Recent break-up over seriousness of relationship

[bronzon]

Hi LoveShack,

 

Just found this wonderful gem of a community. Spent the last couple of hours just reading through posts.

 

Question for you guys. GF and I just broke up 4 days ago (she with me). We had been together about 8 months. When we started she told me she wasnt looking for anything serious.

 

Relationship got pretty serious, she had a lot of stress at work, and we had some other issues too. I think I was basing too much of my happiness on the frequency of sex. So she also stressed out a lot over keeping me happy and our sex life.

 

Anyway, she breaks up with me and says "I need to be selfish for a while", I'm crying and asking if there's any way we can work through it. She says no, she just needs time and space to be ready for a serious relationship. I told her, I don't get back with ex's, but she says she loves me and asks me not to rule out us getting back together in the future. I tell her, I want someone who is willing to put as much into the relationship as I do.

 

Later that night, send her a text that says that I thought more about her reasons for breaking up, and that I understood them better. Told her I was going to miss her and that I don't know if we can be friends, she replies that she hopes we can be friends down the road.

 

Haven't spoken to her since, but haven't blocked her on fb, gchat, anything. Is blocking necessary? I've had, literally, the 4 best days that I've had in MONTHS since we broke up. I based way too much of my happiness on her during the relationship, and that really weighed on her. Used to be super out-going but slowly just came to depend on her for happiness. So maybe I wasn't ready for a relationship either, since I didn't know how to keep my individuality in a relationship.

 

But I guess the major question is this.. She wants to be friends now with possibility of getting back together in the future. We're in the same friend group. I'm not going to lose the rest of my friends because of her. Do I just go out with them and ignore her, or what?

 

Up until I started reading through posts here on LoveShack I was pretty determined to get her back. Fantastic girl. Beautiful, smart, fun, interesting, we always have so much fun together. That's why she wants me as a friend, without the stress of keeping me happy as a girlfriend (I know that I shouldn't be putting that stress on a girlfriend, and I am trying to fix that). And if I want her back, shouldn't I keep the lines of communication open? To not grow too distant...? Honestly though, if the last 4 days are any indication, time spent apart could be great for us. Just don't know how long to maintain NC.

 

Thanks for any insight.

 

P.S. Should I change my netflix password? She's been binge watching on my netflix since the break up.

 

P.P.S. Should probably mention that I do, of course, still have feelings for her. In fact, I love her enough that I'm happy that she's out of a relationship that was making her more stressed out on top of her stressful work situation. So maybe this is just a wait and see situation? As to whether we will grow into people a little more compatible (basically, we're very compatible, we both just made some wrong choices in the relationship). Or should I try to steer us back together?

 

Probably best to give her the space she was asking for, I suppose, even if she does say that she still loves me.

Edited January 22, 2014 by bronzon

[chris21422]

Bro if a person loves you enough she won't break up with you in the first place.

 

Saying she is not ready for serious relationship is just an excuse bro..

 

And seriously if she is not ready yet do you want to wait for her to be ready? No bro..

 

You move on.. You show her you can live your life without her.

 

Remove her in social media and just disappear for a while your moving on.

 

You show her what is it really like without you.

[bronzon]

First off, thanks for replying. It does mean a lot.

 

Both of us barely use social media. The only program we used to use is gchat, to chat during work. So what would be the point of blocking her on Facebook? We barely update our facebooks anyway.

 

And I guess I should mention that she wanted to go on a break, not break up initially. I told her that I don't do breaks, we either try to work through the issue or we break-up. I can't stand the are-we or aren't-we of a break.

 

But I do feel like there are times when people cannot focus on a relationship. Stressful work plus boyfriend who demanded her attention might be one of them. She wasn't about to choose me over her job. And like I said, I know that I need to change that aspect of my relationship actions.

 

Maybe I am just in denial.

 

And the idea of showing her what the world is really like without me... maybe I am just a doormat, but I don't want to hurt her. But it does sound tempting... In fact, if I can't stop myself from going to her FB page, I will block it. But more for me to heal, not to hurt her.

[chris21422]

Yea she decide to have a break once you have a break it won't be the same as before bro and might just end up just being over for good.

 

What you do now is give her all the time and space that she wants..

 

It's also good to disappear while healing bro. She probably gonna send you lots of breadcrumbs and wonder where are you as confused girls tend to always do this..

 

I suggest to not reply to those and focus on yourself for now. If she really wants to work things out she will say it.

 

 

First off, thanks for replying. It does mean a lot.

 

Both of us barely use social media. The only program we used to use is gchat, to chat during work. So what would be the point of blocking her on Facebook? We barely update our facebooks anyway.

 

And I guess I should mention that she wanted to go on a break, not break up initially. I told her that I don't do breaks, we either try to work through the issue or we break-up. I can't stand the are-we or aren't-we of a break.

 

But I do feel like there are times when people cannot focus on a relationship. Stressful work plus boyfriend who demanded her attention might be one of them. She wasn't about to choose me over her job. And like I said, I know that I need to change that aspect of my relationship actions.

 

Maybe I am just in denial.

 

And the idea of showing her what the world is really like without me... maybe I am just a doormat, but I don't want to hurt her. But it does sound tempting... In fact, if I can't stop myself from going to her FB page, I will block it. But more for me to heal, not to hurt her.

[bronzon]

Thanks man.

 

Defriend/blocked her on facebook, blocked her from gchat, signed her out of Netflix and changed the password.

 

Thanks for the prodding.

 

One of the reasons why I was hesitant to do this is that I feel like I pressured her into breaking up with me. The day that we broke up she was very friendly, trying hard to make it work. Then I realized she had forgotten when my birthday was and was going to some company thing... I got mad at her and confronted her about it, and I feel like I confirmed for her that she couldn't be in a serious relationship right now.

 

I mean, I have every right to want a girlfriend that knows when my birthday is celebrates it with me. But she also has the right to want to make sure that she does well at her job. So maybe we both have a bit of growing to do.

 

But still, if I had let go of the gas a bit, not confronted her about that, let her sort out all of her work stress, let her figure herself out (just to mention, she's 22, I'm 24), maybe we could have kept the relationship and eventually figured out everything.

 

Instead, here I am now, having blocked her from everything. Been going to the gym twice a day to get her out of my head, and still I'm not tired enough to fall asleep (3 am here right now).

 

Doubt I'm going to get breadcrumbs. Both of us are pretty stubborn. Once we set our minds to something, we do it. So I don't think NC will be too much of a problem for me. To tell you the truth, she isn't my first love, had a 3 year relationship which hurt a lot more. Took me a while to find my balance after that one, but unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) it also gave me the ability to detach emotions and focus on myself.

[chris21422]

you'll past this man.. You already went through this before..

 

Now that you blocked her.. I doubt she will start wonder where are you and what your up to..

 

Just remember man don't respond to anything less than I want you back, Lets work things out, I am ready to start again..

 

I am sure she will contact you just to check if you are still there for her.. Once she finds that out she'll be gone again and you will be left hanging wondering..

 

So just don't reply to breadcrumbs and focus on moving on with your life without her.

 

 

Thanks man.

 

Defriend/blocked her on facebook, blocked her from gchat, signed her out of Netflix and changed the password.

 

Thanks for the prodding.

 

One of the reasons why I was hesitant to do this is that I feel like I pressured her into breaking up with me. The day that we broke up she was very friendly, trying hard to make it work. Then I realized she had forgotten when my birthday was and was going to some company thing... I got mad at her and confronted her about it, and I feel like I confirmed for her that she couldn't be in a serious relationship right now.

 

I mean, I have every right to want a girlfriend that knows when my birthday is celebrates it with me. But she also has the right to want to make sure that she does well at her job. So maybe we both have a bit of growing to do.

 

But still, if I had let go of the gas a bit, not confronted her about that, let her sort out all of her work stress, let her figure herself out (just to mention, she's 22, I'm 24), maybe we could have kept the relationship and eventually figured out everything.

 

Instead, here I am now, having blocked her from everything. Been going to the gym twice a day to get her out of my head, and still I'm not tired enough to fall asleep (3 am here right now).

 

Doubt I'm going to get breadcrumbs. Both of us are pretty stubborn. Once we set our minds to something, we do it. So I don't think NC will be too much of a problem for me. To tell you the truth, she isn't my first love, had a 3 year relationship which hurt a lot more. Took me a while to find my balance after that one, but unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) it also gave me the ability to detach emotions and focus on myself.

[bronzon]

you'll past this man.. You already went through this before..

 

Now that you blocked her.. I doubt she will start wonder where are you and what your up to..

 

Just remember man don't respond to anything less than I want you back, Lets work things out, I am ready to start again..

 

I am sure she will contact you just to check if you are still there for her.. Once she finds that out she'll be gone again and you will be left hanging wondering..

 

So just don't reply to breadcrumbs and focus on moving on with your life without her.

 

Thanks man. Like I said, I don't expect bread crumbs, especially not so soon. Maybe she will send some. At least it will be an ego boost.

 

If she does message to check whether I am stil there for her, it will be tough to not respond.. I do still have feelings for her, and I did tell her that I would be there for her. But I guess in the end it's better to be a liar and to heal, than to stick to a promise that will only end up hurting me more...

 

Sometimes relationships do fall apart for dumb reasons. Had some high school friends break it off for a bit and they're getting married in May now. So I know that just because it didn't work out once doesn't mean it won't ever work out. But at the same time, I can't dwell on it and wait for it to happen. But, man, that girl is one in a billion.

[bronzon]

Honestly guys, I need some more support. Only managed to get 3 hours of sleep last night, woke up thinking about how to get her back and slightly worried that I'm hurting her by blocking her on facebook/gchat and taking away her netflix access.

 

She's a really great, caring person that is very interesting, and I'd love to spend more time in a relationship with her.

 

Maybe I'm just too raw. Anyway, I'm posting on here rather than using our mutual friends as support. I don't want her to hear about these thoughts of mine.

 

Edit: Just ridiculous how even though I've already been through this with someone before, how much effort it takes to keep myself under control. Just ridiculous the strength of these emotions.

 

Edit 2: But I guess I have learned some things. I am happy for her if she really felt like she was getting too stressed out by our relationship, and if she finds someone with whome she feels happier, then all power to her. In fact, that would help me move on, if I see that she is happy with someone else.

 

Or maybe I'm just fooling myself.

Edited January 22, 2014 by bronzon

[TaraMaiden]

Honestly guys, I need some more support. Only managed to get 3 hours of sleep last night, woke up thinking about how to get her back and slightly worried that I'm hurting her by blocking her on facebook/gchat and taking away her netflix access.

Damn that. Quit focusing on her feelings and turn your attention to you.

When people break up, the dumper has to become a little selfish, safeguard their heart and emotions and go into self-preservation mode.

Stop putting her first, because helldammit, she has never done that to you!

 

She's a really great, caring person that is very interesting, and I'd love to spend more time in a relationship with her.

Minor problem here....

She - doesn't.

You can't 'want' enough for two.

 

Read my No Contact Guide.

it will do you the power of good.....

[bronzon]

Damn that. Quit focusing on her feelings and turn your attention to you.

When people break up, the dumper has to become a little selfish, safeguard their heart and emotions and go into self-preservation mode.

Stop putting her first, because helldammit, she has never done that to you!

 

 

Minor problem here....

She - doesn't.

You can't 'want' enough for two.

 

Read my No Contact Guide.

it will do you the power of good.....

 

Thanks for reading Tara! I agree, I should be more selfish now.

 

I did read the No Contact guide, that's why I wanted your opinion! The trouble is our mutual friends keep telling me that she will come back, and that I am making it harder by unfriending her on Facebook, for example. Little bit aggravating.

 

But you're right, I should stop putting her first. I should be asking myself, what do I need to do to make ME happy, not what do I need to do to get back with her...

[Purepony]

Right now forget about her and focus on yourself blocker from all social media change your Netflix password and move on.

 

Trust me if she wants you back you will know it she will find you she will track you down

[pteromom]

You say you were basing too much happiness on the frequency of sex, but is that really a problem on your end, or is it that you aren't compatible in that area? Sounds to me like she is more independent and wants more space and freedom to do her job and her own thing, while you are more interested in closeness and going through everything together. And neither of those are wrong or right - it's just a matter of compatibility.

 

If you went forward with this relationship, she'd always be wanting space and feel smothered, and you would always be pining for the affection she wouldn't be giving you. Not very fulfilling for either one of you!

 

Despite what your heart is feeling, it is probably best that you move forward, give yourself a little time, and find someone who wants the same thing you do. It may hurt temporarily, but in the long run, you are going to be much much happier. And so will she.

[bronzon]

You say you were basing too much happiness on the frequency of sex, but is that really a problem on your end, or is it that you aren't compatible in that area? Sounds to me like she is more independent and wants more space and freedom to do her job and her own thing, while you are more interested in closeness and going through everything together. And neither of those are wrong or right - it's just a matter of compatibility.

 

If you went forward with this relationship, she'd always be wanting space and feel smothered, and you would always be pining for the affection she wouldn't be giving you. Not very fulfilling for either one of you!

 

Despite what your heart is feeling, it is probably best that you move forward, give yourself a little time, and find someone who wants the same thing you do. It may hurt temporarily, but in the long run, you are going to be much much happier. And so will she.

 

First off again, thanks for responding.

 

Second... Ouch. Honestly, almost made me cry.

 

I see where you are coming from, though. And, I do admit, it does seem like that from a distance. However, there is more to it than that. She did say that she does not want a serious relationship now, not ever. And I know that she's a kind, caring person. And she does want the same experience of closeness, a healthy sex life. Just not know. She's only been out of college a year. I'm 24.

 

Honestly, being in the relationship was stressing her out, and I'm happy if she is feeling better without me, no matter how sad I am that we're not together.

 

But just because now she doesn't want these things, she might want them in the future.

 

Now, I know that I need to focus on myself, learn again how to be happy by myself, try to move on, and not let myself wait for her. But I have this nagging suspicion that even if I do move on, she will still be one of those girls that I can't resist going after. Just hard when I have found someone whose personality I like so much. Literally never met anyone like her.

[pteromom]

Second... Ouch. Honestly, almost made me cry.

 

Sorry! Not trying to make you cry.

 

I see where you are coming from, though. And, I do admit, it does seem like that from a distance. However, there is more to it than that. She did say that she does not want a serious relationship now, not ever. And I know that she's a kind, caring person. And she does want the same experience of closeness, a healthy sex life. Just not know. She's only been out of college a year. I'm 24.

 

Actions speak louder than words though. If she wanted the same experience of closeness and a healthy sex life, she would seek that out. Even in a less than serious relationship, she would want that, because she values it.

 

But just because now she doesn't want these things, she might want them in the future.

 

Possibly. You can always keep the lines of communication open in case she decides she wants more. But don't have any expectations of it, and don't let it stop you from dating other people.

 

Just hard when I have found someone whose personality I like so much. Literally never met anyone like her.

 

I am sorry you are hurting.