Do people suddenly change?

[hopti]

My boyfriend of five years ended things two months ago and started a relationship with a co-worker (and a friend of mine) two weeks after the break up.

 

The last years with him has been increasingly difficult as he drank almost every day, was depressed, anxious and self-centered (he ran in to some heavy obstacles). I felt lonely in the relationship but continued supporting him financially, emotionally and in every other way I could think of because I loved him and thought that this was just a rough phase. I only did what I thought he would do for me. He would tell me he loved me but then he would neglect me and apologize for it. His actions did not match his words. In his break-up speech he said he felt like he was useless and that I deserve better. He felt like he couldn't stand up for him self and that he had no control of his own life. He said he had a need for knowing that he could survive on his own. He said he had never loved anybody like me he loved me and he didn't feel we were over. He started talking about us getting back together in the future when he was the man I deserved. A day later he came back and definitely didn't want to break up saying "it seems so stupid to give up the only thing that is normal in my life in order to make everything else work". Two days after that he became avoiding and grabbed first best chance to say that we agreed to be over (I never agreed and was just confused).

 

After the break up I felt sad but I also realized that he needed to figure out things on his own. I decided not to wait for him and went NC. Nothing could've prepared me for the news about him and his co-worker (he works at a bar).

 

Now I'm just.. what the h*ell happened? Why would someone feel the need to bullsh*t like that after five years? He also really wanted to stay my friend. Which just seems bizarre now. Were all his problems just made up?

I just DON´T get it. If he has someone else in mind- why not break up earlier? Why tell me he needs stand on his own to feet and then jump into something new two weeks later?

 

I really, really believed his reasons were real (I saw his depression get worse) and it all made sense. Now it doesn't and I don't trust myself.

 

I know one cannot decide when and where to fall in love, and I do wish him the best (at the baaack of my mind). I'm just feeling stupid that I had to be with him at his worst and she gets to be with him at his best. This hurts. alot.

[polynomial]

People dont change in 2 weeks and I'm sure his new girlfriend will be put trhough the same **** as you, if not now then later

[Kevin_D]

This sounds so much like my story. My girlfriend talked about how she had to focus on her own and couln't handle a relationship. A few days later, she said that she wanted to make it work. And then she changed her mind again.

 

I asked her if she wanted to date other guys. "Oh hell no, that's the last thing on my mind right now" she said. Yet, I pretty certain that she started dating a guy she's been talking for the last couple of months just days after the breakup.

 

I think that our partners started to fall in love with somebody else long before the breakup. But at the same time, they knew how well we have treated them, which causes them to be depressed. Read the GIGS thread and see if it fits.

[k100danny]

people don't suddenly change you just seem them from outside of the relationship. he may seem happier now but thats what you are getting from looking in and may not be the truth. also maybe your relationship wasnt right and he is actually happier as awful as that is to hear.

[JDPT]

That's a very good question. I used to ask myself months ago "wth just happened here!?" My ex broke up with me left, and poof gone with the wind, amazing disappearing act. I later realized that people don't "suddenly" change or snap, it's something that brews up for a long time and for those(like me) who hae poor communications skills simply blow up and make drastic decisions. This something my ex did, so in that sense we were identical, we both never learned in life how to communicate, however, we were masters at shutting down and not dealing. Don't attempt to rationalize the irrational and soul embrace reality with a grain of salt. You will find yourself running in place going nowhere fast attempting to make sense of any of it. Yes we thought they were the "one", yes we thought we reached our pinnacle with them, however, reality is that they left for a reason. Learn from this reasons and you will come out of this a new and improved you. Be strong, you will make it through this.

[hopti]

I also asked him "is there anyone else?" which he denied.

 

The last year+ he has been very unsure of where his life was going and his drinking got to the point of him not remembering whole evenings and actually becoming a bit physical (suddenly becoming angry and pushing me hard in front of other people and calling me really mean names). He got rejected from a school he really counted on and a friend of his committed suicide. He became a shadow of himself and maybe it got worse with me around. He did mention a lot of guilt towards me.

I helped him get a appointment with a psychologist and he started on anti-depressants three weeks prior to the break up.

 

The break-up was not too hard for me to accept. I felt really lonely with him. I loved him but it was okay to let go. After he broke up I told him I needed to heal but that I understood his reasons and that if he ever felt like he couldn't talk to anyone else about something I would be there. He was very happy and grateful to hear this.

 

He still has my stuff and I've his. Initially I told him there was no hurry, but since he is now in a new relationship I've politely asked for it back. His response was short and I haven't heard from him since (maybe three weeks ago).

 

I'm just really confused about this situation. I'm trying to let go, but I feel a bit angry and have a lot of questions. IF he and this girl had a thing going on before the break-up then he should've broken up a long time ago (instead of practically moving in with me up till 3 days before the break up).

 

I guess I'm looking for some reason not to blame myself and feel inadequate.

Kevin_D how did you deal with it? I need to know this will go away somehow. Right now it seems impossible to become indifferent. I've also isolated my self a bit because my friends say they see the two together at bars all the time. I live in a very small city, so the chance of bumping in to them is really high. The day before christmas I saw him at the liquor-store and it was like being hit by a bus. As pathetic as it sound I kinda hid. Don't think he saw me. Haha.

[hopti]

Having a tough day. Bumping for comfort...

[OhThatGirl]

Wow. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

I'll give you a hint: you're off the hook! Yeah! All that care and compassion and energy you put in to him needs to be turned around to you now. Really think deep down.. Do you want to be with him? In a relationship with someone who you're constantly taking care of? Someone with a drinking problem, who is depressed, who can't help himself? He did you a favor. That sounds awful but he did. Now you're free of that weight and it's confusing. When you put so much into a person who needs you it's completely normal to be hurt. He doesn't need you anymore? Ouch. But here's the thing. You need to think about what YOU need.

 

It's possible that he saw something in the coworker that made him want to give it a shot before you two were done. More likely is that the antidepressants started working, he finally had a bit more mental energy, realized that you reminded him of how hopeless he really was and wanted to start over fresh. She happened to be around and they made a thing of it.

 

Whatever the case is.. It doesn't matter. I'm quite serious when I saw he did you a favor and you're off the hook. Read back over that part where you said he was drinking, became aggressive and pushed you, and that you were supporting him in all aspects of life. What advice would you give to a friend? Even a stranger I would tell "run, don't walk.. Get far far away" These situations get worse, not better.

 

Meanwhile tell your friends you don't want to hear about him. At all. Make it as such that he is completely gone. Don't isolate yourself in fear of seeing him. Connect with your good friends that won't talk about him, do things (not around bar scene which it seems he frequents) and rejoice in the fact that you can take care of yourself instead of someone else for a change. If you've still got care and compassion left over, volunteer with a dog rescue as a foster. Homeless dogs need you, that dude doesn't. He needs to work on himself. A LOT.

[OhThatGirl]

One more thing.. If this coworker was a friend she probably saw how he behaved in your relationship. She probably saw that you were supporting him, he was drinking excessively, and that he was not a good person for someone to date. The fact that she then decided to give him a shot in her own life means she doesn't have very high standards.

 

I promise you he's not "at his best"... These things take a long long time and a lot of work to correct. The fact that she was new and willing to tolerate it doesn't mean she's getting the brand new shinier version of him. It means she gets the same old guy but you can't see all the ugly details. Pity her, don't envy her.

[hopti]

Thank you for your post. It helped me to see things from a different perspective. It's really easy for me to blame myself these days as I suddenly find my self glorifying him. "Was it all my fault?" "Was he drinking because I was so awful?" etc.

 

His co-worker (now gf) did take me aside a year ago and told me that he didn't treat me right and that "there are plenty of fish in the sea", I blew her off and told her I loved him. This was when she was in the honeymoon phase of her then on-going relationship. It's almost funny to look back at now.

 

I guess I miss the person he was. Not the person he became. It's just, unfortunately, easier to remember the good things than the bad things. And there was a lot of bad things.

[soccerrprp]

It's just, unfortunately, easier to remember the good things than the bad things. And there was a lot of bad things.

 

YOu and countless people are eventually destroyed by this denial and dismissal. It is so common for people to see the good and ignore the bad and justify resuming, continuing relationships. When there is bad, keep it in mind and don't exaggerate the good. Keep things objective, but so much easier said than done, huh?

 

You're better off. The next guy comes along, be very vigilant.

 

I'm in a relationship with a woman who doesn't know what a healthy relationship feels or looks like. Not from her childhood and not the men of her past. She's made some huge mistakes in her life and even after the consequences, she tried to justify and ignore the obvious. I'm the first healthy, consistent, truly loving person she's had in her life. It saddens me at times, but I try to understand her past and her today. Let me tell you, if I begin to eff-up, I truly hope she has the courage to dump me right away or challenge me w/o excuses. It's a strange thing....all of this is.

Edited January 12, 2014 by soccerrprp

[OhThatGirl]

Thank you for your post. It helped me to see things from a different perspective. It's really easy for me to blame myself these days as I suddenly find my self glorifying him. "Was it all my fault?" "Was he drinking because I was so awful?" etc.

 

His co-worker (now gf) did take me aside a year ago and told me that he didn't treat me right and that "there are plenty of fish in the sea", I blew her off and told her I loved him. This was when she was in the honeymoon phase of her then on-going relationship. It's almost funny to look back at now.

 

I guess I miss the person he was. Not the person he became. It's just, unfortunately, easier to remember the good things than the bad things. And there was a lot of bad things.

 

 

Yeah... Exactly as I suspected. She saw he was a bad boyfriend and that you deserved better. Apparently she doesn't think she deserves better though and that's pretty telling about her own self esteem.

 

Let them have each other. It's a sh*tstorm waiting to happen.

 

All these self-doubt questions ("Was I so awful I made him depressed and fueled his drinking?") are somewhat normal. Just recognize when you're doing it, focus on that thought, consciously tell yourself that couldn't be further from the truth and find something pleasant to think about. Self talk is pretty effective. Do make sure to regularly tell yourself he was not a good boyfriend, was struggling as an individual, didn't give you the things YOU deserve, and did you a favor.

 

Like I said.. It's painful when someone is no longer accepting the help you were once giving. It's normal to focus on the good. But remind yourself you're worth so much more than a guy who would ever get drunk, angry, and push you.

 

I think it's important for you to look at the relationship and figure out what you gained from taking care of him. Figure out how you will be able to use that energy towards something constructive otherwise my concern is that you may find yourself in a relationship with someone else who needs the same things he needed. Being the caregiver in a relationship is no fun.

[hopti]

Thank you so much for the advice.

 

The past three months I have definitely done some searching for things I've learned from this about myself and relationships. I don't come from a healthy home and my past relationship (before this one) was also unhealthy. So, like you said soccerrprp I do have a tendency to justify unjustifiable things and keep hoping for things to get better.

 

At some point in this relationship I actually stopped turning to my family and friends because I was afraid to be judged and my ex constantly told me that "my feelings are my problem, not his" when I would become upset by some of the things he did. I guess I stopped having boundaries and that is definitely something I want to regain before even thinking of starting something with somebody new.

 

I stayed in that relationship way too long. I used to be much more self-confident and secure. At some point I started putting him first and myself second and it took a toll on me. I don't know when it happend, but I know I let it happen.

 

I hope my recovery from the break up will speed up once I start looking at it objectively. It was and still is a slow process to completely stop the "he is right I am wrong"-mindset and the caring part which makes it almost impossible to feel angry.

[pickflicker]

Ok, so it's not a case of people suddenly changing. It sounds like he's not a big fan of being by himself. I think he's probably after a bit of something different, but it won't fix the problems he has at his core.

 

The important lesson for you to learn is, do not enable someone financially and emotionally who is drinking and depressed. The right thing has happened here - you can't help him with his problems, and if he wants to use this woman as a band-aid, that's fine, but it won't fix anything.

 

Just be prepared that if he does come sniffing around you again, to put your foot down. No financial support and no association with him until he kicks the drinking.

[ponchsox]

People don't change. Circumstances do.

[Trnamakesnse]

I personally have to work for months to change something little about myself. I'm trying to quit smoking it's pretty hard. I was worried I was becoming an alcoholic but now I can't drink because of my anxiety meds haha. Which is good I don't want to be a drunk. Anyway no he didn't change, he may be trying to but he hasn't changed yet. It takes a lot of work to change a problem like the kinds he has.

[hopti]

Thank you all for your opinions! I really appreciate it!