Tried to make me jealous, then he dumped me!

[LostConfused123]

Hello all and thanks in advance for any advice here.

 

I had been dating a man since last spring and things were great. I know everyone says this but we "clicked" right away. We talked and texted daily for 3 months before ever even meeting face to face.

 

Fast forward to October. I was feeling closer to him than ever and was sure the feelings were mutual.

 

He had to have arm surgery and would be in a full arm cast for 6 weeks. This is when things turned weird. A few days after his surgery we were chatting and he was telling me that his sister's friends were at his house and they were all basically "fighting" over who was going to "GET TO" do his laundry and fold his Calvin Klein underwear. YES he said that! They were also all wanting to take care of him, feed him, bring him his meds in the middle of the night, etc. He even said he was a little worried that one or more of them might try to climb in bed with him....I WAS FLOORED and extremely hurt!!!! Especially since I had made it clear if he needed anything to please let me know. I even sent him a couple racy texts about how I could make him "feel better" you know, the things girlfriends do. WHY would he want me to feel jealous and insecure when I was so willing to do those things for him?

 

We are both in our early 40s so I don't understand why he would be playing these games.

 

Well, I felt like ripping into him and saying I guess you don't need me then do you? BUT I DIDN"T. I remained calm and told him how nice it was of those women to be taking such good care of him and how much better I feel knowing that. I REFUSED to play his game. I was actually laughing because I could see right through it. As far as the ones "trying" to climb in bed with him....I told him to get some pepper spray and call me if it gets out of hand.....I said this very lighthearted and even laughed a little and said "I bet your buddies would be jealous of you, what a great problem to have" ha ha! The thing is I knew none of this was true and if there is one thing I have learned in my 42 years is that jealousy is an ugly emotion and just because I THINK my mate is so wonderful, sexy, funny etc. Does NOT MEAN EVERYONE ELSE DOES. There has to be that "magical click" and that just doesn't happen that often.

 

I was so crushed that he would want me to feel insecure and jealous and if he really was at the playboy mansion recuperating, would he really want to tell me about it??? I mean, come on!!

I honestly have NEVER tried to make him feel jealous or insecure so I know that can't be his motive. We never even had an argument or fight. We got along so well!

 

anyway, if he wanted me to get jealous it actually had the opposite affect. I guess I was a little distant for the next couple of days. I didn't mean to be but I was just so stunned and trying to figure out why he would be so cruel.

He called and called until I answered, then dumped me! Said the distance was the issue (he just now noticed we lived 45 mins apart???)

By the way, the distance was no big deal to me. We both have dependable cars and even though we both have busy lives, we made time for each other.

 

I guess I want to know...Did I fail some kind of "test" ???? I'm SOOOOO confused.

When he was breaking up with me AS HARD AS IT WAS.....I didn't cry, beg, plead or try to change his mind. It was VERY important to me to remain as dignified as possible.

I agreed the distance was challenging, that he is right and that as much as I care for him that this is for the best and I am relieved, as I'm sure he is too. We said goodbye very nicely and that was that.

THEN I got home and cried my eyes out!!!!! :lmao:This has been almost 4 weeks ago and I have gone NC. He hasn't tried to contact me either.

 

I guess I just need some eyes to read this because you all can be objective...maybe I'm missing something that some of you can plainly see. Why the big production of other women taking care of him??? It couldn't be that he was trying to "get rid of me" because I thought that and he called even more the following few days.

 

I'm so confused!!!! What did I do that was so wrong?

 

Please no mean answers, as I said this may be obvious for some but I feel as if I have been blasted by a tornado and now going WTF just happened????

If there is a lesson here to be learned, I just want to learn it and move on. I certainly don't want to carry any negativity into my next relationship. I want to learn from this and move on.

Thanks everyone!!!

[LostConfused123]

Also wanted to add, I have always been very complimentary towards him. He is sexy, funny, smart, strong etc etc.....and I let him know it!! I am always praisng him.....Even in the bedroom, I'm sure it's quite obvious that I'm having a good time. Sorry TMI but just wanted to be clear it's not like I'm stingy with the compliments or how happy I am to be with him

[NoMoreJerks]

He's a jerk. Sorry, but it's true.

 

He's probably testing out some pick-up artistry sh*t. Like, treating a woman real bad will get her to chase after you, etc. So he's trying to treat you like sh*t by essentially disrespecting you by saying stuff like that, so that he looks so desirable and gets you to chase after him. It's a f*cked up mind game, to be honest. These people have issues. People who present themselves (including to their gfs) as having options, are pretty f*cked in the head. He's basically telling you you're just one option he has and that others will be willing to take him if you don't -- they're actually FIGHTING over him. The fact that you didn't chase, gave him the excuse (in his mind) to end things. IMO , his mind was already made up about breaking up with you, but he was just trying to convince himself that he wasn't the bad/evil party in this break-up. Do not chase after him. Let him go. You don't want someone (especially someone who is 40 and should be mature at this point) playing mind games. Seriously, just don't go there. You don't want to have that sort of life. I sure am glad I got rid of my ex, who was into similar mindf*ckery games. Don't wonder if it was a test. It may have been. But more than that, it was a demonstration of his f*cked up state of mind. Run, don't walk.

[Zahara]

Distance was the issue? 45 minutes? That's nothing. I have a friend that is dating this guy and she lives 1.5 hours from him and they take turns to see each other twice a week. If there is a will, there is a way. And if someone is interested in you enough, they will make that effort. It was an excuse.

 

He sounds like an insecure clown. I'm not sure how many times you met him, if you were intimate with him, etc.? But if someone has to behave that way to passively get a rise out of you for what ever reason, you're better off without it. It's manipulative game playing. And if he broke up with you because he was upset that your response to his game playing wasn't showing him enough emotional investment from you, then you are again, better off.

 

And the next time someone disrespects you or upsets you that way, call them out on it. Don't pretend to be unaffected when you are because the next day you chose to go silent and distant. That's game playing as well. Be upfront. It will teach them the next time that there is an appropriate and mature way to communicate.

[Touty]

I'm sorry, but honestly, you are grieving over THAT? Be glad he's gone. He thinks one of them will crawl into bed with him? No problem. He's not just trying to make you jealous. I think he's trying to turn you into a doormat. Please find someone else. Who does he think he is? Oh boo hoo, he had surgery.

[LostConfused123]

Thanks, you both made me laugh...I needed that!

At least I can be proud of myself for not falling apart when he ended it. Well, I did but he doesn't know that. As far as he knows, I totally agreed with parting ways, never cried one tear and have never looked back.

[Touty]

Yeah, I'd be crying too if my 40 year old boyfriend tried to play manipulative games with me, telling me his sister's female friends are fighting over doing his laundry and wiping his butt. And then insinuating he's worried they may crawl into bed with him (and he won't stop them because he just had surgery). Even in your 20s this is unacceptable because that's like listening to a teenager try to spite his girlfriend of 4 months.

 

If nothing else I'd be crying and falling apart over the fact that his man-child is emotionally stuck at 15!!

[Zahara]

Thanks, you both made me laugh...I needed that!

At least I can be proud of myself for not falling apart when he ended it. Well, I did but he doesn't know that. As far as he knows, I totally agreed with parting ways, never cried one tear and have never looked back.

 

I think you handled it exceptionally well. He's probably sitting there wondering why you didn't give him an ego stroke. If anything, you dodged a bullet. You really don't want to be with someone that can't take a 45 minute drive to see you and plays these ridicilous games to get you react the way he wants you too.

 

I bet he was sitting in his bed all alone with a bowl of canned soup and the remote control.

[Brown-Eyez]

Hello all and thanks in advance for any advice here.

 

I had been dating a man since last spring and things were great. I know everyone says this but we "clicked" right away. We talked and texted daily for 3 months before ever even meeting face to face.

 

Fast forward to October. I was feeling closer to him than ever and was sure the feelings were mutual.

 

He had to have arm surgery and would be in a full arm cast for 6 weeks. This is when things turned weird. A few days after his surgery we were chatting and he was telling me that his sister's friends were at his house and they were all basically "fighting" over who was going to "GET TO" do his laundry and fold his Calvin Klein underwear. YES he said that! They were also all wanting to take care of him, feed him, bring him his meds in the middle of the night, etc. He even said he was a little worried that one or more of them might try to climb in bed with him....I WAS FLOORED and extremely hurt!!!! Especially since I had made it clear if he needed anything to please let me know. I even sent him a couple racy texts about how I could make him "feel better" you know, the things girlfriends do. WHY would he want me to feel jealous and insecure when I was so willing to do those things for him?

 

We are both in our early 40s so I don't understand why he would be playing these games.

 

Well, I felt like ripping into him and saying I guess you don't need me then do you? BUT I DIDN"T. I remained calm and told him how nice it was of those women to be taking such good care of him and how much better I feel knowing that. I REFUSED to play his game. I was actually laughing because I could see right through it. As far as the ones "trying" to climb in bed with him....I told him to get some pepper spray and call me if it gets out of hand.....I said this very lighthearted and even laughed a little and said "I bet your buddies would be jealous of you, what a great problem to have" ha ha! The thing is I knew none of this was true and if there is one thing I have learned in my 42 years is that jealousy is an ugly emotion and just because I THINK my mate is so wonderful, sexy, funny etc. Does NOT MEAN EVERYONE ELSE DOES. There has to be that "magical click" and that just doesn't happen that often.

 

I was so crushed that he would want me to feel insecure and jealous and if he really was at the playboy mansion recuperating, would he really want to tell me about it??? I mean, come on!!

I honestly have NEVER tried to make him feel jealous or insecure so I know that can't be his motive. We never even had an argument or fight. We got along so well!

 

anyway, if he wanted me to get jealous it actually had the opposite affect. I guess I was a little distant for the next couple of days. I didn't mean to be but I was just so stunned and trying to figure out why he would be so cruel.

He called and called until I answered, then dumped me! Said the distance was the issue (he just now noticed we lived 45 mins apart???)

By the way, the distance was no big deal to me. We both have dependable cars and even though we both have busy lives, we made time for each other.

 

I guess I want to know...Did I fail some kind of "test" ???? I'm SOOOOO confused.

When he was breaking up with me AS HARD AS IT WAS.....I didn't cry, beg, plead or try to change his mind. It was VERY important to me to remain as dignified as possible.

I agreed the distance was challenging, that he is right and that as much as I care for him that this is for the best and I am relieved, as I'm sure he is too. We said goodbye very nicely and that was that.

THEN I got home and cried my eyes out!!!!! :lmao:This has been almost 4 weeks ago and I have gone NC. He hasn't tried to contact me either.

 

I guess I just need some eyes to read this because you all can be objective...maybe I'm missing something that some of you can plainly see. Why the big production of other women taking care of him??? It couldn't be that he was trying to "get rid of me" because I thought that and he called even more the following few days.

 

I'm so confused!!!! What did I do that was so wrong?

 

Please no mean answers, as I said this may be obvious for some but I feel as if I have been blasted by a tornado and now going WTF just happened????

If there is a lesson here to be learned, I just want to learn it and move on. I certainly don't want to carry any negativity into my next relationship. I want to learn from this and move on.

Thanks everyone!!!

 

even if he is an assclown

you really like him

so i can just imagine how bad you must be feeling about what he's done!

 

but first, you didn't do anything wrong!

you played it cool, and yeah maybe you should have called him out on it

(but then you'd be here saying you called him out & then he dumped you!)

but you probably would have said something at some point anyway..

 

who knows what happened with him?

maybe the surgery made him vulnerable and he was testing you

in some assclownish way that you had no clue what the rules were..

 

as much as it hurts

stay NO CONTACT

cuz he dumped you for no good reason

and that's just not ok

 

big fat hugs to you today!

[Crila16]

Do you know I'm pretty much going through the exact situation with a 40 yr old man, who basically acted as immature as yours did. I got blamed for something even more stupid than the distance, which is why he broke it off with me...at 2:30am, via txt on a monday morning when I had to go to work. Nice way to wake up.

 

Anyway. This guy is a control freak and you just didn't see it. I don't feel it's another woman, You didn't do anything wrong (usually a guy pushes blame on the girl or they come up with a stupid excuse when they don't have a legit reason.

 

There's more to this. Something triggered something in him that caused him to react. Same reason as mine. We were talking moving in together, finally admitted to loving each other, planning my bday with my best friend, coming home with me for Thanksgiving.

 

Are you sure this guy didn't get spooked or something? What is his past? Was he ever married? What was his family life like? These are important to know. It's not anything you did wrong, so get that out of your head now. This guy at 40 isn't going to just STOP liking you. It doesn't work that way. Something spooked him.

 

I'd stay away from him, like I'm doing. I'm not contacting mine...do not contact yours. Give him the space to realize what the real problem is. Let's hope your guy is more of a man than mine turned out to be.

[LostConfused123]

Thank you all so much!! Some of your replies literally made me laugh out loud!

They all made me feel so much better!!!

The only thing that I can think of that may have "spooked" him is my indifference. I am, by nature very sensitive so him seeing me unemotional may have? but I don't know. . .

thanks again everyone!

(virtually buying shots for everyone) cheers!!

[LostConfused123]

Hello, to all who replied, I just wanted to thank you! It made me feel so much better and every time I get that little "sting" in my heart, I come back and re read your responses. Some make me actually laugh out loud but they ALL make me feel better.

Brown Eyez, I "received" your hug and hugs to you too :-)

 

I have the day off today and instead of being down on myself for loving and insecure mind f####er, I am going to make a fire, watch movies, eat holiday junk food and put up my Christmas decorations and the tree. (I was going to get some champagne or wine but decided against it)

I absolutely love the holidays and will not let ANYONE take that from me!

 

It's been a month NC and I'm feeling really strong and believing I am so much better off! I mean REALLY believing that. Oh, how I hope this feeling lasts. I did get a breadcrumb a couple days ago.

Anyway, thanks again everyone and my thoughts are with you all!!!