Where I Stand

[jhalliwell]

I am okay today. The emotional fog I was living in for almost two years is finally lifting (again) and this time, I pray to all gods that it never returns. And by joining this forum, I hope to find a support group that I can lean on during my weakest moments as I am moving forward.

 

History: We dated for almost four years. He had his doubts and said we had wanted a break up for awhile. He wanted to see other people to figure out what he really wants. I thought he'd come back after awhile. He's been dating around the last two years, going out on dates with different girls. We tried to be friends, we slept together, I would break down and ask for another chance and he would tell me that nice and hurtful things all at once. The cycle kept repeating itself for almost two years.

 

Yesterday felt like a final straw. His words still resound in my head. He said I act like an *******. He said talking to me depresses him. He said there are people who care about him more than I do. He told me I am full of **** about how I have been severely depressed. He said he has studied people and knows how people work. He said he wants me to be happy but he is not willing to sacrifice his own happiness to do that.

 

When he was struggling to appreciate life, I was nothing but supportive and compassionate to him. When I need someone who I thought know me best to lift me up, he screamed at me about complaining a lot in my life and he lectured me about life. I looked to him for comfort and support. I looked to him for approval. Truth is, he was only compassionated towards me when it was convenient for him. How is it a sacrifice to just sent a text to hope someone is okay?

 

As I laid awake in bed, I laughed so hard in my head at the idiocy of it all. How pathetic I was to constantly beg for his approval. How insensitive and arrogant he is towards me. How I can never be myself around him if his approval is what I need. I can see it now. It is not that I want to be with him again. I just wanted his compassion, his approval … and taking me as his partner is just the ultimate way I think to prove that he cares, that I am good enough. But do I really need all these from someone who judges me for every single thing I do?

 

And just like that, I feel okay today. I can think so much clearer. I feel lighter. I am not thinking about the past. I am not dwelling on the way I acted, as long as I do not allow myself to be that person again.

[devilish innocent]

Welcome to the site. Two years is a long time to still be getting over somebody. But it sounds like you had a lot of setbacks when he would give you false hope. It's too bad you didn't discover a site like this a couple of years ago. People would have warned you that's the sort of a thing that's likely to happen if you keep an ex in your life.

 

I'm really glad you're now moving on. It's obvious he's not what you need. Which means you will find something better. Continue to stay strong.

[derfsangel]

Kudos on finally seeing the light with this moron! He sounds like a controlling idiot and you deserve way better than that. Be strong... don't be his puppet anymore. Work on YOU!!