daizy Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 This is my first relationship ever, so first break/break up and ultimately I think I want a break up but not 100% sure. We've talked about our issues more than once and each time failing to work on them. We're both VERY comfortable (somtimes good/bad) but a lot of the time I guess lazy. We don't go to parties together much, we have our own group of friends and make little effort to get to know the other's (I would make an effort if he stopped rejecting to come out with my friends), despite dating for so long we don't do family dinners and do "typical" long relationship stuff. I'm starting to see what I want from a relationship things we don't have, we don't put in very much effort, the passion isn't there, I don't think we're progressing, my sexual attraction to him isn't there... I DO still care about him a lot, but I think we'd make better friends... I'm nervous about breaking up because I feel like I'd lose a best friend too but I think it would be for the best. I'm thinking about starting it slow but asking for a break so we can have time for ourselves (even though we don't spend very much time together anyway), and we can see how we feel like a few weeks. I'm just wondering, since space isn't what we *need* because we get a lot of it as it is, what do we do during the break? Do we still talk or text, hang out? Would a break make sense in this scenario? Because I tried communicating my issues already with him which he replied... "Can we start working on this at the end of the month (when he was done with his classes)?"... I keep thinking about how I'll feel after when we say bye and whether I'll miss him ect.. any words of advice from people who've been through this? Although we may not always argue or fight at all, I think that's because Ive given up or may not care as much.
Lizrd3000 Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 whatever you do, don't put a string on him by suggesting this break and eventually breaking up with him, it'll only hurt him more. if you're really trying to figure yourself out, do what you think is necesary, but as you said you've got enough space already, i dont think thats the case. if you do take a break, go NC.
headup Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 You sound a lot like my ex, OP. I agree with the suggestion that you need to break it off without giving him any indication that things can be reconciled. A break is not a good idea, particularly given the way you've described you feel. It doesn't sound to me like you really have any intention of trying to mend the relationship at this point - at least not in the very near future. It sounds like you'd benefit from some time apart. Maybe you'll realize that what you had was actually pretty great, but maybe not. Either way, you can't have him sitting there waiting for you to make up your mind in that regard. Be completely honest. I wouldn't recommend going completely NC right off the bat because he will have questions and he will struggle with it a lot at the beginning. Answer politely, make your replies less and less timely and he will at some point make the decision to go NC. That's how things happened between me and my ex and I think it worked out well. You will feel guilty, but your BF won't want your pity so don't give it to him. Be strong - I know this is a tough decision so hang in there. Things will work out one way or another.
Chi townD Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 You are not his friend, if you break up with him, you are making the decision to have him out of your life. period.. Any indication that you want to be "really good friends" is you being cruel and he'll be strung along on false hope. That's not fair to him. If you pull the trigger, then you need to go No Contact with him. You do this because you want him to heal and move on. That would be the kinder thing to do. Oh and taking a break= breaking up.. don't kid yourself. 1
Beautiful diamond Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 (edited) Sounds like you guys are too comfortable. After 4 years it's not fresh and new, but it should be better and closer. Did the relationship progress quickly in the beginning? Since has it almost stopped growing? At this point an official break is needed. To simply collect your thoughts and clear your mind. Don't think about being alone or coping, think about if you want to marry him or spend your life with him. Why is everything so separate? Is it you that does not want to make the effort to get closer or him? Someone has to change, but a nice long break, will make all of that obvious. Either he will shape up and put in the work, or you will know he is just wasting your time. The problem with doing nothing is that it's extremely likely he will meet a girl that he has a connection with, and leave you high and dry. When men stop trying its because the women is not a prize to him anymore, she's just there. Don't settle for being his gf until he meets someone better. Edited October 12, 2013 by Beautiful diamond
Salvatore85 Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Sounds like you guys are too comfortable. After 4 years it's not fresh and new, but it should be better and closer. Did the relationship progress quickly in the beginning? Since has it almost stopped growing? At this point an official break is needed. To simply collect your thoughts and clear your mind. Don't think about being alone or coping, think about if you want to marry him or spend your life with him. Why is everything so separate? Is it you that does not want to make the effort to get closer or him? Someone has to change, but a nice long break, will make all of that obvious. Either he will shape up and put in the work, or you will know he is just wasting your time. The problem with doing nothing is that it's extremely likely he will meet a girl that he has a connection with, and leave you high and dry. When men stop trying its because the women is not a prize to him anymore, she's just there. Don't settle for being his gf until he meets someone better. I disagree. I stopped trying because my girlfriend was a jerk. She didn't appreciate anything I did for her and treated me like garbage. She was still very much the person I wanted but I tried and she didn't so why would I think of her as a prize?
kirauzumaki Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 DON'T YOU DARE TAKE A BREAK...............JUST BREAK UP....... that friend route is cruel as hell trust me unless he shares the same feelings NO Contact as it will only hurt him
Author daizy Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 Had a talk with him today.. a break was just out of the question for him, he said if we were breaking up there was no going back... after talking about it some more we agreed it was for the best to break up. He admitted he was "lazy" and said he didn't want a break up but showed no sign of wanting to work on it either, he was like "we're just busy" and he thought that was valid. I said if we really cared we wouldn't be this way. Anyways we both cried it out, said our byes, and now I feel heart broken and all my reasons for wanting to do this is all blurred up and yes it makes sense I just wonder why he couldn't just work harder on it. Really bummed.. Oh and no we didn't progress quickly in the relationship we took it very slow, and we got a lot closer and better in some ways but way too comfortable and lazy about each other.
Recommended Posts