LS: Need Options!

[Raid]

Hi LS,

 

Just want some opinions on my particular issue.

 

Any replies are most appreciated.

 

Basically i was dating a woman for 4.5 yrs give or take we had our up's and down's mainly over the same issue over and over again. She was very jealous and self conscious / clingy. Her jealousy got so bad we were having arguments over other woman in glossy magazines (not pornographical) and we couldn't go shopping because she thought i was looking at other females non-stop. (she had past relationship issues)

 

I had all intentions of marrying this girl (good times were great) up until these issues started to come up more and more started to make me rethink my position although i still loved her very much.

 

One night after a massive argument over another female I cracked it, lost my **** and told her I think it would be better if we broke up. She was very upset but accepted my decision.

 

A few weeks later I felt really bad with my decision (at the time i was very angry) I became a wimp and told her i still loved her, wanted to get back together etc and she adamant with the decision saying we had our time and we weren't getting back together.

 

I gave her space going NC/LC for about a year and she agreed to meet up for a chat which went OK. We still had a spark but she was moving interstate for work so we just continued LC.

 

Last year she txted me saying she had a dream about me and we chatted a off and on. She also txted me for my birthday and new years day every year since we broke up.

 

Since the break Ive seen other girls etc but I haven't had the same feelings for them as i have this girl mentioned above.

 

So my question is, her birthday is coming up do i send her a txt or not bother? I still very much love this girl but not sure if its going to do any good

 

Thanks all

Edited August 2, 2013 by Raid

[Philosoraptor]

You can text her, love her, and get back together with her, but it still wont make a relationship work with someone so jealous and controlling.

 

I would suggest you only send something if there are no feelings attached.

[Raid]

I'm aware of that but after so long maybe shes changed her ways?

 

I still have feelings for her. No idea how to approach it..

 

You can text her, love her, and get back together with her, but it still wont make a relationship work with someone so jealous and controlling.

 

I would suggest you only send something if there are no feelings attached.

[Raid]

I'm aware of that but after so long maybe shes changed her ways?

 

I still have feelings for her. No idea how to approach it..

 

So i Txt'd her something really simple and to the point and guess what? No reply, first time in 5 years she didn't have the decency to reply to a happy birthday message.

 

Woman are strange creatures..

[JDPT]

I'm not certain that it makes a difference since you guys have kept in touch all this time. I believe this question would be more suitable if you guys remained strictly NC. It's all situational, you aren't sure if she has changed her ways its all based on assumption. I think if you guys really wanted to work something out you would have done it already. This is the reason why I never keep in touch with any of my exes.

[Emilia]

Woman are strange creatures..

The dysfunctional crazy ones you are drawn to are yes.

[blindhope]

If you have been seperated that long and given yourself and honest go of it to move on, but still find she is the one? Then my best and maybe at the same time worst advice would be to send her a message. You'd need to find he full intentions if there is anything more. But maybe you need some closure and will get that or maybe she has matured being single. Truth is you'll never know until you risk it and put yourself out there. But know to accept the finality of it if it's not ment to be.

 

It comes down to what would you regret more being rejected or having a jealous gf or not doing anyhting and moving on.

 

Again this could be good or horrible bad advice.

Edited August 12, 2013 by blindhope

[Raid]

If you have been seperated that long and given yourself and honest go of it to move on, but still find she is the one? Then my best and maybe at the same time worst advice would be to send her a message. You'd need to find he full intentions if there is anything more. But maybe you need some closure and will get that or maybe she has matured being single. Truth is you'll never know until you risk it and put yourself out there. But know to accept the finality of it if it's not ment to be.

 

It comes down to what would you regret more being rejected or having a jealous gf or not doing anyhting and moving on.

 

Again this could be good or horrible bad advice.

 

I will give it a week and send her an email although I have no idea what to say. Yes I've tried to date other woman. Tried to get on with my life and forget her as she was unstable etc. but after all this time I still love her and I have matured in the past 5 years beyond belief. I don't blame her for the break up as it was partly my fault for getting so angry all the time and not working WITH her on the issues and most of the time making them far worse.

[templeofmax]

Here we go. I am on a similar boat. My ex also had insecurity issues that she knew she needed to work on. I tried to be patient, but like you, I did lose my **** sometimes. I also need to work on that, so she is not to blame for everything, of course.She wasn't as jealous like yours with the 'magazine' thing, but she had issues with her not being number one priority all the time. Its been 4 months post-breakup and I do love her and we were even engaged. Although I still have hope, what good is it to me to go to her now if she hasn't changed? I am changing, but my issues are easier to resolve. Low self esteem is a killer in relationships. Even if we are as lovable and patient as can be, it will consume us and we will become doormats. In your case, it is obvious you still have feelings for this girl, but, maybe she doesn't? Maybe she did change, but maybe she lost the feelings? I mean, if she loved you, wouldn't she make the effort after a year or so to at least reply to your birthday message? I know you have kept in touch, but perhaps that was the mistake. Maybe NC would had been the way to go so she senses the actual loss. I would still send an email or call her once and leave a message. You have nothing to lose. Maybe you would get disappointed, but its been so long, than I don't think its effect will be as profound.

[Raid]

I'm not certain that it makes a difference since you guys have kept in touch all this time. I believe this question would be more suitable if you guys remained strictly NC. It's all situational, you aren't sure if she has changed her ways its all based on assumption. I think if you guys really wanted to work something out you would have done it already. This is the reason why I never keep in touch with any of my exes.

 

 

Don't mind being rejected, which is most likely what will happen and yes you are 100% correct, I have no idea if she has grown some independence or is exactly the same as she was.. Other thing is she's a bit old school/stubborn so maybe she thinks because I dumped her maybe I should be the one who asks her out again?

 

FYI She is 31 and I am 30.

[templeofmax]

As far as working with her on her issues, unless you are a psychologist or psychiatrist, then, nothing would had changed, cause it comes from within herself. I also though I could be patient for my ex, and I did try to help her sometimes, reassuring her, but then I am giving her the external validation she needs, but guess what, its the same old thing she looks for, cause she cannot get the validation from within herself. So if after a year or so she did not make an effort to go therapy, meditate, etc, knowing that maybe she lost you forever, then maybe she prefers to find someone who can put up with that, which of course will be difficult to achieve. Reach out and see what happens. Then you will know you did everything you could. But if she hasn't changed, or at least start to believe in herself, going back will not to anything and you could be in heartbreak mode all over again. In my case, the irony is that SHE dumped me, so at least here you have the upper hand or so to speak, unless she really moved on. If she still has contacted you, then I am guessing she hasn't really.

[Raid]

Here we go. I am on a similar boat. My ex also had insecurity issues that she knew she needed to work on. I tried to be patient, but like you, I did lose my **** sometimes. I also need to work on that, so she is not to blame for everything, of course.She wasn't as jealous like yours with the 'magazine' thing, but she had issues with her not being number one priority all the time. Its been 4 months post-breakup and I do love her and we were even engaged. Although I still have hope, what good is it to me to go to her now if she hasn't changed? I am changing, but my issues are easier to resolve. Low self esteem is a killer in relationships. Even if we are as lovable and patient as can be, it will consume us and we will become doormats. In your case, it is obvious you still have feelings for this girl, but, maybe she doesn't? Maybe she did change, but maybe she lost the feelings? I mean, if she loved you, wouldn't she make the effort after a year or so to at least reply to your birthday message? I know you have kept in touch, but perhaps that was the mistake. Maybe NC would had been the way to go so she senses the actual loss. I would still send an email or call her once and leave a message. You have nothing to lose. Maybe you would get disappointed, but its been so long, than I don't think its effect will be as profound.

 

I 100% agree with you. That being said I've learned from my mistakes. I was exactly the same as you (getting super angry) and the key is to set-up ground rules from the beginning and act like a rock. You need to stand up and be a man when she starts acting up and tell her your not going to tolerate this ridiculous immature behaviour (because that's what it is) and walk out and go full NC making sure she KNOWS she's done the wrong thing.

 

In my case I turned into a wimp and she picked up on it basically turning it back on me. You need to remain strong and make sure she knows she has done the wrong thing.

 

In my case I'm 99.9% sure the horse has bolted and her feelings have changed.

[Raid]

As far as working with her on her issues, unless you are a psychologist or psychiatrist, then, nothing would had changed, cause it comes from within herself. I also though I could be patient for my ex, and I did try to help her sometimes, reassuring her, but then I am giving her the external validation she needs, but guess what, its the same old thing she looks for, cause she cannot get the validation from within herself. So if after a year or so she did not make an effort to go therapy, meditate, etc, knowing that maybe she lost you forever, then maybe she prefers to find someone who can put up with that, which of course will be difficult to achieve. Reach out and see what happens. Then you will know you did everything you could. But if she hasn't changed, or at least start to believe in herself, going back will not to anything and you could be in heartbreak mode all over again. In my case, the irony is that SHE dumped me, so at least here you have the upper hand or so to speak, unless she really moved on. If she still has contacted you, then I am guessing she hasn't really.

 

Mine went to therapy, made very little difference (if any). As you said it has to come from inside but even then its very difficult when they have had very bad past experiences with other males that are a-holes.

 

She has txt'd me off and on over the time apart but she has never blown up my phone. Just the odd message here and there. We basically went 6 month NC then she txt's me for a bit then we go 6 month NC again.

[templeofmax]

You can't be sure you are done in your case. Again, if you still have feelings for her fight for her. Don't give up because of assumptions.

 

Thanks man. Yes, I did get angry and am ashamed to admit I insulted her a couple of times. I feel like **** about it. It is something I am working on, cause if she is insecure and feeling like that, me getting all angry won't do anything. Sometimes when I did not pay attention to her she will actually apologize, but when I became angry, her issues turned into my issue and I was to blame, and that is what happened when she broke it off. Not only that, but because I sent a message to her family about taking a break, now they see me as the evil one. I actually feel like she has been ungrateful, cause I wasn't the perfect boyfriend, but I gave her so much in terms of patience, understanding, romance, etc. I did act as a wimp post BU. Who doesn't. But NC is the only way for me to find what will happen. I know I can be more patient to her, and maybe that will set things in motion again, but first I know that she needs to start working on herself, so respecting that and me healing is the first step.

[templeofmax]

Mine went to therapy, made very little difference (if any). As you said it has to come from inside but even then its very difficult when they have had very bad past experiences with other males that are a-holes.

 

She has txt'd me off and on over the time apart but she has never blown up my phone. Just the odd message here and there. We basically went 6 month NC then she txt's me for a bit then we go 6 month NC again.

 

So its like you want to remain in each other's lives somewhat, somehow. She did reach out. So just ask her, if she wants to catch up over coffee. Then you will know. Maybe that could set you back seeing her if you still feel for her. Or maybe things could start slowly. If you don't risk, you won't know. You already lost her, what else do you have to lose?

 

I have read that insecure people need to work on their own. Mine also went to therapy and even we went to couples therapy, but being in a relationship makes things so hard because they don't get to work on their issues seeing that their jealousy is still there since they have a boyfriend. Time apart may be the only way. In my case, my therapist recommended to wait up 90 days of NC and then she can contact her since she knows her. So Ill see when I get there. She still has our pics on her FB, although her passive aggressive behavior of putting pictures looking all happy would show otherwise. I think that is the other issue. Was that your case? Was she passive aggressive in terms of not really communicating what she felt or now knowing how to handle small problems? Mine used to run away sometimes. She just got mad at something she ASSUMED and she run away. And I chased her like an idiot instead of letting her calm down and see that it was her issue. But even then, what relationship can survive with lack of trust and communication?

[Raid]

You can't be sure you are done in your case. Again, if you still have feelings for her fight for her. Don't give up because of assumptions.

 

Thanks man. Yes, I did get angry and am ashamed to admit I insulted her a couple of times. I feel like **** about it. It is something I am working on, cause if she is insecure and feeling like that, me getting all angry won't do anything. Sometimes when I did not pay attention to her she will actually apologize, but when I became angry, her issues turned into my issue and I was to blame, and that is what happened when she broke it off. Not only that, but because I sent a message to her family about taking a break, now they see me as the evil one. I actually feel like she has been ungrateful, cause I wasn't the perfect boyfriend, but I gave her so much in terms of patience, understanding, romance, etc. I did act as a wimp post BU. Who doesn't. But NC is the only way for me to find what will happen. I know I can be more patient to her, and maybe that will set things in motion again, but first I know that she needs to start working on herself, so respecting that and me healing is the first step.

 

Haha man we must be spirit brothers or something.

 

Her dad loved me very much and even he now sees me as the evil one for not standing by his daughter through the tough times. He basically kicked me out of his place when told him we were going to break up. He was very upset on that day because he thought we were going to get married as well (I had a ring chosen for her and asked for his permission etc.)

 

Don't worry man I'm in the same boat, I said really nasty stuff to my ex in the heat of the moment and felt terrible as well. Still to this day I feel bad for not helping her more and letting my temper get the better of me.

 

Remember this:

 

"Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth"

[templeofmax]

I like that quote man. It is so true!! I used to get such guilt trips about the things I did wrong, when she cried a few times over my disrespect. I used to cry sooo much about it knowing that maybe I won't get the chance to make up for it. My therapist did tell me that I shouldn't punish myself, cause it took two people for things to end up like that, and its true. In my heart, I know I will see her again. Even if I have to go and wait up for her at her place, if just to apologize, and even if it sets me back or if I look like a stalker. She already forgave me in the past, but the guilt is still there.

 

But if things had not happened when they happened, they were going to happen eventually. I couldn't control my bad temper inside the relationship, so we probably would had continued disrespecting while they continued with their insecurity, and then what? Worse things could have happened. So things happened because they do. There is not, if I had done this or not, because at that point in time we did what we could do. If we had had a rational option to not get angry, we would had chosen it. But right then, we did not have that option. Now, hopefully we do, and its because of the break-up. So there is no wishing this or that, because either we acted the way we were taught how to act, or if we had options and we could control it, we chose what we thought it was needed at the time.

 

The only problem I see in both our cases is that its a catch-22 because insecure people get very hurt by things from the past and they can't let go. So unless something radical has changed within them, they will NOT trust us or be very wary and we will have to be soo careful for them to gain their trust again little by little. Yes, *******s from the past did not help matters, but us did not help matters either. After all, however, they are who they are and we are who we are and we can't be responsible for how they feel in terms of their insecurities. So we need to take responsibility for us, but not try and be their saviors, cause then we won't be their couple.

[Raid]

So its like you want to remain in each other's lives somewhat, somehow. She did reach out. So just ask her, if she wants to catch up over coffee. Then you will know. Maybe that could set you back seeing her if you still feel for her. Or maybe things could start slowly. If you don't risk, you won't know. You already lost her, what else do you have to lose?

 

I have read that insecure people need to work on their own. Mine also went to therapy and even we went to couples therapy, but being in a relationship makes things so hard because they don't get to work on their issues seeing that their jealousy is still there since they have a boyfriend. Time apart may be the only way. In my case, my therapist recommended to wait up 90 days of NC and then she can contact her since she knows her. So Ill see when I get there. She still has our pics on her FB, although her passive aggressive behavior of putting pictures looking all happy would show otherwise. I think that is the other issue. Was that your case? Was she passive aggressive in terms of not really communicating what she felt or now knowing how to handle small problems? Mine used to run away sometimes. She just got mad at something she ASSUMED and she run away. And I chased her like an idiot instead of letting her calm down and see that it was her issue. But even then, what relationship can survive with lack of trust and communication?

 

I was kind of the opposite to this, usually she would say something like "You were checking her out weren't you" and I would say "No I wasn't babe" and she would get upset and say "Yes you were" and because I was so over it by then I would lose my bananas and id storm off telling her she was a joke. Then a few hours after she had calmed down she would come over to me and try and make it better (you could tell she knew she had done the wrong thing) and id fob her off saying she would just do it again anyway making her feel worse. After a few days id calm down and everything would go back to normal until she felt insecure again. I didn't help matters by saying some girls were attractive here and there but I always loved her and didn't want to be with anyone else. Like you I wasn't the best boyfriend but I put that down to being immature and more of boy than a decent man

[Raid]

I like that quote man. It is so true!! I used to get such guilt trips about the things I did wrong, when she cried a few times over my disrespect. I used to cry sooo much about it knowing that maybe I won't get the chance to make up for it. My therapist did tell me that I shouldn't punish myself, cause it took two people for things to end up like that, and its true. In my heart, I know I will see her again. Even if I have to go and wait up for her at her place, if just to apologize, and even if it sets me back or if I look like a stalker. She already forgave me in the past, but the guilt is still there.

 

But if things had not happened when they happened, they were going to happen eventually. I couldn't control my bad temper inside the relationship, so we probably would had continued disrespecting while they continued with their insecurity, and then what? Worse things could have happened. So things happened because they do. There is not, if I had done this or not, because at that point in time we did what we could do. If we had had a rational option to not get angry, we would had chosen it. But right then, we did not have that option. Now, hopefully we do, and its because of the break-up. So there is no wishing this or that, because either we acted the way we were taught how to act, or if we had options and we could control it, we chose what we thought it was needed at the time.

 

The only problem I see in both our cases is that its a catch-22 because insecure people get very hurt by things from the past and they can't let go. So unless something radical has changed within them, they will NOT trust us or be very wary and we will have to be soo careful for them to gain their trust again little by little. Yes, *******s from the past did not help matters, but us did not help matters either. After all, however, they are who they are and we are who we are and we can't be responsible for how they feel in terms of their insecurities. So we need to take responsibility for us, but not try and be their saviors, cause then we won't be their couple.

 

Its a good quote with the temper double meaning.. I try and remember it now when I lose my cool in relationships of all types (work, girls etc.)

[templeofmax]

Yeah, mine was like that too sometimes. When she did not storm out, she did say exactly like that. And when I said 'no, its not true', she did not believe it. She knew she was wrong, but she couldn't help herself. The doubts just creep in and anxiety overtakes and that is when they explode. However, them accepting and wanting to something about it is the first step. Mine had issues of me being close to my sister. She never could get over that, and our two breakups happened essentially because of that. I did change and had her more as a priority, but again, I could had given her the moon and still wouldn't be enough. That is why I feel she is being ungrateful somewhat. Because of me being in her life, she really got a hold of her issues. Her ******* of an ex-bf put ideas in her head and I was there to tame them, and now she is doing the same to me than to him, saying its over, and ignoring me as if I was some chump she picked on the street. It hurts to be treated like this, but it hurts, because I do love her and miss her. Funny thing is, she was always priority and did not see it and kept asking for it, but she was. What more can I do? Yes, I could have been a bit more giving and respectful of course, but then what? Something else would had come along.

[Raid]

Yeah, mine was like that too sometimes. When she did not storm out, she did say exactly like that. And when I said 'no, its not true', she did not believe it. She knew she was wrong, but she couldn't help herself. The doubts just creep in and anxiety overtakes and that is when they explode. However, them accepting and wanting to something about it is the first step. Mine had issues of me being close to my sister. She never could get over that, and our two breakups happened essentially because of that. I did change and had her more as a priority, but again, I could had given her the moon and still wouldn't be enough. That is why I feel she is being ungrateful somewhat. Because of me being in her life, she really got a hold of her issues. Her ******* of an ex-bf put ideas in her head and I was there to tame them, and now she is doing the same to me than to him, saying its over, and ignoring me as if I was some chump she picked on the street. It hurts to be treated like this, but it hurts, because I do love her and miss her. Funny thing is, she was always priority and did not see it and kept asking for it, but she was. What more can I do? Yes, I could have been a bit more giving and respectful of course, but then what? Something else would had come along.

 

I'm 100% with you. Mine had past boyfriend issues with him calling her ugly and saying really nasty stuff to her in the bedroom, enough to make any girl feel like **** really. As you said I'm not her dad or therapist I loved her for her, thought she was beautiful etc. She needed time to get over her issues and get out in the real world.

[templeofmax]

So fight for her man. Maybe she did grow up. If you still feel for her, why wonder? Yes, you could get heartbreak, but it won't be strong like in the past, especially since now you have grown up as well.

 

Again, its a catch-22, cause if we lie about another woman being pretty then they will reject the lie, and if we are truthful then its bad that there is another pretty woman out there. I learned so much about this relationship, about myself and about how a relationship is hard work, and love may not be enough after all, and it only is enough if both people mature, work on their issues and eventually, that feelings gets them back together to start a healthy relationship. In our case man, we weren't in a healthy relationship. So bottom line, if you still feel for her, try it. Its not like contact was lost or she moved away. Maybe she is over you, but so what? Sometimes I think that 'being over' someone doesn't mean, things cannot get rekindled. I mean, its hard to do of course, and its not the rule, but life is too short to be encased in hypotheticals. That are my thoughts. Maybe they grow up but figure that we disrespect them and they were putting up with that because they were insecure. So there is that danger, but if they felt for us what we felt for them, then change goes both ways, and they must know that.

[Dankoopa]

Don't trust me a girl like that isn't deserving of your love or time

you need to move on and forget about her. It will be best if you never saw her again

[Marblex3]

I am in a similar situation, except I am the girl, near 30 years old, and I had issues with jealousy. My ex broke up with me and moved out, and he lost his temper A LOT towards the end, said mean things, etc., etc. Since he broke up with me, I realized that I did have a problem, so I have seeked out therapy, and it has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. So, I can say I am in a similar situation to that of your and your ex. I feel that since he broke up with me, if he ever wanted me back, he should come to me, because he is the one that wanted to leave and didn't believe in me. He wanted to try again, but was afraid of it being like it was before, even though I am in therapy, so decided not to. We weren't engaged but talked about it all the time, the issues with my jealousy and his anger just got to be too much at the end. We have been broken up for a month, but broke contact several times throughout this month because of missing each other and tying up loose ends. I miss my best friend and want him back, and I know he wants me back, but we are both afraid of the old lifestyle. My break up is still rather fresh though, so I think we both still need time to get through things, but after all that time, if I was in your situation and still loved them that much, contact her, what do u have to lose?

[Raid]

I am in a similar situation, except I am the girl, near 30 years old, and I had issues with jealousy. My ex broke up with me and moved out, and he lost his temper A LOT towards the end, said mean things, etc., etc. Since he broke up with me, I realized that I did have a problem, so I have seeked out therapy, and it has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. So, I can say I am in a similar situation to that of your and your ex. I feel that since he broke up with me, if he ever wanted me back, he should come to me, because he is the one that wanted to leave and didn't believe in me. He wanted to try again, but was afraid of it being like it was before, even though I am in therapy, so decided not to. We weren't engaged but talked about it all the time, the issues with my jealousy and his anger just got to be too much at the end. We have been broken up for a month, but broke contact several times throughout this month because of missing each other and tying up loose ends. I miss my best friend and want him back, and I know he wants me back, but we are both afraid of the old lifestyle. My break up is still rather fresh though, so I think we both still need time to get through things, but after all that time, if I was in your situation and still loved them that much, contact her, what do u have to lose?

 

You two sound very much like me and my ex. You now seem to understand that jealousy and relationships don't mix and its awesome you've taken the steps to go and see someone. You guys just need some more time apart 1m isn't enough time for him to release all the bad jew jew that comes from constantly trying to tell your partner you love them and don't want anyone else. Trust me from the male side its so emotionally draining.

 

I will contact her at some stage just trying to work out if i should spill my guts or just tell her we need to talk and we need to meet up etc.