.

I mean, he selfishly broke up with you the first time you went away for work and now he is doing it again. Its pathetic. Especially if he tells you he loves you.

 

Should you drive to him? Call him? reply to his texts? HELL NO!!!

 

Start no contact. You would not be moving for this job if it meant nothing to you. Its obviously important otherwise you wouldnt be moving.

 

Call his bluff. Cut off contact and go and do your new job. Start a fresh, and trust me, if he really loves you, time will tell because he will come crawling across the country to make it upto you.

 

Dont give in. Be strong. TEST this supposed love and see where it leads.

 

NO CONTACT AND GOOD LUCK WITH THE NEW JOB

[ain5053]

Hey. Im so sorry for your pain right now. You boyfriend/ex sounds like a control freak. He is very selfish and very stubborn too. The thing is, if he really loved you the way you proclaim he would NOT break up with you.

I mean, he selfishly broke up with you the first time you went away for work and now he is doing it again. Its pathetic. Especially if he tells you he loves you.

 

Should you drive to him? Call him? reply to his texts? HELL NO!!!

 

Start no contact. You would not be moving for this job if it meant nothing to you. Its obviously important otherwise you wouldnt be moving.

 

Call his bluff. Cut off contact and go and do your new job. Start a fresh, and trust me, if he really loves you, time will tell because he will come crawling across the country to make it upto you.

 

Dont give in. Be strong. TEST this supposed love and see where it leads.

 

NO CONTACT AND GOOD LUCK WITH THE NEW JOB

 

Thank you for your kind reply.. I agree that he is being very selfish in this situation, especially knowing the kind of relationship we have. I feel like our love can move mountains.. I really believed in that until now.

I understand he is scared. Wouldn't say he is a "control freak" but he does have a plan, and when something doesn't go by his plan he freaks out. I was never a part of his plan, until we met. I thought that our love would allow him to be more lenient, after all, he can be an engineer anywhere in the country... I am an artist for video games and VFX, and opportunities are limited. He knew this getting into a relationship with me and making me fall madly in love.

I don't see an issue here... I go to work, and 6 months later I come back and we figure out the next step together. I even told him I am willing to settle down for a job in his area (not as good of a job as I could get in different place). But he says: "I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN LDR!! I've done it before and it doesn't work.. That's it"

 

I want to see him before I move.. I can't imagine not seeing him or talking to him for 6 months, or forever.. He technically did not break up with me yet, just thinking about it. And if he does, I need closure.. I can't handle what he did last time again (take our relationship off Facebook BEFORE breaking up with me and then not talking to me at ALL for a month and a half.. without a warning)

 

 

He is saying I am being childish... I can't see how.. I am just fighting for my love.

[fixing]

Yeah, you have what sounds like an awesome job opportunity. I would NOT pass that up because of an non compromising partner.

Like you said, he is an engineer, and he can move anywhere with that skill.

Have you told him your 100% moving for this job but you still love him and want to be together??

If you have, then i dont see why you should go out of your way in seeing him.

He has put an ultimatum to you. Leave for job and we're though. Just like before.

That is very controlling. Seriously. Your only together 1.5 years. Dont throw away an awesome job opportunity.

 

I guess, if your going to see him one last time before you go, then tell him something like 'Look, i love you with all my heart, i want no one but you, but my career opportunity's are very limited. I must take this job for 6 months. We can work out arrangements to see each other once every 2 weeks (Or more/less)

If you cannot work with me on this, then i guess its time to say goodbye.

 

Than go into no contact (Unless obviously you work something out)

[ain5053]

Your answer means a lot, though.. Thank you. Seems like this will be my new hangout place. Not like I will have any boyfriends or friends or family around for the next 6 months..

 

 

I am typically a very confident, assertive young woman.. I can be selfish in order to get what I want, and above all I am very strong. But this is taking its toll on me and breaking me down. I knew I would have to make a huge move sooner or later. I knew I would make probably 4 or 5 of them in the next several years. But what I feel for this guy... I did not realize this will be the hardest thing I will ever do. In a way I feel like I am leaving him, not him leaving me. I feel guilty. When I know I shouldn't, because I am simply following my dream. I already beat all the odds with my career, and I feel like I am on the path to be very successful. But a part of me feels that maybe it is worth giving up my love.. feeling so empty?

 

 

Sorry I keep blabbing. I just need someone to talk to and instead just writing my thoughts here.

[ain5053]

The thing is, he is not trying to manipulate me into staying. He knows and knew all along how important my career is for me and how limited my chances of success actually are. He constantly says "I would NEVER ask you to give up your dream" or "I would not let you stay even if you wanted to"

 

So he is not giving me a choice at all. He is letting me go because he knows how important it is for me, but at the same time he is not willing to compromise his career, which I understand. I am not asking him to do that either. I just want him to wait and see what happens.. Who knows.. Maybe I will get a great job in his area (there is one company close to him). Maybe he will be able to get the same job in my area... Who knows? We don't know the future. But we do know that we still have 2 weeks here together and it is up to us what we do with this time... And the kind of mindset we have going into this.. Seems like he is not even trying.

 

Yes, he knows how much I love him and how much I want to stay together. He knows I am willing to compromise. But he is choosing to let me go instead and focus on my career while he focuses on his.

[ain5053]

I've talked to my girlfriends about this, and all they can say is "You are too good for him" or "What a coward".

 

 

Not very helpful to get a realistic perspective onto this situation...

[f1asr88]

Your boyfriend should be supporting you in your career, and want you to achieve your ambitions. And he should want you to do that as his girlfriend if he loves you that much, and try to make it work.

 

Maybe you could ask him what went wrong with previous LDRs, and reassure him that you will still be the same devoted girlfriend, even if you do move away? Maybe he's afraid you'll meet someone else whilst you're there?

 

If you don't take this opportunity and your relationship doesn't last anyway, you will be hugely regretful, and prehaps resentful of him if you do stay put with him.

[ain5053]

Your boyfriend should be supporting you in your career, and want you to achieve your ambitions. And he should want you to do that as his girlfriend if he loves you that much, and try to make it work.

 

Maybe you could ask him what went wrong with previous LDRs, and reassure him that you will still be the same devoted girlfriend, even if you do move away? Maybe he's afraid you'll meet someone else whilst you're there?

 

If you don't take this opportunity and your relationship doesn't last anyway, you will be hugely regretful, and prehaps resentful of him if you do stay put with him.

 

I agree, even he agrees that me not taking this opportunity or any opportunity in the future is not an option. He knows I would resent him for it at some point..

He says he does not want a LDR, because even if you say nothing will change, things will change, and the two people will eventually grow apart.

Seems like he doesn't understand that you have to work at it.... and you can make it work, but only if both people work at it.. Right now I feel like I am the only one working, trying to keep us together. I stopped replying to his text several hours ago, but he said he will call me later after work. I will probably answer the call and try to talk about it as calmly as I can.

Not sure what I can do to make him change his mind...

He's never acted so cold to me besides the last time he did the same exact thing..

[soccerrprp]

He doesn't want a LDR and I don't blame him. Neither of you have a sensible, stable plan. I mean, why would you think someone would be okay with a LDR knowing that it may be for years?! Unless you think he'll budge and move to you? Or you to him and give up your dream? Right guy, perhaps, but wrong timing. Either one of you gives up something huge or both walk away and live separate lives and look each other up in a few years.

 

He doesn't want a LDR. He doesn't want to work on that. He doesn't want to complicate the relationship, so YOU either give up your career as it is today to be with him, or you walk...sadly.

[Kopite]

I can sympathise with your boyfriend to be honest. I was really supportive of my girlfriend when she got offered a few missions abroad in other countries, always telling her to follow her dreams. I couldn't follow her but I waited for her. In the end, it was all for nothing because she stopped loving me after a few months away during her second trip.

 

Never again will I do long-distance.

[Heroeric]

I was in a similar boat as you, but my relationship ended a different way. My ex and I had our whole future planed out, we thought it would be forever and always. But our bug issue was school, well she wanted to move far away for school while I didn't. To be honest it's extremely difficult to go through finding out what to do with all that as you know. But she was leaving for quite a few years, roughly 5 to 6 years. In your circumstances, 6 months of being away as long as you were coming back for a long time, he should have been willing for that. Even I would have welcomed such if that was my relationship. To be honest, the way it sounds I think he has some things he needs to work on. I'm sure he's a good person deep down, but he has some more learning to do. We all do. I encourage you to be strong and push forward with your life, go no contact and let the future tell for itself. Its gonna be a hell of a struggle, but have faith because everything will go as planned for you.