does it always feel bad being the dumper?

October 15, 2013

Maybe I just have too much empathy. But I had to tell a lady that I don't think things are going to work out and that we shouldn't see each other anymore. We only went out three times, even had plenty of fun, but for various reasons I just don't see us as being compatible. I know it's the right thing to do, to be honest with her and tell her, especially so as not to lead her on that things are great. But I just feel bad, knowing she will be hurt. Ugh. Does it always suck doing this, even when you know it's the right thing to do?

October 15, 2013

The most anyone can expect out of you is honesty. So be honest, kind, and offer no false hope. It still sucks, but it's the best thing you can do for yourself and for them.

October 16, 2013

Imo, depending on the circumstances people feel varying degrees of guilt. She'll appreciate the honesty, it's natural to feel bad. Doesn't mean you did anything wrong.

October 16, 2013

She seems to have taken it well. I guess I will just be empathetic and honest. I know I would prefer the same if the roles were reversed.

October 16, 2013

It's always hard when you know you might be hurting someone, but you went about it very well. You were honest and didn't lead her on that's the best thing you could have done for you and her.

October 16, 2013

Do unto others as you would have them to do unto you.

I think you did a great thing. I wish my ex would've done that but he didn't have the courage the call it off at the beginning. Instead he led me on for months. Ultimately, I only have myself to blame as I should've broken it off long before he did. We were just completely incompatible although I loved so many qualities about him it was hard to let him go when time came.

Nobody likes to be the bearer of bad news. Better to end it early before you're emotionally invested. You did both her and yourself a favor by being honest.

Well done!!!

Edited October 16, 2013 by headinthecloud

October 16, 2013

for me it does feel bad yes, if you genuinely care about the person. But nowhere near as bad as being dumped feels.

Ive broken up and been broken up with in previous relationships but i guess my most recent one is fairly unique in that I got to see if from both perspectives.

After 18months or so I broke up with her because I felt we had grown too far apart and were falling out of love. It was really tough hurting her but i felt it was the right thing to do at the time, we were growing apart and I felt myself being attracted to someone else which is a pretty clear sign your relationship is not right.

Afterwards she wanted to remain friends and i tried to do that, i knew she was hurting and that her life in other aspects wasnt going so well we would still talk on skype on occasion or on the phone and texted most days. I tried to distance myself a bit but always made it clear that it wasnt because I didnt care about her but because it would be easier to move on. So i felt bad because the last thing i wanted to do was hurt her but at the same time I was fairly happy and not thinking about her in a romantic way other than 'that was great but time for the next part of my life'.

Some really serious stuff with her happened that i wanted to support her through and we ended up getting back together about 6 months after we broke up because she was still in love with me and supporting her rekindled those feelings and closeness we used to have in me. However as she got better i guess she didnt need the emotional crutch as much and began to pull away, this time she was the one who called it although it was kind of mutual, and i wasnt too upset at the time, but i found myself not moving on while she became increasingly distant over a couple of months. It was when she told me she had been on a few dates with someone knew that my heart really broke as I realised that it was really over but that I still loved her, however, she pretty much cut me off completely, and has been ignoring me ever since i told her i was feeling bad and still had a lot of feelings for her. I feel 1000 times worse than when I broke up with her, and im sure she feels 1000 times better, however I really think it speaks to her character that she was so unwilling to help me or be there for me at all in the same way I was when we broke up and afterwards and infact all the way through our relationship. She was very needy emotionally and i'm beginning to realise that her feelings only really revolve around her and not anyone else, hopefully this will help me move on in the long term because do i really want to be with someone who isnt there for me and only loves me because i'm there for them? probably not.

October 16, 2013

for me it does feel bad yes, if you genuinely care about the person. But nowhere near as bad as being dumped feels.

Ive broken up and been broken up with in previous relationships but i guess my most recent one is fairly unique in that I got to see if from both perspectives.

After 18months or so I broke up with her because I felt we had grown too far apart and were falling out of love. It was really tough hurting her but i felt it was the right thing to do at the time, we were growing apart and I felt myself being attracted to someone else which is a pretty clear sign your relationship is not right.

Afterwards she wanted to remain friends and i tried to do that, i knew she was hurting and that her life in other aspects wasnt going so well we would still talk on skype on occasion or on the phone and texted most days. I tried to distance myself a bit but always made it clear that it wasnt because I didnt care about her but because it would be easier to move on. So i felt bad because the last thing i wanted to do was hurt her but at the same time I was fairly happy and not thinking about her in a romantic way other than 'that was great but time for the next part of my life'.

Some really serious stuff with her happened that i wanted to support her through and we ended up getting back together about 6 months after we broke up because she was still in love with me and supporting her rekindled those feelings and closeness we used to have in me. However as she got better i guess she didnt need the emotional crutch as much and began to pull away, this time she was the one who called it although it was kind of mutual, and i wasnt too upset at the time, but i found myself not moving on while she became increasingly distant over a couple of months. It was when she told me she had been on a few dates with someone knew that my heart really broke as I realised that it was really over but that I still loved her, however, she pretty much cut me off completely, and has been ignoring me ever since i told her i was feeling bad and still had a lot of feelings for her. I feel 1000 times worse than when I broke up with her, and im sure she feels 1000 times better, however I really think it speaks to her character that she was so unwilling to help me or be there for me at all in the same way I was when we broke up and afterwards and infact all the way through our relationship. She was very needy emotionally and i'm beginning to realise that her feelings only really revolve around her and not anyone else, hopefully this will help me move on in the long term because do i really want to be with someone who isnt there for me and only loves me because i'm there for them? probably not.

Wow, this is a very interesting post....

So what happened with the girl you started liking? Did you date her??

October 16, 2013

When my ex and I broke up, my ex cried like a baby three times, once in the middle of our breakup when we were talking about the happy times, another when he saw me crying (this is when he cried the most) and the third time when he dropped me off, I saw him wiping the tears as he drove away. I know he was hurting.

October 17, 2013

After 18months or so I broke up with her because I felt we had grown too far apart and were falling out of love. It was really tough hurting her but i felt it was the right thing to do at the time, we were growing apart and I felt myself being attracted to someone else which is a pretty clear sign your relationship is not right.

Really??? Is this sign of bad relationship??? In my opinion is sign that the honeymoon period is over and that your are not mature to settle down.

October 17, 2013

Really??? Is this sign of bad relationship??? In my opinion is sign that the honeymoon period is over and that your are not mature to settle down.

I'd agree with that, but it depends on how serious the attraction is I guess.

In every relationship I've ever had, after the obsessive honeymoon period has ended, I've had "crushes" or felt attraction towards others. However, my love and attraction for my girlfriends always kept me very loyal.

Feeling attraction for someone else is NOT a sign that something is wrong with your relationship unless you can't control the temptation.

October 17, 2013

Feeling attraction for someone else is NOT a sign that something is wrong with your relationship unless you can't control the temptation.

Feeling attraction is only human. Not acting on that temptation is a sign of maturity.

October 17, 2013

Wow, this is a very interesting post....

So what happened with the girl you started liking? Did you date her??

I did date her for a couple of weeks a couple of months after I had broken up with my ex, but when my ex called me tell me that she had had a mental breakdown because of me, was taking time out of her job and moving back to the area I called time on it because I just wanted to support her.

I don't know how to quote multiple times in a post so..

"Really??? Is this sign of bad relationship??? In my opinion is sign that the honeymoon period is over and that your are not mature to settle down."

This seems like a contradictory statement, on one hand seems like you're saying it's normal and that everyone feels this way and that on the other that feeling that way is the sign of a lack of maturity, which is it?

Anyway i didn't mean attraction as in 'that girl is cute' but when you're friends with someone and have them flirting with you and you like it and don't want them to stop and start to feel like they're a better match for you then yes it's probably a sign your currently dead in the water long-distance relationship is not healthy because if it was you would have no desire to act on it and would probably try to actively stop being around the temptation because you want to be with your current so.

Whoever said that not acting on those desires (i.e. cheating) is the sign of maturity is absolutely right imo.

Edited October 17, 2013 by aybc123

October 17, 2013

I did date her for a couple of weeks a couple of months after I had broken up with my ex, but when my ex called me tell me that she had had a mental breakdown because of me, was taking time out of her job and moving back to the area I called time on it because I just wanted to support her.

I don't know how to quote multiple times in a post so..

"Really??? Is this sign of bad relationship??? In my opinion is sign that the honeymoon period is over and that your are not mature to settle down."

This seems like a contradictory statement, on one hand seems like you're saying it's normal and that everyone feels this way and that on the other that feeling that way is the sign of a lack of maturity, which is it?

Anyway i didn't mean attraction as in 'that girl is cute' but when you're friends with someone and have them flirting with you and you like it and don't want them to stop and start to feel like they're a better match for you then yes it's probably a sign your relationship is not healthy because if it was you would have no desire to act on it and would probably try to actively stop being around the temptation because you want to be with your current so.

Whoever said that not acting on those desires (i.e. cheating) is the sign of maturity is absolutely right imo.

What was it like dating someone new when you had just gotten out of the relationship and you still cared about your ex? Did you ever feel weird about dating someone new? Did you compare them??

Your story sounds a little bit like my story.

October 18, 2013

What was it like dating someone new when you had just gotten out of the relationship and you still cared about your ex? Did you ever feel weird about dating someone new? Did you compare them??

Your story sounds a little bit like my story.

It did feel weird yeah, i didnt actually pursue it after we broke up because I felt guilty even feeling that way, then a couple of months down the line it just sort of happened anyway. I wouldn't say I compared them, i mean, not intentionally obviously there are things you notice that are different and either like or dislike those things.

I guess most of the weirdness was in how i felt about both of them. I liked the new girl a lot, we got on really well, i enjoyed her company and we had good chemistry, i wanted to pursue things with her and see where they went. But if you told me i could only save one of them from a burning building then it would've been my ex without a seconds hesitation. There were also a couple of nights where when falling asleep I deeply missed my ex when I was with the new girl, or at least missed the emotional connection we had had. I honestly would've given my life to save hers or taken a bullet or whatever cliche you want to use and what is sad is that even after treating me cruelly I probably still would at the moment.

October 18, 2013

It did feel weird yeah, i didnt actually pursue it after we broke up because I felt guilty even feeling that way, then a couple of months down the line it just sort of happened anyway. I wouldn't say I compared them, i mean, not intentionally obviously there are things you notice that are different and either like or dislike those things.

I guess most of the weirdness was in how i felt about both of them. I liked the new girl a lot, we got on really well, i enjoyed her company and we had good chemistry, i wanted to pursue things with her and see where they went. But if you told me i could only save one of them from a burning building then it would've been my ex without a seconds hesitation. There were also a couple of nights where when falling asleep I deeply missed my ex when I was with the new girl, or at least missed the emotional connection we had had. I honestly would've given my life to save hers or taken a bullet or whatever cliche you want to use and what is sad is that even after treating me cruelly I probably still would at the moment.

Thanks, I think this is how my ex felt. When I asked him about the other girl he said "it's not the same, I've missed you all this time." Of course, it was too late by then.

Thanks again!

October 18, 2013

This seems like a contradictory statement, on one hand seems like you're saying it's normal and that everyone feels this way and that on the other that feeling that way is the sign of a lack of maturity, which is it?

I meant: Feeling that way is normal. Breaking up because of that feeling is lack of maturity.

October 18, 2013

Uh, I can give the flip side of feeling good.

I'v ended it will two guys, and they where both rebounds. I never felt anything for them, I tried, I thought, the feelings would come.

The first was long distance, lasted 6 months. I felt, good ending it. I felt, like I had my life back on track. That my head was back on straight.

I told him again, and again, I didn't want a relationship, just casual sex. Thus, I can't be accountable for his feels. I told him I was rebounding. I was completely surprised, that when I told him it was over that he told me he had all these feeling for me. It was if he thought if he stayed in the relationship it would turn into more. Kind of made me feel mad, cause I didn't want to break someone's heart. I WAS very, very clean where I stood.

The last guy I dumped, I felt really good doing. Everyone here will not understand. But i'll paint a image. I felt lost, unsure, lonely.

I starting see a guy that liked me. But the feelings didn't come, and I stayed in it because I thought they would. The sex was bad. and, I saw exactly the same actions my ex played on me. The I'm just tired, the ignoring you. The lack of attention. It made me sick. Being on the other side made me realize, the more the person try's to save the relationship, the more they show love for you, the more attention they show you...the more it turns you off.

WHY IS THIS. It's like you look at them and they seem like a leach for your love. They want you so much, .. but you don't want them.

We only painfully lasted two months.

It made me realize. How the dumper feels. And it's made me feel like ****. because they, really, really, don't have feelings for you anymore. And after they dump you, they feel great. I did..

And the more time that passes, the more any, anyy, feeling I had for them are but dust in the wind.

Distance, run far, far away from someone that dumps you. They don't mean to hurt you. and sometimes they will use you. ( iv learned ) But they don't, don't love you.

October 18, 2013

^ i think you're right that if someone dumps you then they are not in love with you, i don't think it's right that if someone dumps you then they do not care about you, it really depends on the seriousness of the relationship.

Your experiences, although valid, are two very specific examples where you never had feelings for the person in the first place and infact with the rebound had feelings for an ex still (which is why a rebound is a rebound, the feelings aren't there for the new person because they're still with the old). These are actually instances where it's fair enough that you didn't feel bad at all or have any doubts about breaking up.

I myself have broken up with someone in that situation, with them for 4 months, feelings never came, liked them ok but nowhere near as much as they liked me and broke up with them and instantly felt better and yes the more they chased the more sure I was they weren't the right person, but they would never have been the right person even if they didn't. I don't dislike that girl at all, she's a nice person but was not the one for me, we haven't kept in touch but things were left cool between us so i'd have no problem bumping into her in a pub and catching up. On the other hand i've also broken up with 2 girls i had at one point or another loved very much, one is the relationship i wrote about earlier in this thread and another that ended years ago. Even with the one that ended years ago i'm still fond of that person and though we've both moved on since, we keep in irregular contact because i still care about them in the same way you would a childhood bestfriend or something. As much as many people might like to or might like to pretend they did you cannot erase the memories associated with several years of loving someone, not without being a total sociopath anyway.

Edited October 18, 2013 by aybc123

October 18, 2013

^ i think you're right that if someone dumps you then they are not in love with you, i don't think it's right that if someone dumps you then they do not care about you, it really depends on the seriousness of the relationship.

Your experiences, although valid, are two very specific examples where you never had feelings for the person in the first place and infact with the rebound had feelings for an ex still (which is why a rebound is a rebound, the feelings aren't there for the new person because they're still with the old). These are actually instances where it's fair enough that you didn't feel bad at all or have any doubts about breaking up.

I myself have broken up with someone in that situation, with them for 4 months, feelings never came, liked them ok but nowhere near as much as they liked me and broke up with them and instantly felt better and yes the more they chased the more sure I was they weren't the right person, but they would never have been the right person even if they didn't. I don't dislike that girl at all, she's a nice person but was not the one for me, we haven't kept in touch but things were left cool between us so i'd have no problem bumping into her in a pub and catching up. On the other hand i've also broken up with 2 girls i had at one point or another loved very much, one is the relationship i wrote about earlier in this thread and another that ended years ago. Even with the one that ended years ago i'm still fond of that person and though we've both moved on since, we keep in irregular contact because i still care about them in the same way you would a childhood bestfriend or something. As much as many people might like to or might like to pretend they did you cannot erase the memories associated with several years of loving someone, not without being a total sociopath anyway.

My ex met his rebound four weeks after the break-up. They have been together since, so around a year. Rebounds can work.

Don't have a point,.. you seem like a nice person. Not everyone is.

October 18, 2013

My ex met his rebound four weeks after the break-up. They have been together since, so around a year. Rebounds can work.

Don't have a point,.. you seem like a nice person. Not everyone is.

Not aiming to make you feel bad but if in this situation you were the one who was dumped then maybe your exes new relationship is not a rebound. Dumpers get the benefit of being able to move on because they get to process it for longer beforehand/ dont have the shock/ rejection to deal with too so it's possible that they don't end up hung up on feelings for their immediate ex and can jump into a new relationship. From my limited personal experience and that of friends etc most people getting dumped either spend a long time dwelling on it or go through a rebound whereas people dumping only sometimes do either.

If he was the one that was dumped then shrug, i dunno.

October 19, 2013

The two times I have rejected someone I've felt bad. I regret not choosing someone else over my ex. The other guy stopped going where I met him and I had no way of contacting him. After months of casual dating I felt pressure to become exclusive with one. I chose wrong.

Another guy I posted about ages ago, was going back home interstate. He gave me an ultimatum. I felt really depressed and confused. I didn't have a jump off and was depressed for ages. I stopped contacting because he got angry.

My exes two of which dumped me cruelly. Show no remorse and had someone else straight away. No apology for being dumped cruelly and don't seem to regret losing someone good at all. One fed me breadcrumbs and blew up my phone with verbally abuse.

October 28, 2013

. It was when she told me she had been on a few dates with someone knew that my heart really broke as I realised that it was really over but that I still loved her, however, she pretty much cut me off completely, and has been ignoring me ever since i told her i was feeling bad and still had a lot of feelings for her. I feel 1000 times worse than when I broke up with her, and im sure she feels 1000 times better, however I really think it speaks to her character that she was so unwilling to help me or be there for me at all in the same way I was when we broke up and afterwards and infact all the way through our relationship. She was very needy emotionally and i'm beginning to realise that her feelings only really revolve around her and not anyone else, hopefully this will help me move on in the long term because do i really want to be with someone who isnt there for me and only loves me because i'm there for them? probably not.

BEST thing I ever read on here. My ex of seven years was a bit needy too and as SOON as I wasn't there for her, she dumped me. Her feelings only revolve around her because she's moved on so fast already. 100% agree with the pain been a 1000 times worse as a dumpee. It's crazy how you dumped her but then the tables turned. This proves that it's easier for the dumper as they have the power to reconcile if the other wants them back. They can just ride it out until they can't find anyone else or are unhappy with their life.

October 28, 2013

Yes, it's almost worse being the dumper. I was in a relationship for 18 months and didn't love him for probably the last 6 months. I hung on because he was really emotional, said he'd kill himself if I left him. I just felt terrible in general.. but you can't make yourself unhappy just to keep someone else happy. You have to put your own happiness first when it comes to relationships.

October 28, 2013

Think that's what happened to me. For the last two years I was upset and distant from my ex because of her Twitter. I was never the same person around her online or together after that. Too much stuff she posted on there that hurt me. I didn't even want to talk to her for the last six months and she must of got fed up and bailed.

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does it always feel bad being the dumper?

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