Dumper came back... 2nd time with dumpers remorse.

[aloneinaz]

I wanted to post this for the recently broken hearted. This site really helped me when my 1.3 year GF broke up w/me 6 months ago. Reading posts like this helped me during the period I felt rejected by someone who allegedly "loved me".

 

When my ex ended our relationship for really, no significant reason besides her issues, I was pretty shook up for a couple of weeks. Didn't sleep well, couldn't eat, all the usual symptoms. I then said F'it. She'd broken up with me a couple of times before this and I always chased her and got her back. This time I said "hell no". You will NOT contact her again.. PERIOD.. This site really help me understand that NC was for the dumpee to heal and move on and it did help me tremendously.

 

I started dating 3-4 weeks later and though difficult, I found my self esteem and ego liked the attention and the company of women vs. sitting home feeling rejected. I met a woman 2 months later and we're now happily a couple in our fourth month together.

 

If you read online about being dumped, their seems to be patterns and timeframes that have turned out to be so true. I've read this on several sites the first few weeks post break up. I NEVER contacted my ex once she said it was over. NEVER... Well, 5 months after she ended it she sent a text that apologized for her behavior, for being a poor GF, etc. I ignored it. Two weeks later, she sent a LONG email recapping our relationship, telling me she made a lot of mistakes, took me for granted, did appreciated what she had, etc. This pissed off my GF and she said I needed to send her a short reply letting her know I have moved on w/my life and have a girlfriend of 4 months now. I sent it a few days ago. It was short, to the point, neutral and I wished her good luck. She only replied Thanks

 

So, for those feeling heartbroken, rejected and miserable. You will survive. You will move on w/your life. I can't stress how much going NC and disappearing from her life helped me heal, reflect on what a lousy human being she was and find someone that I love now and is everything that lousy ex wasn't. My ego and self esteem do feel validated since I was a good BF to her and her children. She said I don't want you in my life anymore and she got her wish. She's alone going into the holidays while I have a sweet, loving, caring GF. So, sometimes we need to be greatfull that our ex's freed us up to meet better people.

[fixing]

Nice post sir. And thanks for sharing it! Im delighted for you that things are going great in your life!

[cavalier99]

WoooHoooo. Good for you man!! Cav

[Blastbeat]

This message helps. Thankyou and congrats on a positive outcome.

[ILoveVegas]

Quick question. Did she contacts you just 5 months after the break up?

 

Or you guys had conversation before that?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Hands down best thing I've read on here. EVERYONE take note of this. Save this and read it daily. Thanks for this.

[mikejensen3355]

That's awesome dude! You're really lucky you got to have that moment when your ex wrote to you like that and you got to tell her you've moved on and are happy. I really don't think that's going to happen for me, I don't think we'll ever speak again. Hopefully I'll get to a place where you are and won't need that moment.

 

Also, how did you get over the kids thing? I've honestly had more trouble with that than her. I loved her little kids and had so many awesome experiences them, and it's killer to know I'll never see them again.

[aloneinaz]

Quick question. Did she contacts you just 5 months after the break up?

 

Or you guys had conversation before that?

 

She said she was "done" when we broke up at her house 5-6 months ago. I said ok and walked out and never had any contact with her what so ever. The first contact was her text two weeks ago. I didn't respond to her. She then sent the long email which I replied to the next day.

[aloneinaz]

Also, how did you get over the kids thing? I've honestly had more trouble with that than her. I loved her little kids and had so many awesome experiences them, and it's killer to know I'll never see them again.

 

It was hard, very hard. I REALLY loved her kids and they loved me. I think that's what made it so hard. I came to the realization that I lost my "family". She noted in her email that her kids really loved me too. So her ending it not only affected me and her but also her kids too.

 

Time passing is the only thing that helps. I still think of her kids a lot but it's not so painful 5-6 months later. My parents divorced. My Mom had different boyfriends over a few years. Some I liked and when my Mom ended it with them, it wasn't to hard to get over. Kids have short memories and get over things like that easy.

[aloneinaz]

I really don't think that's going to happen for me, I don't think we'll ever speak again. Hopefully I'll get to a place where you are and won't need that moment.

 

 

 

Trust me, I didn't think I'd ever hear from my ex either. What's ironic is how many things I read online said that dumpers SOMETIMES reappear after 5-6 months. In these cases, these dumpers have probably NOT met anyone better or haven't had any luck finding their next significant other or have gotten dumped from a relationship or two and get sick of dating. They get sad, lonely, and miss being in a relationship They then start thinking about what was safe, who loved them and the comfort that brought and reach out to the dumpee.

The dumpers egos also get bruised since in many cases, the dumpee chased after them, begging, pleading, only then to give up and move on.. As I mentioned above, I had been dumped by her in the past and always chased after her and got her back. The final time she broke up with me, I said "oh hell no". I will not chase after her again and she didn't hear ANYTHING from me.

 

I think in most of these cases, dumpers ASSUME they can then simply reach out and we'll go running back w/open arms to them. Yea.. no, this is not always the case as my ex found out. They then get to enjoy a painful realization that they have LOST the one person they thought they always had on the back burner.

 

Last thought.. One thing that I came to a realization of is people can't say they are "in love" or "love" someone to only dump them and start dating to try to find someone else or someone better, etc.. I think the word "love" is thrown around way to easily these days. I know when I'm in love with a woman, the last thing I'd ever do is break up with them and risk losing them and having the thoughts of them sleeping with someone else is almost too much to bear. So, if you've been dumped like me, I think there's a strong case to make that they were clearly no longer in love with you and it's your sign to move on to hopefully someone better.

Edited November 25, 2013 by aloneinaz

[Qactus]

Trust me, I didn't think I'd ever hear from my ex either. What's ironic is how many things I read online said that dumpers SOMETIMES reappear after 5-6 months. In these cases, these dumpers have probably NOT met anyone better or haven't had any luck finding their next significant other or have gotten dumped from a relationship or two and get sick of dating. They get sad, lonely, and miss being in a relationship They then start thinking about what was safe, who loved them and the comfort that brought and reach out to the dumpee.

The dumpers egos also get bruised since in many cases, the dumpee chased after them, begging, pleading, only then to give up and move on.. As I mentioned above, I had been dumped by her in the past and always chased after her and got her back. The final time she broke up with me, I said "oh hell no". I will not chase after her again and she didn't hear ANYTHING from me.

 

I think in most of these cases, dumpers ASSUME they can then simply reach out and we'll go running back w/open arms to them. Yea.. no, this is not always the case as my ex found out. They then get to enjoy a painful realization that they have LOST the one person they thought they always had on the back burner.

 

Last thought.. One thing that I came to a realization of is people can't say they are "in love" or "love" someone to only dump them and start dating to try to find someone else or someone better, etc.. I think the word "love" is thrown around way to easily these days. I know when I'm in love with a woman, the last thing I'd ever do is break up with them and risk losing them and having the thoughts of them sleeping with someone else is almost too much to bear. So, if you've been dumped like me, I think there's a strong case to make that they were clearly no longer in love with you and it's your sign to move on to hopefully someone better.

 

thats what hurts the most.. I still cant believe how EX fell out of love for me. I still really have no idea. But yeah it happened and now i have to live with it.

 

I just hope that this time passes by and i can re-discover myself. I lost it all.. i lost everything. my life seems really dull and empty. I really dont know what tomorrow will bring to me.

[bobby326]

Wow this thread gives me hope. I'm 3 months post bu and about 2 months of NC, first month was rough, me begging/pleading, breaking NC. I'm sure that fueled her ego and made her even more harsh/mean to me, she was so cold and I loved her more than anything, I wanted to marry her. Your statement is so true about love, I know that I would have never left her out of the blue like she did to me unless she was sleeping wit someone else or something extreme, I would have talked through our issues. NC is the ONLY thing that has helped me, and not just not talking to her but avoiding ALL info about her, my only regret is I wish I did it immediately like you. If she ever reached out it would be nice but I know to not hope for that, chances are I will never hear from her ever again.

[aloneinaz]

thats what hurts the most.. I still cant believe how EX fell out of love for me. I still really have no idea. But yeah it happened and now i have to live with it.

 

I just hope that this time passes by and i can re-discover myself. I lost it all.. i lost everything. my life seems really dull and empty. I really dont know what tomorrow will bring to me.

 

It happens all the time. It's a sign that you two were not meant to be. I'm a big advocate now that when a relationship breaks up, it should stay that way. Reconciliations rarely work. I know several long term, 20+ year relationships

and those couples NEVER broke up, not once.

 

This ex I'm speaking of and I broke up too many times and the reconciliation times were shorter and shorter before the next break up. I knew in my heart that while I really loved her, she simply had too much baggage for us to ever be compatible. My family and friends thought I was nuts to get back w/her after some of the stunts she pulled.

 

At the end of the day, even though I was dumped, I had the final say in whether we got back together again or not when she contacted me after so many months. I'm LUCKY in that I've met a terrific woman I'm in love with while she's single going into the holidays. Funny how karma works.

[me85]

ALONEINAZ "Last thought.. One thing that I came to a realization of is people can't say they are "in love" or "love" someone to only dump them and start dating to try to find someone else or someone better, etc.. I think the word "love" is thrown around way to easily these days. I know when I'm in love with a woman, the last thing I'd ever do is break up with them and risk losing them and having the thoughts of them sleeping with someone else is almost too much to bear. So, if you've been dumped like me, I think there's a strong case to make that they were clearly no longer in love with you and it's your sign to move on to hopefully someone better.

 

Absolutely. So very very true. My ex has no idea what love is and I feel so ashamed for loving him as much as I did and believing he really loved me (knowing in my heart he couldn't possibly if he hurt me all the ways he did.) He only has love for himself and that's so awful.

 

I think my problem was I didn't love myself enough and invested too much of my love and energy into him...I gave him everything and you're supposed to keep some for yourself and I didn't. I just gave it all to him. & for him it was the opposite. He loved himself too much and was only "nice" to me by opening doors and courting me and buying me things...but that is NOT love. I knew this. Looking back maybe our RS was based on physical attraction and the IDEA of being in love with each other but I WAS in love with him. Problem was, he was only in love with himself. He never could give me what I needed, what we all need...TRUE love, (not his version) compassion, understanding and TRUST.

[aloneinaz]

Wow this thread gives me hope. I'm 3 months post bu and about 2 months of NC, first month was rough, me begging/pleading, breaking NC. I'm sure that fueled her ego and made her even more harsh/mean to me, she was so cold and I loved her more than anything, I wanted to marry her. Your statement is so true about love, I know that I would have never left her out of the blue like she did to me unless she was sleeping wit someone else or something extreme, I would have talked through our issues. NC is the ONLY thing that has helped me, and not just not talking to her but avoiding ALL info about her, my only regret is I wish I did it immediately like you. If she ever reached out it would be nice but I know to not hope for that, chances are I will never hear from her ever again.

 

Gives you hope, how? You'd be much better off to focus on you, and finding someone new who will appreciate you and be more compatible with. Again, if someone TRULY loves you, they'd work through the problems vs. ending a relationship that they valued. That should really reinforce she wasn't "the one". You also dodged a bullet in not marrying her, having kids and her then leaving you. I married my wife knowing we weren't compatible and guess what? Yup, we divorced and impacted two kids.

 

Honestly, I have mixed feelings about her breaking NC and reaching out to me twice to see if I'd be interested in reconciliation 5-6 months post break up. I fantasized about her reaching out to me when we first broke up and me telling her to F-off. As I mentioned before and what's stated all over this site is the dumper always seems to reappear when the dumpee has moved on and doesn't really care anymore.

 

I almost wish she'd left me alone. It didn't feel as sweet as I thought it would when she contacted me again. Reading her LLLLOONNNGGG email only reinforced her baggage and that she'll never change to where we/or anyone can be compatible with her. Im proud of myself for being the bigger person and replying to her that I was not harboring anger or resentment towards her, had moved on with my now 4 month old girlfriend and wished her the best. Does it bring me slight pleasure to know she might be going thru "dumpers remorse"? Yes, but it's also tinged with feeling a bit sorry for her as well.

[me85]

ALONEINAZ "At the end of the day, even though I was dumped, I had the final say in whether we got back together again or not when she contacted me after so many months. I'm LUCKY in that I've met a terrific woman I'm in love with while she's single going into the holidays. Funny how karma works.

 

 

This is awesome! The best revenge is happiness, so congratulations!

 

My ex IMMEDIATELY jumped into another RS like a week later so he'll be all cozy and content this holiday season with his ridiculous rebound but I'll be cozy and content too knowing that I don't have toxic waste in my life anymore and staying true to myself by moving on and healing in all the healthy ways. :p:confused:

[bobby326]

Gives you hope, how? You'd be much better off to focus on you, and finding someone new who will appreciate you and be more compatible with. Again, if someone TRULY loves you, they'd work through the problems vs. ending a relationship that they valued. That should really reinforce she wasn't "the one". You also dodged a bullet in not marrying her, having kids and her then leaving you. I married my wife knowing we weren't compatible and guess what? Yup, we divorced and impacted two kids.

 

Honestly, I have mixed feelings about her breaking NC and reaching out to me twice to see if I'd be interested in reconciliation 5-6 months post break up. I fantasized about her reaching out to me when we first broke up and me telling her to F-off. As I mentioned before and what's stated all over this site is the dumper always seems to reappear when the dumpee has moved on and doesn't really care anymore.

 

I almost wish she'd left me alone. It didn't feel as sweet as I thought it would when she contacted me again. Reading her LLLLOONNNGGG email only reinforced her baggage and that she'll never change to where we/or anyone can be compatible with her. Im proud of myself for being the bigger person and replying to her that I was not harboring anger or resentment towards her, had moved on with my now 4 month old girlfriend and wished her the best. Does it bring me slight pleasure to know she might be going thru "dumpers remorse"? Yes, but it's also tinged with feeling a bit sorry for her as well.

 

I didn't mean hope that she'll come back but hope that I'll move on and things will get better. I don't want her in my life anymore. If she's capable of what she did then she is not someone I want to spend my life with as I know that when she hits rough times she just gives up and walks away, and our rough times were not that rough, no different than most relationships.

[aloneinaz]

ALONEINAZ "At the end of the day, even though I was dumped, I had the final say in whether we got back together again or not when she contacted me after so many months. I'm LUCKY in that I've met a terrific woman I'm in love with while she's single going into the holidays. Funny how karma works.

 

 

This is awesome! The best revenge is happiness, so congratulations!

 

My ex IMMEDIATELY jumped into another RS like a week later so he'll be all cozy and content this holiday season with his ridiculous rebound but I'll be cozy and content too knowing that I don't have toxic waste in my life anymore and staying true to myself by moving on and healing in all the healthy ways. :p:confused:

 

It sounds like your head is in a good place. I really view my ex and I's relationship as toxic as well.. My mother YELLED at me the last time we got back together. She never yelled at me. It just wasn't healthy despite the effort I put into it. 90% of our issues were due to her baggage. 6 months post break up, on the occasions I think about her, two things come into my mind-

 

1) She truly was a selfish, nasty, angry bitch and has too much baggage.

2) Most importantly, WHY did I continue to try and make it work w/her. This is what haunts me. I'm at peace with it now as I'm a big believer in that we go thru things for a reason.

 

When she ended it the final time, I wasn't happy either. We were off/on far too much. When I left her home, I said NEVER again. That relationship is DEAD, in my past, etc. I started dating a month later. I had several dates w/diff women. I met one, dated her for a month but he suit case of baggage was huge and she was kicked to the curb quickly. I then met my current girlfriend who's brought hope to me that there are normal, healthy people out there vs. the nut jobs I'd dated/married.

[aloneinaz]

I didn't mean hope that she'll come back but hope that I'll move on and things will get better. I don't want her in my life anymore. If she's capable of what she did then she is not someone I want to spend my life with as I know that when she hits rough times she just gives up and walks away, and our rough times were not that rough, no different than most relationships.

 

Sounds like your ex did the same as mine. She had anger/temper issues that translated into grudge holding and vindictiveness. When we had a minor spat she'd simply "quit" and walk away due to her temper. I saw these signs early in the honeymoon phase. I actually dumped her 3 months in because of these red flags. Sadly, I'd go back and these toxic pattern continued thru break ups and the entire relationship.

 

If I could answer to the things that work to move on, it's-

 

+ Go NC. Delete pictures, texts, emails or move them to flash drives and hide them in the attic until you don't care anymore. You'll probably pitch them later anyway.

+ I through out everything that she gave me or reminded me of her. I "cleansed" my home, computer and phone. It felt great.

+ Block them on Facebook or any other media. I can't believe people who stay friend w/someone who kicked them out of their life. When you're over them, you can unblock cause you won't care.

+ Again, NC! Stay away from places you might run into them. Don't cyber stalk them. Seeing them w/someone new only keeps ripping the scab off your healing.

+ When you're over the most painful healing and are sleeping again through the night, have your appetite back, start considering putting your feet back in the dating pool again. Dating for me was healing. It helped me regain my self esteem and ego to have others WANT me. I was looking to rebound, I was looking for my next GREAT relationship.

+ I'm not an advocate of sitting at home with the lights off, listening to depressing music while having a pity party for myself. There no value in this after a month of healing. Get out w/your friends. Realize there are millions of healthy, normal people out there who WANT a loving, lasting relationship.

+ If you contributed to getting dumped by doing something horrible to them, or poor behavior or anything else that gets people dumped, learn from it so you don't repeat it in your next relationship.

 

Finally- TIME.. Nothing heals us more than time away from the RS and person. Don't stay bitter, angry, hateful towards the ex. While it's normal to be angry, hurt and fantasize about revenge, this is a waste of time and energy. I'm a big believer in Karma and what comes around, goes around. If you a terrible person to others, expect the same in return. Re-read my first post on this link. I was a GOOD BF to my ex an her kids. I didn't do anything to deserve her behavior or treatment by my ex. I was loyal as the day is long. I would have taken a bullet for her or her kids. My thanks was her BS and getting dumped. Well, guess what. 5-6 months later, she's realized her mistakes and wants me back. Too late.

[bobby326]

Sounds like your ex did the same as mine. She had anger/temper issues that translated into grudge holding and vindictiveness. When we had a minor spat she'd simply "quit" and walk away due to her temper. I saw these signs early in the honeymoon phase. I actually dumped her 3 months in because of these red flags. Sadly, I'd go back and these toxic pattern continued thru break ups and the entire relationship.

 

If I could answer to the things that work to move on, it's-

 

+ Go NC. Delete pictures, texts, emails or move them to flash drives and hide them in the attic until you don't care anymore. You'll probably pitch them later anyway.

+ I through out everything that she gave me or reminded me of her. I "cleansed" my home, computer and phone. It felt great.

+ Block them on Facebook or any other media. I can't believe people who stay friend w/someone who kicked them out of their life. When you're over them, you can unblock cause you won't care.

+ Again, NC! Stay away from places you might run into them. Don't cyber stalk them. Seeing them w/someone new only keeps ripping the scab off your healing.

+ When you're over the most painful healing and are sleeping again through the night, have your appetite back, start considering putting your feet back in the dating pool again. Dating for me was healing. It helped me regain my self esteem and ego to have others WANT me. I was looking to rebound, I was looking for my next GREAT relationship.

+ I'm not an advocate of sitting at home with the lights off, listening to depressing music while having a pity party for myself. There no value in this after a month of healing. Get out w/your friends. Realize there are millions of healthy, normal people out there who WANT a loving, lasting relationship.

+ If you contributed to getting dumped by doing something horrible to them, or poor behavior or anything else that gets people dumped, learn from it so you don't repeat it in your next relationship.

 

Finally- TIME.. Nothing heals us more than time away from the RS and person. Don't stay bitter, angry, hateful towards the ex. While it's normal to be angry, hurt and fantasize about revenge, this is a waste of time and energy. I'm a big believer in Karma and what comes around, goes around. If you a terrible person to others, expect the same in return. Re-read my first post on this link. I was a GOOD BF to my ex an her kids. I didn't do anything to deserve her behavior or treatment by my ex. I was loyal as the day is long. I would have taken a bullet for her or her kids. My thanks was her BS and getting dumped. Well, guess what. 5-6 months later, she's realized her mistakes and wants me back. Too late.

 

I appreciate it, I def was very good to my ex but had my moments where I brought work home with me or would get really annoyed with some of her bad habits, the biggest thing is I tried to do too much for her and fathered her a little too much. I was well intentioned and in hindsight I should have just let her make mistakes and learn from them but I guarantee you she will mess her life up with the way she does things, I guess I was preparing for a future marriage, I know now to back off.

 

I doubt ill ever get an apology or email like u as part of her leaving was moving back to her home town with her family who she missed, so even of she misses me or has regret the fact that she is back with her family will over power that.

[Sugarkane]

I envy you for being contacted and at least your ex showed some remorse, for the way she treated you. I've never gotten this and it feels like there's no karma at all. Plus theyre always with someone else 5 minutes later and sometimes this seems to stick.

[aloneinaz]

I envy you for being contacted and at least your ex showed some remorse, for the way she treated you. I've never gotten this and it feels like there's no karma at all. Plus theyre always with someone else 5 minutes later and sometimes this seems to stick.

 

Understand, she only shared "words" of remorse for her behavior which she'd done in the past when we reconciled. Words don't mean anything to me, only peoples actions do. She'd always say the right "words" to get me to get back w/her but her "actions" never changed.

 

I didn't expect nor need an apology from her and had healed and moved on w/out her. To hear from her really didn't change anything in my mind. I was confident that I was a good boyfriend and person and that relationship failed due to her issues and her behavior. When you reach a point of indifference, I think you don't really care if you hear from a dumper or not. It doesn't change anything in my life. She really did me a favor by ending that toxic relationship. I've met and am in love w/someone great now.

 

In your case sugarkane, you don't need to hear from your ex to heal or move on. My ex joined a dating site 6 days after we broke up. That was a pretty strong statement as to how she really felt about me and are relationship. Clearly, she wasn't in love w/me or even loved me. For her to tell me she missed me, tell me she took me for granted and all the other things months later only validated her continued issues and makes me believe she really isn't hitting on 8 cylinders. This is the same person who said she loved me multiple time earlier in the day to only break up with me that night over nothing. I also believe she contacted me only because she hasn't met anyone else better or even at the same level as me. Maybe she's been dumped since our RS or is burned out on the dating scene and figured she could simply contact me and i'd run back. Yea.. no.

[ILoveVegas]

Wow man, this is a good read for me..

 

Sometimes people don't appreciate what they have till its gone for good..

[aloneinaz]

So.. this gets even better!

 

Recap- ex broke up with me 6 months ago. I left and went NC to move on from bad relationship. She broke NC 5 1/2 months later via text, apologizing for her bad behavior, said she wasn't the GF I deserved and hoped I'd forgive her some day. I ignored her.

Two weeks later, she sent a LLLOONNGG email telling me she missed me, took me for granted, has made changes to herself, missed being in my arms, etc.. etc..

 

So, a couple of hours ago, I run into her ex husband that I was on friendly terms with and hadn't seen since the ex and I broke up. We have a 10 minute conversation and during it I hear that my ex recently broke up with a guy a couple of weeks ago. I don't know who broke up with who. Interesting. The timing seems just about right in that her short term relationship ended and she then reached out to me again.

 

This is such classic "dumper" behavior! She heard zero from me after she said she was done. 5 1/2 months later, she probably got curious about me, her rebound relationship ended and she didn't want to start dating during or be alone thru the holidays and figured she could get me right back again. So I ignored her apology text and the she sends a long sentimental, recap on our relationship ending w/how much she misses me, touching me, being in my arms.. Classic, simply classic!

[Jmk21]

Hahaha don't you just want to laugh in her face now. She's still BROKEN and wants to drag you down with her sinking ship.

 

I've gotten a crazy email from an ex before 3 years post breakup talking about how we were supposed to have kids and we should try to make it work again and how she always thought of me. She said all the right things, but her actions never met her words so I bowed out