1 Month into a 3 Month Break (warning LONG story)

[808alfa]

Just wanted some input from you guys. (this is a LONG one, sorry)

Been together 2 years, Im 22, She's 21.

About a month ago we went on a break.

She said the classic "I need to find myself". She's never been alone, never been single, never had to provide for herself, among other issues she wanted to work on. "I'll be a much better woman for you after all this," she said.

Swears she loves me, swears we'll be together, swears there is not an "other" guy in the picture.

 

We were living together with her family at the time.

We moved out on the same day. I found a room to rent, she moved to a farm where she can work/trade for a room. She signed up for a 3 month internship at this farm to learn Aquaponics (an interest of hers).

 

To be honest I was quite shocked by the whole thing. She's always been very clingy and dependent on me, so for her to ask for space was very surprising and I would say brave of her.

I was also quite hurt, though I did not show that to her. In a way i felt dumped. But to her I showed lots of support, told her I was proud of her for working on these issues she had.

 

We mutually agreed to give eachother freedom during this break, only limit is to not sleep with other people. (She said she couldn't take me back if i slept with another). I felt the same way.

 

For a month I gave her SPACE. Saw eachother maybe like twice, rarely called or txted.

I reconnected with old friends, made new friends, went out to concerts and clubs.

I started working out again, lost about 15 pounds I put on during our "comfortable phase. Started seeing my six-pack resurface lol.

I imagine she had much of the same fun, and I hate the idea of her going out partying like a single lady but i guess it is what it is. And I've been doing the same to be fair.

 

Anyways we finally met up the other day, and it was a tiny bit awkward, like we had to get used to eachother again. There's so much emotion and attachment between us still. As well as attraction. I asked her if she had a date for how much longer she wanted to be at this farm. She couldn't give me a date. Said she wanted to "feel it out". So basically she's telling me to indefinitely wait for her, until she's ready or she changes her mind about us. At least thats how I saw it.

 

Friends told me she's trying to let me down easy. Others told me she has my balls in a jar, cause she was the one to initiate the break she has all the control. Most people tell me its over, to forget about her.

 

But to be honest i still love her, and I miss her. And our kisses still feel amazing, even more so after so much time apart. But i decided all these people were right, time to move on.

 

SO we met up the next day for lunch (I was determined to end it for good).

We were eating when I just ****ing laided out, "I wanted to meet again today to tell you we're done. No break. I want to move on."

 

The next hour or so was INTENSELY emotional. Crying, sadness, anger, understanding, almost every emotion I can think off.

For a while she asked how we could work this out, and me still have strong feelings for her, I began backpedaling on my mission of breaking up. I began trying to find a solution.

 

But then she starts guilt-tripping me, "So you're giving me an ultimatum?! I can't have this time to myself cause you'll leave me if i do?! That's unfair."

So I told her she's right, its unfair, and not what I was trying to do here. What I WAS trying to do is tell you we're done.

 

Finally we both calmed down, and began to accept the end. Also very emotional, passionately holding each other and kissing for the last few times.

Very interesting honest conversation we had once we were over.

She told me we kinda lost that spark towards the end, and she was hoping to reignite it with this break. I told her she kinda freaked me out when she brought up marriage, etc.

 

She asked to remain good friends. I told her maybe in the future, for now I need to cut her off completely for my own good. She understood, but asked to please spend christmas with her family. I said no.

 

We made out for a little while longer, "it takes breaking up to reignite the spark huh?" she said jokingly.

 

She was tearing for a while when finally I snapped, "Why the hell is this so depressing & dramatic! Lets have fun and end US with a good memory!" She agreed.

 

We met up in town later that day.

 

Had some drinks, had dinner, and wandered around town for a while.

We ended up at the beach. Again making out.

She began demanding "Why exactly can't you wait just 2 more months? Isn't distance supposed to make us stronger? What does that say about the love we had?"

 

I explained again that I felt like her fallback/option B. I feel like I'm holding on to something that isn't there anymore. I want to work on myself too, but I can't do that while still holding on to us.

 

We talked a little more. Made out passionately there on the sand.

She started tearing again, "I love you SOO much." "Why are we doing this!?"

I told her i don't know why. I love her so much too. This is STUPID. We love each other and want to be together, but we make it so complicated.

"I know it's stupid! What the f*** am I doing!" she said.

 

SOOO... we got back together that night.

 

I asked her, "Is this what you really want?"

"Its not the alcohol talking? Or the strong emotions? Why do you want to get back together?"

 

She said, "You don't know what you have until its gone. When I felt like I was really losing you I realized I can't be without you."

 

We went back to my place that night and made love.

 

Anyways, she's still at the farm. Two months left on her internship, so there's still space between us, but we are officially "together". Whatever that means.

We just call each other more often just to talk, and say I love you.

Other than that not much has changed, we're still kind of doing our own thing.

Which I think is good, she's still getting that sense of independence, and still getting to work on her issues.

 

ANYWAYS.

 

What do you guys think of the whole situation? Any insights?

Do u think our relationship has hope?

My friend thinks I'm just prolonging the inevitable end.

 

Honestly I'm just a little hesitant to take this getting back together too seriously, just cause I don't want to be disappointed if it doesn't work out.

[thecomplex]

You seem very kind for understanding her "situation," but I do agree with your friends in a way. You're telling her that it's okay to just get up and leave you for an extended period of time, and perhaps she doesn't understand that you're also dependent on her emotional and physical connection. She complains of not being independent enough and not knowing herself, but she can't see that her actions have more impact than just on herself. Once you decided to break it off, she realized how her actions impacted you and needed the security of having you in her life.

 

If I was in this same situation, I would be very conflicted as you are. I know what I should do is break it off and move on until she actually came back, but what I would actually do is wait for her. Take it from me... I've spent probably a year of a two year long relationship waiting, long-distance, and although I did have new memories and special moments during the times we had together, I could have prevented hurt by breaking it off. Honestly if I was in your shoes I would wait and see where it goes, unless your feelings begin to waiver. But you should let her know that you both have a commitment to each other and she can't just leave like that. Perhaps that is too serious for your relationship and may annoy her--"You don't want me to fix my problems? You're not supporting me."

 

Okay, final thoughts. Tell her she needs to set a date for when she comes back. You've let her go on her mission, she should at least give you a date. I would definitely wait it out, but I don't know if that's the wisest decision. I hope others can provide some sage advice.

[sw2020]

You seem very level-headed for 22. It's not necessarily prolonging the inevitable by staying together, but if she needs to "find herself", are you convinced she's actually had enough time to do that? Tough one dude.

[Simplysimon]

I think your totally stupid that's what I think.

Whose the man here? She set new terms and conditions in the relationship and you went along with them.

You can't do breaks man their either with you or their not..

Give her ultimatums if she doesn't like it tell her your out of here...and go NC till she wises up

[reddragon588]

Ah yes, I took a 3 month break last year. 10 months later we took a forever break. A "break" is just the test run for the eventual break up..

[TaraMaiden]

Yup.

There is no such thing as a 'break'.

 

While you have this break, finding herself will also entail screwing a couple of other guys and enjoying the free life, while you sit patiently like some half-starved, faithful celibate puppy, until she makes her mind up.

And her mind is already made up.

 

If she couldn't 'find herself' with you - then guess what? 'Finding herself' without you is a better option to her.

In other words, you are not necessary.

"Not required on Journey."

 

Really?

 

I mean to say, honestly - REALLY?!?

 

Break this off. tell her she can go to the ends of the universe to 'find herself' if it's what she wants - but you don't intend to sit there like some little lost boy waiting for her to hit planet earth, again.

 

Break up, break off, break free.

[Chi townD]

Yep! I agree with Reddragon and Tara. Taking a break= breaking up. Don't kid yourself.

 

I need to find myself is the most STUPID thing I've ever heard! Really?!?!

 

You should have stood her infront of a mirror and said, "OH LOOK! There you are!" Absolutely stupid.

 

What it usually means is "I want to find myself in some other dudes bed."

 

And you can argue with me say that there isn't anyone else and that we promised each other that we wouldn't sleep with anyone else would probably be a promise that she wasn't going to keep. If there was someone else; and if he started showing interest in her, that promise is out the window and she would make this "taking a break" more permanent. She's moving on to the next thing because she's got it locked down now.

 

And if this other dude doesn't show any interest, well.....she's got you waiting on the sidelines for her with your fidelity intact and still pining away for her. Hi Mr. Back up Plan!!!

 

If you think what I wrote is a little far fetched, then you need to read a few more threads around here.

 

Sorry dude, but if she had absolutely NO DOUBT that you are the man for her, there wouldn't NEED to be a break.

 

Time to move on dude.

[808alfa]

OK! I get it. I've heard MOVE ON so many times its not even funny. lol

 

But as I mentioned, I did give her the ultimatum, actually I just outright said we're done. But later that day we mutually wanted to get back together.

 

So you said to give her the ultimatum, and if she doesn't like it, dump her ass and NC. But she actually chose ME when i did that.

 

So now what?! You guys think I should end it regardless?

I was thinking of giving her this ONE chance, as we all deserve. If she goes back to wanting a break, then i'd be like ok... don't come back. And go NC.

 

Also, she has 2 months left in that internship, so i don't expect her to just drop out and come back living with me cause we're back together now.

 

As for this "other guy" you mention, there actually is someone showing strong interest in her at the farm. She confided that in me.

So when you say "if there was someone showing interest she would have made the break permanent", im thinking then why hasn't she?

Its been a month of this other guy showing interest, but when I tried to leave her she still fought to be with me.

[TaraMaiden]

Yup.

Because she likes the frisson and excitement of someone else, someone new, someone out-of-familiar-territory being interested in her - but she doesn't want to cut loose completely, because she has no idea whether he would work or not.

 

Ideally, she would like the best of both worlds; hence her confusion and hesitation at ditching you completely.

If he doesn't work, what would she have to fall back on?

 

Cynical?

 

No.

We've seen it all before, hun.....

[Chi townD]

 

As for this "other guy" you mention, there actually is someone showing strong interest in her at the farm. She confided that in me.

So when you say "if there was someone showing interest she would have made the break permanent", im thinking then why hasn't she?

Its been a month of this other guy showing interest, but when I tried to leave her she still fought to be with me.

 

 

Damn, sometimes I hate being right.

 

Because, she's unsure if this guy actually wants to enter a relationship with her or if he's just looking for a piece of ass. Because she's not ready to throw away a sure thing (you) if all he's looking for is just a hook up. Because if he just hit's it and quit's it, then she's left with nothing. So, she's got to be convinced that this dude isn't going to cut and run.

 

This dude has to convince her that he worth throwing you to the curb. So, she's got two month to figure that out.

[EuTuBrute]

My ex gf asked for a "Break" ...dont be fooled BREAK = BREAKUP

 

Then she had the nerve to say after we broke up that she just wanted a break... yeah right... A break is a slow way to end the relationship. She didn't have the courage the end it so she made me do it.

[808alfa]

So i entertained the idea of getting back together for a few days now.

Things seemed ok, I mean the situation didn't change much.

She's still living at the farm, still has 2 more months to go.

Only thing different is that now we were "together", we talk on the phone and txted a little more.

 

Still I kept feeling like she still has this want for freedom, aka being single, aka be unfaithful. I mean like you guys said, that couldn't have just gone away just cause we said we're back together.

I felt like she obviously wants to keep me there as well, so she might have only gotten back with me so she wouldn't lose me, but I am not what she really wants at the moment. AKA I'm kinda still her fallback, even if we are "together"

 

She didn't explicitly say any of the above, this is just my intuition as to what she's feeling.

For example, on saturday night she said she would call to meet up but never did, her txts were kinda on the cold side, and she went out till late doing who knows what. THEN the next morning she calls me twice and sends a sweet loving txt wanting to meet up.

WTF - its like she was on single mode last night and then today she's in relationship mode.

 

So i decided to go NC starting today. I didn't answer her 2 calls, or that sweet text. I've officially decided I don't trust her anymore, and I deserve someone who's "all-in". If she's undesisive between me and that farmer idiot, then **** her, im out. Hope they're happy together.

 

My question is... do you guys think I'm being rash with dropping her without even saying goodbye? I'm also doing a lot of assuming as to how she's feeling, which I may be wrong?

 

The thing is if we met up and I told her this, i feel like she'd come up with brilliant explanations for all my concerns and somehow convince me to hold on "just 2 more months".

[Sparta]

Hey buddy are you love to go up there..? Anyways it's probably too late for what I was going to think of. Because if it was me I tend to be a masochist at sometimes in past relationships. I was going to suggest little surveillance. Somehow. But your best bet Buddy is to do exactly what you have already started NC and a stick bye it..!!! Seriously buddy if your intuition was pointing you in that direction my life experience it's always right. I got a question for you when she informs you about this other man. How did she act... And what exactly did she tell you (what brought up the conversation about the OM. and how did she explain the situation) could share that with us. ASAP by the way it's very typical for WW and WGF. When their affairs are new it's been known that they mentioned the other OM most the time saying how creepy he is or how she despises him...

[808alfa]

Na there's no way I could spy on her.

 

When she was first checking out the farm, she began hanging out over there quite often. And very early on she informed me of that guy who showed interest, didn't make it much of an issue.

I actually met the guy once and he seems like a total player-type who would probably flirt with anything with a vagina. His attitude is very teasy, making fun, flirty, etc.

I could tell that he probably would not respect the fact that me and her are in a relationship.

I expressed this to her and she told me not to worry about him, that he would set him straight if he ever tried anything.

One night that she was over at the farm, he apparently went in for a kiss aggressively and she pushed him off. She said they were just conversing and he went for it. At that point she explained to him that me and her were going on a break, but she is not emotionally available despite that.

 

All this was before she even began her internship/our break.

Over the month she's been there he has persistently pursued her still.

Apparently tried to kiss her again, and she pushed him off again.

Again, she told me not to worry, that he'll move on to the next girl in no time and they would be just friends.

She said she expressed to him how much she misses me, and how she feels we are meant to be together.

After this I STOPPED asking about him. I did not wanna seem jealous/clingy.

I just hoped she'd be honest if something did happen with that guy.

And I guess being on a "break", she could've technically kiss him back if thats what she really wanted. I mean during our break, I kissed another girl myself.

[Sparta]

Okay first of all the you need to know. I guess we are that naïve or gullible that everybody in this world. Lies okay ... Especially people that are involved in an affairs, infidelity, betraying others, become the psychopathic liars because what happens to the brain when they participate in these situations it's called the fog in reality it's a scientific fact they get what it is getting high yup like a drug addict. The event becomes ever more exciting The hiding it, forbiddeness ,sneaking around this of the affair. Oh everything you just wrote like I asked you to textbook dialogue from betrayed spouse (BS) in their minds it's their way of shedding the guilt that's ****ed up even if it's before they've actually engage. Yep but I'm trying to tell you she knew she was going to do it before she did it. You guys are players but me. The ****ed up thing is if if this is what I think it is look at all the effort she went to cheat on you or what we call an exit affair. As you described earlier your backup..!!! That's what drives me crazy Cold calculated evil bitches. When I was reading how you describe the not answering the phone being cold. Didn't get back to you until the next day like nothing happened. That's when I get that cold chill going up the back of my neck you wanted talks. And about situations like that do not forget... Because it's going to get worse. You're going to say to yourself I didn't know that she was capable of doing such mean things." Yep even good girls have affairs."

[Sparta]

Hey hey buddy sorry about the spelling or grammar whatever it's late but anyways I'll be up for a while if you need to talk more?

[Chi townD]

.

One night that she was over at the farm, he apparently went in for a kiss aggressively and she pushed him off. She said they were just conversing and he went for it. At that point she explained to him that me and her were going on a break, but she is not emotionally available despite that.

 

 

Translation- I can't make out with you right now because I have a boyfriend. HOWEVER, I'm going to take a break from that relationship. When that happens, we'll revisit this.

 

I don't think the dude is interested in her "emotional availability".

[Sparta]

Hey buddy was just checking in with you I hope you're doing okay. Do you have any updates to your situation.? Please post

[808alfa]

Hey!

I'm doing ok. It's been 3 days NO CONTACT.

Today Xmas eve was by far the hardest, she called a few times and texted twice:

Things like "I would love to see you today" & "I know you're avoiding me lol. Please answer... it's Xmas"

 

It's been hard to keep avoiding, but nothing good will come from giving in.

 

Thank you for your concern though and marry Christmas!