Online dating " " makes me feel like being dumped was my fault. Anyone else?

[Never Again]

I'm sure I'm not the only one that scoured the internet for information after being dumped. I admit to looking up "why did I get dumped", "how to get your ex back" (never acted this or tried, thankfully), and the like.

 

Everything I read made me feel like being dumped was my fault - that I hadn't been enough of a "challenge", had been "too nice" or been "too much of a beta male", wasn't "confident or spontaneous enough" or had just bored her or let the chemistry fade because it's supposed to be my job to "lead the relationship to the next level of romance".

 

Now I don't think any of these are really true about me...though maybe I could learn to be more spontaneous or romantic, but I wasn't boring or a doting pushover. I don't really understand "being a challenge"...I lead my own life, but am I really expected to play hard-to-get in my own relationship to maintain my partner's interest? Are relationships nowadays really so based on that anxious "high" of newness we get at the beginning that we need to play games to sustain it at all costs?

 

Has anyone else ever felt this way?

[Philosoraptor]

The immature are hooked on the high, drama, and often aren't willing to put in the effort to help the relationship get through any of the rifts they all take.

 

All you can do is be true to yourself and do what feels right. You'll attract and keep the right type of people in your life by not playing games and just putting yourself out there. If you are just being you, and someone doesn't like that, they weren't the right person for you anyways.

 

Don't overthink it or let anyone else tell you that you need to change. Just be you and you may not attract the most people, but you will attract more of the right people.

[Never Again]

Fair. Trying not to read into things, but I couldn't help myself from wondering what went wrong with my most recent relationship.

 

I got loads of garbled reasons for why she thought things felt "off"...how she could "not feel it in her heart" but still "love me SO much".

 

I couldn't help but feel like I was cheated by the "spark"/chemistry fading. I'm aware that it has peaks and valleys, but all the online "dating advice" reduces women to their "interest level" or level of attraction.

 

It seems so primitive to say that a how a woman feels, and whether she'll stay it leave, is completely based on the passion and level of sexual attraction in the moment. Online dating advice suggests this, and seems geared towards keeping someone chasing you...making them feel deep down that you're more valuable and could leave at any time. Being a "challenge" once you're in a relationship makes me feel like you're supposed to keep your partner scared and anxious so that they feel lucky to have you.

 

Is makes me feel like, in today's dating world, passion and the "butterflies in the tummy" feeling is considered more valuable than compassion, trust and stability.

[Ok Good]

Is makes me feel like, in today's dating world, passion and the "butterflies in the tummy" feeling is considered more valuable than compassion, trust and stability.

 

don't buy into that ^^ silly belief!!

obviously there has to be some chemistry, but for anything of meaning compassion, trust, & stability are extremely important

 

Why would you want to be with anyone who doesn't need that in their relationship??

[Emilia]

Is makes me feel like, in today's dating world, passion and the "butterflies in the tummy" feeling is considered more valuable than compassion, trust and stability.

It depends on the maturity of the parties and what they want long term.

[mtnbiker3000]

Fair. Trying not to read into things, but I couldn't help myself from wondering what went wrong with my most recent relationship.

 

I got loads of garbled reasons for why she thought things felt "off"...how she could "not feel it in her heart" but still "love me SO much".

 

I couldn't help but feel like I was cheated by the "spark"/chemistry fading. I'm aware that it has peaks and valleys, but all the online "dating advice" reduces women to their "interest level" or level of attraction.

 

It seems so primitive to say that a how a woman feels, and whether she'll stay it leave, is completely based on the passion and level of sexual attraction in the moment. Online dating advice suggests this, and seems geared towards keeping someone chasing you...making them feel deep down that you're more valuable and could leave at any time. Being a "challenge" once you're in a relationship makes me feel like you're supposed to keep your partner scared and anxious so that they feel lucky to have you.

 

Is makes me feel like, in today's dating world, passion and the "butterflies in the tummy" feeling is considered more valuable than compassion, trust and stability.

 

I think you've hit the nail on the head. Today's dating world is not what it used to be. Kinda sucks, but stick with it, and I'm sure you'll get to where you want to be. And, you're right about all of the advice literature. That, combined with a crushed self-esteem and a broken heart, makes one feel like they did something wrong, or have flaws/faults that will prevent happiness in a RS. It's BS. It's your mind f*ing with you. Happened to me too after my BU. Happens to all of us!! No worries

[Never Again]

don't buy into that ^^ silly belief!!

obviously there has to be some chemistry, but for anything of meaning compassion, trust, & stability are extremely important

 

Why would you want to be with anyone who doesn't need that in their relationship??

 

Couldn't tell you. We had major chemistry at the beginning, and it came and went, which I thought was normal. The relationships where my ex continued to feel "it" without fading were all ****ty, challenging and with jealous/controlling guys: a self-mutilator who threatened to hurt himself if she left, and an ex-alcoholic that couldn't pay his own rent and refused to get a real job because his "band would make it big"

 

I respected myself, but I respected and supported her too, trusted her decisions, was compassionate and understanding. She seems to cherish excitement and instability over all those things.

 

 

It depends on the maturity of the parties and what they want long term.

 

Well, yes. But choosing instability and excitement seems to be choosing to not really have anything be long term, since those things are perennial by nature.

 

I guess I just never thought that, at 27 years old, someone would put so much stake in those giddy, romantic feelings that come all the time with a new relationship. I thought at that point, one would realize that when the relationship becomes "serious", that chemistry and the feelings that come with it are subject to peaks and valleys...they are moments in LTRs, not constants.

Edited October 7, 2013 by Pfenixphire

[Phthonos]

Sounds like my last relationship. Everything went amazing for the first 6 months, then the excitement went away, and it become a more serious relationship where long term plans were going to be made. She decided I don't want that and left. Now I feel like I am a terrible person that can't make women happy, and have just about zero self esteem and confidence.

[AnyaNova]

Are you kidding, When the official break-up happened, it was because my ex hadn't felt anything emotionally the night before when we were kissing. Wouldn't stick around long enough to find out if that might be a temporary thing. People! We are not teenagers! The butterflies come and go and do not last forever and indefinitely!

[Never Again]

Are you kidding, When the official break-up happened, it was because my ex hadn't felt anything emotionally the night before when we were kissing. Wouldn't stick around long enough to find out if that might be a temporary thing. People! We are not teenagers! The butterflies come and go and do not last forever and indefinitely!

 

Wow. I'm pretty sure I was "tested" like this too. We had sex before she left for a two week trip, and had sex when she got back.

 

She said she was still physically attracted to me and the sex was always great, but that the feelings weren't as strong.

 

Obsessing over your partner and being infatuated/"in lust/in love" have always been momentary feelings for me. They last for months at the beginning, then fade into a companionship where a little romance can bring the infatuation back briefly.

 

I still care about this girl as a human being, and that makes me concerned that she'll just be another statistic in America's divorce rate if she makes a commitment based solely on that feeling.

 

Almost everyone I know of who got married while still in the throes of passion, who "just knew", were divorced within 5 years. When their extended honeymoon period ended and they saw their partner without the rose colored glasses of "in love" for the first time, the glaring incompatibilities forced them apart.

 

Relying on chemistry and attraction alone, and expecting them to always be at a certain place and make you feel a certain way, is a recipe for doom.

[Babolat]

I keep saying to myself, and friends, that dating now, in my mid 40s, is different than it was in my 20s and early 30s. However, maybe it is dating in general now that is different. I dunno.

 

Women seem more assertive, aggressive even. Letting you know earleir on "what they want", even making the first move, reaching out to you.

 

OP, don't beat yourself up man. You have no control over your ex and will probably never understand why. Everyone says it. and it's true, work on, and worry about you, that's really all you can do. And be happy with you, like you, get to that place and good things will happen, to you. And, work on your filters, what everyone calls the red flags...recognize them. don't ignore them.

[Never Again]

I keep saying to myself, and friends, that dating now, in my mid 40s, is different than it was in my 20s and early 30s. However, maybe it is dating in general now that is different. I dunno.

 

Women seem more assertive, aggressive even. Letting you know earleir on "what they want", even making the first move, reaching out to you.

 

OP, don't beat yourself up man. You have no control over your ex and will probably never understand why. Everyone says it. and it's true, work on, and worry about you, that's really all you can do. And be happy with you, like you, get to that place and good things will happen, to you. And, work on your filters, what everyone calls the red flags...recognize them. don't ignore them.

 

Hah, she definitely pursued me first. Asked for my number, asked her friend to set up the first date, asked me to be her boyfriend after we dated for a bit, said the L-word first, etc....so she'd fit into this mould.

 

I'm less concerned about her, and more irritated that today's dating "advice" seems to suggest I've done it all wrong...saying they relationships should be more sizzle and less substance. I'm not trying to figure her or her reasons out...just frustrated that "self improvement" in my dating life essentially made me feel like being a genuine, kind, supportive partner makes you less attractive/desirable.

 

I'm not letting myself get depressed about it, but I hate this idea that relationships are being marketed as "how do you feel right NOW, and only right NOW" instead of "what have you built TOGETHER, where COULD you go, how COULD you feel?"

 

It just feels like the dating world has become an institution of giving up.

[Copelandsanity]

The best advice I have for you is to not take dating too seriously. Keep your expectations low and have fun. If something good happens, live in the moment and celebrate it. If something bad happens, then brush it off and move on. It's incredibly difficult to find a good person who's the right fit, and nobody is entitled to it. You just keep trucking on and it'll happen when you least expect it.