Heartbroken again

[sierra_victoria]

Hey there,

 

I’ll start by saying that yearly I come on Loveshack looking for support after going through a break-up. What a tradition, ha. I really hoped this year would not be like the others, but…

 

Two summers ago I broke up with a man I absolutely adored; we were together for a couple of years and the break up came out of the blue. I was devastated and disappointed, but I found great support here on LS – basically this forum showed me that there’s hope after a break up, it helped me get my life back in order and it thaught me how important is to focus on yourself and never let yourself down. Everything went as planned, and I was very proud of how I managed the situation.

 

Last summer, after writing on LS what happened with another guy, I received some really cerebral opinions and I gained additional insight into the situation. Combined with my previous knowledge, I was able, in the end, to let it go and move on – which brings me to this summer, when:

 

I met this guy at a private party – there was an instant spark between us (I rarely find men attractive, they have to be really special for me to be interested in them). We talked online for the next couple of days, until he told me that he has a girlfriend. I was sure that it was an excuse to get rid of me (I had my motives to believe this, I’m not mentioning them ‘cause the story would be too long). The next day he tells me to come over, and I say: “Yeah right, what if I meet your girlfriend on the stairs?” – and he says: “There’s no girlfriend”. And so I went. Now, at this point, let me tell you that I was completely aware of what I was doing – I went to his place because he caught my interest and I was really curious about everything. We had sex and it was great, he couldn’t stop talking about how good he felt. Then, the following morning he told me he had a fight with his girlfriend, but he would like to get back with her if she wants it as well. I wasn’t very pleased when I heard this, but I was amazingly zen about everything. I understood him and I was determined to let go of everything and transform it into a beautiful memory. But:

 

He started talking more and more to me, telling me that he didn’t expect to like me that much. (during this period I have never contacted him, I have never initiated anything; he was the one who kept calling and looking for me). At one point he asked me to meet him in a bar where he was with his girlfriend. I waited for him outside and, to sum it up, this is what I’ve heard: that I’m a great girl, the most complex girl he has ever met, that I should take care of myself, that he wishes he met me sooner, that we would have been together now, adding in the end that now “we’ll both suffer”. Now, trust me, I try to be as rational as I can, and I know that he would be with me now if he would truly want it – and that’s exactly what I told him – that nothing stops him from being where he truly wants.

 

A few days later he asks me to meet again, so I go over to his place. We spent the entire night talking (in the morning he said that he was amazed that I acted like a true lady, that I didn’t try anything like hitting on him or changing his mind). He told me things about himself, about how he sees me, and us, and how he doesn’t want to let go of me, he told me how he met his girlfriend… all kind of stuff. We parted in very good terms – but this was also the day I decided to go for NC. It was painful to hear all those “what ifs” from someone I liked that much. I cut all the ties, except for my phone number (which I was not able to change). Then, whenever I was feeling better, he showed up. Always saying that he’ll meet me for a talk, but never calling again for a few weeks.

Last time he did this, I got really mad and decided to go to his place. I wanted to know why he keeps reaching out for me, and I wanted to ask him to stop doing this because it hurts me (considering that he never had the intention of leaving his girlfriend). Our “meeting” turned out kinda bad – he told me that he doesn’t actually care about me, that he doesn’t want to know anything about me, he told me to stop calling him (I was shocked when I heard that) and basically to leave him alone. Which I did.

 

But the thing is, I keep bumping into him at Uni – he’s always there with his girlfriend, looking happy and excited, and giving me spiteful glances. I feel like vomiting whenever I see him. Two days ago he threw some papers into my face and I didn’t really understand why he had to act this way… And another thing is that my colleagues (they have no idea about what happened between us) always talk about him, so I often have to hear things about him. It makes everything much more painful and difficult to heal.

 

I’ve heard it all – that’s he’s stupid, that he’s an a-hole, that he has no idea what he’s doing – but I don’t find any confort in that. I’m just sad and disappointed, and I’m functioning in this auto-pilote mode. Everything I do seems to be mechanical. I feel overwhelmed (I have all kind of other problems as well) and I started having these awful panick attacks. All I want is to heal… and that’s why I’m here for.

 

Any opinion would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading

[Legatus]

I know you heard it hundred times already, but can't help it:

 

WHAT A GIGANTIC AR**!

 

It's hard to tell exactly why he did it, perhaps for fun,or just to keep busy while having a rocky period in the relationship. I wonder if his gf knows about his involvement with you..

 

But I have to be brutal (but also very subjective). If a guy tells you he has a gf, then again that she doesn't exist and back again to the existence: you stay away from the loser.

 

The morning he said he only had a fight? That's the moment you should brake his nose and walk away!

 

I would go to him once and tell him you left something in his apartment last time he had a fight with his girlfriend. I think it would be a nice lesson for him,not knowing if it's true he wouldn't risk his gf finding it. Can you imagine that house search? I can

[Apparition]

Sounds like a guy who wanted to have all the candy in the candy shop. He possibly did like you, but not as much as he likes/loves his girlfriend. Some guys will always have "the one" they run back to after having a swim around in the pool to catch more fish. I tend to stay away from women who have ex's hanging around and anything of that sort, because usually things like this happen. Just think, though, if he was "truly happy" then he wouldn't be running around on his girlfriend cheating on her. Also, his girlfriend is an idiot if she knows about this and the things he pulls yet still sticks with him. He is such a toxic person - a game player, sneaky, sly, selfish, spiteful etc. Those types of people get tired of their "Old" toys and decide to put them back on the shelf to try a new one, once they are done with the new one, they will go back to that old favourite toy they use to play with. When you next see him, if I was you, I'd completely act like he isn't even there, don't look at him, don't talk about him, pretend he doesn't even exist.. AND if you just happen to lock eyes, give him a smile and look away, even if he is giving you evil looks. Show him he can't effect you in any way (even though he can), and save your tears, sadness, pain for behind closed doors. Save it for us, and come here when you need ears. We all will listen.

 

This guy treated you like dirt, AND his girlfriend. Why should you be sad over that? It's him who should be sad, he's the one with a sad life who cannot keep one woman and has to ruin other girls lives because he's an unhappy pr!ck. So, **** him.

[sierra_victoria]

@Legatus - what a funny scenario! I'll keep it in mind because it could come in handy sometime I don't wanna tell him anything at this point, but it would have been fun to tell him I forgot my panties or earrings at his place

 

His girlfriend doesn't have a clue about me. They had that fight/ short break up because - and this is veeeery interesting to read - he allowed a girl to hit on him while his girlfriend was watching. Great, I know.

 

@Apparition - that's exactly what I plan to do - I'll try to ignore him in public. Then I'll come home and if it really affected me, I'll post here... I'll try not to be over-emotional around him, and I hope I'll be able to pull it off at one point.

 

I'm aware that he treated both of us like dirt - the only difference is that I know this, while his girlfriend has no idea...

 

Other than this, I agree with both of you.

[forgetmenot75]

Hi there, I so sorry you are suffering. He seem to be a manipulative person, and you got caught in his game. From the beginning, I'd say he was not that into you however he was interested enough to not let you go. He got scared when you showed to his home (never ever do this again!). You acted feisty and he got really scared.

Best advice I can give you is for you to realize he was never interested in having anything serious with you. You decided to ignore several red flags and you got infatuated with him. He actually don't give a damn of what youre feeling. Keep this in mind.

 

I know how hard it is to deal with players a d mind games but you need to move on. Nothing good will come out of this guy, and he's triggering all the bad things of you.

[CaliBabe]

Sierra Victoria,

 

You are not going to like what I am about to say but it is the truth. HE IS USING YOU. For sex, or as an emotional cushion whenever he is fighting with his girlfriend. Stop being second best! You need to cut him and ignore him the next time he contacts you. He has a girlfriend, please don't be the side woman. You can do this again, let him go. Please.

[sierra_victoria]

Hi there, I so sorry you are suffering. He seem to be a manipulative person, and you got caught in his game. From the beginning, I'd say he was not that into you however he was interested enough to not let you go. He got scared when you showed to his home (never ever do this again!). You acted feisty and he got really scared.

Best advice I can give you is for you to realize he was never interested in having anything serious with you. You decided to ignore several red flags and you got infatuated with him. He actually don't give a damn of what youre feeling. Keep this in mind.

 

I know how hard it is to deal with players a d mind games but you need to move on. Nothing good will come out of this guy, and he's triggering all the bad things of you.

 

That's what my rational side is telling me as well, I'm aware of that. I know he's a very good player - not in that "teenager sswagger-player" category, but in that "mean & manipulative guy" one.

Sadly, his mind games were too much for me, and while I realize this is what they were, I can't help feeling affected.

[CaliBabe]

Of course you are going to be affected. This is your life he is playing with. But you have the choice to stop things now. Don't allow another human being to use and toy with you. Work on yourself and your own self respect. You know this is not right, it is now up to your actions to implement a change.

[forgetmenot75]

That's what my rational side is telling me as well, I'm aware of that. I know he's a very good player - not in that "teenager sswagger-player" category, but in that "mean & manipulative guy" one.

Sadly, his mind games were too much for me, and while I realize this is what they were, I can't help feeling affected.

 

 

Of course you feel touched because he played his game very well. What you need to know, as I said earlier but is the most important thing right now, is that HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU. Everything was fine in his mind while you kept distance. You were his second option his "just in case" You broke that appearing into his home, so he was not comfortable anymore because now he knows what you're capable of.

 

I recommend you to read:" he is not that into you" and "the game" if you want to know more about puas.

[sierra_victoria]

Of course you are going to be affected. This is your life he is playing with. But you have the choice to stop things now. Don't allow another human being to use and toy with you. Work on yourself and your own self respect. You know this is not right, it is now up to your actions to implement a change.

 

I already stopped things, and as I was saying before, I don't plan on ever talking to him again. That's why I'm here, because I wanna heal after this experience. So don't worry from now on, I won't fall down for his tricks anymore.

 

 

@forgetmenot75 - I'll search for those books.

Edited September 9, 2013 by sierra_victoria

[Apparition]

His girlfriend might have no idea right now but I know for a fact his girlfriend will find out eventually. Idiots always tend to slip up in the end, and even if she doesn't , it won't last. Karma will come along and bite him in the d!ck for all the girls he uses. Maybe one day he will meet a woman he truly wants and he will chase her over and over only to find out she doesn't want him. : )