6 week mark --progress slowed - leave forums? What are your thoughts?

November 5, 2013

I feel the first few weeks after the break, I was making progress, still missing her but learning more about myself and why she was bad for me via Therapy. I was making progress, however, I feel like I'm stuck on that incline. The roller coaster to get me healed and all the way to the top got stuck half way and I can't get it going again. I wouldn't say I'm moving backwards, just stagnant. Maybe because I'm at the 6 week mark (I saw the 2 week break prior to BU as a BU) and I just have to move past the 2mo mark. I don't know.

These forums have helped a lot, but I can't help but feel they may be holding me back from recovery. I come here to read and post, I think about her. Yeah, its mostly motivational and info to help others, which reinforces it in my own mind, but the thought of her comes back up.

I've been NC since the break-up coming up on 4 weeks ago with the exception of one occasion. She texted me on our would be 2 yr, saying she missed me and I'm not far from her thoughts. I never responded She called me Tues., the following day about a car problem from something I installed for her, I responded a day and half later - tying up the "loose end" - 2 texts, that was it. NC again since then. I regret replying because I do see that it was just a breadcrumb.

Also, I feel like if I block my ex on FB, I would be doing it for the wrong reasons, hoping that she would realize what she did....this is why I havn't done it yet. Also -I would have someone log in and do it for me so I dont see anything that will set me back.

I've learned a lot at therapy, we both were dependent on each other and both afraid of being alone. You can do a search for my BU Thread

Edited November 5, 2013 by xUnknown

November 5, 2013

This going to be very hard as many of us know here. But when i found this forum i was a real mess. On the floor, black everywhere, nearly lost everything else in my life i worked so hard for. To lose it all because a woman i loved took away that love. When i came here i had no idea what NC was BPD, or a million other things with acronyns! I had no idea there was so much out there online to survive break ups to try and get her back using diabolical techniques (Misery sells) But just reading others experiences helps me. When i am weak i will post it here and say it straight. Some replies will be hard and others not but they are all appreciated because the replies mean that people want to help and see you succeed. When i heal fully, i shall stay on this forum and try to contribute. You are not stangnent, every day can be different on how you feel. But block her on FB and yes good idea to get a friend to do this. Remove all temptation. Do it ASAP. But post here and tell us you have done this. Take care my friend. (Struggling with you)

November 5, 2013

Thanks for the reply Haydn. The one thing my therapist and I have discussed is that I go to so many people for advice, and perhaps maybe I go to them to more or less make the decision for me, because I'm insecure about which decision I want to take. In the sense of this FB blocking, as I mentioned, I feel like I would be doing it to "get her back"...not for the healing, but maybe that too - I'm not sure. I haven't checked her page, and I feel if I haven't done that since the initial BU, I'm able to resist continuing forward until I'm healed. I never go on instagram, use it, or even check it - but went to block her yesterday but couldn't pull myself to do it...again, for the same reason as above.

Edited November 5, 2013 by xUnknown

November 5, 2013

Thanks for the reply Haydn. The one thing my therapist and I have discussed is that I go to so many people for advice, and perhaps maybe I go to them to more or less make the decision for me, because I'm insecure about which decision I want to take. In the sense of this FB blocking, as I mentioned, I feel like I would be doing it to "get her back"...not for the healing, but maybe that too - I'm not sure. I haven't checked her page, and I feel if I haven't done that since the initial BU, I'm able to resist continuing forward until I'm healed. I never go on instagram, use it, or even check it - but went to block her yesterday but couldn't pull myself to do it...again, for the same reason as above.

The key is you have to get to the point where you want to block her on Facebook for good. In the first month, I kept unblocking and blocking to the point it was ridiculous. Fortunately for me, we recently spoke, and I realized how much I disliked this person and we both had some choice words and that was the end.

November 5, 2013

The key is you have to get to the point where you want to block her on Facebook for good. In the first month, I kept unblocking and blocking to the point it was ridiculous. Fortunately for me, we recently spoke, and I realized how much I disliked this person and we both had some choice words and that was the end.

What is the difference between blocking and unfriending? Are you still friends if you block, you just can't see eachothers info? And I know, I thought I was there a few weeks ago but I think knowing that my willpower is not allowing me to look at it helped me..."I know I can, but I choose not to, go me" kind of mentality.

November 5, 2013

What is the difference between blocking and unfriending? Are you still friends if you block, you just can't see eachothers info? And I know, I thought I was there a few weeks ago but I think knowing that my willpower is not allowing me to look at it helped me..."I know I can, but I choose not to, go me" kind of mentality.

If you unfriend someone, you won't get her status updates and you get a limited view on her profile page. But, if she response to a mutual friends post, you'll be able to see what she says. Or if a mutual friend tags her in a photo she posted, she'll pop up on the news feeds and you'll love seeing her sitting in someones lap and hugging them for the photo.

If you block them, you pretty much delete them. If someone tags her in a photo, the blocking filters will flag that person as blocked by you and it won't end up on your news feeds. Same thing goes for if she response to a mutual friends status update.

Dude, you're 4 weeks into NC. That's still very fresh. SO, I speculate she's still going to pop into your head regardless if you come here or not.

November 5, 2013

When i am weak i will post it here and say it straight. Some replies will be hard and others not but they are all appreciated because the replies mean that people want to help and see you succeed. When i heal fully, i shall stay on this forum and try to contribute.

My sentiments exactly, Haydn. I'm going to continue to pay it forward just as Barky continues to do as well as the many many others who make up this wonderful community. Oracle, Simon Phoenix, Fufu, Cavalier99, reddragon558, Joel Barish, Almost French and so many others have provided such great advice that helped me through th rough days. The only caveat is that you have to do the work yourself to get healthy both physically and emotionally. Good advice is useless if you don't act on it.

Almost everyone will have an opinion on what you do but, ultimately, you have to decide what's best for you. Just try to make the most informed decision you can at the time. If you do that, you'll never have regret.

Even with all tbe pain and drudgery, the world is a beautiful place. Strive to be happy.

November 5, 2013

My sentiments exactly, Haydn. I'm going to continue to pay it forward just as Barky continues to do as well as the many many others who make up this wonderful community. Oracle, Simon Phoenix, Fufu, Cavalier99, reddragon558, Joel Barish, Almost French and so many others have provided such great advice that helped me through th rough days. The only caveat is that you have to do the work yourself to get healthy both physically and emotionally. Good advice is useless if you don't act on it.

Almost everyone will have an opinion on what you do but, ultimately, you have to decide what's best for you. Just try to make the most informed decision you can at the time. If you do that, you'll never have regret.

Even with all tbe pain and drudgery, the world is a beautiful place. Strive to be happy.

I don't mean leave the forum not to help people...I mean leaving it until I am healed. As I mentioned, seeing some posts brings me back. My thoughts were cut that out and hopefully cut out those moments that make me think about her. Everyone here has been nothing but help to me, I want to help re-pay that. Not, bail and say screw you to everyone...I didn't mean leave in that sense.

November 5, 2013

I don't mean leave the forum not to help people...I mean leaving it until I am healed. As I mentioned, seeing some posts brings me back. My thoughts were cut that out and hopefully cut out those moments that make me think about her. Everyone here has been nothing but help to me, I want to help re-pay that. Not, bail and say screw you to everyone...I didn't mean leave in that sense.

Don't worry, it wasn't interpreted that way. You're in pain right now, and that's ok. Your mind is spinning one moment and then you feel good another moment. It's part of the recovery. If reading an posting on the forum doesn't feel right them leave it be for the time being and comeback when you need it.

You're healing from an emotional tragedy. Take care of yourself, only you matter. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Do what's right for you, just don't lay down. Move forward. Limit the amount of time you dwell on the BU and your ex, in time it will diminish.

November 5, 2013

I've thought about whether this forum is delaying my healing or helping me. But I've come to the realization that it has helped me.

Why? Because we are all pretty much at different stages of the healing process. For example, sometimes when I read about someone who has just broken up and is still in denial, I feel grateful I'm done feeling like that. It also reminds me of how far I've come. I always try to help people letting them know there is light at the end of the tunnel, and showing them what are the tools to finally start seeing some light. Letting them know they've come to the right place, etc.

I remember when I started getting feedback the first time I posted here. It felt so refresh and unbiased. Plus I didn't have to feel ashamed of how I was feeling because of anonymity.

Let's not forget the ones who have completely moved on. Those inspire me a great deal. That's my goal, and reading their posts reminds me of how I will feel like them soon.

I also have problems expressing myself and some posters here are masters when it comes to that, so I'm learning from them too.

Thank you all!!

November 5, 2013

I don't mean leave the forum not to help people...I mean leaving it until I am healed. As I mentioned, seeing some posts brings me back. My thoughts were cut that out and hopefully cut out those moments that make me think about her. Everyone here has been nothing but help to me, I want to help re-pay that. Not, bail and say screw you to everyone...I didn't mean leave in that sense.

I can see why you'd say you might be better off leaving the forum. But I would look at it a different way.

By leaving, you're suggesting that you systematically avoid something that might remind you of her or evoke emotion in relation to her. I would make a few points in relation to that:

(1) While your brain is still pining for her it will FIND things to remind itself of her and evoke memories and emotion...everywhere. Heck, every time I walk down the street I see cars that remind me of my ex's car...boom...I'm off. I see a couple hugging...boom. I won't watch TV at the moment because I hate when a program she liked comes on. I see a similar looking girl...boom. I realise I'm alone tonight...boom. Somebody at work talks about their wife...boom. My point is that our brains find an excuse to locate her in the world around us...in all sorts of creative ways. You can't avoid it because your brain both needs (in order to heal) and wants you to be aware of the fact that you've lost someone you loved, that you miss her, and that this hurts.

(2) In a strange way, you only really come to accept it by REMAINING aware of it...when you are no longer aware of it you'll know your brain has decided to accept it. But I don't think you can shortcut this process by somehow avoiding confronting the issue or anything that provokes contemplating it (like LS). In a way, that's an avoidance strategy...which is usually an indication that the issue we're avoiding is still too painful to confront. If it's still too painful to confront, then you are not over it and still need to process it.

(3) LS isn't just about advice. It's about support and the provision of an outlet for your feelings. I think that has massive therapeutic benefits for me...and even though it does sometimes hurt to dredge it all up...I have benefited enormously from doing that. It would be harder to get through a BU without support...in whatever form it takes.

(4) If you keep coming on here long enough, I'll wager you'll one day find that it just doesn't hurt to think about, analyse, or process your BU any longer. You will have accepted, resolved, and moved on. I don't believe that moment is likely to come around any quicker if you avoid LS as a sort of therapeutic outlet. It's quite possible that a bit more pain now could result in swifter resolution?!

That's just my random thoughts...I hope you make the right choice for you though.

November 5, 2013

I can see why you'd say you might be better off leaving the forum. But I would look at it a different way.

By leaving, you're suggesting that you systematically avoid something that might remind you of her or evoke emotion in relation to her. I would make a few points in relation to that:

(1) While your brain is still pining for her it will FIND things to remind itself of her and evoke memories and emotion...everywhere. Heck, every time I walk down the street I see cars that remind me of my ex's car...boom...I'm off. I see a couple hugging...boom. I won't watch TV at the moment because I hate when a program she liked comes on. I see a similar looking girl...boom. I realise I'm alone tonight...boom. Somebody at work talks about their wife...boom. My point is that our brains find an excuse to locate her in the world around us...in all sorts of creative ways. You can't avoid it because your brain both needs (in order to heal) and wants you to be aware of the fact that you've lost someone you loved, that you miss her, and that this hurts.

(2) In a strange way, you only really come to accept it by REMAINING aware of it...when you are no longer aware of it you'll know your brain has decided to accept it. But I don't think you can shortcut this process by somehow avoiding confronting the issue or anything that provokes contemplating it (like LS). In a way, that's an avoidance strategy...which is usually an indication that the issue we're avoiding is still too painful to confront. If it's still too painful to confront, then you are not over it and still need to process it.

(3) LS isn't just about advice. It's about support and the provision of an outlet for your feelings. I think that has massive therapeutic benefits for me...and even though it does sometimes hurt to dredge it all up...I have benefited enormously from doing that. It would be harder to get through a BU without support...in whatever form it takes.

(4) If you keep coming on here long enough, I'll wager you'll one day find that it just doesn't hurt to think about, analyse, or process your BU any longer. You will have accepted, resolved, and moved on. I don't believe that moment is likely to come around any quicker if you avoid LS as a sort of therapeutic outlet. It's quite possible that a bit more pain now could result in swifter resolution?!

That's just my random thoughts...I hope you make the right choice for you though.

Thank you for this. You brought up many good points. Talking about it does help (posting here), I just don't want to dwell in the past too much. And lending the advice I have (although not much for being only 1mo post BU) to others, helps reinforce the success I've made.

you only really come to accept it by REMAINING aware of it...when you are no longer aware of it you'll know your brain has decided to accept it.

although confusing, made perfect sense. Thanks again for the tips and advice.

November 5, 2013

I do feel like this place is doing more harm than good for me at the moment. In some ways it's a little bit like a mental asylum, everyone has their own story and their own issues, and some seem entirely sane until they start telling you about how the tv is talking to them . This kind of atmosphere is fantastic when you need the meds and electroshock therapy, but if you're not crazy anymore then hanging around with crazy people all day long probably does hold you back. I've been avoiding some of the more depressing stories and trying to come on less, will probably be around for a while longer though on and off. Hopefully i can be one of those people who comes back later and lets everyone know they're 100% better again and cant understand why they were so upset.

As for your dilemma OP, i would just hide her facebook feed, if you can resist looking at her page then there's not really a reason to block (that's to prevent people who know they cannot stop themselves). Removing her from your feed should prevent anything you dont want to see popping up. Can do the same for any mutual friends you have with her until you're ok with seeing a photo of her pop up with some other dude again.

November 5, 2013

I do feel like this place is doing more harm than good for me at the moment. In some ways it's a little bit like a mental asylum, everyone has their own story and their own issues, and some seem entirely sane until they start telling you about how the tv is talking to them . This kind of atmosphere is fantastic when you need the meds and electroshock therapy, but if you're not crazy anymore then hanging around with crazy people all day long probably does hold you back. I've been avoiding some of the more depressing stories and trying to come on less, will probably be around for a while longer though on and off. Hopefully i can be one of those people who comes back later and lets everyone know they're 100% better again and cant understand why they were so upset.

As for your dilemma OP, i would just hide her facebook feed, if you can resist looking at her page then there's not really a reason to block (that's to prevent people who know they cannot stop themselves). Removing her from your feed should prevent anything you dont want to see popping up. Can do the same for any mutual friends you have with her until you're ok with seeing a photo of her pop up with some other dude again.

Thanks for the info. Yeah you pretty much hit the nail on the head for me. That's kind of how I feel. Although sometimes the really depressing stories make me feel better (sorry if that sounds bad =X ). Anyways, Yeah I hid her facebook feed. I havn't seen anything come up from her except one pic of her at a football game this past weekend with a mutual friend. I see her parents post stuff every now and then but that really doesn't seem to bother me. She is hidden for now, if it gets worse, I'll take care of doing the same with mutual friends and family that could post/tag her.

November 5, 2013

For me I try to give advice more than I ask it. That keeps me from focusing on my own breakup and more on a community feel. Sometimes I come here when I do think if I find the discussions on the forum to be causing me to over focus on my breakup I just take some time off. But it definitely helps me to listen to others and give my own thoughts. Often times I'll give advice and realize it's advice I need to follow myself. It can be easier to see what to do when it is someone else suffering than yourself.

November 5, 2013

^ i think this place only makes me feel worse because a lot of my angst comes from the fact that my relationship ended due to **** that i did wrong (and not in a dumpee blaming themselves for their exes problems kinda way, i actually did **** up). And that the girl i was with was actually pretty great and not cold/uninterested/BPD or whatever. So hearing about people being upset they got dumped by someone pretty crap makes me be like 'oh man, i really should feel bad if these guys feel bad for getting dumped by that douche'.

November 7, 2013

I've been doing some thinking and in all honesty, I do feel this place is better for me. Instead of getting down and depressed thinking about her, I come here. I read stories and try to lend advice. The advice I give is usually advice someone else has given me for my situation, so I reiterate it to them, thus trying to reinforce myself what I NEED to do to get through MY struggle.

I think the biggest hump I have to get over is seeing if she is posting about me. I know its a long shot, but I have noticed myself reading and noticing similar scenarios about our break-up and looking at the username/location to see if its her. I hate that I do that. I don't consciously try it or search out threads that could be about our breakup...it just happens.

But ultimately, It feels good to let my thoughts and emotions out. As Sambo mentioned

In a strange way, you only really come to accept it by REMAINING aware of it...when you are no longer aware of it you'll know your brain has decided to accept it.

...I need to accept it, and by being here instead of making myself feel bad by doing nothing and dwelling, I accept it, come here to help others and reinforce the steps I need to follow by telling others.

Thank you again everyone for your support. It means a ton.

November 7, 2013

For me I try to give advice more than I ask it. That keeps me from focusing on my own breakup and more on a community feel. Sometimes I come here when I do think if I find the discussions on the forum to be causing me to over focus on my breakup I just take some time off. But it definitely helps me to listen to others and give my own thoughts. Often times I'll give advice and realize it's advice I need to follow myself. It can be easier to see what to do when it is someone else suffering than yourself.

This too, for me.

November 12, 2013

So we broke up almost 5 weeks ago (this coming Friday). I've had my good days/weeks and my bad weeks. She reached out to me on what would be our 2 year anniv. She mentioned that she is thinking about me today and that I'm never far from her thoughts and hope my project at work was going well. I never responded. I saw it as a meaningless "K". A breadcrumb. The next day she called me with a problem with her car. Again, a breadcrumb. I spoke with a good friend, he mentioned it would be thr right thing to do to contact her and tell her what to do, because I did the install and knew what the problem was. I did the following day. I regret it. Fast forward 2 weeks until yesterday...I've felt ****ty, worse then recent weeks. I WANTED her to text me, I WANTED a breadcrumb just to know I was on her mind. Pro-tip: DON'T BREAK NO CONTACT!! It sucks. I went from not wanting her back, to wanting her back. Wanting to reach out. Don't do this.

Anyways, yesterday was a turn in the right direction. I found out some info about her while we were on our trip to the beach on Labor Day. I asked this girl (wanted a female opinion) who was there (she's not good friends with my ex, so I know she wouldn't say anything to her about me asking) if my ex had mentioned anything. She said the breakup came as an absolute shock to her, she couldn't believe it, and that we always seemed happy together - it blew her mind (as I'm sure it did a lot of other people, myself included). I asked if my ex had mentioned anything out of the ordinary or that would give me some insight..She at first said no she didn't recall anything, then when I mentioned her not being happy and her self esteem, she mentioned "You know, now that you mention it, she did say that she felt self conscious around you[me] because of her weight to the point where we wouldn't have sex often". I was shocked...I knew her self esteem was an issue but not to that degree. I felt terrible, I still do to some extent. I feel like its my fault, like I'm the bad guy - even though I know I shouldn't.

It makes sense though now... She saw me meeting and exceeding my goals of getting fit and in the gym, running, competing in these Tough Mudder races, and she saw me progressing. She wasn't, and saw me as the bad guy because my doing all these things would make her feel bad about herself. I feel like that is where maybe some of this resentment came from...I'm the bad guy because I'm doing these things and bettering myself? This resentment made me look like the bad guy because I was the one who made her feel bad about herself...I feel like thats why she (ex) stated she was feeling like she wasn't "In love" with me - because I made her feel bad about herself. My progress and positive attitude made her feel worse.

I feel two different ways about this. One way is happy, as an ego boost. MY hard work and self discipline paid off...but, it hurt the relationship, which is a negative thing. I feel bad...disappointed, like it was me who was the problem. While SHE was the one with the problem of self esteem, it was me who made her feel bad about herself which most likely lead to all this. The timing makes sense...She said she started having the feeling of not being in love the beginning of summer, which was when I really kicked things into high gear and got fit and did that Tough Mudder. I've tried to get her into the gym and excercise, I did what I could...but i don't get why I feel guilty, like I should have done more. I don't know. Maybe its the loss of someone I care about deeply that is making me feel this way...it has to be.

Thanks for listening.

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6 week mark --progress slowed - leave forums? What are your thoughts?

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