i'm heartbroken: girlfriend of 7 years and I no longer together

[ninjaturtle351]

This is long, please bare with my, and thank you for all your help in advance.

My ex-girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for a total of 7 years (met jan 9, 2007). I am 25, she is 24. We lived a long distance relationship and met online. We live in the US. We are separated by 800 miles, but we have tried to make it work, and surprisingly it has worked pretty well. We have made it a duty to visit each other as much as we could every year and fly to see each other and each other's parents, friends, etc. Perhaps 3-4 times a year. It was working just fine, our love was building stronger or was it? Needless to say first 5 years went quite well considering it was a long distance relationship.

The time came when I had to go on to graduate school. I applied to a school where i was originally from, and never applied to a school where she was from. She got extremely upset and sensitive at that fact and claimed i wasn't committed to her and that i don't really love her. My plan was for her to move where I went to grad school, simple as that (or so I thought, please read on). Perhaps selfish, but it's not like I didn't want to live with her, just not in her state. I got accepted and moved to the school in my hometown in august of 2011. We still continued our relationship, and she visited me and it was fine. However from that point on our fights were becoming more and more hurtful to her and myself. It was at this time when my fuse started to become shorter and shorter. Clearly the distance was starting to chew us apart, and we needed to move in together asap or the redundant fights and accusations would have continued. Fast forward. I made a promise that she will move in march of 2013. We celebrate Christmas in 2012 together, and greeted 2013. It is now january, and march is only a couple of months away. I'm starting to have cold feet. Not so much about my concern of loving her, that was never an issue. I love her to death. It was the fact that I didn't want to lose my freedom I suppose. Stupid, i know. I've never lived with a girlfriend before, so I assumed I would lose my freedom and wouldn't get to do anything "fun". Boy, was I an idiot to think that. So what did I do? I started prolonging the process. I told her let's postpone it a month. Here comes april, same thing, can we postpone it another month? Ended it up postponing so much, that it is now June and I had driven myself into a corner. This move meant A LOT to her and I just kept postponing it like it was a something trivial. How did I corner myself? Well, at that point it wasn't that I was still afraid of losing my freedom, but the fact that I became financially critical. I didn't have much money (no i didn't spend it on alcohol and hookers). Graduate school doesn't exactly pay a large sum, so i could never say i was financially

well supported, but much better before anyway. at that point she had told everyone (her parents, friends) there that she is moving, and here comes this idiot (me) cancelling the plans all together because I didn't want her to arrive at such a critical time where I couldn't support her. of course she didn't take that well at all. that was clearly the last straw for her, and at that point no matter what i said, and regardless of the truth behind my words, she didn't want to hear it. money problems, cold feet, it was all the same.

She finally broke off for good first week of july. we have had our shares of break ups before, but they would only last a week or 2 weeks tops with texting or calling included. this time it was a done deal. She really broke it off with me. I mean she changed her number and everything. Serious business. At

first I didn't think much of it. I scoffed at the idea and thought it wasn't serious. First week went fine alone. I went out with friends and tried to keep myself busy. I would call her mother sometimes to see how she was doing, and her mom would simply say you guys need time alone, just give her some time. I said okay. After the first week, i began doing soul searching and almost immediately fell in depression. The realization that i am not with her anymore just hit me like a train. i began sending her 5-6 emails a day with no response of course. I wasn't planning to keep calling her mother and we weren't friends on facebook, so there was no way for me to get a hold of her, except email. I couldn't eat, sleep. All i did was pretty much cry really. It helped in a way that it would make me fall asleep and forget about the whole thing for 4-5 hours. My research studies had dropped considerably, my adviser was on my case about my work, but i told him i'd pick up. i would stalk her facebook from a different account, but it was mostly private, so the only updates i'd see were profile pic updates. She seemed really happy without me. Fast forward.

I tried to get myself together. Started to go to the gym, picked up on work and tried to eat better. I literally thought that she simply needed time and calmed down a bit, because i thought perhaps a break is what we need.

2 weeks later (sometime end July/beginning of Aug) i called her work and she picks up and we talk for 3-4 mins, and i asked her if she is seeing someone and she said no. i said okay and told her to have a good one.

Fast forward, Aug 20, 2013. I log on to facebook and see her profile. Nothing too different. I click on the likes to see who liked her new profile pic, and one person caught my eye in the list. This one guy. This guy's profile picture was of him and her together. I checked his profile out. That picture wasn't anything too intimate, so i ignored it. It was just them standing shoulder to shoulder. 30 minutes later i noticed he updated his profile pic, this time this pic was intimate. their faces were touching and she seemed happy. my heart literally dropped from its cavity and my stomach felt like it had a million butterflies. i felt like i wanted to throw up, the emotions were so overwhelming. I wanted to cry, beat someone up, and scream all at the same time. The fact that i couldn't call her or get a hold of her made it that much more suffocating. I couldn't stop thinking how she told me she isn't seeing anyone and then this...

i finally got through to her by email and she said she'd call me, but that would be the last call she makes. we talked for 2 hours about us and them. Although I didn't have money, I said let me fly out to see you, she said no. She is not ready.I asked her about this guy and she said don't worry he is just a friend. She said we may work out in the future, but not now. I had a hunch that she is not being truthful about him and her, but still maintained my cool. Conversation ended nicely. I asked her if she would call me ( my birthday was 10 days from the day of call) and she said yes. I thought that meant she would call me on bday. i knew something was going on. i started to brainstorm on what i had to do. everyone here would probably say, u should have stayed NC since june, but at the time i didn't know about it. also, i'm just not that kind of guy, i'm old fashioned i guess. I have this philosophy (don't know where i got it), but if you love someone, you fight until the end, and only then do you accept what's happened. Fast forward

Comes Sept 4th, my birthday. i get no birthday wish. but i didn't feel anything at the time. i was numb. I wanted to cry, but couldn't. 7 years and no birthday wish? Most importantly, i was planning a trip. Next day comes around, its sept 5th, i hop in my car with a diamond promise ring which i purchased with my last money (the most single expensive item i have ever purchased in my life) and drove 800 miles to see her. i was preparing for the worst. i didn't tell her about the trip. no one knew. i just got in my car at 4 pm sept 5th and drove. it was the worst drive of my life, let me tell u. I had break downs along the way thinking what the F**K am i doing?! she is probably with that guy and very happy with him already! i'm probably going to be greeted with a SWAT team in her driveway when she sees me. it was awful. I finally made it to her town around 7 am sept 6th. got her a bouquet of red roses and got to her driveway at 9 am after i rested at a quick stop. i knocked on her door trembling and her mom opened and was very surprised to see me, and greeted me very well, surprisingly. i said

may I see _____, she said on minute. My ex comes out and is surprised to see me as well, and says hii. Surprisingly no screaming or anything. She even asked me to come inside the house. I was like wow...i went in, i had a speech prepared. I told her about how stupid i was to postpone the move and i'm very sorry and that i love her and want to marry her and have kids with her and that she is my life. She thought it was sweet and cried. I went out to lunch with her and her sister later that day. Things were going

SO MUCH better than I would have ever imagined! I thought this was a dream. I had to rent a hotel for a day, because i was driving back the next day. She stayed with me the night. We even had sex several times and cuddled. I thought that this was the best decision in my life. I felt like i accomplished something. I felt like i climbed Mt. Everest. I felt so happy for us. She still said she needed time though, which was the weird part?? I didn't think much of it because i was so happy, and COMPLETELY forgot the thought of that guy who i wanted to ask about. I said okay sure. We left on a good note. I drove back and resumed my studies and became healthy again. She came to visit me for halloween 2 months ago and everything was perfect she said she loved me and we texted back and forth like the old days.

but why am i writing this then? sounds like everything went well??

Fast forward. November 5th, after she left, we became friends on facebook. I noticed that this same guy was still her friend...it got to me. without ANY damn rational thought process i went off on her and said "wtf, why is he still your friend!" she said because! he is just that, a friend! i said cut the crap, remove him! (before you guys go off on me, i know it sounds controlling, but it just got me, i didn't mean to sound like an ******* like that, but i felt like it was a common sense thing to do) but before she did that, i went on his profile, because this time i had more access to it. I noticed that she had liked a lot of his pictures, statuses from the past (july, august) and had some flirty back and forth wall messages. And you know what's even better?! she also went to a concert with him a day after i had left her place! WHat the actual ****! i began feeling the same emotions when we first broke up. I was going insane and became irate!

Fast forward all the fights fights fights fights, to nov 12. I find out that he was not just a friend and they did more than just "friendly" things. i knew it! i had a hunch that something wasn't right. i didn't find out through her, but other means. I confronted her about this via phone call when she was at work, and she admitted to having sex with him once. I immediately earned myself a hole in the door. I hung up on her and went to rage on my own. she calls me back while i was still furious and i go off on her like an idiot, i just couldn't control my emotions. a few days go by and we webcam, and i am bit

more collected. i asked questions to which i needed answers to. that much I deserve, right? she said she had sex with him 4 times, she held hands with him, would call him baby, go to movies and everything that WE did together. How in the heck is this possible? It really felt like she wanted a relationship with this guy and i was getting replaced faster by the second!

Here i am. I am a wreck and depressed. I'm with my parents but haven't enjoyed my winter break at all. I love this girl. I really care for

her. But the images of her and him keep haunting me and i can't move on past this. I hate her and love her at the same time. She did this to me within 1-2 weeks of the break up. She should have told me this when i drove to see her, because THEN i was going to accept the worst. I was going there with an open mind about everything and was going to be completely understanding about things. But finding out about this now? when i am no longer AS accepting and open minded about this, after she has earned my trust and told me she loves me? what in the heck is going on... I never thought she was the kind of person to do that, she was really pure and innocent and never thought she would be capable of doing that to me without thinking of our 7 year relationship. But it did happen. How? Did i mean that much to her for her to invite another man like that?

i flew out to see her because we aren't privileged like others in a relationship to talk in person about this and still "needed" answers. When we talked in her room about this, she broke down and cried and says she regrets doing all of that, kissed me and hugged me and stayed by my side, and she said did it because she felt like we wouldn't get back together. O_O Really?! Within 1-2 weeks, you could already tell that this relationship cannot be salvaged?! i mean that reasoning just pisses me the hell of, it's so ...gahh!!! anyway. i stayed with her and her parents over thanksgiving. before i left i told her i forgive her.

i forgave but i can't forget. and every time i think of them i feel like i'm going back to the forgiveness part, as in, did i really forgive her?

i talked with her 1 week after i returned from seeing her over thanksgiving and we got into a huge argument and she basically told me that now SHE needs time alone and i need to deal with this like a big boy. Do what? i feel like the tables have been turned, and she doesn't really feel much of anything about me dumping her anymore. (I broke it off with her after i found out nov 12) I feel like she is happy that i found out because she is so dang happy all over facebook again. i feel like all the wonderful and sweet things and tears she has shed to me when i was there over thanksgiving was all an act. Now she is all like "i'll contact YOU when i see fit". She says that because i became clingy and that I continued to ask her questions about them, and she is angry about it.

I haven't talked with her for 8 days now and plan on not speaking with her, but i need help moving away from this. I can't move on from the images of what she has done and i feel like it was cheating because it was pretty much after we broke up! why is this such a common thing with girls (i know guys do this too) not to judge, but i've read a lot of threads where girls lose all their morals and just go out within days to weeks to sleep with someone.

Right now thoughts of her not saying happy birthday to me hurt me a lot! because now i know why she didn't say it! It hurts me to know she still went to a concert with him AFTER i drove there and back! after i got her that diamond ring that i'm still poor from. she said they even hugged there and he kissed her several times, but she would turn her head away, which is utter and complete bs. i don't believe that. i don't believe anything anymore. anything i watch on televisoin, hear on radio, see around me, reminds me of her. Someone kissing in the store, boom, reminds me of him and her, some sexual scene in a movie, boom reminds me of him and her, a love song, reminds me of him and her. when i go to bed all i envision is them in bed. EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF THEM. Please help, i'm really depressed...

[ninjaturtle351]

why isn't she "fighting" for me then? i fought for our love and did all i could to let her know that i acknowledged my mistake by driving there. she isn't doing anything to help me get through this. I would think if she really loved me she would understand that I'm probably going to ask her these questions until i finally settled, but no, she tells me to eff off now, when 3 weeks back she was bawling her eyes out. i'm sure she never saw this coming and she was going to keep it a secret away from me and live this relationship with me. so what now, just because i find out she doesn't "love" me anymore? now she wants HER space as if she is even in the position to be asking for one? where the hell am i? did i somehow manage to make her affair seem less important now? My cold feet of not having her move in immediately is now a bigger deal than her affair??

I'm currently doing NC (8 days) but I feel like I'm getting angrier. All this week I only thought about her and what I've went through and my depression. I feel like by end of 60 days I'll have so much built up rage and conversations that I wanted to have with her that if she does contact me, I'll go off on her without a timer. I'm not able to take this time and calm down at ALL. I still check her facebook and it eats me that she is so damm happy. It makes me even more mad that if I hadn't found about her affair, we'd still be in a relationship. Now that I found out, she shed presumably fake tears and put on a sad act it seems, because now it's as if she doesn't care that I broke up with her. I didn't even get a Merry Christmas wish from her today, but she wished everyone merry Christmas on Facebook. It reminds me of when she didn't eish me a happy birthday after 7 years back in september. I'm not even in her thoughts at all. That is so hurtful. Can someone help?

[Chi townD]

She was looking for more of a permanent commitment from you and you didn't give it to her. That was your fault.

 

Once she figured out that you weren't going to commit, she went looking. She found your replacement and then conveniently needed a break. And what's the first thing she did? She screwed your replacement. Oh! and don't believe that it was 1-2 weeks. I venture to say it was 1-2 DAYS!

 

And why did she do it? Because she had already mourned the loss of the relationship from you. She already let you go! You just didn't know it. Then, you got her to confess to sleeping with this guy once! That once turned into 4 times. I speculate that if you put a 1 in front of that 4, then you're probably closer to the actual count.

 

Here's the harsh rub dude. She doesn't care about you anymore! She could give a rats ass. She's got this other guy in her life so she could care less about what you're doing. As a matter of fact, she's a liar and a cheat. She lied about him "just being a friend!" (funny she left out the words, with benefits). When you came up to visit that one day, she cheated on HIM with YOU!

 

If he's JUST A FRIEND! Why don't you drop him a IM on his Facebook and let him know that she spent the night with you on the day you went up there? If he's just a friend, then his response should be, "Uh? Congrats I guess? Who is this?" But, if SHE starts blowing up your phone...well, so much for just being friends. Plus, don't you think the dude has a right to know what kind of girl he's dating?

 

Look, she doesn't care. It was YOU that had to start first contact. It was YOU who drove 1600 miles round trip. It was YOU who started up the web chats. Never her.

 

Time to move on, dude. GO NC. I mean a TRUE NC that includes social media. Time to heal and move on.

Edited December 26, 2013 by Chi townD

[ninjaturtle351]

OKay. Thanks for the response.

Just to clarify, she had stopped "seeing" him after my visit. The concert thing was already pre-planned before i had even showed up. She told me the entire truth, I believe her. She wouldn't lie to me when i flew to see her for answers. She also told me that she was never in a relationship with him. It was never official and she says she doesn't care what he thought was going on between them. she just felt 'okay' to do all the things that she did with me because she hated me or what not.

[Chi townD]

OKay. Thanks for the response.

Just to clarify, she had stopped "seeing" him after my visit. The concert thing was already pre-planned before i had even showed up. She told me the entire truth, I believe her. She wouldn't lie to me when i flew to see her for answers. She also told me that she was never in a relationship with him. It was never official and she says she doesn't care what he thought was going on between them. she just felt 'okay' to do all the things that she did with me because she hated me or what not.

 

 

And all of this info makes it better....how?

 

Personally, I wouldn't believe a word of it. You have no way of verifying anything and she will only admit to what you find out. Nothing more, nothing less. She's certainly isn't going to volunteer the truth and make herself look like the bad guy in all of this.

 

Nah, she'd rather have you guilt ridden over the idea that the reason the two of you are not together is entirely your fault.

[ninjaturtle351]

i was trying to clarify the situation as from your response I figured you thought that she is still with that guy now, or has been with him the entire time. no.

we got back together basically, but the finding out part came crashing nov 12 and despite her apologies, at the moment it doesn't seem like they were sincere?

[Chi townD]

i was trying to clarify the situation as from your response I figured you thought that she is still with that guy now, or has been with him the entire time. no.

we got back together basically, but the finding out part came crashing nov 12 and despite her apologies, at the moment it doesn't seem like they were sincere?

 

 

True, Because if you go back to my original post, which one of the two of you has actually put in the effort to try and fix things?

[ninjaturtle351]

Sigh... I...

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude. I know everything I wrote is EXACTLY what you DIDN'T want to hear. But, sometimes, you got to be hit in the head with a 2x4 piece of lumber to wake up a little.

 

Look, at least you're a man and ADMITTED that you screwed up! That takes a lot of balls around here. Normally, we're pounding on a guy or gal for weeks until they realize their mistakes.

 

Dude, you got a lot of things going for you and Grad School is no joke! It's hard work, believe me, I KNOW! Happiest day of my life was when I finally got my doctorate and it was over with. So, once, you accomplish your goals, you're going to feel so much better.

 

Focus on YOU and what you have to do. Time to be a little selfish! Because, do you know what's going to happen? School will be over and you'll be able to land that sweet job with awesome pay. You'll be able to afford all the things that you always wanted (within reason) and take trip to wherever you want to go. She could have been a long for the ride if she waited. So, you know what? HER LOSS!!!!

[fixing]

Hi. Sorry to hear of your pain man. But she sounds like a cheating user. I know it hurts to hear, but i would guess and fully believe that she was seeing this asssshole even when you were together.

 

The fact she doesnt wish you happy birthday or merry christmas suggests you literally are not in her thoughts, and thats pretty cold and callous after being together for 7 years.

 

Plus the fact she hid the fact she was going to go and party with A-hole the day after you gave the ring and did the 800 mile drive.

 

SHE IS NOT THE PERSON YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS. SHE IS A COLD HEARTED CHEATING BITCH, A TYPICAL COW WITH NO MORALS OR DECENCY.

 

You have to STOP spying her facebook man. FFS thats like torturing yourself deliberately. Are you a Masochist? You sound like it!

 

BLOCK AND DELETE EVERY TRACE OF HER, AND DONT LOOK BACK. YES, IT WILL BE HARD ON YOU, BUT YOU WILL GET PAST THIS AND BE HAPPIER.

 

Hopefully, you will find someone closer to home.

 

Look, she doesnt love you, she has played you and she is ****ing someone else. You dont deserve that. Stop blaming the demise of the ldr on yourself. It takes two to tango.

 

NO CONTACT. Force her from your mind.

[ninjaturtle351]

Chi townD and fixing, thank you guys sooo much for your responses.

Chi townD you gave me a good outlook on myself and career, thank you.

I'm relieved to know someone went through the trouble to read that entire passage. I understand your perspectives very well. Two of my good friends pretty much said the same thing. I'm starting to feel like guys are less forgiving or it depends? IS there something wrong with me? why am i still lingering if the majority says nay?

It's just that sometimes, i just keep that little glimpse of hope in the back of my mind as I try to keep myself busy, you know what I mean? sometimes that little vision is what can get me through another 20 or 40 mins of the day with a smile or completely thought free. That vision that maybe in 5 or 7 days you'll get that call and she will not just ask you a dull "hey what r u doing, how r u" but that message that you WANT to hear whether you're willing to move on with them or not. I'm a soft guy in the heart, so sometimes despite how angry and upset I feel sometimes I think if would just she just send me a text or call saying something, i don't know, relevant in regards to us and that she still wants something with me, i would honestly work my hardest to try to forget everything once and for all. but from her unorthodox actions i don't think that's going to happen and i'm simply puzzled as to how a human being can act like that. Didn't we share all this time together? You don't need to love someone or even care for someone to wish someone a merry christmas u know what i mean? i was waiting around my phone thinking she would send me that, but never happened. all u need is perhaps a little respect? clearly it doesn't phase her to say happy birthday to random people that she friended of facebook, but me? i'm saddened to know she became that way. I don't recognize her anymore. i pray that by the end of 52 days i will not be feeling like this but have healed.