Is It My Fault This Happened? How Can I Get Through This?

[xZShootZx]

A girl i've been interested (well, falling in love with) recently told me that she did still have affections for me. Before I continue, let me give you the backstory. It's a distant thing, she lives in California, and I live in NJ. We're both 16, and we had a thing for each other. She's not some weird old creep, we used to oovoo and kik each other. We had to agree on waiting 2 years until we can see each other, and remain friends. I had a hard time with that because it's hard to accept someone as just a "friend" when your feelings for them are much deeper than just "friendship." I had to cut her off completely for my own good, but she came back to me, and we started talking again.

 

Now to continue with the story, her friend has a cousin who wanted to hook up with the girl that was interested in me, while I was interested in her. She asked if she should hook up with him, and I said "yeah go for it." The reason why I said that, was because I didn't know she still had affections for me, I thought she moved on since she literally said "yep i'm moving on" and she wasn't worried about losing me to someone else like I was worried about losing her to someone else. I had no idea she still had affections for me, I just had no idea. I was also jealous, and if I said "No don't do it" it would make it sound like i'm being over-protective and not letting her do stuff in life. I didn't want to show my jealously. She didn't want to hook up with him anyways, yet I encouraged her to do it all because I thought she moved on from me, but apparently she didn't. Now lately we had a discussion and she admitted she still had affections for me, but after what I said, no longer, cause she was hurt, since I didn't say "no." I felt awful for what I said, because things could of gone back to the way they were when we liked each other, but I feel like I blew it by saying what I said, just cause I thought she moved on, but apparently she didn't. I wrote her a poem, made a video for her, tried talking to her into understanding why I had no idea she still had affections for me, and saying i'm sorry, etc. She says she's talking to someone already, and that killed me. I been depressed these past couple of days, like I don't have the energy to get out of bed, or do anything really. I try to get my mind off her but everything I do, literally reminds me of her. When I watch TV, it reminds me of her. When I play a game, it reminds me of her. When I listen to music, it reminds me of her. Everything I do reminds me of her, that's how close we were and that's how attached I was to her. I've cried a lot these past days too, thats how much I cared about this girl. I know we haven't met in person yet, but I'm not lying when I say that I was in love with this girl.

 

I tried talking to my mom about it, and she tells me that it's not my fault, cause I had no idea she still had affections for me. She says I did an honorable thing because when I thought she moved on, I was sacrificing my happiness, for her happiness. I know she didn't want to kiss the boy, but at the same time, I thought she moved on, and I thought she just wanted my opinion on what she should do. Everyone says it's not my fault, but I still feel like it's my fault because I should of been honest of how I felt about it, and due to what I said, i'm at where I am now. As of right now, my heart is hurting, im more depressed than I ever been, and I hate myself for what I said, like I just want to go back in time and tell myself to say what I really mean't, so things won't get messed up. Right now I think it's officially over between us, since she started school today, and once again, she told me she's talking to someone already. I blocked her from tumblr cause even seeing her on there just makes me want to break down. Even though I had no idea she still had affections for me, she can't seem to give me a second chance, like I gave her a second chance when we started to talk again. Is it my fault that this happened? I love this girl so much, and I would do anything to fix this, but sadly, I can't. I just had no idea she still had affections for me, and throughout this whole time, I still did have affections for her. Lately i've been feeling more depressed than I normally am. What killed me most was seeing a picture of her with some other guy, I just broke down crying due to the fact that she probably doesn't care about me anymore, and that she can never ever be mine again, just because of what I said. Even my meds can't help, i'm simply just unhappy with life right now. I have my days where I'm able to deal with what happened, than I have my days where I feel suicidal and say to myself "I can't live without this girl". Everything I try to do, play games with my friends, hang out with my friends, listen to music, watch TV, etc it's just always on my damn mind and it's destroying me. I was so attached to her that every single thing I do, I always think "She used to love this" that's how much I knew about her. Minus the fact that we never met in person, that still didn't stop me from falling in love with her. I feel "lost" without her, like I literally feel like I can't live without her." I just wish I knew she still had affections for me, then I wouldn't be suffering like I am now. I haven't talked to her for 2 weeks, and i'm so damn miserable right now, I have no faith in things getting better anymore. Is it my fault that this happened? How am I going to get through this pain? Thank You for taking your time into reading this and helping me out

[FennecFox]

When it comes to relationships you should always go with honesty. It's not your fault that it happened. It was a misunderstanding and I think everybody sees that you were just trying to do the right thing by her. But you will find that self-sacrifice is never as gratifying as it appears to be.

 

As for getting through the pain. It will run its course naturally over time. You're young so it's going to feel a lot bigger than it actually is. When I was 17 I split with my girlfriend of three years and it felt like my entire world ended. When I got older I saw how much bigger my world was and I look back and laugh at my melodramatic teenage self.

 

You'll get through it, just keep reminding yourself to look at things in perspective. You have your whole dating life ahead of you. You didn't even meet this person. I understand that it's still possible to develop an emotional connection long distance but it's not like you had your whole life with this person. It should be easier for you to cut ties than it is for most people.

 

You'll get over it, you'll heal and you'll be ready to try your luck again!