yesitcould Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Hi guys, long time reader and now I'm really having trouble understanding what happened in my relationship and I'd really really appreciate some advice and wise words. I'll keep it short. I have/had been with my girlfriend for 18 months, we had our troubles like most couples do but nothing serious and there was never any doubt about how much we loved each other. 2 weeks ago she spent $200 on tickets for us to go on a weekend together to New York (in February), a week ago she was asking me so many long term questions like where we'd like to go together and things like that. Then boom, out of nowhere, she is 'doubting her feelings' and 'can't force herself to feel something she might not feel'. I was just so so freakin shocked. She repeated 'I need time to think and we might still be together after this' several times. She says she has no idea why it happened and she is confused herself. I hear this is common but it's just so confusing. Of course I know the best thing to do is give her space and time to think so I have gone NC, this is day 9 now. My question to you guys is, seeing as we are not officially broken up, what should I do if she does contact me? It goes against NC but seeing as we haven't had an official break up I don't know how to react. Thank you guys, Mark
AlmostFrench Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Gah! I hate that when you are stuck in limbo waiting for someone to make up their mind. My ex did that before our official break up, I told him to not contact me until he made up his mind because I needed some time with my thoughts too. Maybe you could say that? Because in my experience they usually contact you the first time for chit chat while you're sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for an answer. I don't have any suggestion for why she has changed, you were blindsided same as me and I sure as hell can't figure that out lol!
xUnknown Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Hi guys, long time reader and now I'm really having trouble understanding what happened in my relationship and I'd really really appreciate some advice and wise words. I'll keep it short. I have/had been with my girlfriend for 18 months, we had our troubles like most couples do but nothing serious and there was never any doubt about how much we loved each other. 2 weeks ago she spent $200 on tickets for us to go on a weekend together to New York (in February), a week ago she was asking me so many long term questions like where we'd like to go together and things like that. Then boom, out of nowhere, she is 'doubting her feelings' and 'can't force herself to feel something she might not feel'. I was just so so freakin shocked. She repeated 'I need time to think and we might still be together after this' several times. She says she has no idea why it happened and she is confused herself. I hear this is common but it's just so confusing. Of course I know the best thing to do is give her space and time to think so I have gone NC, this is day 9 now. My question to you guys is, seeing as we are not officially broken up, what should I do if she does contact me? It goes against NC but seeing as we haven't had an official break up I don't know how to react. Thank you guys, Mark I was there just as you are. For me it was 14 days of NC before the official BU. If she contacts you keep it short and sweet. Don't bring up the relationship - you don't want to say anything she could interpret as you pressuring her. She needs to figure out what she wants. In all honesty, I think breaks are bull****, an easy way to break up and I don't believe in them. I told my ex this when she wanted one. But, I gave her the benefit of the doubt... turns out I was right. Mine said that it wasn't a break up and gave me tons of false hope about next time she comes to visit we can do this and that and wanted to leave her stuff there...The inevitable happened anyways. I would say start your process of moving on. You don't want someone who isn't sure that they want to be with you or isn't sure they are in love with you (I love you but not not sure if I'm in love with you - were my ex's words). You don't want that. You don't deserve that. Keep your chin up. Time heals all wounds. 1month BU for me +2weeks Break. Its getting better... 2
Author yesitcould Posted November 7, 2013 Author Posted November 7, 2013 AlmostFrench - You're right, I guess it depends on the nature of her message. I'm hoping for something like pointless chit chat so I can get the ball in my court and make a statement. xUnknown - I do honestly believe she is confused and doesn't know what she wants, maybe thats just false hope. That's the worst part about this, not quite a break not quite a break up, no idea what it is but it's killing me. I'm sure it will get better eventually but I can't help but hope it ends happily WITH her. Thank you guys.
penultimatethrow Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I've been there too my friend, and share the opinion that "breaks are bull****". My advice is to keep up NC, move on yourself (remind yourself that you are awesome, that she does NOT control your happiness, that happiness in fact CANNOT be found in other people but only within) and focus on everything else in your life. If there's not much going on then get out there and make something go on - see some friends, book a trip, write a story, do what makes YOU happy. If at the end of all this you two work things out then great - you're together and you're in a stronger place. If not, you're still in a stronger place. But don't let the relationship be your motivation... YOU have to be your own motivation. Because you deserve to be happy with or without her. Sounds like you're doing well, hope you stay strong, feel free to message me if you need to vent or whatever 1
Author yesitcould Posted November 7, 2013 Author Posted November 7, 2013 I've been there too my friend, and share the opinion that "breaks are bull****". My advice is to keep up NC, move on yourself (remind yourself that you are awesome, that she does NOT control your happiness, that happiness in fact CANNOT be found in other people but only within) and focus on everything else in your life. If there's not much going on then get out there and make something go on - see some friends, book a trip, write a story, do what makes YOU happy. If at the end of all this you two work things out then great - you're together and you're in a stronger place. If not, you're still in a stronger place. But don't let the relationship be your motivation... YOU have to be your own motivation. Because you deserve to be happy with or without her. Sounds like you're doing well, hope you stay strong, feel free to message me if you need to vent or whatever I wish she had said plainly that we are broken up, she was just so vague, had no support for her reason, no concrete decision and none of it makes any sense. Even if more information was hearing things I'd done badly or something I just wish I could hear it. I may well take you up on that venting offer once the site allows me to use private messaging. I really appreciate the encouraging words.
penultimatethrow Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I wish she had said plainly that we are broken up, she was just so vague, had no support for her reason, no concrete decision and none of it makes any sense. Even if more information was hearing things I'd done badly or something I just wish I could hear it. I may well take you up on that venting offer once the site allows me to use private messaging. I really appreciate the encouraging words. Yeah that really sucks. It may help to remember that even the best explanation in the world from her still would leave you with questions, so it's best to accept you'll never know everything to your satisfaction and just do the best you can for yourself. But I know firsthand that desire to have every "why" answered, every little question and worry and concern that occurs to you seems so important. Again though recognise that your need for 'closure' is only as big as you make it to be - you're in control. This is a great article on the topic: Closure I have no idea how PMs work on this site either, but I was totally serious about being there for venting so go for it when you manage to figure it out
crederer Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Been there myself. I went NC for 2 weeks. Then she contacted me saying she had some of my stuff to get back to me, which was the moment that I realized without any hope that the "break" was in fact permanent. I kinda knew all along that was the case but was hoping she'd come back down to earth as our relationship was seemingly quite strong. All I can really offer is to move on as if it is permanent. I wouldn't contact her, if she changes her mind she surely let you know. And if that does happen, I'd suggest making another thread on how to respond in that circumstance. 1
Author yesitcould Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 I've been sitting here thinking and I think I might have finally realized what happened. She 'doesn't love me like she did' because she lost hope for our relationship, not because we fought too much, not because she didn't love the idea of me and her but because I NEVER fully stated my intention to definitely be with her in the future. I felt that way but if she asked along those lines I now see I was extremely noncommittal and vague with my answers. Should I still wait for her to get back to me first? Should I tell her how I really feel when she does or keep the minimal response approach going?
Author yesitcould Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 What I'm asking is, which of these options do you think is best? 1. waiting for her to contact me and keeping my reply minimal 2. waiting for her to contact me and telling her how i really feel about the future. 3. sending her a short message, a few sentences, telling her i know she needs space but this is how i feel about the future and i feel its something she needs to know.
Inviv_girl Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I'm facing the same situation as you are right now, he wants the "break" but he says he still very much love me and he wants to sort out his mind. Im in a limbo oh yeah how fun! lets enjoy the ride
xUnknown Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 YesitCould & Iniv_Girl -- I was just there. I believe breaks are BS. You don't need time away from the person you love to figure out what they want. If they love you, they'll be with you and work towards anything. That's what a relationship is. I was there a mere 6 weeks ago, I was told the "I need time to figure out what I want" etc etc. You prepare yourself for a break-up. You have to treat it as a breakup. Because ultimately, that's what it is. Start to box up things that remind you of him/her. They don't have to know that you've done that - its for YOU to start healing. Its for YOU to eliminate the things that bring up memories that would want you to contact them in this time of NC. Prepare for the worst, expect the best, meet somewhere in the middle. Best of luck to you both, I hope it doesn't lead into a break-up, but from my experience, this ends up how the cards will fall. YesitCould - take the option of #1. Wait for the next time you meet in person when she has decided what se wants to tell her. You telling her how you feel wont convince her anything...she knows how you feel.
Author yesitcould Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 YesitCould - take the option of #1. Wait for the next time you meet in person when she has decided what se wants to tell her. You telling her how you feel wont convince her anything...she knows how you feel. She lives 3 hours away, we won't meet up unless we plan it, she can't just pop over or anything. I honestly believe she DOESN'T know how I feel, for a few reasons I genuinely hid from her how I actually feel. It's like she's making decisions based on things that aren't the case. Could a 2 sentence, calm, simple and clear message from me really hurt? No begging, no I love you, no I miss you, just simply stating how I feel about the future.
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