If they break up with you for no reason or they can't handle it why are they rude?

[SMF]

I am confused.....

 

When a person breaks up with someone for their own issues (nothing deceiful or bad going on) simply not ready to take the next step towards engagement or maybe they have their own emotional issues- why is that they are mean to the person that they are dumping?

 

I was a lady- during the out of the blue break up- it occured via phone (for 5 hours) while I was on a business trip. He spat out a million reasons why he was not wanting to be in this anymore.... The next day he called and was very stern and stated that he didn't want to be in this relationship anymore and didn't let me get a word in edge wise...and basically said i am sorry, i have to go and hung up the phone.

 

We didn't speak for a week and then I sent him an email inquiring when we could speak and he was so so rude. Asking me to cease contact and "respect his wishes". UM HELLO aren't you the one that broke my heart? OF course it would be easier for YOU if I stopped contacting YOU.

 

We spoke last Sunday and he was very very cold. Apathetic and Stoic... and very confident that he wanted the relationship to end. NOT like he would be wishy washy bc he made this decision.

 

If they break up with you for no reason or bc they can't handle it- why do they feel that being rude / cold hearted is the next step to take?

[Pained]

Because if he were nice, that could be seen as a sign of hope or a thread to hold on to. I actually think he's doing the right thing. What I can't figure out is why you're pining over a guy like this.

[SMF]

That is what EVERYONE wants to know.. Why in the world would you pine over someone that has cold heartedly dumped you in the trash and isn't looking back.

 

My dad saids that actually it is analogous to a movie. The beginning and middle were great the ending was TERRIBLE so guess what the whole movie stunk. Meaning that I keep referring to the person that he was in the middle of our relationship but look at the person that he is now.

 

To be honest Pained, I have NO IDEA why I want to think about this person. If a random person or a friend treated me this way, I would have nothing to do with them...

 

HOWEVER, my mind instantly goes to a place where I say to myself- how can it be that this person broke it off, I thought he really wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, i didn't see the signs, I don't understand what happened and in my mind I feel like I can't believe it...

[overseas2004]

Actually its quite natural to pine over him even though he dumped you and acted like a bastard. So lick your wounds but stay away from him. The more you stay away the faster you will heal.

[Tech76]

Good advise, I agree.

[wtfjh?]

Well, I have heard it referred to as "kicked dog syndrome"-

 

I hate that phrase, but don't feel bad, I have had it, too.

 

It is a matter of ego. The one who gets kicked to the curb, so to speak, is always the one who hurts and hangs on (even if both knew it needed to end).

 

Search within yourself for those answers. "why do I desire something (someone) that makes me feel so bad?"

 

I'm asking myself the same questions.

[Dork]

alright, we're hearing this from one side (SMF) and not the guy. No one dumps someone like that out of sudden anger, something must've happened...

[SMF]

The reason for the dump was because he didn't want to be in a serious relationship anymore and he needed time. This occurred out of no where.

 

He started over thinking about me, his life, his profession, marriage, engagement, living together, etc... and just became very overwhelmed, neeed space, panicked and broke it off. It was very quick and it came out of the blue.

 

I am very intuitive and I was with him 2 days prior to the breakup - he was with my family as well and was telling them how happy he was to have found me and to have settled down... then out of no where this came about. He did say that he gave his decision a great deal of thought so in his head, I suppose he was going through things.

 

Thats really all that happened. Not sure if its a time issue, if he doesn't have feelings for me. I am not sure- we were together for 1 year, loved each other families and friends and adored each other... HOWEVER he never said I love you. But was talking about engagement. It was very odd.

 

Do you agree?

[carolina]

Oh My Gosh!

 

You sound like you were dating the same guy I was--who dumped me a few months back..We broke up b/c he 'wasn't ready to get married' even thought the dude is 36!!

 

He told me I'm a wonderful, caring...blah blah blah person with a lot of good qualities....but when I would call him to find out if there's something we can "fix/work out," he's a complete jerk.......... He'll say "I can't keep going over this...we're broken up...we each have to move on..." It sounds like he acts the same way your guy did. He never understands (and still doesn't) why I have trouble moving on----I'm like : I was happy, I thought he was the one I was gonna be with till we were old & grey...You can't just replace the love of your life with the snap of a finger!

 

I'm like "you broke my heart..the least you could do is give me some answers and not be a jerk when we talk."

 

I don't know--I think they act like that b/c they maybe feel guilty for hurting us and maybe it's easier for THEM if they don't talk to you. I'm kinda starting to understand that, I mean IF he were nice at all in conversations it's easy to misinterpret their niceness for "missing you" and wanting to get back together...something he doesn't want.

 

I think they're jerks b/c they want to make it clear that they have no intention of getting back together. They maybe think if they're mean, we'll be like 'screw you" and it'll be easier to move on..........

 

My guy has been a jerk but it still doesn't make it any easier............SO, I hear ya!

[Ktzmom]

My guy is doing the same thing!!!

I agree with Carolina, they just want us to get angry, it takes the guilt and pressure off of them if we get angry and say screw it. I did just that- I am so angry I can't even look at him right now.

Why couldn't he just talk to me after the break-up, so I could have some closure, (NOT to try to talk him back into anything??)

Another question I have is, does he feel bad about all of this? When he is alone, does he wish he would have handled it differently? I cannot believe someone who cared so much can do an about-face and be such a total jerk.

You think he'll ever say he's sorry??? This is a man I was friends with for 8 years before we ever "saw" each other. I feel like I've lost a great friend too. In the last week he has gone from someone wonderful to someone I can't believe I ever knew and liked.

We broke up 6 wks ago, I left him alone, and a week ago, we ran into each other at a birthday party, alcohol was involved and I tried to talk to him--I know wrong time- wrong place, but I'm human. There really is no need for him to treat me like crap. Seems like the coward's way out....

[SwEeT P]

i think we all dated the same guy.........WTH????

[SMF]

I do think we all dated the same guy.

 

its the same type.

 

i did nothing to contribute to the breakup. he just out of no where snapped. no warning signs, nothing. The only red flag for me was that we were talking about heavily about the future and he never said i love you.

 

so out of no where he just decided he needed time which then led to i don't want to be in this relationship which then led to my feelings faded. who knows what to believe.

 

i find it hard to belive that if one breaks someone elses heart- how they can just pick up and move on. don't they have any remorse or sorrow?

 

isn't that human nature?

[drinana]

Hey SMF,

 

I can't help but agree with what other people have written regarding why our ex's are jerks.. I do think (and this is not making up excuses for them) that it is easier for some people to just walk away.. My ex did the same thing to me just walked away, didn't give me too many answers, etc.. I have been reading stuff that says that for some people walking away is the only way they know how to deal with a situation.. It's like cutting cold turkey.. They see it as a way to end things, without having to hurt you more than they already have.. Or as a way to avoid those conversations which may only lead to getting back together or more heart-break..

 

As far as feeling remorse, I guess that's something that we may never know.. They did what they did for their own reasons.. I sometimes wonder what those are, but in the end does it really matter?? It doesn't take away the pain and anger my ex caused me.. And we shouldn't sit around constantly wondering if they miss us, if they feel bad for what they did.. I can't say that I'm not guilty of that.. I just remind myself that it doesn't matter... He was a jerk for doing what he did to me, why should I care how the **** he feels..

 

And you say that you didn't see the warning signs.. Well don't do that to yourself.. Don't turn this around and make yourself feel like it is your fault... cause it's not.. There was obivously some things that your ex had running through his head for a while.. You aren't a mind reader.. He should have talked to you... And the fact that he didn't is NOT your fault.. that's his deal..

 

 

 

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished.....that will be the beginning." - Louis L'Amour

[unclejo23]

In somewhat of defensive for "the same guy"....

 

Not saying your "guys" weren't in the wrong... Just want to clarify that they are all the same type of PERSON, not guy. Women are capable of the same thing. Learned that first hand.

 

I fell in love with someone who made me believe she loved me and wanted to get married, kids, dog, white picket fence, etc... Even let me know that I should decide whether or not I wanted the same(she wasnt waiting around for 2-3 years for me to decide)... 9months later I decide marraige to her was what I wanted too...I asked...she was estatic... 3 months before the wedding she calls off EVERYTHING... only explaination I ever got... "It's not you its me...I have things I need to figure out for myself"...

 

Still a very recent event... I respect her courage but have to look out for myself! Right now I'm going through the "NO CONTACT" phase... hoping to see light at the end of the tunnel real soon.

 

I know there's always a CHANCE... but I'm not waiting around to find out... AND she will have to have a really convincing story/explaination, in order for me to allow her back into my life.

 

Long story short girls... Don't allow yourself to put so much love and effort into a relationship with someone who cannot return it(or figure out if the WANT to return it). You deserve better!

[SMF]

That is very true....

 

My father always said--- would you go to a party if you weren't invited.. this translates into would you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. I would never go to the party- so why is it that i am pining over this person that broke up with me via phone and then discouraged contact to suit himself.

 

i am a loyal, intelligent person who gave my all to this person. i deserve respect in return.

 

what really gets me is that we spent every weekend together from friday- monday. we spoke a couple times a day (we had a LDR but not far).

 

How can he not even miss me or have no remorse for breaking my heart?

[FolderWife]

There was this guy that I was talking to, until I found out he had a kid. I told him that I was only 19, and wasn't interested in being with someone with a kid. He persisted. I wasn't all that interested in this guy to begin with, but with a KID it was a definate not interested.

 

He persisted.

 

I continued to tell him that we can be friends, but I don't want to be anything more.

 

He persisted.

 

When he said for the last time, "I think you can get past it." I got rude. I said, "What part of I dont' want to go out with someone who has a kid do you not get!?!? How many times do I have to say it!?!?"

 

He quit bugging me then.

[honey2005]

My ex was JUST like that. Out of nowhere he told me (over the phone) that he didn't want to be with me or talk to me anymore. We were very very close, he was like my best friend, so I had no idea this was coming and had no idea how to handle it. So I begged and promised how I would change and blah blah blah, but none of it worked and I guess I kind of got on his nerves. Thats when I found LS and it reading other people's problems helped me so much. I talk to him a few days ago and he was even more rude than when he dumped me. He asked me what it felt like to always be reject . It was very cruel and I don't plan on talking to him again for awhile. He got a new gf right after he dumped me anyway.

I really think wtfjh is right. Even though I knew the relationship was dwindling down, it hurt that he could end it like that.

[thecalling]

Hi, I am a new member after reading these boards for about a month since my split. It’s been nice to read people who KNOW what I’m going through, even though none of us are as alone as we sometimes feel. I was touched by your story, in part because I sorta understand what your ex is going through – the whole emotional issues that meant you can’t be together. It must have been difficult for him also, to break this off, and you cannot believe that he did not feel some part of the joy and ecstasy that you quite obviously did during your relationship.

 

This is why he cannot speak with you – he knows this is right and it is BECAUSE of his feelings that he acts stoically and apathetic. It’s easy to say that he’s the one who broke your heart, but (believe it or not) he is still the same person you fell for, and has feelings like anybody. You were maybe right for each other, but not any more. It’s easy to use the movie analogy of the bad ending ruining the whole movie, but this is too bitter an attitude to take in the long run: some time, hopefully soon, you’ll be able to see the beauty of the times you shared. Easier said than done, I know…

 

“i find it hard to belive that if one breaks someone elses heart- how they can just pick up and move on. don't they have any remorse or sorrow?

 

isn't that human nature?”

 

Believe me, he does feel remorse and sorrow, but difficult as it is to accept, it’s over and he wants you to move on. It’s also human nature to want something we can’t have. I fully understand your need for closure (I haven’t got it yet, still waiting after 2 weeks of no contact), and I hope you get this in some form or another. Realise that closure is really your unconscious/your heart, whatever, still holding on to him. It’s VERY natural, and there’s not much anyone can say to you to make it any easier.

 

I’m sorry if this post goes against the opinions of most of the thread, and I don’t know if it’s what you need to hear at this point, but I’ve just tried to show the other side. It’s easy to think he doesn’t care, maybe it makes it easier to move on (it certainly makes it easier to hate), but life’s too short. One day we have to look back and think what we gained from life, and we can choose to look back with bitterness or appreciation of what was gained and lost.

[SwEeT P]

after 1 month im still wondering...................

[snilljente]

them being cowards.....taking the easy way out...not wanting to deal with our feelings, or their own for that matter......I do not think that people like this are completely emotionally well....I mean, like mentioned before, they snap their fingers and they're done...doesn't seem at all healthy to me.....sad and pathetic rather.

[stupidguy]

Hang in there!

 

You know I think my biggest problem with being dumped and not being able to talk to my ex about it, besides being very selfish on her part, was the need to no why????

Well,

I realize now that sometimes you shouldnt try to find out why from people like this.

Usually its cause they need you out of the way, fast.

And quite frankly, after a betrayal like this, who on earth wants em back???

Maybe we want that security back.

In my case, I was so hurt by the abruptness and unanswered questions that all I wanted to know is if it was my fault. This is what made me flounder. And believe me, they know your thinking that way. Its part of the plan.

Maybe not in all cases, but in mine im sure she left me to wonder so I wouldnt know the truth.

 

You will see, as time goes on, you will realize you are better off.

 

Good Luck!

[SMF]

thank you for everyone's replies.

 

today is the first day that i feel a little bit better. we will have broken up 1 month on Thursday. We haven't spoken in over a week.

 

thecalling- thx for your advice but here is my question... there really wasn't any reason for us to break up- he just decided one day (which i think was due to cold feet/panic) that he didn't want to be in a serious relationship anymore.. I just cannot comprehend why he would be so rude/apathetic back to me. It was a snap decision and it there weren't any warning signs... It was done very quick and he discouraged contact immediately.

 

So you are saying that he has feelings but he doesn't want to be with me? I am confused.

 

My whole thing is this- I know that I didn't do anything wrong. I am not to blame. We have always had an open, honest, communicative relationship but this was the first time I ever noticed him bottling something up and thats HUGE. I blame him for that and his failure to bring it to my attention bc if he wanted to work it out, if he wanted to not rush towards living together/engagement- then he would have said that. He never did.

 

Instead he just claimed he needed time, come and go as he pleases, asking me if I could wait 5 years to be married. He is 29 mind you.

 

I just hope he realizes what he is doing. Right now he feels like he made a good decision. I am very sad. I also feel like the more I don't call- the more he is going to forget about me. As trite as it sounds.

 

What happened with you?

[popvix]

Hey SMF... its roughly a month on thursday for me too - and i had more or less the same situation with my ex suddenly turning around and spelling out that everything i was and am right now is exactly the opposite of what she wanted.... which only 3 months previously was everything she wanted! (7 year relationship)

 

She handled the whole thing very immaturely, and to this day im still hanging in limbo regarding a number of pretty damn important financial issues which she stands to SUFFER badly from ... not me! .... since she's broken off all contact and hasnt replied to any formal emails.

 

To go back to the main point, from what i learned from my ex during the breakup was that she thought her approach of breaking up in a messy and pretty exhausting manner.... was actually EASIER for both of us than a slow gradual breakup. Either way my heart was broken but because of her actions, i have nothing but resent for the person she is now,.... her own fault i guess.

 

I was mulling it over and over in my mind till my mother brought me back down to earth a bit when she simply said that nothing ever happens the right way, and nobody ever acts perfect with things like this..... im sure your ex, whoever they are is merely acting on instinct and in their own mind they are doing things the right way .... pity they arent eh.. but thats life

[thecalling]

Yeh, I agree with you that this wasn't your fault at all. It WAS his fault for not being able to communicate his hangups/concerns to you in a healthy way. This absolutely sucks, I know, but some people – as happy as you are with them – can nevertheless harbour problems that can break up a great relationship. His asking you to wait 5 years was out of order – did he say this before or after the breakup? I took it as before, but either way this guy has issues. If he was just keeping you sweet or using it to put off thinking about marriage and commitment whilst you were going out, then it’s his fault for not addressing these problems within himself.

 

And maybe I’m being naïve but people can have strong feelings for someone but not want to be with that person. I don’t know your ex so I don’t know what sort of a guy he is… I don’t know his actual reasons or whether he was a good bloke, but I’m gathering he was. Even though you couldn’t see that he was acting any differently leading upto the breakup, he probably did think this through. And, yes, the ‘rudeness’ IS supposed to make it easier, easier for you both to break off, anyway. This is only his point of view, though.

 

It’s tough that you didn’t see it coming when he had time to plan what he was going to say and in a way get his head in a state of mind where he could start to get over you (as bad as this sounds). This is why his attitude seems so different to yours. And, if he never said that he loved you, then this only confirms that he did make the right decision. You shouldn’t be with someone who puts you through this s***, seriously. I’d like to think he did this for the right reasons, but either way, this guy isn’t the one for you.

 

Overseas2004 was right: it’s natural to still want this guy sometimes and to feel confused, angry, sad, whatever. Words don’t come close, I know, and I’m glad you’re feeling a little better today

 

As far as my relationship goes, I don’t wanna say everything but:

 

I met a great girl at uni. Basically when we were going out it was fantastic. I was the first person she’s ever LOVED and she was everything to me. We lived on the same floor and saw each other every day and went through a lot, good and bad together. However, when we both went back home for summer (far apart) she was too busy with work to get in touch with me even, and I realised just how jealous I can become. I was always asking her who she was with and what she was doing, etc. To cut a long story short she kissed a bloke she was working with and dumped me the next day through texts. She’s with this guy now. The week before, she was sure we’d be together forever. She promised me the world but I can’t dwell on that…

 

When we spoke on the phone since the breakup she told me she still loves me etc. but wants to be with this guy at this moment in time (!) She wasn’t strong enough to meet me to tell it to my face and actually discuss us and what went wrong, even though she begged to see me and gave me so many missed calls when I gave her the cold shoulder. I still haven’t got closure after a month. Although in our case, maybe this is for the best – the feelings are too strong to meet and even look at each other, if we are to stay apart. Sounds messed up, i know.

 

I realise I suffer from insecurity, and not knowing ‘who was in the wrong’ makes it worse sometimes, but I know for sure that I’ll work on my self-esteem etc. before I look for a new relationship – I owe it to myself and her. This is what your ex needs to do – sit down and be honest with his feelings, and sad as it is, he should have done this with you. My ex had major issues as well which I won’t go into, but we automatically try to hide any shortcomings behind happy faces. Such is life. Not least, I guess, is the fact that she’s with someone so soon after our breakup. Anyways, there’s so much about my relationship I haven’t said, mainly because I’m still confused…

 

Hope I’ve helped even a small amount

[SMF]

he said this as we were breaking up. we spoke heavily about living together, enagement, marriage, children, rings, our wedding, etc.... BUT he never told me he loved me. I honestly think he got immaturely "caught up". to talk about this future stuff and never to have said i love you... is just weird..

 

With that being said- had he communicated with me that things were going to fast or not in the direction that he wanted, we could have re-evaluated our situation together.

 

and to go from speaking a million times a day- to a no warning break up- to no contact. is plain old sick.

 

don't suffer from insecurity. you sound quite strong. you give good advice- you shouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. hold your head up high.