Relationship is cooling off and GF needs some time to think.....

[asianconfusion]

I’m not sure how to explain this but I guess I’ll start from the beginning. Just hear me out here.

 

My girlfriend and I started dating two years ago. We are at the same age, 25. We started off smooth sailing in the beginning. We were serious about each other. Like any normal relationship, we have hit bumps here and there but nothing serious. Usually the arguments started from me because I’m such a jerk. But we rekindle pretty quickly after that. However, a few days ago, we had a long talk and she mentioned something about “we are not compatible as we were before and the flame seems to be cooling off”. She needs some time to think things through. My heart felt like it just dropped from the sky. During the conversation, we both teared and sad like how our relationship would end up like this..

 

After I sent her home, I actually put a long serious thought into what she said and how that came about. I realized that most of the “bumps/arguments” came from me. My girlfriend really did an excellent job as a girlfriend. In fact, I dare claim that she’s the best girlfriend ever. She literally outperforms all my expectations. The problem here is I didn’t take my role seriously. I am such a jerk. I have to admit I did take her for granted at times. Now, I’m truly and deeply regretting it. My heart is full of what-ifs and should-haves. At this moment, I finally know how much I’m madly in love with her.

 

The next day, we met. I tried to make it up for her with a card and something that she really likes. I apologized for all the things I have done and didn’t do. I even asked her for another chance to get things right. She just responded with something like this, “I really like what you have done so far. It’s really sweet but I need more time to think about it. We should both focus on getting our professional/career license”. Just a side note, we are both working professionals and we have been trying to study for our license.

 

I’ve talked to some of my close friends. Most of them said to give her some time and space. It’s not like she’s seeing anyone behind your back. And when you two do get back together, you better do you ****!n job right.

 

The thing is we still text and email. And I only do it when she makes first move. I’ve never been into such situation before. I’m not sure if I’m doing this right. How long will this process take? Is there anything else that I can do to convey my feelings to her? I’m serious about this relationship. I really want to work things out.

 

Truly appreciate for any suggestion/help that I can get. Thank you!

[templeofmax]

I was with my insecure ex for 2.5 years, but we had a 2-month break where she said it was over for good. Me trying to get into her space of course did not work, and she said one day 'I told you to give me space'. So I tried and eventually I sent her an e-mail saying to meet up a month down the road. That seemed to help. She did not reply and I was nervous until that day, but she did meet up with me and we got back together. However, her insecurities became worse and I did behave like a jerk sometimes and also took her for granted a little, but sometimes she did drove me insane. So now that we broke up again almost 4 months ago, maybe for good, but hopefully not cause I love her I see that perhaps 2 months of space was not enough the first time. I rushed things cause I missed her, but at the end there are issues of herself that she needs to work out, so all I can do now is give her whatever space she needs, which will show her I respect her at last, and maybe that will make her come around since she has ignored my request and texts post BU. I am at 7 weeks of NC and it gets easier, but I do love her and miss her like crazy. So my advice to you is what your friends say, give her the space, but maybe, depending on the BU and the circumstances, set up a time to meet up again in the future, be it 1,2,3 months, whatever you think is good. Do not do it with no time frame, cause then you will go nuts. If my ex told me to give her even 5 months I would do it, cause I know her and she wouldn't find somebody else behind my back, and I love her. But in your case, tell your ex what you feel, that you know you need to change a couple of things and you will need some time too, but that you do love her and care for her and if she needs space you will respect it of course, but if she is willing to set up a predetermined date to meet up and get coffee, whatever the case may be, that would be the most honest thing to do.

[TeddyBear1234]

I don't have much advice to offer, but I am in a similar position, so I sympathize. I have inadvertently made some mistakes with my relationship; ignoring her when I should have made the effort. I also took things for granted.

 

I don't know what the answer is, but maybe in the short run, for us both, it's just time. At least you still communicate. I feel that could be important.

 

For me personally, I wrote a letter to help convey my feelings. I haven't sent it yet and I'm not sure I will yet. But I wrote a letter detailing how I screwed up, offered my most sincere explanation and said that I did want to make things work out, even if she needed some time/space.

[StandardToaster895]

templeofmax, not to jack the OP's thread, but what exactly (if you're comfortable saying) was she insecure about?

[templeofmax]

She has low self-esteem. About her body (she thinks she is not lean enough), when in reality, she is lean, not thin or anything, but not fat or overweight, about how othera view her. In those instances I was patient for her and understood her and tried to help her through it. However, when I lost patience sometimes was with her jealousy, walking down the street, a girl comes by , she thinks I look at her, and she just bails. Or she looks at my FB, she sees I befriended a guy I know, which is the brother of a girl I know and went out with a couple of times (friend of the family) before I met my ex, and my ex just hanged up the phone on me after giving me hell for it. Things like that. Not all the time and she was getting better, but the thing she couldn't get past was that I am close to my sister in terms of caring for her and being there for her if she needs me and hanging out with her, even though my ex was priority. She never saw it that way. Sometimes the mere mention of my sister was enough to get her anxious. Once she even asked me if I was thinking of my sister when I was quiet. She asked me if I was with her (my ex) cause I was afraid to find anybody else, so she didn't really see me as loving her as much as I said. Granted, I was a jerk a couple of times and I did not respect her, I am human after all, and felt like **** afterwards cause I also have some anxieties and it was never on purpose, but I was always 100% loyal and honest with her, romantic, giving to her, loved her without condition. So it was that kind of deal, one time asking me why if I yawned on the phone with her one night, I did not go to sleep right away, but watched Tv instead, as if I did not want to talk to her anymore. So, that kind of insecurity about herself being not loved or good enough so every little sign, real or not, she took it as a way to believe her assumptions about me not caring for her. Irony is, after 4 months I can't stop thinking of her and miss her soo much. I know, however, that even if she decided to call or I reached out after a while, all I can do is give her space to work on herself. But its a shame, cause otherwise she is a sweet, caring girl, not many like her really.

Edited August 11, 2013 by templeofmax

[reddragon588]

First, realize that it's not all you. She has things that she has to work on too. It takes two for these kinds of things to happen, just like it takes two for a relationship to work.

 

Second, give her space. If she continues to contact you, maybe suggest some time apart to work on yourselves, and set a date to get together and discuss your relationship.

 

Third, consider if you really want to be with her. My ex-gf did this with me last year, and our relationship only lasted about 8 months after we got back together. If this has happened once, there is no reason to believe it won't happen again.

[templeofmax]

templeofmax, not to jack the OP's thread, but what exactly (if you're comfortable saying) was she insecure about?

 

Can I send it to you in private?