bedelgeuse Posted October 20, 2013 Posted October 20, 2013 First off let me say that I'm glad I've come across this forum during difficult times, as it helps me cope and pass the time. I was on here years ago when going through and affair and a divorce and discovering what NC was. Now I'm back, 3 days NC since an LDR BU. I met her a little over a year after my divorce, at a time when I was finally confident, happy and moved on from the marriage. We met through work, though we were in different departments. She started working there right after her college graduation, and this was her first real job. We hit it off and became serious very quickly but it all seemed natural. We moved in together after about 7 months and then we decided we would move out of state once the lease was up at the end of September. We threw around a couple of places to live, even visiting a couple cities, we flip flopped on cities for awhile, but eventually fell on the east coast (NYC) because that was where we both had the most professional opportunities in our line of work for right now. She also had the added benefit that all her friends and family were there, because that is where she grew up, and had only moved away from there for college. I wanted her to be where she was more comfortable as opposed to starting from scratch somewhere else. Our plans got skewed when I lost my job in the early summer. Since I had money saved, this did not affect us financially. I chose to remain unemployed so I could focus on some other projects that had been on the back burner for some time. While this was a great opportunity for me, but I believe it started to affect her, as she was still in the daily grind and I had all this time for myself. I knew things were bad when she stopped initiating sex. This was about a month after I lost my job. She also stopped interacting with me at home, spending all her time in front of the TV watching netflix. I knew she wasn't happy so I confronted her about it. She admitted that she was slightly annoyed that since I wasn't working I was home all the time, and she had no time for herself, and that we are in different places in our lives (I'm 6 years older). Later when I brought it up again, she stated that she was confused about herself and is having trouble making meaning what this past year has been. She also said that she was unhappy because she had not been dancing or performing at all, something she had done all her life up through college. She admitted to trying to cope with the realization that a lot of friends from college aren't true friends, and I became her only social outlet. I had local employment but was having trouble gaining employment out of state. As our move date approached we decided that she could go there first since she could stay with her Mom and transfer her job. I would come out after I was employed or she referred me back into the company (I was let go, but put down as resigned and eligible for rehire) I could tell the stress of the upcoming move was more than she could handle, we hadn't had sex for months at this point- I could tell she was emotionally numb or checked out. Despite all this, I helped her pack up and move (including some of my stuff) and went forward with the plan, both of us still talking about our future together. The first week she got there things were normal and going as planned. The stuff got there fine, and she successfully obtained the job transfer. Things were looking good, as I had just secured a couple interviews as well. By week 2, she had stopped communicating with me. I knew what this meant. So I waited 3 days until I emailed asking whats up? she texted me the next morning and said call me. I called her and that is when she stated "I can no longer do this", "I don't love you anymore", "I worry about you like a friend", "I don't miss you like that", "now that she's back home she needs to figure out things for herself" and "I may be making a horrible mistake, but I have to do this". Needless to say I was devastated, but at the same time saw it coming. I told her its not what I wanted, because I'm still in love with her. She said she had to do this for herself and said she had already thought over that this could be a mistake. We ended the conversation because we were both in tears and there was nothing else to be said. She said she would call me later, I told her I don't believe her. Sure enough she did not call. So I sent one last text message that night saying: "I'm going to let you be, trusting that this is for you and not someone else. I think I may understand what you are dealing with, and because I love and respect you, I will give you space. I just want you to be happy. I will not forget you, but I must be realistic that you may never love me again. Please understand that I cannot just be your friend since we are broken up. If I don't hear from you again please take care of yourself-" She responded with "there is no one else, just me" I have been 100% NC ever since. Removed all reminders of her in my surroundings, deleted social media apps off my phone, self blocked ip access to Facebook and other social media sites. I didn't deactivate then I just cut myself off. Very liberating not endlessly refreshing for updates. Im handling this with a much different frame of mind than my previous divorce. I started an intense workout a week before the BU and I will continue it to get my best body ever, for myself and to the benefit of whoever decides to be with me in the future. On day 2 NC I took some deep breaths and said aloud "I'm letting her go"- I actually found it very calming every though I know I'm not over her yet. Every day is a struggle, she is on my mind constantly still but I'm living for myself as I hope she is right now. I know she will have to contact me eventually either to apologize, get back together, or out of obligation (since she does have some of my stuff) I also know based my past experiences that this won't happen until I'm really over her, I'm on day 3 NC- so I have a ways to go.
Country_Girl Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Yeah when anyone pulls the "I want space" or "I'm confused" line, it's time to back off in a big way. Often, most will chase, thinking that showing you are willing to fight for someone is more appealing, but in reality it's not. It sounds like you are doing the right thing, taking a step back. But if I were you, I would not have said I will give you space. This kind of sends the message that "I'll be waiting for you when you figure this out". It probably been better to say you understood but could not continue contact then wished her well. I went through a breakup, where the guy I was with wanted space, since he was confused. Well initially it was a break-up, then he said he wanted space. Also said he loved me but wasn't 'in love' with me. I kind of chased for a bit, nothing crazy, but weekly emails (didn't have a phone anymore since I had been on his plan). Finally, after a few weeks with nothing but cold replies by him (and mind you he took like a week to reply) - I just kinda gave up. I figured, if he wants space, then he can have a lifetime of it. Was done loving someone that didn't care to love me. Initiated no contact. After about a month, he must have noticed that I was no longer pursuing. Then came the phone calls and I miss you's. He kind of went back and forth over the next year, we'd talk on the phone a few times a month, once and a while video chat. But it just kind of faded. I think he got back in contact just to alleviate guilt. But you know, I didn't care, I've been through the relationship game- and I knew it was his first serious long term relationship. So I let him relieve his guilt...now had it been someone else I wouldn't have been so generous. Now for you...be careful. It's easy to get caught up and hopeful when we start getting signs they are interested again. Be fully aware that after a month or two, she might miss your 'attention'- but not 'you'. She might go probing for info, curious about you and your life. This won't be what you want to hear, but I would cut this one lose...for good. People that are 'wishy-washy' about their feelings, will always be that way. You have to ask yourself, do you really want to be with someone that takes off when the going gets tough? And someone that has to decided if you're worthy of their love? I say cut her loose...and I hate saying that to anyone...but I hope to save you some trouble, of her tugging at your heartstrings for the next year. I don't want you to wake up next year thinking, why did I waste my time of this? Disappear...fall off the map...but be mindful when she comes knocking.
BrightHope Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Yeah when anyone pulls the "I want space" or "I'm confused" line, it's time to back off in a big way. Also said he loved me but wasn't 'in love' with me. guilt... People that are 'wishy-washy' about their feelings, will always be that way. You have to ask yourself, do you really want to be with someone that takes off when the going gets tough? And someone that has to decided if you're worthy of their love? QUOTE] This is wise advice, Country_Girl! Hard to hear, but what many of us here need to accept. I will try to!
Author bedelgeuse Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 thanks. Yea that is my plan to disappear from her life. I'm really trying to move on from this ASAP. DAY 4 NC
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